chillin'

diggin' out from the christmas aftermath. staying home for a couple of days. reorganizing. cleaning. sorting out my crazed mind. fighting off fevers today, chillin' with my gnomies. made a huge surprise new year's pre-eve dinner for the kids, who should be home shortly. cake from a box rocks when you can't pull it together to make something from scratch. anything covered in sprinklydinks is delicious, and nutritious, in my book.

big thanks to boo for drinking chocolate martinis and eating thai with me last night. i would only watch the simpsons movie with you, amigo.

tomorrow we'll be knee-deep in prime rib, red-skinned mashed, and most probably asleep by 9p! anyone want to eat veggies and dip with us? :)

this just about sums it up, yo.

joey's 2nd birthday and christmas 2007-
a crazy whirlwind for the past two weeks.
thanks for being part of the magic, peeps.

heav'nly

we are sipping hot chocolate with extra milk and cream
we are buried under piles of new things to play with
we are fighting off germs left and right, green boogers dripping everywhere and croupy coughs
we are watching season one of pee wee's playhouse
we are reading story after story
we are learning to knit, slowly, unsuccessfully, but proudly
we are learning about sharing, and having younger brothers play with your toys
we are taking sick days
we are together and overwhelmed

we will report back soon.

challenge

today, my dear friends, i challenge you to find love everywhere. even in the messy places...places like the pan of the expensive marinated chicken breasts that you cooked a little too long. even there, there is love.

off to embrace my family and my friends for a couple more days, and see the love shine. peace.

(and here's a mini shout out to karen june from simply june for her beautious package that i can't stop drooling over (need your email/snail mail)! and auntie emily! and jen! and sara and shaun! and a basket full of beautiful holiday cards! we are spoiled here in nina beanaland. thank you )

pee wee hermit

conversation with joey this morning at approximately 5am in front of the tv, watching mr. rogers-

"so joey, you seem to be diggin' this guy. do you know who he is? his name is mr. rogers."

"no mama. no. pee wee hermit. pee wee hermit."

"not even close baby. but nice try."



conversations like this make waking up at the butt crack of dawn just a bit sweeter.

words of wisdom on this snowy, snowy day

"you better believe i'm living for the moment, but the moment is the whole damn thing."
-ryan montbleau, 75 & sunny

favorite things

zap mama
flickr
insanely and inappropriately decorated sugar cookies
piles of felt
gray learning how to read
gifts sorted and ready to go
wers.org
stacks of mail in the mailbox
random acts of kindness
watching joey play with his new birthday loot
pizza at the beach with piles of frozen snow
gray calling used toilet paper rolls "eye eye captains"

these are a few of my favorite things

joseph anthony

dear joey,

you are TWO. like two as in two whole years old. i can't believe that it was two years ago that i was in the process of having you, and pushing your enormous head out of my body. and since you know how much i love you, you know that i mean this with the most love in my heart (for both you and your giant melon).

luckily you have uncle boo, who thought it was important to chronicle the happenings of the night you were born. i love to look back and remember that there was a time that you actually took up residence inside of me:

it's honestly a bit freaky.

now you are two whole years old, a bright and gentle soul who loves to snuggle and do "smoochables" with your mami. every morning you wake up and beg for snuggles. you love books, getting mail, taking care of babies, trucks, trains, and cars. you also have a soft spot for my little ponies and wearing girls' underwear. we made sure we got you some of your own for your big boy birthday, just so you have some options.

i'm so glad we had you. imagine we never had you? that would really have stunk really bad. because our lives are better because of you, and i'm not lying that every single time i look at you, i am happy that you are you. even when you are biting or snotty. i love every part of you.

happy birthday my little two-ie. xx

the bangles and a side order of poop

when i was young, the song hazy shade of winter by the bangles unfortunately got stuck in my little head on repeat, and it pretty much scarred me for life. i hardly knew any of the words, and the scary guitar opening just played over and over. i lost hours and hours of sleep every night from that damn guitar. and along with the song playing maniacally in my brain, there was a video (of my own making) playing on repeat. it involved lots of flames, and burning in hell.



