self portrait challenge: resolutions in five parts

1. eat more organic foods- and use my grateful dead cookbook more, just because it makes me laugh. "just throw some veggies in, man...like whatever."

2. drink more. not a typo. drink more.

3. use what i have. hence the rice pilaf snowman. (not organic, i know. bad snowman!)

4. have more fun.

5. take care of more people. including myself. massage more. listen more. heal.

other portraiters: go here.

an overdue post

these past couple of days have been the most amazing kind of whirlwind ever...leaving me spent and exhausted and high and feeling like i needed a bit of cyberspace break. thursday night after bookgroup, (when two of my most favorite peeps pulled me through a very angry and pissy mood), i settled into bed with next month's book (russian history, oh my!). some greater power told me to crack-up on caffiene earlier in the day, so i was wired and feeling expectant. then i got the call from my first doula-in-training mama! she was having contractions two minutes apart...and 'get to the hospital!' by 10:30p i was there, with crumpled hair and hastily-brushed-teeth.

and then i saw a baby being born. at 11:18p.

honestly, i still feel like i can't even write about it. there are no words that can put everything right with the experience.

there was no fear in the room. or embarrassment. or negativity. it was just mamapower and baby and magic. and laughter. and the baby's wet seal-head crowning and then the cry. and then the tears and celebration and pictures and quiet. and the first nursing and the sleepy sighs. i've never felt more inspired. and connected. and empath-ish. and days later i'm left feeling kind of...empty. tired. cut-off. needing my own head-time. it's very strange.

i know not all births aren't like this. i know that there's fear and mistakes and bad-headspaces and all that. and that's what makes being a doula all that much more important for me.

now it's solidified...this is what i'm meant to do. witnessing birth is funny like that....i never really knew how i was going to handle it until i actually did it. and up until thursday, i hadn't had that chance. and now i have. and now i know. i never wanted to leave that room. if i could be a part of birth every day for the rest of my life i would.

i heart baby mj. i heart that i was one of the first people on this planet to see her sweet head and hear her sweet song. i heart her parents. i heart birth and blood and naked baby toes. i heart all the beauty and all the pain of the world.

so please, bear with me. i'm very up and down, working through some stuff. as jess (and jonathan safran foer) would say, i've got the best case of "heavy boots" possible. walk with me. sit down. let me offer you a piece of homemade banana bread with brown sugar crumble. we'll take off our heavy boots together.

why i'm blessed thursday

*i've got a nice little bag of m's allergen-free trail mix sitting on the table in front of me. and it's got cranberries and chocolate chips and the most deliciously sweet magical oats in the world. john's convinced that she should package and market it. i want to stick my head in the baggie and munch away.

*sex talks with friends. talks about deep stuff even though 'extra!' is playing on the tv. friends that bring over bottles of wine and bags of peanut butter filled m&m's. getting equally excited about both. big cheesy black bean pies in the over, and warm slices of homemade hippie banana bread with brown sugar crumble. pottery bowls of vanilla pudding and apple crispy cake for dessert. being old and going to be early. pink champagne. my friends that get just as excited/embarrassed for me when we're watching my old home videos.

*finally going to the dentist. the last time i went was when gray was in-utero! i'm punished. i have extremely bad receeding gums and these crazy dentists just want to do weird gum-grafting surgery on my exposed nerves. dentists make me scared. 'make dentist appt for n&g' has been on my to-do list literally for two years. i faithfully recopy it on to all my new lists. and it makes me feel bad ever day that goes by that i don't call. so i finally found a dentist (random pick) and made an appt. and went. i was scared how gray would do, but i did some major prepping (thanks 'dora goes to the dentist'!) and she was a complete rockstar. not to brag, but they literally said that they've never seen a three-year-old wee one act some freakin' cool. and then it was my turn. and it was fine (slightly painful but i had to be brave for my girl!). and of course, i have to go back in a couple of weeks for about 11 bondings over my exposed nerves, which basically involves them drilling over the roots and filling them like cavities, all in the name of making me more comfortable in the long run! eeks. and the hygenist was all talkative while she was in my mouth, and like "you SO a type A personality, all this gum stuff is your fault because you equate brushing HARDER with being CLEANER." she was all over me. i'm so not a type A but when i "uh uh" disagreed with her with my mouth open and drooling, she misunderstood and thought it was more like a "you're so right sister" and so now she thinks i'm totally a type A.

anywho.
at least it's off my list.

*i heart groceries. but seriously, i cannot step into the store without spending at least $182. it seems that's my magical grocery number. maybe i should've bought a lottery ticket.

anywho.
at least we've got meals for weeks. hopefully there's some healthy ones in there, but i doubt it.

*bookclub tonight. i heart bookclub. i really do. i love the bad coffee and bad treats, and tonight is my special night to provide beverages! (jess, don't forget the snacks!) i heart green iced tea.

