a little piece of my heart

I've been attending Squam in one form or another since its inception in 2008.  Every year I attend with an open mind, try to learn more about myself, break open in a hundred ways, feel seen, and then come home.  And when I come home, I slip back into my life and leave that feeling back at Squam with a "until next year" attitude. When people at home ask me how my time was, I say "It was good," just like my kids do when they get home from school (which drives me crazy, and I always say "GOOD TELLS ME NOTHING!").  It's hard to translate to someone outside of Squam what the magic feels like there.  So it's just easier to leave it there and move on.

This year felt different.  I attended in a helping capacity, but also had a lot of time for fun.  I jumped in the lake alone on a chilly morning.  I took long, hot showers.  I ate way too much food that I didn't have to make myself, or clean up afterward.  I worked on some beautiful individuals, giving massages after my bedtime.  I tried to make eye contact.  I showed up.  I sat at a sewing machine and made things.  I let people help me when I needed help.  I took a lot of photos with my big-girl camera.  I pushed outside of my comfort zone and mingled with lots of people I didn't know.  It pushed the limits of my introverted ways, but it felt good.  Day after day, I felt open to whatever Squam had to offer me this year.  It felt transformative, and I felt the most relaxed I've felt in a long time.

And you know what?...I still do.  I feel different.  It's like I brought a little piece of it back with me, and it's there in my heart, shining through.  

The challenge lies in how to carry this blissed out feeling into my day to day grind.  I wish I could bottle up the goodness, the connection, and that in the moment feeling that I feel when I'm there.  Here are some of my favorite snaps from my time there.  

Moving forward with deep breaths, and the deepest kind of satisfaction that comes with circling with fierce, kick-ass women.

calling out for help, and offering it

It's no secret that with my husband's schedule, I'm left to do the majority of the kid-juggling solo.  Which isn't to say that I'm left to single parent----because it's anything but.  He works his ass off so I can primarily stay home with the kids and do the juggling that I love to do, and I am grateful for that every single day.  And I have plenty of friends who are single parents...it's a whole different ball game.  With that being said, when John's away, for large portions of the week and handful of overnights, I am here, holding down the fort. 

As the kids get older, it's getting trickier in some ways to manage everyone's schedules.  Today was the first day of school, and I now have three kids at three different schools.  Throw in a bunch of extracurricular activities and an upcoming long hockey season on a team in a town twenty minutes away, and a job in a city the next state over, I'm left spread thin sometimes.  The reason why I'm writing about this is because I was talking with a couple of different friends today about this.  And here's the deal...

We all need help.

And when we accept help, it opens up this awesome energy, causing us to offer help more.  An energy that transcends keeping score and just feels good.  And to be completely honest, I used to really suck at not only accepting help, but offering it too. I was happy (or unhappy) to just do it all myself, and just manage my little circle of people.  Living in this new (although it's been three years!) community has taught me so many beautiful lessons about friendship and the power of leaning on others.  Nothing makes me happier than looking in my rearview mirror and seeing six smiling faces (three kids who aren't mind, just hitching a ride).  I love that kids can come and hang out here while their mom's get shit done.  And I love that I have a bunch of people in my local tribe who I can call on when things get hectic and I need to get stuff of my own done.  I love that I can call my neighbor if I need a favor.  Sometimes she just takes my kids and paints their nails.  I love that she can call me if she needs me, too.  I feel so happy that I was able to get over myself, and burst that bubble of "I can do it all myself."  Because really, I can't.  And you can't either. 

This town has blessed me with an ever-expanding group of people who I call friends.  One of them is picking up my child now as I write these words.  Their numbers are saved in my daughter's cell phone, and she knows she can call them and they will come to her if I can't be there.  This is just a small piece of my self-care regimen.  Asking for help.  And it's an important lesson for the kids, too----it takes a village.  We all need people that we can call on to make our lives easier.  Even if that means sitting down across a table together over tea (or wine) and just listening.  It makes life so much easier. 

Ask for help.  Offer it.  It's a beautiful thing. 

The Liebster

I was nominated for The Liebster Award by my friend and mentor Claire, who blogs at Shifting My Perspective.  Her blog incredibly insightful, and I have the pleasure of circling with her (at least) once a month for over the past year.  I'm honored to accept the award, and to spread the love of blogging!  I am always looking for new and inspiring blogs to click on, and this is a great way to be exposed to new friends.  The award is simple---it's a fun and easy way to spread the love of blogs who have between 200-2000 followers.  At the end, I nominate some bloggers to participate, too!