the real video (which i didn't have the pleasure of seeing) is also sort of creepy.

my point? well, there's a new song in town that's ruining my life.

it's the poop song.

damn you, youtube and sarah silverman! and damn me for not thinking of this catchy little jingle first.



the part i love the most? the "you're a little flat". and the part i hate the most? that i've lost hours and hours of my precious life to this song looping over and over in my head.

letting go

yesterday was a lesson in letting go. letting go of expectations and letting go of perfection. good enough had to be ok enough for us yesterday. we made it through.

the crazy snowstorm put a wrench in joey's birthday plans, but it our little party was enough. joey was smiling, he felt special. the flakes swirled around outside and i kindly told people they should leave before it became too dangerous. we do, in fact, get together two times every week, so we will party again. joey's BFF was in the hospital, so our partners in crime weren't able to come. we worried about our baby girl, we worried about our daddy who had a five hour commute to drive 35 miles home to us .

dinner was burnt and dry. gray got kicked in the eye. i put on a grateful dead cd and pretended that i didn't stand at the sliding glass door from 2pm until 5:30pm when john came home. i kept thinking, just get him home safe. being stuck in a snowstorm is better than being in iraq so count your blessings nina beana.

sleep time was disjointed and interrupted last night. joey was scared and crying. the kids woke up at 4:30am this morning. gray lost her tv/movie privileges for today, which in effect is exactly like punishing myself. joey managed to eat a quarter of a tube of bubblegum toothpaste while i was outside cleaning off the cars. he projectile vomited bright blue bubblegum scented puke all over my van, with a side order of banana chunks.

life is not perfect or predictable. i have to let go of the expectations in order to embrace the sweetness of a bowl of m&m's waiting for me at the end of the day. i need to look past the puke to see the brightness of everything else. my family is safe. no amount of snow or shit or puke can get me down today.

birthday beat downs and a butt load of goldfish crackers

these kids have been keeping me b.u.s.y., hence the absence. little things like emails and phone calls to return seem overwhelming. i am knee-deep in pajamas, clean laundry waiting to be folded, homemade sugar cookie dough waiting to be rolled and cookie-cuttered, and approximately $234 worth of goldfish, puffs, and pirates booty for our little pre-snow joey celebration today.

you see, gray makes OUT when it comes to birthdays. may 21st is pretty much the best day ever to have a birthday at our house, because it's finally spring, and we can get outside, turn on the grill and have 80 of our closest peeps over to paaaaahty. but joey, not so much making out in the birthday department. december 15th is not the best time for a birthday- everyone is tired and holiday-ed out and overwhelmed and crunched for time. so last year was a crap shoot for joey, but he was too young to know or care.

but this year i'm determined to throw lots of money into diego snacks and juice box crack to make my two year old guy feel special. today we'll celebrate with some buddies, which will most likely result in blood, sweat, tears, and lots of cupcake and frosting being smashed into my newly washed bedsheets upstairs. and this weekend we'll gather to sing happy birthday, only to have joey scream "NO! BIRTHDAY! NO!".

there's just something about that song, all that attention, that he can't deal with. it's too much. the happy birthday song causes him to lash out in a two year old frenzy, hitting everything within hitting distance. as horrible as it is, i find it amusing, precious, and perfect. i'll be catching it on video later for your viewing pleasure. stay tuned.