*the above picture is pum holding his favorite truck. i've got to get this on video- but if you say to him..."go get your truck and bring it to daddy"...he goes, gets the truck, goes over to john, hands it to him, then leans over john's leg and waits for his truck-rub. john drives the truck up and down pum's back like a little hand-held massager. pum's face is filled with joy and complete release. it's my favorite thing in the whole world to watch.

note to self: get that on video!

a new year

a new year. i love taking down the tree and putting away all the decorations and sweeping the floor. i love the feeling of starting over with a clean slate. of detoxifying from all that sugar and fat of the holidays that start in october. the cleansing power of water (and coffee). of rearranging and rethinking and reframing (the theme of this past weekend). i love how it feels to be on the cusp of a year so wonderful i can't even manage to put it down on paper and make words rise up around it.

this year will be filled with:

*witnessing three beautiful babies being born into the world
*completion of my doula training, and finally becoming a certified doula
*watching my own children grow, change, and challenge
*eating vegetables and making a commitment to being more mindful about what we put into our bodies (we're not giving up dessert, though, no way)
*lots of snuggling
*massage, massage, and more massage. building a business.
*keeping up with wellness appointments
*reframing when necessary
*the gathering of friends, loved ones, and lost souls at our home
*more crafting, forward-thinking, clean living
*recycling
*honoring our feelings
*relying on others for help
*debriefing, celebrations, living every day like it's a party.

happy 2007. watch out...here we come.

five snapshots of my day

(paper gifted to me by nine-aaah)

snap one: i'm at the theater. a ballet, to be exact. i'm holding my sweet baby girl in my lap, smelling her clean double-bunned hair. she toots on me, and quietly whispers "i just tooted." the snowing scene has been done for minutes- but then i see it...one tiny little last snowflake, falling in a scene that it has no place to be in. that stray snowflake is always my favorite part. i always look for it. i always find it.

snap two: i approach my exit on the highway. it is snowing out. i see the sign that reads "EXIT". the letters must be a bit raised, because when i look closely, i can see a tiny bit of snow accumulating on the top of each letter. i make a mental note of it because it strikes me as so beautiful.

snap three: breakfast and coffee and snuggles with the family. we try to protect our kids from everything- and it never works. we turn on the TV for a moment to catch the news, and we see flashes of a noose, a broken neck, a bloodied face.

snap four: the big city rises up around us. a soft snow is falling. hats and gloves and runny red noses. i look up and see my daughter on the shoulders of her strong and beautiful auntie. it makes me want to cry.

snap five: looking away from the show to stare at the profiles of strangers' faces. i secretly find that more interesting.

i'm lucky because

i'm lucky because:

i have a family who puts up with my photobooth obsession

i have friends who bring me gingerbread cookies and put up with me being a bad hostess

i have a half-eaten mexican casserole on the stove downstairs

i have a date with my husband tonight to a yummy restaurant, a photobooth, and then to a bookstore to read maggies

i managed to fold about seven loads of laundry today, and finally feel like i'm getting out from underneath all that's weighing me down

gray and i are being taken to the nutcracker tomorrow in boston for a super freakin' christmas date with aunties jo and lib

i have a husband who has started to play with trains and puts up with me when i make jokes and call him a trainwreck for being so trollish

i am attending a kiddie countdown-to-the-new-year party this weekend, but we're going to count down to 12 noon instead of midnight

this weekend is going to include fat, juicy steaks and lobsters and lots of champagne, hopefully pink- oh, and eclairs. freakin' eclairs! did i mention how much i love eclairs?

i love to add official-sounding initials after my name

i am writing articles again

my kids are both taking naps right now

my family never fails to be obsessed with watching my crazy children

my friends and husband and family love me even when i'm having the post-holiday blues

i got to massage a wonderous pregnant mama yesterday

did i mention the champagne?

i hope your weekends are filled with countdowns to something really life-changing.

xo

things i love thursday: calm after the storm edition

asian grocery store calmness, stopping to take pictures and smell the crabs, dessert essence tea tree oil face soap, taking extra long in the shower this morning, having family to bail me out in a pinch with babysitting, sitting around my wood table eating glittery remnants of food out of the cracks with friends, pork pie, homemade guacamole, margaritas with straws, friends home from spain, couch debriefing, my new sherpamama hat that i wear to bed and to drop grace off at school and look like a crazy person and don't care, taking pictures of myself with other people's cameras, auntie donna's christmas food snacks, doing kiddley activites with grace like the caramel/chocolate/pretzel thingies and then putting them in giftbags for friends, putting away all the christmas decorations in the house, keeping candles lit, watching pummie explore the world around him, my new black knee-high boots from boo that i'm wearing to work with a skirt today even though i look slightly inappropriate, afternoon snack dates with friends and their babe, snotty green nose wiping, gift cards in my wallet, planning dinner dates, kicking friends under the table

hope your thursday is filled with that asian-market-kind-of-calmness that everyone deserves after the holidays

holiday blur

post-sickness and post-holiday blur. i tried my best to savor the moments of peace and calm, even though they were few and far between. it's been the best couple of days, especially coming down after the week we had last week. we started the partying off by going into daddy's work on friday for his holiday party- he spent the whole time in the bathroom overcome with the bug we had all week...and on our (long) drive home, spent the time puking into a thin, white dunkin donuts bag (thank god i had a seasame bagel that morning!)...until the bag gave out, leaked puke all over the inside of the car- now the whole left side of my white van is covered in streaky yellow stomach contents. despite that, however, i was able to enjoy my friday (john retired to bed until saturday). i spent the best afternoon with dear friends, drinking hot beverages and catching up, watching the kids tear up the house. i heart shaun and sara. saturday morning i had girlie time...started off with a huge breakfast crafted by C. (thank you C.!), and completed with a massage for a tired and post-sick mama. it was the best hour i've had in a while. sat. was spent hosting an early christmas for john's family, which was satisfying. i heart watching people in my home relaxing and eating (no secret there).

