love update

there's really no words coming
except
i love you
and this crazy life.

xx

snowed in

we were snowed in for the majority of the weekend. it really forced us as a family to s.l.o.w. d.o.w.n. and just chill out. you know, like nap and stuff. it was kind of hard but pretty cool at the same time. there were some moments though where i considered hanging out in the car by myself though to stop the constant fondling and nudging and snugglefestivites that occured.

even though i'm touched-out, i'm feeling ready for the holiday week. hope you are, too. xx

how you likie my new 50 plus pound face? just more to love...

primal urge

i'm getting this really crazy strong almost psycho urge to go and pack a bag for the hospital. something i've never done in advance before, mind you. so what's up with this? i have no baby clothes ready- they are all in tubs in the basement and smell like funky mold. and i don't even know who this little baby will be so i would have no idea which clothes to wash. and i have no diapers or wipes or anything else like that ready to go. and no boobie-pads, which are key in post-labor nina beana land. maybe i should make a run to BJ's and pick up some stuff so i can rest peacefully at night? or i could basically pack a sportsbra and maybe some comfy fat pants and then call myself good to go? my babies really don't need anything except mama's milk and some crap-ass clothes and some lubbins. so i should chill. i really need to chill.

please friends, i urge you to bring me food and chocolate if i go early.

merry

(photo by gray)

trying to see
all the good around me
remaining open
to the signs that the universe is sending me.

listen
stay quiet
be open
slow down
remember what's important
take time
perspective

perspective

perspective.

complain complain

i've stopped sleeping completely. maybe john is right...maybe i am a vampire. i actually do sleep from 9p-12 every night. and then i'm up. but i can't do anything productive. because i'm tired. but i can't sleep. so i watch the food network and i stare at the christmas tree and i eat green apples and pecorino romano cheese.

my girl is sick. the antibiotics didn't work a couple of weeks ago and now she's even worse off than last time. she's got a double ear infection and strep throat and a high fever and weird blistery things on her face. she's a complete beast but i do feel terrible for her. but because i was up all last night, i'm having a hard time walking around taking care of people. the spiced apple turnover for mama after her doctor's appointment helped. but it didn't make the day completely peachy keen. john and i are sick too, but when you have a sick kid, you just can't be sick. so we power on.

speaking of sick, joey just pooped his pants. wanna know how he told me?:
"oops...i just did a little squirtsy-doodle!"

i forgot to mention...the boy is sick, too. with diarrhea. a major case of the squirtsy-doodles.

is it tomorrow yet?

even more good stuff

bellies and the fireplace at my dad's house, which is all the more sweeter because i don't have to get the wood, make the fire, keep it going, etc. and a fire appears whenever i request one. and the baby gets toasty and happy. and i drink tea. and watch the kids tear up the house.

freshly made sushi just for me by whole foods staff without ginger and wasabi that makes my sushi taste like poo.

dates to starbucks with johnny alone and then christmas shopping for the kids (one present each- ha!) and then our annual date trip to annie's hallmark where we buy our special ornaments and drop a ridonkulous amount of cashola but don't feel bad about it because it makes us so happy.

johnny's sympathy heartburn.

rubbing joey's head.

pushing gray to do something she wasn't feeling at the moment but then having it turn out OK and watching her realize that her mama is always right.

joey's impromptu "party" and "cake" last night.

watching joey clutch his new birthday firetruck, even when he's napping, and thinking of little randy on 'the christmas story'.

our rocking christmas tree makes me happy even though there are about 5 or 6 ornaments on each branch, especially the ones waist level and below.

joey just saying to me "mom, can i sit next to you? because i love you."

watching gray eat noodle soup.

christmas movies every day.

my date with joey today.

watching gray run off the bus after school with a huge smile on her face.

huge packages from sweet bloggie friends filled with gorgeous clothes that i can't wait to wear.

getting the mail every day and savoring every holiday card.

the second john walks in from work at the end of a long day.


xx

happy friday

"i am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye." - the brilliant kimya dawson


happy friday beloved peeps.

