chocolate chip drag queens

my my my, it's certainly been a strange couple of weeks. it's funny how you can be going along in these ho-hum doldrums of winter and then POW things get all shook up. my days now include breathing machines and medicines and tubes and a big whiny clinging little man who's traumatized. and follow-ups and doctor consults and such. joey is doing much, much better but his oxygen levels are mysteriously and frustratingly low. we go back tomorrow for yet another appointment to access the situation. here's hoping that his o2 is high and his lungs are filled with healing energy.

my mother-in-law angelonearth, unfortunately, has been in the hospital since joey got home. she has pnemonia (which i have a terrible time spelling, evidently). so it's been more hospital time for our family, even though our bean is home. big batches of homemade chocolate chip cookies to be delivered. gray dressed up as a "healing fairy" (aka tinkerbell) on saturday and surprised nana in the hospital despite the huge sign that forbade her to (oops). when nana's in need, there's no law we won't break to deliver the goods (cookies and hugs).

this weekend was filled with the best sorts of things- movie date nights with gelato (pistachio and canoli shell) and coffees, and tacos, and trips to the beach for hot steaming slices of pizza, and family snuggle attack time in the van (we must have looked like complete freaks), and then black bean pie and wine fest, and then a party and catching up with old friends, and then some drag queens and cross-dressing, and self portraits and pictures of loved ones, and then a trip into the big city (two times in one weekend) to watch uncle booboo dressed in drag jump into the ocean for a fundraiser, followed by roast beef sandwiches with extra sauce, followed by an extra helping of anthony kiedis's trainwreck of a life and gatorade and then some grammy action.

so despite the craziness and sickness and sadness, there are lots of diamonds in the rough.

thursday thank yous

let me just update you and say that we are home. joey seems to be doing better but i'm a bit skeptical about being out of the woods. we are home, but are we home for good? i feel so untrusting of my little man's lungs. i hope he's strong enough to get through the next couple of days. but let me tell you...he's a happy guy. i've never seen him so happy to be home...running from toy to toy, cradling his books, and tickling his big sister. and jumping off the couches. we'll be lucky if we don't end up back at the hospital for some broken bones.

on with the thanks!:

*thank you to my dear head nurse angel-on-earth jeanne who put up with my unbrushed teeth and ridonkulous intake of coffee and my son who was not really into (understatement of the year) being restrained on a hourly basis for various medical procedures. it's angels like this that make me want to get into nursing...the calm and patient and unjaded and connected souls that bring hope to me. she even personally called me to tell me that i left my handmade (and most favoritest) quilt at the hospital, instead of chucking it in the garbage.

*thank you to my bloggie friends and family for all your well wishes. i'm not kidding you when i tell you that when i was at my breaking point at the hospital i called john who was at home with grace at had him log on to the computer and read me your messages. each and every one of them brought tears to my eyes and made me so thankful to have such a supportive and encouraging tribe surrounding me in my darkest hours. each email was a vitamin that i swallowed down, chased it with a comment or two. seriously. i can't thank you enough.

*thank you to my husband who gets up in the middle of the night and turns on the hideous breathing machine and gives my son treatments so i can stay in bed (awake and scared, but still in bed)

*thank you to my strong and brave daughter who never faltered over the past couple of days even though i'm sure she was scared out of her tree (nerves have a funny way of presenting themselves...like at 1am this morning when she had the poop shoot riots all over her bed and her jammies- my poor girl). she's been taking caramel with serious doses of lobey-therapy...she had three days without hanging on to the lobes, so there's lots to make up for.

*thank you to my friends and family who drop in with soft teddies and bottles of water and big steamy plates of food and buffalo chicken calzones and bottles of wine and take my daughter to school and pick her up and keep calling me and leaving messages and go to the pharmacy and pick up prescriptions.

*thank you respiratory therapists of the world.

*thank you to roommates in the hospital that make the best of bad situations and find common ground even though it's not immediately obvious what that ground is. thank you for putting up with all my visitors who not only want to love on my sick child, but also yours, because their hearts are so big. thank you for watching american idol and house with me, even though it was a scary respiratory episode, and our kids were hooked up to machines. thank you for offering to get me treats, even though i was cracked out on tylenol pm and did i mention i wasn't up to par on brushing my teeth?

*thank you lysol for your super germ killing abilities. i may have doubted you in the past, but i've basked in your glory over the past 24 hours. i feel like it's ok to embrace lysol as long as i'm simultaneously embracing the powers of nag champa.