saturday night was spent drinking a deeeelicious bottle of wine (all to myself) at C. and erina's house for a shaun and sara party! scrumdiddly tapas and good friends rounded off a very busy day. i heart getting drunk and playing charades. and winning (well, tie-ing) the cook-off for the night! let's heart it for peppermint bark!

sunday was spent eating biscuits all day and drinking coffee and baking and watching my kids be complete freaks. the night was spent drinking pomegranate martinis (sense the drinking theme?) and eating more deeeelicious food and being with family. my favorite gift was this HUGE binder full of copies (hundreds of pages worth) of my late grandfather's poetry and letters and ramblings. seriously. i heart thoughtful gifts. thank you auntie and uncle!

monday was spent eating cinnamon buns and drinking coffee (theme again) and watching kids be freaky some more. santa skipped the cookies and raided the fridge and left a plate of half-eaten kielbasa, which really got gray. she was convinced it would make the reindeer poop (evidently she started believing in flying reindeer again). luckily we only got our kids a few gifts each, because everyone else on this planet bought about 100 gifts for each kid. it's ridonkulous. seriously people! can we remember that i live in a microcottage? really though, everyone was super generous. i'm trying to instill some sort of 'appreciate every little thing you have' value in gray, so it's been a battle this christmas with all the gifts. she has this thing...even when she opens something she loves, if there's an unopened gift next to her, she's all "what's next??!? moving on!" it's horribly embarrassing, but completely normal i think.

my favorite gift (besides the pepere book) was a painting gifted to me by john. it's a painting of my favorite restaurant in portsmouth, NH. i bought him a painting by another artist last year of the restaurant, and this year he found this one for me. they will hang together in our living room. the card that john wrote for me sealed the freakin' coolness of the gift. i'd probably post it here right now if it weren't downstairs buried in piles of stuff.

i haven't gotten a chance to go on the computer at all the past week or so, hence my missingness for the blogosphere. i'm sorry that i haven't been able to check in on all my peeps. i'm going to try to seize these next couple of moments to peek in on your holiday blurs. i hope they were as blurrerific as mine.

xo

things i love thursday: comin' round the bend edition

(i am thankful for these pictures...and my weekend date with femiknit to bazaar bizarre. there were plenty of good photo ops, but due to the INSANE amount of crafty, hot, cool, tatooed and did i mention freakin' hot people packed into one huge crafty space, i was mostly too scared to take out my camera, except for our trip to the ladies' room. best part of the day (besides hanging out kid-free with femiknit, of course) was our shared pecorino romano, fig, and mortadella sandwich, and the impromptu fish tasting at a fancy-pants organic deli. aaaah, fish tasting.)


thank you for all your well wishes. when i was hugging my not-so-clean toilet bowl, it was helpful to know that you dear souls were thinking of me and taking cybercaramel. i'm so grateful for that on this thursday.

without coffee, or nutrition, i'm having a hard time typing. the words are swimming in front of my eyes. must.muster.up.energy.to.type. lots of cleaning and cooking planned for the next couple of days now that i'm coming round the bend (i actually ate a piece of bread! and gatorade!) i'm grateful for bland, flat food, and for bleach and rubber gloves.

for someone who's gotten little sleep and no caffeine for over two+ days, i feel alright. maybe it's the beckoning of the approaching holiday festivities, or maybe this bug was just a 24 hour thing, but i'm no longer throwing up. joey, however, has been throwing up (boo's christmas shopping extravaganza with the kiddies was cut short by pummie's projectile vomiting) and has a baaaad case of diarrhea, which has resulted in the worst case of diaper rase slash peanut and balls infection. luckily, between grocery shopping this morning and gray's christmas party at school and lunch at puppa's, we get to round off the afternoon with a trip to the doctor's for joey's one year checkup that was already scheduled before the sickies popped up. so it actually works out perfectly. we're watching the infection spread through all our loved ones (sorry!) but luckily daddy hasn't become infected yet. but after spending the night in bed with a pooping and puking wee one, he may just be the next one hit. cross your fingers that he gets to enjoy the holidays toilet-bowl free.

here's hoping you have the best damn thursday around, filled with peppermint candies (thank you tracy! we're still enjoying all the treats!), back rubs from the one you love, and snuggly wool (as opposed to scratchy wool) socks.

xo

why i'm a freak

(i'm posting this picture of us because it's making me happy right now...i love how gray is holding BOTH of our earlobes...i told you that she has an earlobe thing. she's been holding on to mine all morning, sending me healing vibes through the lobes.)

oooooh lordy. i got the sickies. since this morning, me and the toilet bowl have been best friends. it's not pretty. i hate throwing up (i know, stating the obvious!) but i mean i REALLY hate it. it makes me wish for those days of cold face cloths on the back of the neck. and being sick as a mama is just the worst- with two kids either laughing at you as your hack your soul up, or crying hysterically, pounding on the door. aaaah, the sickies. let me just tell you, i'm ROCKING those black circles in the worst kind of way today.

so why am i a freak, you ask? because of the fact that i have the best friends in the world, boo took the day off and came to my rescue this afternoon...making my kids eat and checking to see if we were all ok. when we walked in he found that gray had dressed herself, which meant she was wearing an ill-fitting and trollish button-up sweater, unbuttoned and upside-down. i was on the couch under a heap of blankets shivering with drool plastered on my face, trying to figure out how to breastfeed and throw up at the same time.