xx

FAQ

inspired by brittany's post about her own pregnancy stats, i offer you some of my most FAQ's about this pregnancy, and way too much information for your own good...

weeks pregnant: 30

pounds gained: about 35 plus at this point

number of babies inside: just one

boy or girl: no clue, but i think it's a girl

do you want to find out?: yes, we've tried (we've had three ultrasounds) but the tech can't see anything because of crossed buddha legs. at this point, we may just end up being surprised which is fine by us.

are the kids excited?: yes, very. especially joey. he's quite taken with the belly and the "bee-bee"

do you have names picked out?: yes. catalina redwood and teddy stonewall. and no, we're not kidding, and no, we're not changing our minds.

are you worried that teddy will hate you when he becomes a man and his real name is teddy? shouldn't you just name him ted?: no. we're not worried. there are many crazy and cruel things about this world, and if teddy's name is the biggest worry on his list, we'll consider him lucky. he can call himself whatever the hell he likes and we won't care. but his name is going to be teddy. and we'll always call him teddy bear. even in front of his partner.

will your daughter's name really be catalina catalano?: no. catalano is my maiden name, remember silly? it will be catalina redwood gilbert.

why redwood and why stonewall?: because. because we likie.

you're huge! do you think you'll make it until feb. 11th (due date)?: i don't know. i'm measuring at 32 weeks. i was informed at my appt yesterday that i should expect another big baby (joey was 8lbs. 13 oz.) which is fine by me. because i like fatty babies. i was 10 days late with gray and about a week early with joey so at this point who the heck knows.

how are you feeling?: just fine! except for when i can't walk. or poop. or during the contractions. or after 6pm.

what time do you go to bed?: around 7:15pm. it seems i can't make it much past that. but then i wake up around 12 or 1am and start my day. thank god for vampire books.



so that's the skinny folks! i'm hanging in there, enjoying the ride. i'm looking forward to meeting my sweet one, breastfeeding, and drinking again (kidding, but not really).

xx

good things part 3

*when gray is in a really really bad mood and threatening to ruin our family time date and beautiful walk in the sunshine, i stop, take a deep breath, and look around for a sign. i see a tree with a nice butthole just waiting to be poked. i say to her "if you put your finger in that tree's butthole i guarantee that your bad mood will disappear."

and it does.

good things part 2

*have i mentioned how much baby loves brussel sprouts? so much so, i fact, that last night, after cooking a whole bunch (four dollars worth, which is quite a bunch) of brussels, i went to sprinkle some salt and pepper on top before eating. unfortunately the pepper top was open (the part that you're supposed to be able to dunk your spoon into) and literally about five tablespoons of pepper dumped on top of my snack. did that stop me from eating them? no. pregnancy at it's best.

*joey watching the movie 'sinbad' right now (totally inappropriate but most of it is going over his head thankfully)...but he keeps screaming "MAN NIPPLES!" every time a half naked dude comes on the screen

*every morning when joey comes into my bed (at 5am) he snuggles in to me in the dark and whispers "i dreamed about the baby" and then pulls up my shirt and kisses my stomach

*refusing to wear maternity clothes this time around

*MAN NIPPLES!

*reading a whole chapter book last night about butterflies that talk and have attitude problems

*the kids going to bed at 5:30pm

*taco night

*library story time

*gray's thankful notes to her teachers

*johnny's cold feet in bed and him hogging all the blankets (i secretly like it)

*double boilers

*muffins

*movie date night coming up tomorrow night

xx

the good things

*gray being healthy and happy again after a couple of bad days last week with strep throat, a strep body rash, and a double ear infection

*a date with johnny this weekend for hot drink treats (chai and triple shot lattes) and then sushi

*christmas parades and seeing the kids on the float with high spirits even though it was about 10 degrees out

*being able to walk today. seriously, walking is pretty cool.

*lower back massages

*reading chapter books with the kids in my bed

*how the grinch stole christmas every day this week

*seeing the faces of the kids at the aquarium this weekend, and getting free tickets. watching the turtle eat lettuce and puke. examining the private parts of sharks.

