these past couple of days have been the most amazing kind of whirlwind ever...leaving me spent and exhausted and high and feeling like i needed a bit of cyberspace break. thursday night after bookgroup, (when two of my most favorite peeps pulled me through a very angry and pissy mood), i settled into bed with next month's book (russian history, oh my!). some greater power told me to crack-up on caffiene earlier in the day, so i was wired and feeling expectant. then i got the call from my first doula-in-training mama! she was having contractions two minutes apart...and 'get to the hospital!' by 10:30p i was there, with crumpled hair and hastily-brushed-teeth.
and then i saw a baby being born. at 11:18p.
honestly, i still feel like i can't even write about it. there are no words that can put everything right with the experience.
there was no fear in the room. or embarrassment. or negativity. it was just mamapower and baby and magic. and laughter. and the baby's wet seal-head crowning and then the cry. and then the tears and celebration and pictures and quiet. and the first nursing and the sleepy sighs. i've never felt more inspired. and connected. and empath-ish. and days later i'm left feeling kind of...empty. tired. cut-off. needing my own head-time. it's very strange.
i know not all births aren't like this. i know that there's fear and mistakes and bad-headspaces and all that. and that's what makes being a doula all that much more important for me.
now it's solidified...this is what i'm meant to do. witnessing birth is funny like that....i never really knew how i was going to handle it until i actually did it. and up until thursday, i hadn't had that chance. and now i have. and now i know. i never wanted to leave that room. if i could be a part of birth every day for the rest of my life i would.
i heart baby mj. i heart that i was one of the first people on this planet to see her sweet head and hear her sweet song. i heart her parents. i heart birth and blood and naked baby toes. i heart all the beauty and all the pain of the world.
so please, bear with me. i'm very up and down, working through some stuff. as jess (and jonathan safran foer) would say, i've got the best case of "heavy boots" possible. walk with me. sit down. let me offer you a piece of homemade banana bread with brown sugar crumble. we'll take off our heavy boots together.