did i mention how much i love boo?

he just took the kids out for a pre-christmas shopping adventure to relieve me. i got up off the couch for the first time today (with the exception of bathroom runs) and...wait for it...started cleaning! but i can't HELP it! we're hosting christmas here on saturday, and the mess was making me sicker than my sickies. i know. freak. i know. lie down. i'm one of those people that has a really hard time with down time. as i was laying on the bathroom floor this morning, i was still dreaming about garlands to be strung and gifts to be knit.

i need to relax.

through it all today, i keep looking at mark's candle that i have burning. it helps keep everything in perspective. my heart is still with d and d and their families. their situation makes me feel like a little puke is just that...a little puke.

xo

self portrait challenge: red

this is me. my home. the warm red walls. the imperfections. my favorite part of this picture...if you look closely around our thermostat, you can see the unpainted rectangle shape of our old thermostat. we're too busy loving each other to rummage in the basement for the red paint and make it perfect. we're not that kind of family. we like to remember the old things. unfinished projects and unmitered corners.

i took this picture a couple of weeks back with the self timer, trying to get a full body shot for the egg donation application. this is what i got. imperfect. red. warm.

other self portrait challenge peeps: go here.


today my thoughts are with darlene. please keep her family in your thoughts and prayers. i have a candle burnin' downstairs for your baby, d. xo

taking caramel

this is the nina-beana family version of how we say "will you take care of me?" or "i'm taking care of you" or however you want to conjugate it: taking caramel.

there's been lots of lots of taking caramel goin' down in our house.

thank you firstly for all the birthday wishes for the boy. i just realized about two minutes ago that i never gave him the $3.99 tiny dump truck cheap-o-parent toy that we got him for his birthday. just goes to show you our priorities around here of late (or the fact that the kids have been inundated with pre-christmas toys already). he's one lucky bean to have all you peeps in his life, supporting and loving him through his milk-filled days.

secondly, thank you for all the gracie well wishes. the quote of the day "mama, i think i'm peeing out of my bum again!" our bathroom has been well-loved today, and needs a major scrubbin'. i'm going to be making friends with the bleach bottle for the rest of the week, prepping the house for our house-full of visitors this coming weekend. my husband rocks the casbah so hardcore, he broke down and told me about the upcoming massage that he purchased for me. to think...a massage therapist actually getting bodywork done! amazing! i can't wait. i can't wait.

gray, unfortunately, is still sick. the throwing-uppies are done, and we've moved on to different explosion venues. it's one of those weeks. filled with caramel. my ideas of nutrition are strained- now popsicles are considered good! good! more popsicles! now i'm off to double-bath the babes with new bubbles (thanks shan!) that hopefully won't cause my girl's beaner another UTI.

aaaah, motherhood. i'll be accepting donations of caramel through christmas.

a year gone by

my boy is officially one. and despite the fact that i wanted to write up a sweet little post detailing the past year of his fabulous and full life, i'm tired. i was up last night with my older bean, who's been struck with the worst case of the stomach flu that i've ever seen. i'm still a bit in shock, due to the lack of a night's sleep, coupled with the fact that i've never seen gray throw up before. i would trade spots with her in a second. poor girl's sleeping on the couch right now with the blackest circles under her eyes, and boy's out with his daddy shopping- so i'm stealing away for a minute to send a little shout out to the tiniest little real-life bobblehead on the planet, my jogeybear. proof that he really is a bobblehead (this was him at eight months, but you get the point...totally lovable, totally bobbleheadish):



this was me just over a year ago, with a belly full of boy, and christmas shopping through my contractions (i told you, i'm a christmas freak):



and this is my new, bigger family now...a year later (husband excluded- sorry bub!...why do you have to go to work?):



my kids play and interact with each other, and are real human beings: (stating the obvious? maybe. but it still shocks me to think about the fact that they actually exist.) they even ride rides!-



on friday, joey's 1st birthday, it was my only goal to have a photobooth picture taken of us all. i decided to do this on all of our birthdays for the rest of our lives, mainly because i'm a freak and i want a project to justify my obsession with photobooths. so i made my way to a local photobooth hotspot and had no small-bills cashola, and two cold kids...and while digging in my purse i found two sticky old chuck-e-cheese tokens- so we walked next door and got two separate photos for only two tokens. although i detest that place more than anything, and attribute it to the fact that gray is puking and pooping her brains out right now (germs! germs!)...my kids had a freakin' blast...and i love them even more because i insisted that we buy NO tokens...so they just ran around and sat on the rides (ooooh bad mama). they loved it though, i swear. i just had to get over my embarrassment as gray kept stating loudly "we have no money, right mama?...no money!".

anyway, my boy. what would my life be without him? he's the worst form of birth control ever. he's got bright red hair that we have no idea where it came from. he has adult-sized and adult-scented farts. my jogeybear. my little mister man.

happy first birthday poomalooma.

xo
mama

things i love thursday

gray as the sugarplum fairy- with her little ponies underneath her dress (tutu)

time for a good things i love list. really. i need one.

*just finished smudging my humble and chaotic abode. although i feel much better now that it's smudgalicious, the whole experience has left my house smelling like i just smoked a big fat blunt. hum. must reconsider smudging. or start smoking.