Here are the rules for receiving this award:: 

1. Each person must post 11 things about themselves
2. Answer the questions from the person who nominated you and create 11 new questions for those you nominate
3. Nominate 5-11 of your favorite bloggers and link them in your post
4. Go to their page and tell them
5. Thank and link back to the person’s blog who nominated you

 

11 Things about myself::

 

1.  I vacillate between being hyper-social and really introverted.  I love being with people, hosting here at my house, going to events and meeting new people, but I also really love when everyone goes home and I put my comforter over my head and read a book alone for hours.

 

2.  Even though I'm a dirty hippie at heart, I really need to take a shower every.single.day.

 

3.  I have control issues with my hair. I rarely wear it down, and almost always wear a head-wrap.  Not many people see me with my hair down. Sometimes when I'm at the beach, I leave it down, even though it drives me crazy and makes me feel out of control.

 

4.  We try to live very simply.  But it can be challenging living in such a wealthy, keeping-up-with-The-Jonses town.  Trust me, I don't want to keep up...but the pressure is there.

 

5.  I spent part of the summer on the softball field, part of the summer at the hockey rink, and the other part on the beach.

 

6.  I learned a hard lesson about NOT wearing flip flops to my son's hockey lessons...a hard lesson that involved dropping a sharpened skate on my naked big toe.

 

7.  I have a minor obsession with essential oils.

 

8.  And nachos.

 

9.  And I like cheap wine.

 

10.  I recently got certified in Reiki and I'm looking for guinea pigs to practice on.

 

11.  I am about to get off the computer soon, go make a bunch of homemade roasted salsa, and then take my youngest to her practice bus ride for her first day of Kindergarten tomorrow. 

................

 

Now to answer Claire's questions...

 

1.  Who was your favorite teacher and why?

My favorite teacher was my first grade teacher, Mrs. Fitzgerald.  I was a highly sensitive kid with some major anxiety issues (and also with an odd habit of head banging), and she treated me with sensitivity and kindness, and never gave up on me.  And I won her Hello Kitty coloring contest.  So yeah, awesome.

 

2.  Who are the five famous people (dead or alive) that you would invite to a dinner party?

I would definitely have the chef Jamie Oliver, Georgia O'Keeffe, the singer Jeff Buckley, Bob Marley, and the author Barbara Kingsolver. 

 

 

3.  What's one quirky thing about you that most people don't know about?

I still suck my thumb and sleep with my doll from when I was little.

 

4.  What would your "perfect day" entail? 

My perfect day involves fresh juice, tea, a family gathering on the beach, fried seafood, cold wine, cool sheets, incense, candles, a walk through the woods.

 

5.  Where's the place that brings you the most peace and why?

I can't decide between the woods or the beach.  The best part of living in New England is that I have both of these places right at my fingertips!

 

6.  What are your three most valuable possessions and why?

My photo albums, because I have a terrible memory and these help me hold on to all the best times.  My kitchen island, the ultimate gathering spot.  My house, because it keeps my family safe and warm.

 

7.  How would your friends describe you?

My friends say that I smell like Whole Foods.  I think they would say that I am a good balance between relaxed and insane, kindness and real-talk.

 

8.  What's one New Year's Resolution that you never seem to fulfill?

Exercising every day.  Or once a week.  Or ever.

 

9.  What's your favorite movie and why?

I've always loved the movie Labyrinth.  I'm not a movie person AT ALL, and this is one of the few movies that I've seen multiple times.  I love David Bowie, I have an eternal crush on Jennifer Connolly, and, well, creepy puppets.

 

10.  What are three items from your "bucket list"?

I'd love to travel to Iceland (again...but actually leave the airport this time).  I want to do some volunteer work overseas.  And I'd love to see my grandchildren be born, grandmama-doula style.

 

11.  What was your childhood dream for yourself?

I wanted to be a crossing guard.  It was seriously my only life goal.

 

Now for my nominees!  I would like to nominate Stacy at 19 Butternut, Corinne at Corinne Noel Cunningham, Mindy at Mindy Tsonas, and Emily at The Kindergartener in Me, and Jen at Live for Today. 