xx

t'is the season for chopping locks

want to see the madness that is me staying up after my bedtime? i fly across the city in my minivan, blasting the music because i don't have any kids in the backseat. i have a delicious cocktail and then take a very sharp pair of scissors to a dear friend's head and start chopping. i pretend that i am a hairstylist, and hope that i sort of am by default because i do work in a salon, right? that's got to count for something? we laugh at hair, we laugh at hairy backs, we laugh at cat toys that look like sex toys. we act like silly girls, which is what we both need. we take pictures and laugh because the toilet is clogged. i get carried away and chop into my finger with a very sharp pair of scissors. i get carried away because the sound of the chopping is addictive and mesmerizing. we cut off all my friend's hair by channeling the spirit of the l word, and use pictures for reference. and at the end of the night, i get accosted in the street and get saved by my dear friend blowing her equivalent of a rape whistle- her plaid-pants-butt screaming and whistling for the man to leave me alone.

overall, a perfect night.

and if i do say so myself, it's a pretty hott haircut.

see all the fun goodness here.

new souls and old souls

with the rush and bustle of the impending holiday season, we've been ruminating on how many people get caught up in the to-do's, the what-to-buy's, and the do-this-do-that's. this weekend was the perfect lesson in letting go, of embracing time without any major plans, of taking it s.l.o.w. of thinking about the real reason for the season, which in our family is family, caring, and taking caramel. so we did just that- a little bit of homemade cheesecake with blueberry sauce made by johnny, a serious breakfast of biscuits and gravy, some crafting and wine drinking on the couch, snuggling under quilts, the occasional bash in the face by a sibling's fist, and driving around listening to christmas music, ruminating.

because that's what we do around here. we ruminate.

so as part of our plan to get to the real roots of the holiday season, a dear friend and i packed up our six little ones into our vans this morning and went to the local nursing home armed with bags of homemade (sort of) christmas cards and sun-catchers for each of the elderly peeps chillin' in their chairs. (i wish i could take credit for this amazing idea but it was all shannon...i would never have the balls to take six kids four and under into a quiet nursing home if it weren't for her!) the kids were great (except for that little incident with the nursing home christmas tree...the broken glass...oh, and the poop covered teddy bear- but that's another story for another day!) and the peeps seemed to genuinely love their cards and catchers. i pretty much felt like the biggest hippies ever busting into the activity room, babes on hips with our brood doling out the homemade goods. there were some serious smiles that made it all worth it- the eyes lighting up at the babies doing good. the good old souls admiring the good new souls. but it also made me realize that for some, growing old is not graceful, it is not peaceful, and it is not fun. the poor woman screaming at our kids "stop picking your nose! stop picking your nose...that is GROSS!". it would be easy to write her off as a grumpy old soul but she needed her sun-catcher too, even if it was covered in snots and baby drool and dried bran flakes. today made me remember my grandfathers (both gone now) and all my other loved ones who have spent time in rehabs and homes. the workers do the best that they can, and most of the time they do a good job. but a day is long in a nursing home, and hard.

so we sang silent night and rudolph.

what else can you do, really? we stood there with our little children and we said hello and we gave our treats and we sang. it was nothing, and it was everything.

momma zen- a review

have you read the book momma zen: walking the crooked path of motherhood by karen maezen miller yet? you should, i mean you really, really should. this book is like a little electric blanket that i take with me to bed every night. i plug it into my brain, into my soul, and the world seems a little lighter. karen maezen miller has that perfect talent with words- she writes simply, beautifully, but manages to pack a (peaceful) punch that leaves you breathless. and you find yourself thinking "huh? how does she do it? how does she crawl into my tired mama-brain and write about what i'm feeling so eloquently? this cannot be possible that someone is so in-tuned to what i'm feeling, except here i am, clutching this book under the covers at the end of a long day...and aaaaaah. i feel better already."

truth be told, i haven't finished reading this book yet. because i.don't.want.it.to.end. i treat myself to bits and pieces here and there as needed. it's like a little valerian root, this momma zen. a chance for me to recenter. a chance for me to remember that i am a piece of something much bigger than myself. that i am not alone in this.