*gray's newfound love of the nutcracker. in particular, the dance of the sugarplum fairy. thanks to aunties jo and lib's visit this past weekend, gray's curiousity about the nutcracker was sparked, and now it's the nutcracker on record, the nutcracker on cd, nutcracker books and some serious nutcrackin' dancing going on.

*my peeps. you all know how much i love my peeps. but seriously. seriously! i've been going through a particularly suckyass situation at work with a client, and some of you peeps have saved my life by listening and processing and prebriefing and debriefing and encouraging and validating and did i mention listening?

*deep discussions about blogging- the why's? and the how much's and the why even bother anyways?

*my little man turning one tomorrow. one! planning a photobooth trip (surprise surprise) to commemorate the day.

*a new stack of wool blankets to accomodate our ever-expanding snuggle couchy clan at nighttime

*leftover california three bean chili

*loving thoughts and healing vibes to a little person's broken pieces

*my upcoming free afternoon, with much crafting and snuggle to ensue

*s&s's upcoming MA visit from TX- we can't wait to see you!

*city shopping yesterday- exploring the hugest asian supermarket ever invented, and finding treasures amongst the clutter and live crabs

*wondering if "amongst" is a word but leaving it anyway

*the upcoming date with femiknit this weekend to bizarre bazaar...and the mad props she's always giving to me, even though she doesn't have to.

*is it possible that ever thursday my heart explodes a little more with love? you guys must be sick over this sun-shiny-ness and love all around, for sure.

xo!

self portrait challenge: red

all alone again in a bathroom. red red gloves against the background of faded ships on the wallpaper all around me. quiet. antique fixtures. the dividing wall between the two stalls is only waist high. i take a moment to snap a picture. the red of my gloves makes me want this moment to last just a minute longer.

see other self challengers here.

the weepies

if you have not had the pleasure of meeting the weepies (figuratively of course, through their kick ass music), you must do so. my christmas present to johnny this year (among many)- tickets to a weepies concert this past saturday night in portsmouth RI. where's portsmouth RI, you ask? we have no idea. it was the darkest, scariest, non-gas-station-and-grocery-store place on the face of this earth. thanks to the weepies, and our love of singing in the car (four hours of driving) and our love for each other, we had the best christmas date ever.

some of my favorite quotes from the night:

i expressed to john that i was nervous that he was going to be disappointedwhen he found out where we were going (lots of buildup...it was a surprise) and he said "you could bring me to a shit eating festival and i would be happy, and eat all the shit, because we'd be together."

and RI is dark. and scary to drive in at night. lots of good RI quotes, but my favorite is "RI is so DARK. and full of liquor stores."

and then there's john's: "musicians love pea coats. it's so true. they all wear them."

finally, john's 1st guess about the concert we were going to see was nick lachey. i have no idea why, considering we've never listened to his music, let alone enjoy pop music whatsoever. it struck me as one of the funniest things he's ever said, mainly because he was so serious.

the venue itself was HAsterical. when we pulled up (2.5 hours early) we realized that it was at a "community improvement hall" (read: VFW). i (of course) was excited because it was soooo teeny tiny, and i could see my girl deb talan up reaaaaaly close. i got out of the car to inspect the scene, and saw the bands warming up, and deb smiled and said hi to me. so pretty much that made my night. any place with wallpaper like this in the bathroom could make my night:




matt the electrician opened up. not only was he freakin' hilarious, but his music was incredible. i wanted to buy his cd but they sold out, thanks to teenage groupies.



the weepies were powerful and emotional and raw. we saw them on the last night of their tour that started in march. they were tired. and sick. and beautiful.



the added bonus for me was that meg toohey was playing with them. hello! three concerts for the price of one, with front row seats. i was one happy mama. i heart christmas date nights with the hubbertins.

junkie

i am a christmas card junkie. i get a rush every time i check the mail starting after thanksgiving, and stretching long past christmas (hoping that people mailed their cards late). photo cards put me over the edge into complete blissdom. this year (so far), jen's card takes the cake. by far the best. i just found myself downstairs, with a few seconds of quiet (kids sleeping for a very quick moment) just staring at their card. which features her gorgeous son and squishable doggy, sticking their tongues out in the exact same way.

if you want to encourage my addiction, send me a christmas card. you can be sure it will be displayed, and stared at lovingly, for weeks to come.

(ironically enough, however, i am not sending out my own christmas cards this year. cannot get my head out of my fanny to do so, and can't stop crafting to take out a pen and write them out.)

photobooth friday: lesbian cafe edition

12/1/06
boo and nina beana at diesel cafe
somerville, ma
before jo&lib&etsie's xmas party

reindeer ears for boo and raspberry lime rickey props for me

(note: i can't stand it when i get too close in a photobooth, and my face gets all puffy and blurry like here! note to self: sit back! note to self: get rid of those huge black circles under your eyes!)

diesel (read: lesbian) cafe is one of my favorite places on earth. not quite sure why- but the kick ass raspberry lime rickeys and old school b&w photobooth don't hurt. if i was single, i'd go there every day to hang out, read, and take in the scenery.

happy friday, happy weekend. thank you all for your deeelicious comments. today is still a bit rough (read: joey just bit a huge chuck out of that reeeealy tender skin on my inner forearm) but not only did your comments help me realize that i'm not alone...these things help, too: putting on tutus and dancing to the nutcracker, pretending we were the sugar plum fairies (blankets helped), the soft snow outside, the upcoming trip to a christmas stroll tonight to see santa, and the thoughts of roast chicken and buttery mashed potatoes and slippers and snuggling and nutcracker party on sunday and living life through the muckiness.