 

My 11 questions for you are as follows::

1.  What is the best scary decision you ever made?

2.  What is something you are doing now in your life that you never thought you'd be doing?

3.  What is your absolute favorite dinner?

4.  What draws you to blogging?  How long have you been blogging for?

5.  What are three adjectives that describe you best?

6.  What symbol represents you?

7.  What thing grosses you out the most?

8.  What's your favorite way to unwind?

9.  What's your favorite restaurant?

10.  What's your biggest accomplishment?

11.  What is your spirit animal?

 

 

So 11 things about yourself, answers to the 11 questions, 11 of your own new questions, and then some more nominees!  Thank you in advance for playing along!

the birth of a new day

The beginning part of August for me was really difficult emotionally.  I am still trying to gain insight on what the heck happened, but I'm guessing that it was hormone-related, coupled with a bit of family upset, and let me tell you...it was not.pretty.  Not pretty at all!  I pride myself on being someone who's even-keeled---predictable, stable, happy.  And for about two weeks after we got back from vacation, I was an emotional wreck.  I cried.  I pouted.  I didn't do many of the things that made me happy.  Is there a such thing as post-vacation depression?  Because if there was, I certainly had it.  I was going through the motions of being a happy person, but I really didn't like myself one bit on the inside.  I kept calling my friend and leaving her voicemail updates that said "I STILL can't stand myself."  I was no fun to be around.  I was poop.

I was a piece of poop.

But the awesome news is...now I see the LIGHT!  I finally got to leave my friend a voicemail that said something like "I finally like myself again!"  The tides have turned, and now I feel like doing all the things I love again---circling with friends and family, having people over to eat, siting around debriefing, crafting, going on walks and adventures, and sticking my toes in the sand at the beach. And I'm still not quite sure what was going on.  I'm just happy to be on the other side of it, especially with the first signs of fall presenting themselves.  I've got my sweatshirt and knee-high boots ready to party!

Do you ever get stuck in a funk?  And what do you do to pull yourself out of it?

life, unplugged

This summer, I've been mostly unplugged and without a working computer.  When we went on a week-long vacation, I tried my best to put the phone away and disconnect from Facebook and Instagram, the two biggest time-sucks in my life.   I plugged in to my friends, and I plugged into my family.  I pulled up chair, I ripped open bags of chips, and uncorked bottles of wine.  I took deep breaths.  I did the best I could not to lose my patience, and to plug in to the reality around me.  Sometimes it was hard, and it was uncomfortable.  There were times I grabbed for my phone to fill up random minutes of downtime.  But at the end of it all, I realized that when I put the phone away, and when the laptop was gone at the shop getting fixed up...life was better.  Life was there to live.  My kids were happier.  There was less fighting.  I did less hiding behind the screen.  I caught up with my some of my closest friends, toe to toe on the beach.  I served up bowls of ice cream with the people that I normally catch up with online here and there.  I put on my bathing suit and jumped in the waves with friends who live over 300 miles away.  We talked.  We connected.  It was like the best sort of Christmas present, right smack middle of the summer.  It was just what I needed. 

The challenge now lies in carrying this over into the fall, into the rest of my life.  Finding a balance between staying connected online and staying connected in real life.  If anyone has any answers, please enlighten me!

beach blessings

I am so lucky to have friends that create beautiful, meaningful escapes that keep my well filled. Such a perfect way to celebrate the summer solstice...and recharge my spirit!  Summer...bring it on!

a post about being naked and happy

Ever since my recent post about feeling good, regardless, I've received so many heartfelt emails and comments from friends near and far, sharing their thoughts about their own bodies and their relationship to them.  Thank you, to each and every one of you, who took the time to share these pieces of yourself with me.  Thank you for your honesty.  Clearly loving our bodies is something that the majority of us struggle with on a daily basis.  It seems that we all really *want* to love ourselves, right where we're at.  Easier said than done.  It's a battlefield out there.

I have skinny, flat-chested friends who wish they had curves and bigger boobs.

I have curvy, voluptuous friends who wish they had B-cup breasts and washboard stomachs.

It seems like most of us are looking to the other side of the fence, admiring the green grass, not recognizing the beauty and spendor in our own backyards.

So here's the deal.  I'm trying this new thing.  And it involves walking around naked a lot.  Showing a little more skin during the day.  I'm guilty of hiding behind loose, flowy hippie clothes because it makes me feel safer.   But when I'm naked my body is there, real, tangible.  And it is what it is.  And I'm learning to realize that today, right now, it's just as it should be.