*thank you joey for feeling better. your spirit and strength and old-soulishness amaze me.

tears for fears

i've said it before, and i'll say it again: i'm not a big crier.

with that being said, let me just tell you that i've been crying like a baby for the last 24 hours. a bit dramatic, yes, but my sweet baby boy is in the hospital, hence me being MIA. i just ran home to brush my teeth, take a quick shower, and see my girl home from school (haven't seen her in 24 hours either).

what, you ask, is wrong? well, all i know is that the boy was feeling a bit pooey over the weekend, so i took him into the doctors yesterday morning. and then he was immediately admitted into the hospital and that's where i've been living ever since, watching my boy get stuck and shoved and prodded and woken and living in a metal cage (uuuh, crib). i've been trying to channel the strength of darlene and all of the other parents that have had to go through much more horrible experiences watching their children suffer. joey has RSV, a respiratory infection that isn't a big deal for adults or people with stronger immune systems, but this virus has taken hold of his little body. he can't really breathe without oxygen, and he needs a IV with steroids and other goodies to keep him going. it's funny how fast your world can change- last night while i was semi-sleeping in a chair with my head resting up against the metal bars...i couldn't help but cry for all the parents with severely or terminally ill children.

this broke my heart...but i couldn't help but take a picture of the pathetic-ness:

(joey in a baby wheelchair with oxygen pre-IV going down for chest x-rays that we still haven't gotten the results of yet 24 hours later)

so that's where i'll be for the next couple of days at least- living at the hospital. the people are nice, and my friends and family rock. (although i do think there should be some sort of rule that you shouldn't have to have roommates if you are in the pediatric ward...it's been the crying wars all night with two babies who are on different schedules- a complete nightmare if you ask me). if i don't get back to your calls or messages, it's because i'm there trying to contain a wanting-to-walk 13 month old in a tiny bed, hoping he doesn't rip his little IV out of his hand. pooh.

thank you in advance (and not-in-advance for some of you) for all your well-wishes. you rock!



i miss this happy baby (taken at our favorite hippie restaurant last weekend)

i will be accepting large donations of love and support at your convenience.

photobooth friday- the today show

taken in the movie theater lobby about an hour or two ago- this just sums it all up lately...joey fighting and screaming and itching for independence, and gray all snuggly and non-personal-space-ish and sweet as pie. and me all blissed out and in another world, just trying to get through the day.

the brand-spankin'-new frye boots i just bought for a mere $36 didn't hurt, either. but of course, the preoccupied lady at the store left the security tag on, so i had to truck back later in the day with the maniacs in tow for her to desecurify them.

anywho, i've been tagged by the wonderous and inspiring knittingmama, so i offer you my five weird things:

1. i'm a head-banger. not like 'awesome hair bands of the eighties' head-banger, but more like those marginal cases of children you hear about banging the crap out of their heads head-banger. i was supposed to grow out of it (by the time i was six months, evidently) but here i am, twenty eight years later, still banging my head. i stopped banging my head on my headboard for a couple years during my pregnancies, but just started doing it again a couple of weeks ago and i.love.it. why the hell did i ever stop? one of those things that you can't really believe or understand until you see it. and then you just think i'm weird.

2. anchovies are my favorite food. my dad and i eat them straight out of the can.

3. i went through this phase when i spelt my name with a y. everything's cooler with a y, right? looking back i realize it was totally toolbaggish, but part of me still thinks back on the old nyna fondly. i wasn't afraid to use it in school, either.

4. i hate cleaning. if your lucky, before you come over i'll run a (hopefully not used) baby wipe over the tv and call it a day. i let my kids eat off the floor. it is what it is.

5. i used to have this thing for peeing on the street, right through my clothes. when i was a teenager. for laughs. especially on hot days. then i would get the hose and spray the crap out of myself. all my friends would be inside the house, upstairs in the big picture window. i'm not sure how it ever started, but sometimes i wonder the memories some people have of me. like "oh nyna, she was always good for a laugh with the peeing on the street thing."

hope you all have weekends filled with bucketloads of steaming street pee! xoxo

the bright spots

(gray's self portrait of her feet on mine- one of the fifty in the series)

update: still no baby...water not broken...we're all waiting with baited breath and sending mama all the good vibes that we can! thank you for all your kind comments and support, making my journey even sweeter than it already is.


this week has been borderline overwhelming, but it's weeks like this that make me appreciate everything and everyone that i have holding me up. if i were to give shout-outs to all those people, this post would take forever and never end. so i offer you some of the brightest spots:

*singing the abc's to joey while he sits in the high chair outside of the shower, and peeking out from behind the curtain, watching the smile spread across his face

*sitting at the dinner table last night, watching the faces of my family and my friends eating food and talking and drinking and laughing and eating endless biscuits. i'm a big fan of biscuits.