shadowy me vs. fresh me

shadowy me at the beach


these past couple days have been hard. hard like "damn it's hard being a parent" kind of hard. hard and trying, but soul scrubbing cleansing. the kids have been OFF.THE.WALL. i have no idea what's going on or why it's happening. maybe they are picking up on the frenetic vibes of the season, or maybe it's because we've been spending more and more time in the house as the cold weather sets in. whatever it is, things have just been chaotic. joey refuses to let me do anything, and screams like a banshee when i walk away from him. all my shirts are covered in hysterical-crying-boogers from both of my children. gray got her first less-than-stellar feedback from school on tuesday, so we've been dealing with that. her eyes are glazed over and she's not sleeping well and is having a HARD time listening. the past two days have been spent discussing behavior and writing letters to her teachers and painting and talking about our feelings. i feel like a feeling factory, and i need a break. thankfully, this weekend john and i are slipping away for the night on saturday for a secret christmas surprise...more details to follow. i think it will be the perfect rejuvenation that i need. hopefully on sunday morning my black circles will be a little less black, and my atitude will be a little more fresh (fresh in a good way).

despite the turmoil and redundancy of parenting these past couple of days, there have been many bright spots. i offer you two quotes from gray (i like to ask her random questions just to see what her answers are-):

me: what's santa's breath smell like?
gray: uh...reindeer!

me: what's an orphan? (gray's been obsessed with listening to 'annie' on record)
gray: it's a little elf that skates around.

self portrait challenge: red city lights

mama time. out in the big city. rainy and balmy. a change to be the passenger instead of the driver. sexy red lights. wet pant legs. soaking boots. multiple bags even though i have no children in tow. sportin' a new necklace gifted to me by the lovely amy. glowy glowy red all around me

more self portrait challenge peeps here.

my monday 'five words'

1. jessi- this is what we've been calling jessica in jest lately, mainly due to a family member's incessant use of the word, and coupled with an outside-of-boston accent, it makes the perfect insult. there are many many reasons why i love jess, but these reasons seal the deal: 1. she uses a strainer to take out pieces of cork from the wine because she had to push the cork into the bottle 2. because she will come over and play scrabble with us and listen to christmas music and still love us even when we break the news to her that stevie wonder is kind of a jerk in real life and 3. because she lets us call her jessi.

2. coffee- not the first time i've said it, and not the last. without it, i couldn't get through the day. is it bad that all i want for christmas is bags of coffee beans?

3. femiknit's new house. did i mention lately that femiknit is absolutely inspiring? and kick ass? she bought a house and then manages, somehow, to rip through the thing and completely transform it. and then lets me take pictures of beautiful things like this, that she plans on ripping down.

4. photobooths- duh! hello, i have a serious problem. two photobooths in two weeks...and the photobooth strips aren't enough on their own anymore. now i have to linger in the booth afterwards and take random pictures.

5. banging- not as dirty as it sounds. i know i've mentioned it here before- it's a little bad habit that i still have that's carried over from infancy. i think boo may have even posted a video of me doing it at one point. my parents thought that there was something seriously wrong with me! but luckily now that i have my own kids, and still have this strange habit, i have no need to worry when it manifests itself in my second-born child! see for yourself: (oh, and delight in the teradactyl screaming, too...god knows i've been drowning in it for the past couple of weeks! and wait for the end of the video for the classic joey stoner laugh!)


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back in the saddle again: photobooth friday, here i come!

as a mama of two wees three and under, i don't get out with my friends all that much. we have lots of people over for dinner and tv and talk, but the outings are few and far between. i try my best to have adult time and make dates with my lovelies, but let's be honest here...i have to get up at 4:30am to someone sucking on my boobs (not what you think! dirty peeps), and my day just goes on from there. so going out after 7pm usually just doesn't happen.

boo has been very patient with me while i raise my babes. he usually complains, but it's more in a joking sort of way...like "why you'd have to have these damn kids?" i forgive him, mainly because he's gray's godfather, and i'd die if i knew he was serious. but lately the complaints of us having alone time have started happening more often...followed by a request to go to the movies together, alone. ok ok! even though i hated the movies a month ago, i'm quickly realizing that the quiet and darkness for two hours straight is pretty much the best invention ever, and i'm all about going to the movies now. so this past weekend we had our date, although it happened in the middle of the afternoon (there's no way in hell i would be able to stay awake for a movie after 7pm, sorry). and we took full advantage of the photobooth in the lobby. and we used the can of mixed nuts that i smuggled into the theater in my pocketbook as our prop. acumama, i knew i'd get around to using a photobooth prop someday!

so here's the final product- with the black printer streaks and all. my goal in these pictures was really to cover the huge zit i had on my right cheek (and still have mind you)- i'm not quite sure what boo was up to. i absolutely heart the nuts picture though. we are freakin' nuts, fo sho.

and i'm headed into the city tonight for another date with boo (so shut up, already, about the alone time now, will you?!?), to visit our aunties jo and libertins. for my first christmas party of the season! bring on the adult time and cocktails and nina beana's social awkwardness!

