tripping the light fantastic...except the exact opposite of that

 

John and I had a fantastic date night this past Friday, sneaking into the city to snuggle the double rainbows, and then off to see Mike Gordon from Phish at the House of Blues.  It was nice to get away, and run around the city trying to get to all the places we had to be, but it made us realize how old we feel!  Watching all these young kids tripping out to the music was making me so nervous and motherly...I kept wondering how these poor souls were going to get home safely.  The people watching at the Mike Gordon show was incredible though...people in their own drugged up little worlds dancing like nobody was watching.  We were SO sober.  But it was still awesome.  And the music?...I die.

(note to self...next time you go to a concert and need to have a full body search to get in, make sure you empty your purse of all the rocks, tinctures, salves, various herbs, oils, and remedies...I just get saying to the girl that was searching me "I know this stuff looks totally suspicious, but it's really just harmless hippie stuff, I swear!). 

(another note to self...when you want to go out for sushi after a concert, and your ears are already ringing...don't let the waitress sit you next to the rowdy table of people drinking five scorpion bowls.  It literally took me three days to get my hearing back from all the screaming!)

 

I've always wanted to go to the House of Blues, so I was happy to finally experience it!  So glad that I have a partner in crime that indulges all my bucket list requests, even if includes watching people on acid spinning around in their own universes.

In other news, we celebrated John's Nana Cupcakes' 91st birthday this weekend.  And let me tell you...she is a total inspiration.  She is joyful and so young at heart.  I hope I'm going to concerts and living it up when I am her age!  Cheers to seizing every moment.

*seeing the light*

Lately I've been thinking a lot about light.  About the lack of it lately, and the return of it soon.  This morning the light was streaming through my kitchen window, and I just sank to the floor and let it shine all over my face. The kids looked at me like I was a little crazy.  But that's how thirsty I am for the sun.

The past weeks have been taken up with some doctor's appoitments concerning my bum, and then lots of self care.  I need to have surgery in May.  It's not a huge deal, really.  I keep telling myself it's not cancer, so I shouldn't complain.  But I do have to be put under general anesthesia, a first for me.  And I have to be intubated, which is a huge fear of mine.  Really, it is the essence of letting go.  Being under the complete control of someone else.  There will be lots of stitches, and pain, and a long road of healing, due to the nature of the surgery and the area of the incision.  It won't be fun.  But it's one of those things that has to be done.

Maybe with this surgery will come room for more light.  Out with the old, with what doesn't serve me anymore, and in with the new.  It's interesting that during my whole life on this planet, all 35 years, I have never had surgery, never even really had to take any medication, never really got sick.  And now all of a sudden, in the course of a few short months, I will have had two surgeries, one of the front of my body and one on the back.  A bisection of sorts.  There's got to be some meaning here.

I'm currently studying Reiki and I'm loving every minute of it.  I love learning about the chakras and how to balance them.  Maybe my message lies in my sacral and root chakras.  I love learning about light and how to use energy to heal the ones I love.  We are also learning about self Reiki (there are lots of awesome videos on youtube).  I try to put aside some time every day to practice Reiki on myself, and send loving energy to all my parts that are broken, misaligned, and in need of some extra care.

As May approaches, I will picture myself bathed in light.  Safe.  Held.  I think at this point, we could all use a little warmth and light that the promise of Spring holds.

pain in the a$$

So I've been dealing with this thing...this thing of a very private nature.  And it involves my ass.  More specifically, it involves a cyst on my tailbone.  And this cyst on my tailbone is my teacher right now.  And it's a royal pain in my ass.

Not only is it forcing me to slow down, but it's forcing me to be acutely aware of my body and it's needs.  For those of you out there who know me...I'm not a big fan of going to the doctor's.  I'm one of those people that will ignore something for as long as possible until it (hopefully) resolves itself rather than go to the doctor and nip it in the bud.  I don't even really know who my PCP is.  I just don't go.  And I'm usually pretty successful treating things homeopathically.  Or with essential oils.  Which is what I've been doing with this cyst (this cyst that I've had since I was a little kiddo)----using helichrysum oil and sometimes Thieves.  Let me tell you...if you haven't experienced the magical qualities of a good helichrysum oil (I've yet to figure out how to appropriately pronounce this), then go explore!  It's insanely powerful.  One drop goes a long way.

Let me tell you something though...essential oils helped.  For a long time.  But ever since I started IVF, this cyst has been acting up.  And getting bigger.  Bigger than essential oils and some good mojo could fix.  And then once I gave birth and was laying in the hospital bed recuperating from the c-section, it reached epic proportions of painfulness.  I just remember laying there, and the nurses would come in to check on me, asking "How do you feel?" and  I would say "Great, except..." and then proceed to tell them all about my tailbone.  They look confused.  Didn't you just have your abdomen cut open?  And you're complaining about your tailbone?  I found that I was saying yes to the pain medication, not for the incision pain, but for the pain in my ass.

Yesterday I almost cried I was in so much pain.  I can't sit.  I can't walk.  I certainly can't exercise.  And as saintly as Johnny is, he is certainly tired of hearing me talk about my butt.

So my lesson?  I need help.  Doctor's aren't bad.  I need to be open...to someone looking inside my bum.  It won't be pleasant.  I've heard some pretty terrible stories about the recovery from the surgery.   Which is part of the reason why I've put this off for so long.  Luckily I have some good friends who gave me the smackdown yesterday and pretty much forced me to call the doctor and make a consult.  One even offered to pack my wound for me (now that's friendship!).   Lulu is going to be my bum-doula this afternoon when we go in for my first appointment.

I've got this.  Deep breaths.

love more...judge less

Love more...judge less.

A beautiful idea, huh?  So simple, yet so profound.  And SO easier said than done.

My friend Jenn Ford alerted me about how today, 3/4, is a day dedicated to promoting judgment free motherhood.  Read more about it here on this awesome blog, Connecticut Working Moms.  I think it's an amazing idea.  And it transcends motherhood.  We could all use more love, and less judgment in our lives. 

In the early days of blogging, I read somewhere that "We are all doing the best we can do".  It was so powerful to me at the time.  I was like "Shit!  Yes!".  It gave me permission to be gentle with myself.  It took some of the pressure off when it came to getting it all done, being the best at everything, knowing the answers to all the questions.  It gave me permission to just be myself, and do it as well as I could, and that would be enough. 

I loved scrolling through the pictures today on this facebook set.  It was like a balm to my mothering soul...to my human soul...whispering to me:: 

enough

enough

enough.

To infuse life with more love.  To be less quick to judge.  To be open to the way that others do things.  To step back and be less harsh when judging myself.  To be kind.  To be honest.  To be real.  To think before I speak.

I am so grateful for all these universal lessons that bring us all together.

#moms4moms