*watching grace put on her new (new to us- love hand-me-downs) outfit for school this morning, and then walking into her classroom all shy and don't-you-just-love-my-bedazzled-jean-dress look on her face. me fighting the urge to cringe at the pink jewels.

*hugs in the kitchen, secret debriefing

*exploring new hospitals and watching mamas laboring in waiting rooms

*diet gingseng green tea saving my life

*endless cups of hot green tea

*seeing gray and c. snuggling on the couch

*news of a dearest friend expecting a baby

*library storytime mamas and their babes and their patience with my baby who tries to conquer the world

*the "big city" (aka boston's) skyline at dusk

*fleece hats that hide my unwashed hairs

*big bags on m&m's

*large amounts of cheese

*hub getting two deals in a day

*watching the shorties rollplay

*not getting upset about making a big hole in the knee of my favorite (read: only) pair of jeans because i know it got there by going round on my hands and knees, chasing joey around the dining room table (read: only table)

i hope your days are filled with the brightest of spots, even when things don't turned out as planned. happy thursday.

doula journey

me with doula bean#1

bags are packed...massage oils are ready...water has broken...soon off to the hospital with mama#2! very excited to support a dear friend today during birth- and wanted to send a quick thank you to everyone for the last-minute kid watching, the party cancelling understanding, and the endless support you've given me on my journey to become a doula. i feel like it's my birthday and i'm about to open the most incredible gift.

i heart my life.

magically delicious mama time

i've been a missing spirit in bloggie land...not by choice so much as my kids have been absolutely insane and busy eating my soul all waking hours of the day. especially joey. he's at that special age that i like to call "birth control."

can i just say how much i love my mama time? how much hanging out and chatting with other mamas feeds me and keeps me energized and refreshed? this past week has involved some much needed mama time, filled with conversations and spills (figuratively and literally) and endless cups of tea and coffee. even my peeps who aren't mamas still feel my mama-time soul- even when the toys are all over the place and joey is climbing on the couch about to jump off the arm of it and gracie has dropped the handle to the toilet inside the toilet and someone is eating crumbs off the floor- with all the frenetic energy, i still try to manage to find solace in the fact that this is what life is all about. the frenetic energy. and then the tide of quiet that rolls in when the house goes to sleep. and i sit and have a glass of wine and close my eyes.

thank you to s. and your beans for feeding my soul today! as gray and i reiterated many times before you left, you are welcome here anytime!

this afternoon is going to be filled with my beans and two twin beans- more kid-related chaos up in my hood! anyone want to come over and play?

this weekend was magically delicious: filled with steak tips and fresh green beans and crossword puzzles and a dozen donuts and road trips and my favorite restaurant and morrocan beef stew and steamy falafel sandwiches and salty salty french fries and checking off to-do's and libraries and harmonicas and dance parties and candles and endless supplies of tea lights and meatloaves (the plural of meatloaf, anyone? because you know i just had to make two), and prebriefing and debriefing and goldfish crackers and watching gracie grow up before our eyes and a new salad spinner.

these are the things that feed me. i happen to be adamantly in favor of flavor.

humpalicious

i heart earth mothery days when everything seems to be aligned and i have an endless supply of patience and i actually fold laundry and do the food shopping and take the kids to the library for playgroup and don't freak out when joey bites my arm off and it's wednesday and the meal is ready to be prepped and the dessert is in the freezer waiting to be eaten and my bathroom is dirty but i don't care and i've got on a big sari-like scarf that i wrap my kids heads in because it's so cold and the house fills up with the smell of nag champa and gray is busy on the floor sorting through photobooth strips and i breastfeed in public and not give a damn what anyone thinks and the milk explodes in the grocery bag and drips all over the house but who cares, because i'm an earth mama today and my legs can go unshaved and i can have seasame seeds in my teeth, but i've got a stack of strawberry shortcake valentines day cards to do with my girl and lots of milk to produce for my guy, and some serious lovin' to do.

quotes from grace this morning in bed:

"mama, you're a whale. you go to work and you massage dolphins."

and

"mama, i see your fanny. i wanna go scuberdiving in there."

and then yesterday's quote of the day:

"mama, i'm picking my boogers. they are WICKED delicious. seriously. go ahead. try some. try some mama, you'll LOVE them."

singin' in the snow

another resolution: sing more, sing loud, especially in the car, especially with the kids

more self portraiters, go here.

things i'm loving on, or 'what i did for the past four days':

candles in the bathroom, quiches with spinach and fresh onions, coffee and visits and presents and hanging with my girl and my two favorite twin shorties, working, buffalo chicken calzone with blue cheese dip, massaging nice people and imagining healing their bodies with my hands, banging in the car, listening to live jazz music, making coffee ring circles in my journal, writing secret messages back in forth in a loud and uncrowded room, making stacks of used creamers and sugar packets, endlessly taking pictures of minutiae, finishing up things on my lists, simultaneously procrastinating, sugar-crusted blueberry muffins, knitting like a madwoman and messing up all my projects because i hate math and measuring, finishing the best book i've read in a long time ('the birth house' by ami mckay), treating myself and hub to regina spektor's new album and ayun halliday's 'dirty sugar cookies', listening to my family play our new harmonica, making a huge batch of spicy chili and then watching joey eat it like it was the best thing on earth, seeing tab at her book reading for kids and taking gracie on a girl date with tingy, reading tab's new unreleased books and using the new bookmark that she crafted (thanks! i love it!), my red fuzzy blanket, deep forest music bringing me back to good times, cherry wheat sam adams (amanda, i SO went out and bought some last night after i read your post and it's the best thing that ever happened to me after 7pm! thanks for the deeeelicious suggestion!), people taking caramel, smelling the newest bean mary jane today and holding her close and remembering her birth, being enveloped by shorties, shorties all around, reading 'alice in wonderland' and wondering about all the drug references, stacks of books to be read and piles of yarn to be knit and bottles of glue to be stuck and valentines to be written and love all around in the biggest of ways.

gingerbreasts

in our house, even the gingerbread cookies are anatomically correct. and they breastfeed.

baking helper girl in the anatomically-correct-gingerbread sweatshop

and just because the kit (thank you shaun and sara!) came with these cinnamon hearts, we had to put them to good use.

i hope my kids don't turn out wrecked. happy monday. here's to a new week!

photobooth friday: obsession evidence

photobooth friday obsession: exhibit A- layers upon layers of photobooth strips on my inspiration board. what's a mama to do with all of them? mount them in a journal or keep them displayed? you should see my fridge. my obsession is out of control.

also...gray is always good for classic inappropriate quotes. and messing around with fairy tales and stories. and making them dirty. my favorite of the week so far...

"georgie porgie
sat on a pie
and birds came out
and flew up his fannycooloo." 1/10/07


happy weekend you beautiful souls.

life is hell, and good

today is just one of those days. it really has the potential to be something fantastic and shiny and wonderful (read: postbedtime and postdrinkies) but right now it's just stuck in that afternoon purgatory time before the fun begins. today was a comedy of errors- and while i was laughing in the begining of it all, right now i just want the night to begin, and this crazy day to end.

basically, to make a really long and painful story short, my car broke down in subzero weather, and i had to run around looking for power steering fluid. luckily my brother was with me and waited in the car and called all the appropriate people for help- but he was also in the car with my two screaming-bloody-murder children which made said phonecalls quite difficult. i was bumming because a couple of weeks ago i spent $500 getting my whole steering column fixed, and here i am, stuck in demoulas' parking lot (which grace proceeded to same 8,000 times...demoulas, demoulas, demoulas- say it...it's a strange word) with the SAME problem. wheel not moving. snotty kids crying. mamas eyes watering out of her head after running two miles in the burning cold to target to buy all this fluid that subsequently came pouring out of the car onto the parking lot.

can i just say that i love my brother? and my dad? and using their AAA? and through it all, the kids really were rockstars. because it was cold today. and again, my mechanic (i just think it would be hysterical is jimmy read this but there's no chance in hell). who fixed my car when it was towed to him for ten dollars. my bill was freakin' ten dollars!

wait, my life is good. i can't complain. ten dollars!

through it all i made just to transport the delicious car-full of groceries and drinkies from one car to the other, making sure they arrived safely at my home for tonight. i have my priorities.