also, can i just say- you are all freakin' rockstars? i loved all the responses from my last post...reading through them not only made me feel better, but more connected to all of you, sharing those intimate things with me. the "discussion" sparked some very interesting and enlightening real-life discussions with some of you. i'm not done thinking about this topic yet, and may write more about it soon. i think i'll take the weekend to process it all. but thank you for taking the time to give me feedback for all the crazy stuff goin' down in my brain.

touched

it may strike you as funny that as a massage therapist, touch does not come easy for me. don't get me wrong- i love my job, i love bodywork, i love bodies in general. i'm that person- yellowing toenails don't bother me...dry callousy skin? no problem! i don't judge people's bodies and i usually don't worry about people judging mine. i love being around others...i pride myself on the fact that my house is the hangout house. so what's up with this touch thing?

i hug my friends. i enjoy doing it. i do not, however, snuggle with my friends. i don't know if this is something normal friends do, but i've been reading about some other dear one's snuggle adventures with friends and secretly wondering if there's something wrong with me. so i'm putting it out there- do you snuggle with your friends?

growing up i had a totally love-a-licious family that enjoyed being comfortable with each other, and peeing with the door open. i did not, however, have the relationship with my mom that i've been hearing about lately where the daughter can just curl up into her mama and laugh and cry for hours. that's why mamas like tab and all my other mama friends breaking my ideas of touch and closeness are so important to me. i want gray, no matter what age, to be able to come into my arms and feel comfortable there, with herself and with me. these are my touch goals. i want to be more present with my friends, and reach out and touch them more often (boo, shut up, yes i'm talking about you!).

let me know what you think about touch. i'd be touched.

self portrait challenge: soft and quiet glam

glam. glam. there are so many sides to me- but none of them really embodies the word "glam". what i find glamorous is probably not what you find glamorous. i find my big huge bright and brilliant yellow felted flower by supermaggie very glamorous, but i do not wear it out. it hangs with the rest of my jewelry on the wall in my bathroom. i love looking at it, just hanging there. it makes me feel pretty and glam, just knowing that it's there. waiting for that perfect occasion to be worn out. glam to me is shutting the bathroom door, and savoring the soft and quiet of the bathroom. peeing without someone screaming and pounding on the door to be let in. looking at my jewelies, taking a minute for myself.

that's glam.

for other self portrait peeps, go here.

five words to sum it all up

in the spirit of the inspirational pancakemama, i offer you my five words:

1. children: isn't that what holidays are all about, anyway? slippers, snuggling, meltdowns- i'll take whatever i can get. reading christmas stories, having my knitting ripped out of my hands, all by these two delighful little pieces of work. i'm convinced that it's impossible to get a normal picture of them both- one of them is always pinching or moving or crying or hiding- so this was our official thanksgiving photo of the two of them- gray pinching her brother's "lobies"- (since gray was born, she's been obsessed with earlobes...to this day, whenever she cries, she immediately reaches for my lobes and tugs on them).



2. slippers: the whole family has new slippers, and we've been wearing them non-stop. i was the only one without them, until i couldn't stand it anymore and went out and bought the pair that i've been drooling over. and yes, they are trendy and all over the place, but if you could just s.l.i.d.e. your feet into them, you'd know why i needed them so badly.



3. food: these past four or five days have been filled with the best kind of incredible food. and we only managed to catch the kitchen on fire once! (you think i'm kidding- i'm not...here's proof).


chocolate silk pie with shortbread and pecan crust was one of my holiday favorites this year, along with the sausage stuffing and homemade spring rolls last night for dinner (see boo's post about what to do in case of a spring roll emergency).

the homemade placecards didn't hurt either:



4. chocolate: watching joey eat his first handful of chocolate chips was highly satisfying for me. although unhealthy and probably horrible, seeing his gooey chocolate hands and happy brown chocolate teeth made me burst inside with happiness.


5. the foundations, and all records: we've been big into the records here over the weekend, esp. the old school scratchy christmas kinds, as well as the foundations "build me up buttercup". seeing gray sing this song is probably one of my most favorite things in the world. even daddy gets in on the fun. and then standing on the tables and benches, screaming christmas lyrics into fake microphones. a must-have for the holidays.

our neighbors must think we're insane.


and here's a little shoutout to all my peeps who've visited, hung out, eaten with me, and taken caramel through our little family flu fest over the past week or two...you really build me up. thank you!

thank-full

breastfeeding pumpkin in bradford, MA- of course i had to stop and take a picture, despite the nasty glares

today i am grateful for YOU.

we have spent the night and the morning discussing what we are grateful for. the responses range from the serious (family, health) to the not-so-serious (gray this morning explained that she was grateful for 'tigloos', which is what we call our toes, and when asked why, she said 'because they talk to me'). reading christmas stories out loud. watching the thanksgiving day parade. drinking coffee. all snuggling on the couch. slowly cooking the meal which we will serve to our loved ones- my mom, and dad and his girlfriend, and best friend, and brother, to be followed by a house-full of dessert guests. i love that my divorced parents are coming to thanksgiving at my home together SLASH am terrified that it's going to be stressful. but hopefully everything will turn out wonderful- i'm just excited to eat some food and drink some drinkies. i'm also wearing a size freakin' four (mind you, i've NEVER taken a size four- i'm a size tenner all the way usually) gap jeans gifted to me by my mother-in-law- so i'm thankful for that. or thankful for the peeps that sized the damn jeans wrong.

here's hoping your day is filled with endless pints, bowls full of goodies, and sitting in front of the (electric) fireplace- and if it's not, then come on over. everyone's invited.