I'm going to stop making excuses for my body.  I'm going to stop shaming it, covering it, and feeling like I'm just waiting for it to be smaller, tighter, leaner.  I'm going to love it now, as it is, in its most vulnerable and exposed state.  I'm going to stop wishing my boobs were smaller, that I could run longer, that I didn't eat those cupcakes for breakfast.  Because it's OK.  Right now.  Today.


*I wish all these things for you, too.  You are beautiful.  Just as you are.*

It takes a village, people.

These past couple of months, I've learned some incredible lessons.  Lessons about accepting help from others.  About asking for help.  About the kindness of friends, and of people in my community.  About letting go, about not feeling bad when people take care of me or my kids.  About the importance of paying it forward.  About releasing control.  About listening. And about the importance of car pooling (my biggest lifesaver lately).

I am blown away, and humbled, by how people in this community have rallied around me and lifted me up.  So many caring people have shown me what the expression "it takes a village" means.  It can be as simple as a handwritten card in the mail.  A meal made and dropped off on the doorstep.  Driving my children to and from school.  A call.  A text.  A surprise gift certificate.   A prayer. 

Between recovering from the c-section, and struggling with a very infected tailbone, and an impeding surgery scheduled for this Friday, I feel like I've been doing a lot of "accepting" of help.  It's been hard, and awesome.  My natural instinct is to say no, to forge on, to keep routine.  But I was talking to one of my friend's the other day, who is one of my greatest teachers, and she wisely explained that people want to help.  It makes them feel good, she said.  You would do the same thing for a friend in need, she said.  Pay it forward.

I've been struggling to sleep, thinking about my surgery.  My first time "going under".  My first intubation.  The control freak in me is scared to let go, and trust in the process.  Every night I wake up at around 2pm and worry.  I toss and turn.  I'm letting my fear control my thoughts.  But after my talk with my friend, I'm trying to refocus.  I'm trying to fully accept all the love, help, and concern being poured on me and my family.  I'm trying to thank God for the friendships that sustain me.  And instead of feeling bad, I am looking forward to the time when I can do for others in their time of need. 

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

feeling good, regardless

So this post is a hard one to write.

I was having one of those mornings when I was feeling really good.  Well, what I like to call "really good, regardless".  Truth is, I've been battling the flu for almost two weeks, and then Gray got it at the begining of the week, missed three days of school, and topped it off with an incredible case of pink eye.  Oh, and John was away for a large chunk of all of this (he also had the flu, too).  So despite feeling like a completely overtired, cranky, unappreciated piece of shit, I guess I was feeling pretty good, regardless.

While I've been fighting off all these germs, I've also been eating better.  I kind of had this epiphany that it was time to make some major changes with my relationship with food.  I broke up with processed flours, and in the process of letting them go, I let go of ten pounds.  Not easy, but not super hard either, when coupled with the flu that killed all my taste buds.

As much as I hate to get caught up in the numbers on the scale, I know what I weighed when I started IVF with the twins,  and I was pretty OK with it.  I was curious if I would ever be able to "get back to that number".  I wasn't sure if I'd be able to.  I wasn't even sure if I would ever be able to muster up the energy to ever WANT to get back to it.  Maybe last month, I made a goal that I wanted to get down to 158 lbs, and jokingly said that if I did, I would buy myself my big girl's camera (you know, jokingly but dead seriously).   A big fancy expensive camera carrot dangling on a string.  I never thought I'd get that carrot.  But finally, I reached the goal.  And then I reached my pretwin weight.  And now I'm officially one pound less then a year ago, when I was just embarking on the surrogacy journey.  154 lbs.

Just like all these women, who also weigh 154 lbs.

Why am I writing about weight, and sharing it with the internet?  Because I have a lot of girlfriends, and I find that absolutely none of them talk about weight and most of them are too afraid or sad or scared to talk about their relationship to their bodies.  There is so much shame and embarrassment about it.  Some women might be horrified to admit that they weight 150-something pounds.  I feel no shame about it anymore.  I feel perfectly fine in my skin, happy to be where I am.  And you know what, if I weighed 250 lbs, I would hope that I would find a way to either embrace it or change it, but that I had people in my life that I could talk to about it in an honest and open way.

...And then something like this happens...