*having all my thanksgiving shopping done

*vampire series books and the librarians that still love me even though all i take out now are bad young adult books. stacks and stacks of them every day.

*scholastic book order forms and gray getting off the bus today clutching two of them screaming "mom! TWO! TWO of them!!!"

*my date with joey today in front of a roaring, smoky fire reading dr. suess

*feeling the baby kick all night long, trying to imagine what s/he will be like in a couple of months

*connecting with a really fantastic doula-in-training who will attend our birth and who has been to ina may's farm in TN

*having all the dusty fancy plates and wine glasses already washed and ready for thursday

*grateful presents ready to be delivered to neighbors

*thanksgiving placecards

*reading in the car in the mornings while waiting for the bus, the heat blasting

*wearing brown shoes and black clothes and not caring because i'm pregnant and feel like i should be able to get away with any fashion transgression.

*joey's love for reading

*family dinners at the 99

*a whole bunch of appetizers just waiting to be made this week

*a huge pot of chicken soup on the stove right now waiting to be eaten

*family about to get-together and put aside differences this week

*brussel sprouts

*bowls of spinach

*bowls of broccoli

*seeing beautiful friends and family every time we're out somewhere in public- one of the benefits of living in the town that we both grew up in (it's actually quite comical how many people we saw at starbucks last weekend)

*oolong tea

*organic pregnancy tea

*vitamins helping me stay healthy, and keeping my baby safe

*going to bed at 6pm

*cinnamon buns

there's much more, but mama's going to veg for a bit. how's it hangin' in your world? xx

what i need

(photo by gray)

i'm hibernating.
and i can't stop.
haven't been taking many pictures.
haven't been blogging, emailing, phone calling.

i have been
surrounded
by my crafts
and stacks of magazines
and library books
and cup
after cup
of tea.

this is what i need right now
bedtimes at 7pm
vampire stories in the middle of the night
my family snuggled on the couch
surprise pieces of chocolate cake

and that's about it.

but i do miss you. xx

new

new week ahead
and everything seems possible again
starting it off with a new attitude
and a new coat
(vintage find for $5 with generous butt-pleats for my pregnancy butt)
that is bright orange
in the morning light
and a new plate
shaped like celery
gifted to me
by boo
it makes me want to race to the store
and buy celery
cream cheese
and paprika
and invite some friends over

today is midwife visit
and library
and snuggling on the couch
trying not to fall asleep
at 6pm today
because my day
started at 12am

i have been getting quite a lot of reading done
thanks to this
insomnia

off to start
life.

xx

quirky bird

gray is a quirky bird. sometimes bubbly and boisterous, other time moody, withdrawn, and kind of sad, she's always a trip. she likes to dress herself for school and sometimes comes up with some whacked outfits. she also doesn't like to be talked to when she gets off the bus for two hours, until it's time for bed. then she most always will have to go poop, even though it's past her bedtime. she likes carrots and dip and broccoli but you can't get her to eat a piece of cake (the frosting is a different story). she's a conundrum, a mystery that i'm always trying to figure out.

lately she's taken to writing names like "carlos" and "elvis" on scraps of paper (like my shopping lists) with hearts around them. boys at the bus stop run up to her and say "oooh grace, you're so pretty, i love you and you're my girlfriend!" and then i launch into my cheese-ball, "hey, we're all friends, we're all friends with each other on this beautiful planet" blah blah blah and all the little ones roll their eyes, rub their snot noses, and run away.

i'm in for a long ride.

this morning, she created this fantastic card for her bus driver. her bus driver is this pretty rad looking young woman who reminds me of annie lennox. short pixie hair dyed almost white with a nose ring and a love of funky hats. needless to say, gray is enamored. the card was classic gray- all hearts and rainbows and the bus driver's name. and then she said "i have an idea!" and so excitedly wrote "dawn- grace loves you!". she was like "this will make dawn so happy". how could i tell her that it may be borderline inappropriate to court your bus driver? so i smiled and said she'd love it.

and you know what, she totally did. i sat in my car and watched gray excitedly hand over the note, and the bus driver's face lit up like you would not believe. even from the distance i was at, i could tell with certainty that it would be the best part of her day.