my final thoughts: grace has a serious obsession with KT Tunstall. and the song "suddenly i see". she was on ellen today, and grace had to watch. and she knows all the words and sings along (thanks for the cd auntie s!). is it bad that i allow to her say 'hell' because it's in the song? she is only three. i explained that 'hell' is a bad word, but she's allowed to say it as long as she's singing KT Tunstall. talk about high concept.

a weekend of food and fullness

this weekend was filled with the best sorts of things: pajamas and slippers, mapley appley bacon, cinnamon swirled french toast made on electric griddles, watching a kids' movie and reading stacks and stacks of books that i grew up with, library book sales where i got a big brown paper bag full of children's books and records for $1, fresh city salad bar and those delicious free cinnamon and sugared pita chips, homemade (by the husband) corn chowder and ginger butternut squash soup, cranking up the heat and not leaving the house for two days, date nights with thumbelina for gelato and uncomfortable borders moments, big salads with cranberries and blue cheese and fresh greens and boo-homemade maple balsamic dressing, listening to musicals and classical music on record, lots of reading of adult books (that sounds dirty- by adult, i mean bookclubbish books...you know, russian history and all that jazz), making anatomically correct gingerbread cookies and then practicing letting-go while watching gray drizzle frosting like a madwoman, and then watching her eat a half-full container of red sugary sprinkles, nursing joey like it's going out of style, football games on the tv downstairs while i work on the computer upstairs, getting my ducks in a row, working on two normal and needing clients this weekend, dreams of tingy's eggplant parm, a new love of nutella (in gelato form), wearing hats to hide my bad hair, lots of massages for sore muscles, reconnecting with my husband, taking vitamins, putting joey to bed last night at 5:15pm, watching parts of 'back to the future' and laughing, blankets, earlobes, no spaces between 'them' and 'me'

photoboothISH friday

happy happy friday...finally finally here.

i got this little guy at an outdoor antique fair this past summer, and since then he's been hanging on my inspiration board at eye level above my computer. he greets me in the morning with my coffee and bids me adieu at night before bed. i want to eat his little face. i imagine his mama creating his little smockish shirt for him and tucking each photo of her son into the tiny folded cards featuring fireplaces. he has messy bedhead and his family loves him anyway. his life was his own and it was bright in its own way.

pictures like these remind me of how all our experiences are universal, and how we are all connected. times have changed, but there is something about this little boy that makes my heart simulataneously break and swell for the power of being human. i think about things like this when i read your posts, and when i read the comments to those posts. even though some of us are strangers in real life, there is something about our shared experiences that draw us to each other and form bonds that may have not otherwise formed. it's powerful to me. if i could hang you all up on my inspiration board, i would.

like i said before, happy friday. don't forget your two cent stamp.

and check out (if you haven't already) a very 'ish' book, a children's (and adults!) book called ish by peter h. reynolds. it will rock your world.

grateful thursday stream of conciousness

(femiknit's hands and stencils and scissors...all the good things)

colorful rings, salt and pepper shakers filled with glitter, pages of journals filled with children's drawings, watching my daughter run off to her friends when i drop her off to school, surprise presents of my favorite stella artois, preparing a package for a special someone, styling my little ponies' hair all day long, watching my family and friends interact while i sit back and relax, ebay items being bid up to ridonkulous amounts, sitting down for a bit of bloggie inspiration, taking the day off from work because of "emergency dental work", and stealing that phrase from last night's episode of top chef, even though i thoroughly made fun of it at the time, prepping, karen dalton's "in my own time" (get it now, it's incredible!), ben harper, planning dates for the weekend, boo having the day off tomorrow, making a meal to send to my mother-in-law for her dinner tonight just because i felt like taking caramel, eating garlic bread for breakfast even though i have a 2pm dental appointment and they are probably going to die when they smell the combo of four cups of coffee and leftover garlic powder emanating from my insides, green kitchen's comment on my 'overdue post' post about how she got to witness a birth and it was on her life list (go check it out, it made my life!), feminknit's post and subway picture of me with coffee (surprise surprise) and our freezer paper stencil adventures, new sheets on our beds, dancing to aunties jo&lib's dance mix at top volume, mr. wendell (i freakin' love that song, still), wearing a hat today and not taking a shower and not caring, recycling more, swiss cheese and canned soup and stuffing and rice and chicken and garlic bread and NO vegetables and not caring, homemade ice cream pies- my new signature non-recipe that i'm bringing everywhere so be ready, the book 'the birth house' by ami mckay that is causing me to loose sleep at night, listening to my radio show in the morning, reframing situations when i feel angry toward people, living a commune-like life, watching people snuggle in blankets on my couches, grace eating my earlobes even though it drives me crazy, joey starting to hug and snuggle and be daring and exploratory (you know, like eating safety pins behind my back), cleaning the mold out of the shower, stretching, superman with joey and having him drool on my face and shirt, my inspiration board and plans to reorganize it, grace's drawing of john with a little thing coming out of his eye and she says "oh, that's daddy's ipod" and we don't have ipods so i have no idea how she even knows that words and is able to use it abstractly