As I was sitting in the car this morning with Lulu, waiting for school drop off, she looked over at me and said "Hey Mom, you know you still kind of look pregnant.  Look down at your stomach, see?"  She didn't say it to be mean.  She was just stating a fact.  And you know what?  I looked down, and my stomach really truly did look a little pregnant.  But the reality is that five babies have grown in my uterus, and my core strength is shit.  I can let my stomach muscles hang out and seriously look like 6 months pregnant.  Then I can suck it back in and look non-pregnant.  But I still feel pretty damn good, regardless.  For now.

Deep breaths.  So the challenge for me lies in feeling good where I'm at, even when innocent comments can challenge me and threaten to bring me down.


I still haven't bought that camera yet...I better get on that.  I want to get out there and start documenting the beauty that this spring promises!

tripping the light fantastic...except the exact opposite of that

 

John and I had a fantastic date night this past Friday, sneaking into the city to snuggle the double rainbows, and then off to see Mike Gordon from Phish at the House of Blues.  It was nice to get away, and run around the city trying to get to all the places we had to be, but it made us realize how old we feel!  Watching all these young kids tripping out to the music was making me so nervous and motherly...I kept wondering how these poor souls were going to get home safely.  The people watching at the Mike Gordon show was incredible though...people in their own drugged up little worlds dancing like nobody was watching.  We were SO sober.  But it was still awesome.  And the music?...I die.

(note to self...next time you go to a concert and need to have a full body search to get in, make sure you empty your purse of all the rocks, tinctures, salves, various herbs, oils, and remedies...I just get saying to the girl that was searching me "I know this stuff looks totally suspicious, but it's really just harmless hippie stuff, I swear!). 

(another note to self...when you want to go out for sushi after a concert, and your ears are already ringing...don't let the waitress sit you next to the rowdy table of people drinking five scorpion bowls.  It literally took me three days to get my hearing back from all the screaming!)

 

I've always wanted to go to the House of Blues, so I was happy to finally experience it!  So glad that I have a partner in crime that indulges all my bucket list requests, even if includes watching people on acid spinning around in their own universes.

In other news, we celebrated John's Nana Cupcakes' 91st birthday this weekend.  And let me tell you...she is a total inspiration.  She is joyful and so young at heart.  I hope I'm going to concerts and living it up when I am her age!  Cheers to seizing every moment.

*seeing the light*

Lately I've been thinking a lot about light.  About the lack of it lately, and the return of it soon.  This morning the light was streaming through my kitchen window, and I just sank to the floor and let it shine all over my face. The kids looked at me like I was a little crazy.  But that's how thirsty I am for the sun.

The past weeks have been taken up with some doctor's appoitments concerning my bum, and then lots of self care.  I need to have surgery in May.  It's not a huge deal, really.  I keep telling myself it's not cancer, so I shouldn't complain.  But I do have to be put under general anesthesia, a first for me.  And I have to be intubated, which is a huge fear of mine.  Really, it is the essence of letting go.  Being under the complete control of someone else.  There will be lots of stitches, and pain, and a long road of healing, due to the nature of the surgery and the area of the incision.  It won't be fun.  But it's one of those things that has to be done.

Maybe with this surgery will come room for more light.  Out with the old, with what doesn't serve me anymore, and in with the new.  It's interesting that during my whole life on this planet, all 35 years, I have never had surgery, never even really had to take any medication, never really got sick.  And now all of a sudden, in the course of a few short months, I will have had two surgeries, one of the front of my body and one on the back.  A bisection of sorts.  There's got to be some meaning here.

I'm currently studying Reiki and I'm loving every minute of it.  I love learning about the chakras and how to balance them.  Maybe my message lies in my sacral and root chakras.  I love learning about light and how to use energy to heal the ones I love.  We are also learning about self Reiki (there are lots of awesome videos on youtube).  I try to put aside some time every day to practice Reiki on myself, and send loving energy to all my parts that are broken, misaligned, and in need of some extra care.

As May approaches, I will picture myself bathed in light.  Safe.  Held.  I think at this point, we could all use a little warmth and light that the promise of Spring holds.

pain in the a$$

So I've been dealing with this thing...this thing of a very private nature.  And it involves my ass.  More specifically, it involves a cyst on my tailbone.  And this cyst on my tailbone is my teacher right now.  And it's a royal pain in my ass.