and it was mine, too.




have a beautious weekend. i'll be hibernating with the fam. xx

be OK

i found this incredibly inspiring. i hope you do, too.

it's been about

i can't even tell you where i've been or what i've been up to.

it's been a lot about sitting and being in the moment. being away from the tv and away from the computer. being in the leaves. being with the kids and their art supplies and going on dates with them. lavishing them with the attention they both need right now. it's been about being in the kitchen, preparing meals, and nourishing the people that i love. it's about learning how to accept help from others, and loving when people take caramel. it's about the little things that seem so big- having a friend bake a minature "happy halloween" cake for you and hand deliver it. another friend buying me the most delicious italian take-out dinner that i could have possibly imagined. it's been about driving through the city at night past my bedtime in a cow costume. it's about plowing through stacks of books from the library at 2am in the morning. finding ways to surprise others in little ways. letting go of the need for a clean house and appreciating the love that takes place inside it instead.

i'm having guests over today. and instead of cleaning my bathroom at 4am this morning when i came downstairs, i sat down. i took a deep breath. i made a cup of tea and poured a big frosty cup of orange juice. i lit a candle. i thought about all the reasons why i'm lucky to have my life. and then i thought about how all the people that are coming over love me for who i am regardless of how my bathroom looks. there may be hairballs and mold and scary things lingering about in there, but it's real. so it will be as it is. i sat down with the glow of the computer and decided to check in with my bloggie peeps instead.

then i realized that it was actually not 4am but 3am (ah, daylight savings!)

but that's besides the point.

so even though i may be missing from here
i am still here
in the thick of it
spilling apple cider down my chin
all over my shirts
that don't fit anymore
because a baby
is popping out from the bottom

and i miss you
and think about you.

thank you all again for being here with me. xx

early holiday saley-sale

hello dearest of dearpeeps,

just a little FYI that there's a little saley-sale going on in my etsy shop. i really want my paintings to find a home for the holidays. so they are both marked down...way down. it's a great chance for someone to get an original mixed media piece of nina beana work- so hop on over and snag it!

xx
nb.

gratitude

(leaving a space for baby #3)


pumpkin chocolate chip cookies.

dates with joey to our local orchard where you can sit down inside. johnny invested in my happiness and for just $20 bought me a new stainless steel mug from the orchard and i can go 50 times a day if i want and get "free" coffee, tea, or hot apple cider. needless to say, joey and i have been spending a ridiculous amount of our date time sitting at the table together, watching the customers, eating lemon poppy seed scones and refilling my apple cider. he draws, i get fatter. it's a pretty good deal.

whole foods. throat coat tea. finding decaf chai today. free organic chocolate milk.

sleeping all night (well, until 4am but that's progress!) for the past three nights.

having my head rubbed last night.

winning a brand new board game for the kids at a raffle last week.

my brother taking me out to dinner last night at one of my favorite restaurants.

piles of christmas presents already. lists for thanksgiving.

a huge bag of giant apples waiting to be turned into applesauce.

dinner tonight. sitting on my couch with people i love.

feeling the baby kick my laptop right now.

getting organized around the house.

feeling safe and warm in our little situation.

learning about my children who are very complex and completely beautiful and mind-boggling.

opening my mailbox and finding the most beautiful photo of roots from an even more beautiful friend. running inside, putting it in a frame, and hanging it on my favorite wall immediately.

this blog post.

this website.

campfires. hot chocolate machines. family dinners on sundays. endless marshmallows on sticks. the bittersweet popping all around us.


what's got your fires burnin'?

awake

i've pretty much
stopping sleeping
completely

maybe it's all the vampire stories?

but today
i'm thankful
for my family
for bonfires
for friends
who let me fart in front of them
and for project runway canada
at 2am in the morning

the sound of crunching leaves
is all around
and makes it all ok.

baby's favorite things

so this baby
still remains a mystery
as far as gender is concerned

there have been
some ultrasounds
but no conclusive evidence
of
if
the baby
has
a
peanut
or
a
beanerdog.