xo

self portrait challenge: mamma glamma/rigatoni glamour shots

this is about how glammie things have been here in nina beana mama land. necklaces made out of hand-dyed rigatoni- gifted to me by my sweet, sweet school-going daughter. whenever i wear it, it fills her with pride- so why the hell not? glam is an attitude, right? we all keep saying it. so i rock out with my rigatoni out like my life depends on it.

more challenge-lovin' peeps here.

just a spoonful of sugar

these are just a few of my figurative spoonfuls of sugar for today:

homemade shepards pie after a long day out in the cold, slaved over by uncle booboo. who took wonderful care of me all day and all night long. who talked about thanksgiving with me endlessly and looked at thanksgiving magazines and drank endless cups of coffee with me while i jabbered on and on about how we should display our nuts and berries and such on thanksgiving

christmas parades. watching gray on her first christmas parade float with my mom. almost bursting with excitement- a double whammie- motherly pride mixed with christmas cheer

yarn. massage oils. sushi. all natural toothpaste. organization and cleaning.

wool blankets. wool mentoring (thanks c!)

diesel fuel house blend coffee beans (thanks jo and lib!)

wine tastings (thanks erina and c. for the heads-up!)

the search for the perfect pair of boots, and the tips that will allow me to purchase them

a triple batch of thanksgiving day cookie batter made with aunties jo and lib this weekend. watching gray and jo crack eggs together almost cracked my heart open with love. each of us wearing aprons. aprons rock.

bing freakin' crosby

christmas movies from the library

watching charlie brown's thanksgiving last night as a family

endlessly saying to my fam "can we talk about thanksgiiiiiiiiving?" and them humoring me, sort of

shopping trip with the girls tomorrow- and bringing the wee gray. could be a trainwreck but could be the best idea ever...it could go either way. not caring too much because it's one of my favorite weeks of the year. holiday freak.

christmas crafting and shopping already. freak.

each and every one of you (well, at least all that peeps that i know check in here regularly) are my spoonfuls of sugar. your comments and emails and checking-ins make each day easier...make swallowing down those not-so-sweet tasting moments all the more pleasant. thank you. i'm not givin' up my sugar anytime soon. xo

immersion

i am immersed in living my life. things feel on the brink of spiraling out of control, but in a good way, if that makes any sense. this week has been filled with working and the people i love and muscles and b.o. (not my own) and the generosity of my friends and family. and knee high boots and skirts and a piece of fruit here and there to keep me going. and even when i think i'm being all independent, there's still a kid or two crawling between my legs. this picture just about sums it up. dressed for work, but a wee still in the background, in the foreground, all around me always.

i'm overwhelmed with the goodness of people in my life. while talking with jess this week about some amazing things that her friends did for her, she said "i'm lucky. i have really good friends." and damn, i've been feeling like this so much. friends and family, family and friends. how did i get all these inspirational people jam-packed into my one little life? nine-ahh and tab, spending time with you both this week was a gift to me. thank you. tab, you can't understand how spending such a short time with you inspired and rejuvenated me to be the best person i can possibly be, no matter what, every day. thank you. thank you. thank you.

i'm transitioning. i feel it. things are changing in big ways all around me, ready to burst. i'm on the brink of a bonafide career. and i'm going to be honest here...making money rocks. i'm not a material girl, and don't strive for bigger things, but today i was able to go out and buy joey new shoes and both kids new comfy slippers and just.not.worry.about.it. usually i'm a big money worrier (unless it's grocery shopping- hence the $199 trip yesterday, not including the trip back this weekend for the turkey and etc.) and i feel an end coming to those stressers. which freakin' rocks.

and i'm taking my man out on a date tonight. and i get to spend the day tomorrow working for a bit and then hanging with two of my favorite aunties. hopefully making good smelling holiday treats and then eating them, watching christmas movies. maybe i should've bought a pair of slippers for myself. gray just remarked about hers "feel inside them mum. go ahead. they're so cotton-y!" worth every freakin' penny i say!

what are you immersed in lately, my dear bloggie peeps that i miss so much? i really, really want to know.

identification

identification, originally uploaded by Nina Marie Gilbert.

today i'm working on identification, not only of my feelings but the feelings of my wees. i'm reading "buddhism for mothers: a calm approach to caring for yourself and your children" and it's really inspiring, eye-opening. i want to be the best mama that i can be, and this book is pushing me to look at my daily practices and my burnout potential, etc.

this book came to me at the perfect time- this week has been full and c.r.a.z.y. absolutely flying by. hence my mini bloggie break and bad emailing. work has completely picked up...esp. now that i'm the only massage therapist on staff. i was lucky enough to meet nine-aaah yesterday- she came up to get a massage! thank you thank you again dear sweet soul for supporting me in my new business! and today is filled with appointments and to-do's, cooking for tonight (which i love) and hopefully some warm chocolate chip cookies. and lately i've been immersing myself in my doula studies, trying to get all my ducks in a row. last night i was honored to meet with j.d. about her upcoming birth, and just talking about being there had me high for the rest of the night.

i'm riding this rollercoaster for now...luckily right now it's just on it's way up.up.up.up.up. the track.

where's your rollercoaster at today?


ps. if you ever find yourself in my kitchen wondering which mushrooms you can and can't eat, just glance over at the handy-dandy chart and you'll be ok.