Not only is it forcing me to slow down, but it's forcing me to be acutely aware of my body and it's needs.  For those of you out there who know me...I'm not a big fan of going to the doctor's.  I'm one of those people that will ignore something for as long as possible until it (hopefully) resolves itself rather than go to the doctor and nip it in the bud.  I don't even really know who my PCP is.  I just don't go.  And I'm usually pretty successful treating things homeopathically.  Or with essential oils.  Which is what I've been doing with this cyst (this cyst that I've had since I was a little kiddo)----using helichrysum oil and sometimes Thieves.  Let me tell you...if you haven't experienced the magical qualities of a good helichrysum oil (I've yet to figure out how to appropriately pronounce this), then go explore!  It's insanely powerful.  One drop goes a long way.

Let me tell you something though...essential oils helped.  For a long time.  But ever since I started IVF, this cyst has been acting up.  And getting bigger.  Bigger than essential oils and some good mojo could fix.  And then once I gave birth and was laying in the hospital bed recuperating from the c-section, it reached epic proportions of painfulness.  I just remember laying there, and the nurses would come in to check on me, asking "How do you feel?" and  I would say "Great, except..." and then proceed to tell them all about my tailbone.  They look confused.  Didn't you just have your abdomen cut open?  And you're complaining about your tailbone?  I found that I was saying yes to the pain medication, not for the incision pain, but for the pain in my ass.

Yesterday I almost cried I was in so much pain.  I can't sit.  I can't walk.  I certainly can't exercise.  And as saintly as Johnny is, he is certainly tired of hearing me talk about my butt.

So my lesson?  I need help.  Doctor's aren't bad.  I need to be open...to someone looking inside my bum.  It won't be pleasant.  I've heard some pretty terrible stories about the recovery from the surgery.   Which is part of the reason why I've put this off for so long.  Luckily I have some good friends who gave me the smackdown yesterday and pretty much forced me to call the doctor and make a consult.  One even offered to pack my wound for me (now that's friendship!).   Lulu is going to be my bum-doula this afternoon when we go in for my first appointment.

I've got this.  Deep breaths.

love more...judge less

Love more...judge less.

A beautiful idea, huh?  So simple, yet so profound.  And SO easier said than done.

My friend Jenn Ford alerted me about how today, 3/4, is a day dedicated to promoting judgment free motherhood.  Read more about it here on this awesome blog, Connecticut Working Moms.  I think it's an amazing idea.  And it transcends motherhood.  We could all use more love, and less judgment in our lives. 

In the early days of blogging, I read somewhere that "We are all doing the best we can do".  It was so powerful to me at the time.  I was like "Shit!  Yes!".  It gave me permission to be gentle with myself.  It took some of the pressure off when it came to getting it all done, being the best at everything, knowing the answers to all the questions.  It gave me permission to just be myself, and do it as well as I could, and that would be enough. 

I loved scrolling through the pictures today on this facebook set.  It was like a balm to my mothering soul...to my human soul...whispering to me:: 

enough

enough

enough.

To infuse life with more love.  To be less quick to judge.  To be open to the way that others do things.  To step back and be less harsh when judging myself.  To be kind.  To be honest.  To be real.  To think before I speak.

I am so grateful for all these universal lessons that bring us all together.

#moms4moms

.deep breaths.

This was me yesterday, face hovering over the diffuser, soaking in the goodness of every drop of Valor essential oil blend.  I needed it.  The kids are off for the week for school vacation, and I needed a little dose of bravery to get through the rough spots of our day.  We have been so busy, running back and forth to softball camp and going in and out of the city a couple of times.  There have been playdates and sleepovers and other commitments all jammed in to a few days.  Our schedules are off...we've been staying up late.  Lateness makes for very irritable children...children who wish out loud that they had another mom.  Truth be told, everyone's been a little grumpy.  Real talk...sometimes I need to lock myself in the bathroom and turn to the powers of essential oils to get me through.

Lately, I find that even the kids have been getting into the oils.  Ever since I hung them in an printer's box on our bathroom wall, the kids turn to them for injuries and ailments.  I overheard Gray explaining the benefits of oils to her eleven year old friend the other day.  She let her pick some out to put in the diffuser, and then they disappeared with it into Gray's room.  It was a proud mama moment.   Lulu goes off to school every day with various combos of oils on...I let her pick and choose her own (probably much to her teachers' dismay). Even Johnny is subjected to a random spritz of oils now and then.  It's our go-to for destressing...the little kids get a spray of oils before bed every night, and we call it "sleepy spray".  Even Rusty the dog trots around smelling like patchouli.