which is kind of ok.
i'm ok with the mystery.
i'm not sure i'd be as ok if i didn't already have a boy and a girl.
but babies don't need much
except love
so i'm really ok
with the not-knowing this time around.


lots of people
have asked
what i'm craving
this time around

unlike my pregnancy with grace
i am NOT craving ice cream
and milk from glass bottles

this time around
all i crave
is
SALT
and CHAI
(and bad teen lit and vampire books before bedtime)

truthfully i've kind of been eating like poo
but the baby's healthy so all is good.

xx

seriously pregnant

insanity, i tell you
the size of my buddha is complete insanity
as this baby grows
my clothes get smaller
even the maternity shirts
don't cover the whole thing
and that's ok
because soon
i will move on
to john's sweatshirts
and when those stop fitting
then i won't leave the house
because it will be snowing
and i'll be getting ready
for three.


embracing fall in all its glory.
this weekend there were parties and meals and gatherings
and fevers and coughs and clingy, sick kids
but there was so much love
and so many of the most perfect things that i heart
that this weekend
really
truly
rocked the casbah.

happy fall love love love weekend!

pleased to announce the opening of my humble little etsy shop!



see sidebar for handy-dandy etsy link, and stay posted for more goodies! thanks for all the wonderful support and encouragement so far- my peeps really do rock. xx

i woke up at 3am to have peace and quiet to watch this

why i love my husband clark griswold

we had a lovely and relaxing time up north this weekend. like a reallllly reallllly good time.

but here's why i stinkin' love my husband clark griswold.

we (read: me) were all frantically getting ready on saturday morning. there were multiple bags to be packed for multiple tradeoffs with the kids- there were soccer balls and cleats and shin pads not to be forgotten. the toothbrushes! the cough medicine! the wedding shoes and of course the purse for the new burts bees lipbalm for those crazy chapped lips. there were so many details, and we all went about our business, packing and packing and showering and uh, sleeping. johnny was quite the sleepyhead and needed to be prodded to get in the shower, pack, and eat before our departure. but that's cool, because that's soooo johnny. a complete sleepyhead.

to make a long story short, we get up north with a bit (maybe an hour?) of time to spare before the 3pm wedding. we do an early-check-in at our hotel down the street and lug all our bags and stuff up to the second floor of the hotel to our room. we decide to get dressed, run through a drive-through to pick up a quick bite to eat for preggie-mama, and then go to the wedding. mind you, we just had over a three hour drive to get to our final destination. mama's hungry!

so i start rummaging through my bag to grab my new dress. and my shoes. and my shawl. and i glance up at johnny, who's standing right in front of me looking like a deer caught in the headlights. all it took was one look at him and i say

"so you forgot your suit?"

and he nods.

so i put on my dress. and my shoes. and my shawl. and then we proceed to haul-ass to the nearest outlet store and buy a suit and shirt off the rack. the wedding! in a half-hour! dressing rooms, hip checking old people to get the goods. i'm dressed for a wedding, and john's in jeans and a t-shirt. i'm the pregnant mama hobbling through the store on high heels. pretty comical if you ask me.

but seriously, i couldn't love this man any more. this man who is my fourth child. this man who simultaneously holds our family together and causes more disasters* with his clark griswold charm. how on earth did we end up together so perfectly? he drives me nuts, yes, but i love him.


*(but this is why i cringe when we says he wants to get a motorcycle.)

ps- we really did have a fabulous time at the wedding. and managed to stay married ourselves, too. bonus!

dear luscious fall

hello fall.

well aren't you just perfect? perfect for walking around, drinking chai after chai, filling up cartfulls of crisp apples? and wearing capes. yes, i do love myself a cape now and then.

i adore you, fall. i really do.

the whole fall deal was made even sweeter this past weekend during our husband-and-wife trip to north conway, NH to celebrate the marriage of our friends. there was some serious foliage going on up there. breathtaking. and then there were the four bears we saw, right up close and personal. a mama bear and her three babies following along behind her, just crossing the road right in front of us on top of a mountain. my first thought when i looked at that mama was "that's me." there i go. my kindred bear-mama spirit. it was pretty magical and kinda freaky.