happy thursday. almost the weekend peeps.

quiet gratitude

this deeeelicious bracelet was gifted and crafted for me by my cousin vinnie (tee hee...always gets a laugh!)...THANK YOU! xoxo

you know how it goes...i get all in my head and overwhelmed and overstimulated and creative and simultaneously stopped in my tracks. my inbox gets full, my dishes get dirty, there are loads of laundry to be folded. to do lists to do. but i'm immobilized. i was that mom today...the one with two screaming kids tearing at her body in public places, with my shopping cart rolling across the parking lots, and someone kindly yelling "your carriage! your carriage is rolling away!" and i drop a kid or two and run across the parking lot like a wild woman, in my high heeled boots and too-tight sweater. i'm that mom today. what are you?

in honor of my mood, i'm going to take a couple of quiet moments and reflect on all the good around me:

*the smell of gray and joey's heads when i take them out of the bath. it doesn't last long but it's the best smell in the world.
*stacks of books and articles and knowledge waiting to enter my head.
*oreo cookie crusts and two half gallons of ice cream waiting to be scooped inside.
*karen dalton's music waiting to be listened to.
*the yarn from acumama that i want to drape across my body and wear as an outfit. you made my life! thank you.
*kind emails pouring in from everyone...i WILL get back to you, i promise.
*amy's dream about me being a gymnast. i'm not kidding you amy, we had watched horrible gymnastics videos of me the night before you sent me that email...and even though i haven't gotten back to you yet, your email freaked me out in the best way possible. and solidified the fact that we were in fact separated at birth.
*upcoming vacations with jen's family.
*taking men's vitamins because it makes me feel all genderbendy.
*getting magazines at the library.
*smiling at the bagging boy at the grocery store.
*piles and piles of homemade sushi, and femiknit for teaching us.
*red fleecy blankets.
*listening to people's secrets.

happy wednesday. i'll be sure to have a drink for you tonight.

self portrait challenge: resolutions in five parts

1. eat more organic foods- and use my grateful dead cookbook more, just because it makes me laugh. "just throw some veggies in, man...like whatever."

2. drink more. not a typo. drink more.

3. use what i have. hence the rice pilaf snowman. (not organic, i know. bad snowman!)

4. have more fun.

5. take care of more people. including myself. massage more. listen more. heal.

other portraiters: go here.

an overdue post

these past couple of days have been the most amazing kind of whirlwind ever...leaving me spent and exhausted and high and feeling like i needed a bit of cyberspace break. thursday night after bookgroup, (when two of my most favorite peeps pulled me through a very angry and pissy mood), i settled into bed with next month's book (russian history, oh my!). some greater power told me to crack-up on caffiene earlier in the day, so i was wired and feeling expectant. then i got the call from my first doula-in-training mama! she was having contractions two minutes apart...and 'get to the hospital!' by 10:30p i was there, with crumpled hair and hastily-brushed-teeth.

and then i saw a baby being born. at 11:18p.

honestly, i still feel like i can't even write about it. there are no words that can put everything right with the experience.

there was no fear in the room. or embarrassment. or negativity. it was just mamapower and baby and magic. and laughter. and the baby's wet seal-head crowning and then the cry. and then the tears and celebration and pictures and quiet. and the first nursing and the sleepy sighs. i've never felt more inspired. and connected. and empath-ish. and days later i'm left feeling kind of...empty. tired. cut-off. needing my own head-time. it's very strange.

i know not all births aren't like this. i know that there's fear and mistakes and bad-headspaces and all that. and that's what makes being a doula all that much more important for me.

now it's solidified...this is what i'm meant to do. witnessing birth is funny like that....i never really knew how i was going to handle it until i actually did it. and up until thursday, i hadn't had that chance. and now i have. and now i know. i never wanted to leave that room. if i could be a part of birth every day for the rest of my life i would.