Pinterest is a great place for info/recipes using essential oils.  I could kill a couple of hours surfing around and pinning different ideas.  There are also a whole bunch of incredible blogs focused on the healing powers of essential oils.  I'm part of a few incredible Facebook groups that inspire me and show me how powerful oils can be.

Do you use them in your daily life?  What are you favorite ways to incorporate them into your day?

(If you don't have a diffuser, I highly suggest you invest in one!  It's one of the best things I bought for our family this year.  If you have questions about where to get one, message me directly and I will steer you in the right direction!)

alone mom

The flip-side of being "fun mom" is "alone mom".  Both are important to me, and one necessitates the other.  I've always been one that needs lots of alone time (or away-from-the-kids, but with other adults time).  Lots of me time, away from the kids and doing my own thing.  I kind of have an obsession with filling my own well, in order to be a better mom.  This week has been one of those weeks where, thanks to Johnny's schedule, I've gotten to sneak out quite a bit.

A couple of nights ago, I picked up my Boo and we went out for the best Indian food my face has ever tasted.  Like for real, we demolished the food and I was kind of licking the plate.  No lie.  No shame.  And then we went to a UU church for a gathering called "Earth Vespers" and we sat around in the near dark listening to poems, practically begging the spirits to send us Spring, fast please.  It was very earthy crunchy and I ate that shit up, too.  As we were calling on spirit animals, I sat there thinking to myself, "Aaaah, this is the life.  Now I can go home and take care of my little animals."  I felt myself filling up.  Like a battery recharge.

I also got to hang with lots of friends this week, and made a quilt, and some prayer flags, and then hosted my book group.  A whole plate full of stuff that fills me up.  And as I sit here now, I am sitting in a coffee shop a couple of towns over that I just found...and I couldn't be happier.  Give me my ginormous headphones, an iced decaf Americano, and my little corner of the coffee shop, and I am a happy mama.

The kids will be off for school vacation this coming week.  Which is awesome, really.  I am seriously looking forward to it.  Right now, they are with my mom for an overnight, and I am going to soak up every minute of alone time, looking at it as a big mama-battery recharge before the long week ahead.  I am going on a real date with my husband tonight!  I'm wearing a skirt and everything.  When I go pick them up tomorrow, I will be ready for the week ahead, ready to spearhead all our adventures!  (fingers crossed)  And if that fails, you can find me in my bed, under the covers, with my headphones on!

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fun mom

Somewhere along the line, between the move from MA to NH a couple of years back, and the twin pregnancy, I lost a little bit of my fun.  I didn't know it was happening...I just kind of slowed down and started taking a spectator role when the kids were playing.  They were older, and they needed me less.  And frankly, I was tired. I was tired from being a grownup.  I found myself reserving my energy for the adultish stuff I had to do----like cook dinner, do the laundry, and pick up after five people and a dog.  Oh yeah, and growing some human beings.  I pretty much stopped having fun and switched gears to serious business mode.

Like I said, I didn't even realize this was happening.  Until last week.  Maybe it's because I have more energy, or maybe something subconsciously just clicked, but I realized that I have the need and desire to be silly.  To have fun.  To play with my kids.  To tickle the crap out of them in my bed until we are all drenched in tears.  Maybe I realized they are all growing up, and these moments are so fleeting.  And I want to make the most of them all.

It started small.  We went to the museum.  I played with them.  We went out and bought sleds and then we came home and I went sledding with them instead of watching from the window.  They were all shocked.  Gray called out "Mom, you are so FUN!  What's happening?".  Later that week, on Valentine's Day, while we were waiting for John to come home from work, we all drew big huge red hearts on each other's butts and then mooned him when we walked in.  We've been playing games at night instead of watching TV.  I sit myself on the floor and play Lego's and blocks and Barbies.  We are reading out loud more.  We built a fort under the dining room table.  Little things, but big things to them.

For the first time in a while, I'm actually looking forward to school vacation on Friday.  I'm looking forward to just being with the kids, and being myself.  I feel like the old me is emerging, and I love it.

sanctuary?...

I find that as the kids get older, my need to find sanctuary gets greater and greater.  Their energies rub off on me, and if they are fighting or feeling especially cranky, I want to crawl out of my skin.  And as much as I love our house, we joke that it's the smallest house in our town filled with mansions.  When we first moved in after moving from our 900 square foot first house, it really did feel like a mansion to us, but now, with three growing kids (one who can be a very moody tween), it can feel really, really small.  We are lucky to have every square inch...but we do fill them all up, especially when we are cooped up because of these freezing temps outside.