anyone who's curious...my cervix is CLOSED and LUSCIOUS (my midwife's word, not mine)! i spent the morning with my midwife getting checked because of some problems that i've been having- lots of pain and scary stuff. for anyone who knows me, you know that it was a big deal that i even called in the first place to get an appointment to go in...a first. but i've never been more relieved to hear that everything is fine, and that i'm actually in excruciating pain because i've gained over ten pounds in two weeks! hello! and i'm measuring a full two inches more than i was two weeks ago. so my body is going through some funkalicious changes, producing some uncomfortable feelings down under. but baby #3 is healthy and fine and the heart is beating great- and my private parts are luscious! so all is well in the world.


AND i don't have to cook dinner tonight because my dad's making chicken soup.

i love my life.

magic magic and more magic

this weekend, i hope the magic swirls around you.

i hope you are so stinkin' magical that dragonflies and fairies swarm to you and land right on your head when you least expect it.

i hope you think it's really rad that you are a fairy princess and the smallest of creatures feel safe with you.

then i hope you realize what's really happening and you totally freak out and lose your mind.

peace out!
xx

nesting, creating, and hibernating

so here's where i've been these past couple of weeks dear people:

in the office drowning in art supplies, marinating.

staring at the sparkly lights and the jars of goodies all around.

working on some paintings. which is big for me. like huge.

this is my painting. hello, painting. i love looking at it. i love the bits of ephemera and the layers of paint peeking through. i think it would make the greatest addition to a baby's room. i need to take some better pictures in real light (it's been raining here forever so i snazzed up the colors a bit). eventually, it will go up in my etsy shop which i also worked on getting setting up this week (thanks to the support and lubbins of dear pix). if you are pre-interested before it goes up and want more deets, please feel free to email me and we'll talk. xx

so this is me. here, sitting right here. with incense burning all around. and some fall candles. i'm either here or in my basement, sorting through about 30 moldy bags of mixed baby and toddler clothes. spending about $100 on those huge 30 gallon bins, sorting and sorting. stacking and stacking. nesting and preparing for the arrival of this baby who's gender remains unknown. sweeping and sorting and creating. thinking of christmas already. presents to make and design. getting ready for a weekend away in the mountains, sans kiddies. as much as i hate to be away from them again, especially with grace being gone all week until 4pm at kindergarten (kindergarten!)- but i really am looking forward to celebrating the love of our friends, eating in diners, and tucking away in a big hotel bed at the end of the night- just pregnant me and my husband.

so that's the scoop.

what the heck have you been up to? do tell.

when all else fails

when all else fails
i have a burrito for breakfast
and an ice cream cone for lunch.

it's a good thing i don't homeschool

their version:




(i'm sad that the "you're a little flat" part got cut off of this version because it's our favorite part, but i can't find it anywhere right now- you get the point, though...)

our version:



my most favorite part of this video is how happy grace is because she's rubbing the crap out of her brother's earlobies.

hope you have a pooperific day! xx

deep breath in

the things that sustain me:

the beach
eating on the beach
blankets on the beach
laying on the beach and having sand get all over me
swimming in undies at the beach
even though it's freezing out

can you figure out where we were this weekend?

sit with me and wax poetic about my insanity

sit down with me a moment.

and feel free to reassure me that i am not going crazy.

"what's happening?" you ask. "how are you feeling?"

and here's the part where i look at you and tell you that i really have no freakin' idea.


things are wonderful.
still.
but i'm also dealing with all these strange post-squam feelings.
feelings that vacillate between thinking my head might blow off from all the creativity,
where i go to the store and stock-pile supplies and come home and spend the day
creating things with myself and with the kids.
the house is a beautiful mess
of painted papers
and scraps
and baskets of supplies.
there are twinkling lights hanging up in my studio space
and i feel like the floodgates have opened wide
and everything is flowing and right.

but i also feel
overwhelmed
and shut off
like i need to hibernate
like maybe i dind't make enough connections
that maybe people didn't like me enough

all those nasty
g.r.e.m.l.i.n.s.
that andrea scher talked about
are rearing their ugly heads.