i heart baby mj. i heart that i was one of the first people on this planet to see her sweet head and hear her sweet song. i heart her parents. i heart birth and blood and naked baby toes. i heart all the beauty and all the pain of the world.

so please, bear with me. i'm very up and down, working through some stuff. as jess (and jonathan safran foer) would say, i've got the best case of "heavy boots" possible. walk with me. sit down. let me offer you a piece of homemade banana bread with brown sugar crumble. we'll take off our heavy boots together.

why i'm blessed thursday

*i've got a nice little bag of m's allergen-free trail mix sitting on the table in front of me. and it's got cranberries and chocolate chips and the most deliciously sweet magical oats in the world. john's convinced that she should package and market it. i want to stick my head in the baggie and munch away.

*sex talks with friends. talks about deep stuff even though 'extra!' is playing on the tv. friends that bring over bottles of wine and bags of peanut butter filled m&m's. getting equally excited about both. big cheesy black bean pies in the over, and warm slices of homemade hippie banana bread with brown sugar crumble. pottery bowls of vanilla pudding and apple crispy cake for dessert. being old and going to be early. pink champagne. my friends that get just as excited/embarrassed for me when we're watching my old home videos.

*finally going to the dentist. the last time i went was when gray was in-utero! i'm punished. i have extremely bad receeding gums and these crazy dentists just want to do weird gum-grafting surgery on my exposed nerves. dentists make me scared. 'make dentist appt for n&g' has been on my to-do list literally for two years. i faithfully recopy it on to all my new lists. and it makes me feel bad ever day that goes by that i don't call. so i finally found a dentist (random pick) and made an appt. and went. i was scared how gray would do, but i did some major prepping (thanks 'dora goes to the dentist'!) and she was a complete rockstar. not to brag, but they literally said that they've never seen a three-year-old wee one act some freakin' cool. and then it was my turn. and it was fine (slightly painful but i had to be brave for my girl!). and of course, i have to go back in a couple of weeks for about 11 bondings over my exposed nerves, which basically involves them drilling over the roots and filling them like cavities, all in the name of making me more comfortable in the long run! eeks. and the hygenist was all talkative while she was in my mouth, and like "you SO a type A personality, all this gum stuff is your fault because you equate brushing HARDER with being CLEANER." she was all over me. i'm so not a type A but when i "uh uh" disagreed with her with my mouth open and drooling, she misunderstood and thought it was more like a "you're so right sister" and so now she thinks i'm totally a type A.

anywho.
at least it's off my list.

*i heart groceries. but seriously, i cannot step into the store without spending at least $182. it seems that's my magical grocery number. maybe i should've bought a lottery ticket.

anywho.
at least we've got meals for weeks. hopefully there's some healthy ones in there, but i doubt it.

*bookclub tonight. i heart bookclub. i really do. i love the bad coffee and bad treats, and tonight is my special night to provide beverages! (jess, don't forget the snacks!) i heart green iced tea.

*the above picture is pum holding his favorite truck. i've got to get this on video- but if you say to him..."go get your truck and bring it to daddy"...he goes, gets the truck, goes over to john, hands it to him, then leans over john's leg and waits for his truck-rub. john drives the truck up and down pum's back like a little hand-held massager. pum's face is filled with joy and complete release. it's my favorite thing in the whole world to watch.

note to self: get that on video!

a new year

a new year. i love taking down the tree and putting away all the decorations and sweeping the floor. i love the feeling of starting over with a clean slate. of detoxifying from all that sugar and fat of the holidays that start in october. the cleansing power of water (and coffee). of rearranging and rethinking and reframing (the theme of this past weekend). i love how it feels to be on the cusp of a year so wonderful i can't even manage to put it down on paper and make words rise up around it.

this year will be filled with:

*witnessing three beautiful babies being born into the world
*completion of my doula training, and finally becoming a certified doula
*watching my own children grow, change, and challenge
*eating vegetables and making a commitment to being more mindful about what we put into our bodies (we're not giving up dessert, though, no way)
*lots of snuggling
*massage, massage, and more massage. building a business.
*keeping up with wellness appointments
*reframing when necessary
*the gathering of friends, loved ones, and lost souls at our home
*more crafting, forward-thinking, clean living
*recycling
*honoring our feelings
*relying on others for help
*debriefing, celebrations, living every day like it's a party.

happy 2007. watch out...here we come.