as if this book didn't rock enough, there is a handy list in the back "for the hard days-where to look for help". if your day has sucked so bad that you need a direct-line to the section that will help you through your worst mama moments, you can go to the back, look under the topic of your choice, and be directed to the chapter you need. having some confidence issues? see chapters 4, 20, or 25. i love this book.

i have highlighted this book, because that is how crazy i am about it. i could get tattoos of some of karen's wisest words. like this quote, which i need to frame or something for my fridge:

"as babies grow into toddlers, the conflicts with mom erupt and spread. children have arms and legs and, later, words to fling at you, which they will: getting dressed, getting undressed, eating a meal, going to bed, getting in the car, getting out of the car, taking a bath, brushing teeth, and so on all day long until you both retreat, defeated, back into the night. the trick is to see the battles coming, avert them whenever possible, do what is necessary, and make peace. you can do it, you know, you're the mother, and you have infinite capacities."

the last sentence rings on and on in my ears and in my heart.

there are also some amazing quotes about fatigue which i will use for some of my doula clients and new moms. i would quote them here but this book is SO worth going out and searching for yourself. it is a treat, and a gift. and now it's in paperback! so you have no excuse, dear mama. no excuse.


you can check out more about karen here. it's pretty much like a daily-dose-of-exactly-what-you-need-to-hear (that's my scientific opinion).

and you can order a signed copy of her book momma zen for yourself, for your momma, or for any momma on your holiday shopping list here.

happy weekend and happy reading!

gray is whacked

i was going to write a big long deep post today about how we all have our hangups and problems, but i just can't muster up the energy to do so. so instead i leave you with this video of my dear sweet child, who loves to wear a bikini in the snow, and who wears cat-eye glasses all on her own (without me asking her to) and does the slow and dirty hula in front of the wiggles christmas special.

gray is quite special herself, if you ask me.

hold up wait a minute

breathe in
breathe out
hold on to the little things
the moments in between the kids
biting each other and taking each other's toys away
the moment when you first
lay your head down on your pillow
and snuggle under the blankets
and open your book
only to read a page or two
before you fall blissfully asleep
at 8:15pm
the moment when the kids
and their friends
are playing on their own
making up their own games
modeling healthy behaviors
the moment when you have your third cup
of coffee in the morning
and hit your stride
hold on to the peaceful moments
spent at the dining room table
in the sun
gluing all your vintage buttons
onto a raggedy piece of cardboard
to make the most beautiful
christmas wreath you have ever seen
the moment when
you open your eyes
in the morning
and there hasn't been any fighting yet
and it's too soon to feel your cramps
and everything is perfect.

snow day

ho ho howdy!

i feel like i've been away for a long winter's nap. it's been a busy couple of days and i'm loving it. i'm loving every part of having christmas plans and obligations. every part, that is, except being away from johnny and the kids for a large part of the weekend.

i've eaten more bad (bad meaning really good) food since thursday. i went out to eat thursday night, friday afternoon, saturday night, and then sunday night. since i don't go out to eat very often this was a decadent and delicious weekend, where i could pound back a couple of drinks and drown all my worries in cream sauce. it was exactly what i needed, but after a breakfast of pizza and some of steph's cookies this morning, my jeans hate my guts. is it bad when you have to tuck your tummy into your waistband?

i don't care too much though because the cream sauce was worth it! and i have leftovers in the fridge calling "lunch is near! don't forget about us for lunch!".

today is a snow day, but we headed out early this morning to hang with our peeps. i was motivated because john had already gone out and shoveled and schlepped the snow off my car. now gray is quietly drinking hot chocolate and dipping christmas cookies, so i'll take a moment when i can get one.

there have been concerts and dinners and presents and parties. lunch dates and art projects and butt prints. yes...butt prints. because really, what can you give when flowers and candy just don't convey what you have to say to someone? clearly, the answer is...you paint your kid's bum with that new glittery paint laying around, and then you make fanny prints! nothing says "you rock" better than a little fanny action.



hope your day is filled with tim allen and macaulay culkin's finest moments. xx