why now?

why after all that beauty and perfection?

maybe it's the shock of being back in my daily life,
where rountine is a big ugly beast.
i'm fighting it.
i'm trying to live more genuinely in the moment.

i keep thinking back
to penelope's class
where i gathered sticks
alone
and formed them into a simple circle
and the light was dappled
and shining through the branches up above
into the center of the circle
and i stood inside
and took a deep breath

and just was.

fully full full full

(photo by susan tuttle)

how can i adequately express in words where i'm at right now?
i'm so filled with a new kind of peace that i never knew was inside of me.
i am full.
with new friends and old ones, strengthened.
my tribe, scattered across north america.
a renewed love and appreciation for all that i have in my own life, right in front of me.
my family, who missed me and tell me so.

i really think i should get away more often.


xx

i'm home

i'm home
safe
full
happy

and lucky.

did i mention lucky?

need time to process and drown in the love of my family. back soon. xx

and i'm off

off tomorrow to go rub elbows with some of the most creative and inspiring people in my blogging world. i couldn't be happier and more excited. coupled with the excitement of grace's first day of full day kindergarten tomorrow- this mama may not be getting much sleep tonight. thank god for an endless supply of vampire books to get me through the early morning hours. :)

thank you to all my beautiful people that are helping me make these five days possible. i could spank your fannies with gratitude forever and it wouldn't be enough.

see you next week!

(and yes johnny, i fully understand that i have humongous earlobies and that this picture scares you!!- LOBIES!)

today

today
i picked a bunch of pumpkins
in my dad's yard
with the kids

and today
we are dancing to
old school records on
the record player
waiting for our dear friends from california
to arrive

everything is slowly coming together
as i prepare to leave for five days
there will certainly be damage control upon return
but in the meantime
my mantra is
"today"

and

"the world will go on without me"


sounds simple,
but i do have to keep reminding myself.

so this is what i've been up to

howdy folks
lots going down around here, but mainly cooking this gilbert-child #3
as you can see, the oven is getting f.u.l.l., round, and plumpalicious.
baby is starting to move around, little tiny flutterings here and there reminding me of the oven-times for babes #1 and #2.
trying to keep things in perspective.
trying to savor the time that #3 can't talk back to me, and can't partake in the sibling rivalry.
waiting for squam, waiting to find out the gender of said baby (the day after i get home from squam) so i can stop calling the baby #3 and start calling it by it's name.
our names rock, btw, if i do say so myself, so i'm quite excited.
i love the idea of naming little baby boys these really crotchety old man names. our boy name is "ted" but he will be called teddy. and of course, teddy bear. but can you just picture the freakin' cutestness of a little tiny baby boy named teddy? teddy stonewall gilbert. i could just eat him already.
and the girl name...i'll just wait to share that one with you.

so that's it

food

sewing machine

kids loving and kids fighting

garden

walking in the woods

parties and cookouts

planning

that's my life.
off to an open house for kindergarten.
what the hell would i do if i didn't stay home?

xx

believe

(chickens and tummy)

life is on the brink of change. i can feel it in the air, can feel it all around. it's getting cooler (thank god!) and it's closer to my most favorite of seasons. finally i feel like i can spread my wings and get out a bit and enjoy the outside. we've been traveling, cooking, farming it up, frolicking with the chickens, painting on the porch every day, going to bed early at night. there have been preparations for squam and exciting conversations with inspiring people. there is magic in the air.

not to mention that it's almost time for back-to-school! i hate to admit to being excited about this, but the sibling rivalry (and subsequent scream-fests) have been at an all-time high here in gilbertland (as any of our recent visitors can attest to) so i think that a bit of separate-time for the kids will do everyone a bit of good.

there's just this weird message that keeps permeating through everything that whispers "everything will get easier in a couple of weeks, nina. i promise." and right now i'm choosing to believe.

it will be nice to get away

my mantra for the week.

xx happy almost weekend.

anyone want to rub the buddha?

