sacrifice the part to save the whole

humans amaze me

really, i am in constant awe

these past two weeks have been a whirlwind. in and out of hospitals with my mother-in-law. from bad mammogram to bad biopsy to complete mastectomy, only two weeks have gone by. two weeks? only two weeks? how can this be possible?

the things that we endure. it's really quite incredible. and while these weeks have been filled with tears and moments of silence and lots of fear, the bigger moments have been the ones of pride, of all-encompassing love, of support from friends and family and nurses with hearts of gold, and amazement.

my mother-in-law is the prime example of someone who suffers in silence. of someone who will sacrifice a part to save the whole without once looking back. someone who comes out of a major surgery, just having one of her body parts cut off, and when i go visit her in recovery, she looks at me all drugged from medication and immediately says

"nina, have you eaten? i feel terrible, you must be exhausted."

again, i'm in awe. and i'm honored that i was able to be present alongside her in her journey to wellness and i'm in shock, and eternally grateful, that her lymph nodes came back negative.

she's dodged another bullet and we all just stare with mouths wide open.


thank you all for your love. xx

got to be

"you know it's gonna be...
alright"

-the beatles


it's just got to be.
i'm exhausting my powers of positive thinking here in gilbertland.

life lessons

this week has been draining but amazing all at the same time. there has been so much time outside, so much time in the forest. my chest is full of so many emotions. thank you for all your kind words and prayers. i'm going to carve out some time tomorrow to get back to all of you. thank you. thank you.

our life is full of lessons, especially during this time.

here were the lessons this week:

get outside as much as you can. outside equals therapy.

let your friends take care of you and get you a cup of tea. even if you're crying. even if your eyes are swollen and you look like poop, they will still love you. you don't even have to talk.

go into the forest. letterbox. finding hidden things helps.

do something different. play with your friends. even if they are little people. little people are therapy. light a humongous fire in the forest. buy a couple of bags of marshmallows. and sunchips. sunchips are the key to happiness. burn wood from the forest. create something bright from something that's done living.

when all else fails, have a popsicle.

or two.


xx

time for bed

someone
most nearest and dearest
to my heart
has
breast cancer

and we are all
in the process
of finding out
and figuring out
what to do

there are doctor's appointments
in the city
and lots of scary stuff
to get through
while trying to hold
the family together

and then there are the
phone calls
where she says to me
"you are my strength
nina
and i love you"

how can i be her strength
when all i want
to do
is go to bed
and cry?

soul adventure

every day
for the past week
we have been
in the forest,
letterboxing,
squishing in quaking bogs,
in vernal pools poking around,
sitting around a campfire in the forest
toasting marshmallows
on dirty sticks.
it hasn't been perfect,
but it is just what it needs to be.

it's our own little soul adventure.

permission

sometimes you just need permission to take a break. to disappear.


here's your permission.

weekend hopes and dreams

i hope your weekend
is filled with
art projects
and jingly balls
and seedlings
and meowing
and blueberry scones
and bright open eyes
and quilts up to your chin
and little nibbles of cheese
and love.

M is for musk ox butt

why oh why do i love kimya dawson so much? because she believes in love and being a good person. and because she has a kids' cd coming out in september called "alphabutt". it's the kids' cd i wish i had written.

last night was a magical, fragrant getaway. i've been to a ton of concerts in my day, but i have to say that last night's may have taken the prize for "most fragrant" (i'm stealing this term from john- a couple of weekends ago we had a date that involved lots of homeless people at the library, skanky thrifting, and an hour at the salvation army. at the end of the date he proclaimed "this was the most fragrant day of my life!") seriously, last night's kimya dawson show (with four bands total- what what!?!) was so freakin' fragnant, and not in a good way. it started off kinda good smelling, kinda like college, and then it took a turn for the worse with the smell of popcorn and my beer burps and pulled pork and onions from dinner and then all i could smell was musk ox. i swear we were sitting next to some sort of musk-emitting creature but we could not locate them.

overall, a very fragrant and malodorous birthday celebration for boo-, but well worth staying up 6 hours past my bedtime for.

and the well is full

first off, HAPPY STINKIN' BIRTHDAY BOO! can't wait to celebrate in the city tonight and do our secret surprise activity that you probably already know about because you read my email. :)

in other news, life is fantastically packed with stuff. it seems every day lately is a lesson is savoring the moment and being fully immersed in whatever it is that we're doing. so much so that it's hard to visit back here and report on it all.

due to my attendance at the fantastic birth last week, this mama is back on coffee. and back in a big way. back in a way that reeks of "if i could have an IV of my delicious organic zen blend coffee then i would" kind of way. i forgot how much i love coffee, and how much i look forward to sipping (and gulping) down its goodness every day.

last week i took a solo soul journey up to portland, ME. it was something that i needed to do for myself- a way to disconnect from my phone and reconnect with the freezing cold rainy cityscape of portland. i went to the same coffee shop three times for three different beverages, i walked around in high heeled boots, bought new gloves, met my future tattoo artist and sat in his shop where incense burned and the walls were sage green, got a chance to meet soulemama and see her gorgeous works of art, and had a date with angela from lovegreendog. i topped the night off with a big steaming bowl of noodles and a heart-to-heart, and my well was full. thank you ang for listening!

right now i'm half watching a documentary called "the gates" that's making me long for a trip to NYC. and now i'm off to go finish knitting a big long scarf to wear on boo's birthday date tonight! hope your days are filled with all the good stuff, like raspberry pastries and endless cups of joe.

a interview, and how joey eats an apple

my day is filled with bits like this
conversations about nothing much
and so much
all at the same time
simple lessons disguised as prattle

this is how joey eats an apple
taking it all into his mouth
chewing and chewing
and then spitting it all back out onto the plate

i used to try to fight it
and try to get him to eat it properly
but then i thought to myself
hey, that's just how he is
that's how he rolls
taking the sweet juice out of life
and getting rid of the rest

we could all learn some lessons
from joey.

and the universe kicks my ass...again

and there it was...again, the universe packing a punch to my soul:

Is it so important that those in your life, Nina Beana, fully appreciate how much you mean to them?

Or can you get along just fine knowing it for yourself?

Yeah....
The Universe

the secret life of mama

there are so many things that my children don't know or aren't able to understand yet. when they got up this morning and bounded into the room, covering my face (and earlobes) with kisses and kubers, they were unaware of the secret life of mama bubbling under the surface.

you see, i had only gone to bed about an hour before. i came home, stripped off my clothes that were spattered in someone else's blood, and fell blissfully asleep for one hour before the day started.

this is the life of a doula- a life that breathes and grows mostly in the dark hours of the night. a secret place where hands are held, backs are massaged, comfort is given. me, driving through the night rain listening to the beatles "come together" and feeling connected to the world. holding someone at both their strongest and weakest moment. that feeling to watch the head crown, and then to watch the baby spill out. the blood. the glory of a new mom. the wiping of a brow. the first suck. the sweet baby cries filling the night, making sleep unnecessary.

this is my secret life.