laundry, dishes, pumping, repeat

lately, it seems like i'm hunkering down...resistant to head out of the house unless it's for a quick errand or two, or some quiet time at the coffee shop.  friends have been stopping in here and there, mostly every day, but i haven't ventured out to them much.  it's cold.  actually, it's freezing.  the pull of my home is so strong right now, so strong i sometimes wonder if i'm getting smothered by it.  sometimes i can't get out of my own way, and feel crushed by all the "stuff" there is to get done....loads and loads of laundry ("mom!  i have NO PANTS!"), a sink full of dishes and a whole bunch of crusty pans covering the stove top from last night's dinner, and then there is the pull of the pump.  every two and a half or three hours, i sit down at my spot on the couch and pull up my shirt and make lots and lots of milk for two precious babies. babies that aren't mine.  kind of a crazy trippy idea, but also a constant reminder of how we are all connected on this web of life.

shit never completely gets done.  even after folding three huge loads of laundry this morning, i was loading up the washer with more dirty clothes.  they will probably sit wet in there for too long and have to be washed again.  and as soon as i emptied the clean dishes out of the dishwasher, i loaded it up with all the nasty ones from the sink and the stove.  this is my practice.  finding peace in the chaos that is my life.  there is no "finished".  the kids will always need lunch tomorrow morning.  i will need to make them dinner when they get off the bus.  they will always need to eat.  i will always have to go to the grocery store.  pretty soon it will be time to pump the milk again.  repeat.

the challenge is finding the beauty in the repetition.  the challenge is breathing out peace even when i want to crawl into bed or run away to somewhere tropical and take a little vacation from life.  there is an amazing amount of beauty to be found in the boring, the predictable, the endless piles of laundry.  it is there...i just need to see it.  today i'm struggling with finding that beauty, so these words are for me.

feeling slow and easy

 

As you can probably see from the above pictures, January has been slow and easy.  I'm taking some time to heal my body, and taking the gentle approach to plunging into the new year.  Most days I spend some time on my new chaise lounge, reading through Marie Lu's 'Legend' series.  I've been getting very good use out of my new electric tea kettle.  There has been lots of Rusty snuggling time.  The kids are loving their new tablets, and are happiest just piled on top of me.  On the weekends, I keep asking them if they want to go out, but they all just want to stay home and read and snuggle.  Totally fine by me.

 

Today the beef stew is simmering on the stove, and I've spent the morning listening to Lulu and her friend play happily together in the other room.  I peek in occasionally, offering popcorn or a drink, and suggest how much Halloween candy would be a good idea to eat.  The day seems easy...almost too easy.  And I'm trying not to feel guilty about it, and just let the slowness take over and become the norm.  The biggest thing on my agenda for this afternoon is getting the brownies into the oven, and taking them out in time so the middles are gooey, just like I like them. 

 

Totally, totally, fine by me. 

fresh...2014

So 2014 has arrived, and with it, many wonderful changes!  For starters, I gave birth to the double rainbows unexpectedly on Christmas Day.  Santa still came here at the Gilbert household, but mama had to miss the day and go under the knife!  When it was all said and done, two beautiful and perfect babies entered the world and were delivered Christmas morning, straight into the arms of their excited parents!  Lots of things didn't play out as we had imagined, but it was truly a lesson in letting go, and trusting that the universe would provide.  And provide it did!  I wasn't able to see my doctor for the c-section, but I absolutely loved the doctor that provided my care.  I felt supported and cared for.  My anesthesiologist was a little buzzing bee of caring in my ear when I needed it.  The nurses and staff throughout my hospital stay were totally amazing...like sitting on my bed chatting with me for hours amazing.  Not to mention the double rainbows' parents----I felt like I was part of a team.  I couldn't have asked for more amazing people to work alongside with.  It was an incredible experience.

Now I can touch my toes!  And I can walk up the stairs without feeling like I've just run a marathon.  And I'm already over 20 pounds lighter!  I feel better and better every day.  There were a couple of hurdles to overcome post-delivery (a couple of infections, etc) but every day that passes brings with it renewed energy.  The c-section was way easier to recover from than I had originally thought.  I'm looking forward to healing even more, juicing, green eating, and getting back into shape when the spring rolls around.  For now, I'm OK with lounging around, doing the best I can, pumping, and eating brownies.

The recent snowstorm has gifted me with some extra days with the kids, and some extra time to recover and stay close to home.  I feel like it was divine intervention.  I'm looking forward to Monday, when we can all get back into a routine.  There are only so many puzzles, cups of tea, and rolls of cookie dough you can bake up before everyone needs a break from each other ;)  I'm enjoying the rhythm of pumping for the babies...every three hours, nature is nudging me to sit down and take a load off, and create some liquid gold.  It's forcing me to really be conscious of my self care----nutrition, hydration, and supplements!  It's all about making sure I have enough for myself, for two additional babies, and enough left over to take care of my own three children!  That's a huge self-care lesson right there.  I'm sure it will be a work-in-progress with many bumps in the road, but I'm working on it.  I've got lots of awesome team members holding me up and making sure I stay on track.

Thank you to everyone who supported me through my surrogacy journey.  Who listened when I needed to debrief.  Who dropped off food, who watched my kids, who drove them to school, who texted, who called, who checked in, who sent gifts, who showered me with love and affection.  Who believed in me.  I couldn't have journeyed through this last year and a half without the support of all the wonderful people in my life.  And while my journey in some ways is ending, I have learned so much about myself that I feel like in a lot of ways, it is just begining.  How fitting that it is a new year.  There is so much possibility.  Thank you...thank you...thank you.  xo