this is me at 15 weeks. looks like it may be time to move on into the maternity clothes. because most of my peeps are at belly-level, they are always pointing out to me that my tummy is hanging out. i love this buddha of mine, but there's something about somebody pointing out to you that it's hanging out that just makes me want to, um, hide it.

so maybe it's because this is my third pregnancy in five years, but my belly just popped. popped like my midwife said something to the effect of "wow, that's interesting. you are quite popped out, aren't you?" (in a very loving way, of course). and complete strangers (clueless ones, albeit) say things like "due any day now, huh?" and i just laugh to myself thinking- oh, if you could only see me in another 20 weeks. with each of my other pregnancies, i gained 65 pounds of buddha belly (with expansion across the board thrown in for good measure). so i've got a ways to go. so much so that with pregnancy #3, my scale lays dormant and unused under the cabinet in the bathroom (where it lays usually when i'm not pregnant, too). when i go for checkups (like the one i have later on today...and i get to go ALONE! it's the little things...) i get on the scale backwards and tell them that i don't really care to know how much i weigh. call it denial, call it bliss, but i like expanding in a natural way without too much analyzing of what's right and wrong (luckily i've had care providers that have either been supportive of my weight gain or haven't given a crap about it so i don't get too much flak).


one of the best things about having an expanding buddha, coupled with the little people that are eye-level, are the constant lubbins that the bellybaby gets. we still don't know the gender yet, so the kids whisper both names we have chosen for the baby, and then always make sure to say "i love you". it's completely trippy to think that some day early next year this little one will be a full fledged member of team gilbert, complete with their own quirky gilbert traits and team spirit.

go buddha!

don't put your peanut on the table!

it's only 6amish, and i'm already saying things like "don't put your peanut on the table!"

and i don't mean peanut like peanut butter.

also, joey has lost a bit (understatement) of weight following his surgery. he barely had a bum to begin with, but looking at his nakedness this morning, i said "where did your bum go? you have no bum!" and he replied "yes i do, mama. i love to toot in your face!".

so after a big of a blogging break, i feel ready to return. these past days have been filled with ups and downs, with lots and lots of caramel thrown in to remind me of all the beautiful things in my life. there were parties and cakes and songs and beach trips and and fresh veggies and herbs and gift cards to my favorite places and new clothes and delicious dinners and slices of pizza on the sand and dinners alone with my husband and some tears and some snuggles and lots of beautiful messages to remind me that i am loved. and it's a beautiful thing. a beautiful, beautiful, thing.

thank you for being on this crazy ride with me, and spreading your sweet caramel all over my world. xx

maybe

"maybe there is more truth in how you feel than in what actually happens." -ann brashares

"maybe happiness didn't have to be about big, sweeping circumstances, about having everything in your life in place. maybe it was about stringing together a bunch of small pleasures. wearing slippers and watching the miss universe contest. eating a brownie with vanilla ice cream. getting to level seven in dragon master and knowing there were twenty levels to go.

maybe happiness was just a matter of the little upticks- the traffic signal that said "walk" the second you got there- and downticks- the itchy tag at the back of your collar- that happened to every person in the course of a day. maybe everybody had the same alloted measure of happiness within each day.

maybe it didn't matter if you were a world-famous heartthrob or a painful geek. maybe it didn't matter if your friend was possibly dying.

maybe you just got through it. maybe that was all you could ask for."

-ann brashares, from the sisterhood of the traveling pants

life gets busy

this morning in the shower
i had this moment
where i was like
oh crap!
it's less than a month until squam
but there's so much
other stuff
going on
that i feel like i'm not going to be
adequately prepared
to get as much as i
fully can
out of the experience

for example
when am i going to go out
and buy supplies
and create gifties
and pack
and mentally prepare to bathe in the goodness of all my goddesses?
before squam
we've got fifty parties
dance camp
three thousand doctor appointments
and then there's grace's first day of kindergarten
on the actual day that i leave, the 10th.

does anyone out there
feel so overwhelmed
with regular life
that
you worry
that you won't be able
to fully immerse
in the extra special stuff?

or does that just happen naturally?

please help.
(and also, i'd love to hear who else out there will be going...maybe that will make me feel better!)