John's been travelling on the weekends lately, and sometimes it feels like a physical challenge just getting through the two days without him.  This past weekend was particularly difficult because the kids were just...kids.  I felt like nothing was enough...no amount of playdates, or special treats, or trips to the museum and lunch dates was enough.  At the tail end of it all, I retreated into my sanctuary...my bedroom...and shut the door.  I closed the curtains and covered myself with my blankets and shut the door.  I let them fight downstairs.  I didn't yell down to tell them to stop.  I didn't tell the dog to stop barking.  I just let my body rest.  I took deep breaths.  I rubbed my temples. I shut out the frenetic energy.  I took two (really, almost three) hours to myself.  I let them discipline and manage themselves (I have the luxury of doing this because they are older...I trust they won't hurt themselves).  The best part of it all was that when I reemerged, it was like I hit the reset button.  The kids treated me better.  They had stopped fighting.  We had an awesome night.  It was kind of magic.

It was perfect permission to do that more often.

For Christmas, right before I gave birth, John brough home a big comfy chaise lounge for my sanctuary.  We call it the "kitty kat lounge".  The day after he brought it home, I decided to relax on it for a little bit before the Christmas Eve festivities began.  I sprawled out on it for the first time, read a couple of pages on my kindle, and immediately began hemmoraging.  So how's that for sanctuary?  I had to rush off the kitty kat lounge right to the hospital.  Best laid plans... :)   Sometimes sanctuary peace just doesn't play out exactly as planned.  And now the kids have claimed the kitty kat lounge for themselves...or pile on top of me whilie I'm reading on it.

John and I joke about our bedroom being our "sanctuary"----we've been calling it this for years and for the most part, it is.  But sometimes, when we are all piled in our bed, screaming, tickling, crying, with the dog barking and jumping on us too, it's quite the opposite of a sanctuary.  It is chaos personified.  It is craziness bubbling up.  And when we reach our limit, we say "Get out of our sanctuary!  This is supposed to be peaceful!"...and the kids laugh in our faces and stay exactly where they are.  Right in the middle of our peace.

Most of the time, we wouldn't have it any other way.

body love

I would be lying to you if I said that I wasn't nervous about what would happen after I gave birth to the twins.  There was a couple of little demons that would poke their ugly heads up sometimes in my brain, making me wonder if I could handle the postpartum feeling of being fat and frumpy with no cute babies to hide behind.  Lots of people wouldn't know I had just given birth...and would they wonder if I was still pregnant?  Because let's be honest...after a woman gives birth...she looks...well, pregnant.

Surprisingly, when people ask me how I feel, I reply "amazing" and I'm not lying.  I feel freaking amazing.  I don't care about any of that crazy shit anymore.  I read a quote the other day on instagram (via Full Moon Mothering) that really spoke to me::

"There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetically herself; comfortable in her perfect imperfection.  To me, that is the true essence of beauty."  -Steve Maraboli

When I read this, it hit me like a ton of bricks::  I'm done with it.  Done with worrying about how I look, how big my stomach appears, the scars, what other people are thinking.  I'm done.  I'm going to embrace me exactly where I'm at right now.  I love where I'm at.  I feel strong.  I feel alive and grateful that my body is a body that has given birth to five children.  We eat good food and love each other and are active and that is enough.  I am happy, right now.  

And let me tell you this...it's so freeing.  It's so freeing to be done with it....the comparisons, the worries.  Something about this quote broke me, and I'm so thankful for it.

laundry, dishes, pumping, repeat

lately, it seems like i'm hunkering down...resistant to head out of the house unless it's for a quick errand or two, or some quiet time at the coffee shop.  friends have been stopping in here and there, mostly every day, but i haven't ventured out to them much.  it's cold.  actually, it's freezing.  the pull of my home is so strong right now, so strong i sometimes wonder if i'm getting smothered by it.  sometimes i can't get out of my own way, and feel crushed by all the "stuff" there is to get done....loads and loads of laundry ("mom!  i have NO PANTS!"), a sink full of dishes and a whole bunch of crusty pans covering the stove top from last night's dinner, and then there is the pull of the pump.  every two and a half or three hours, i sit down at my spot on the couch and pull up my shirt and make lots and lots of milk for two precious babies. babies that aren't mine.  kind of a crazy trippy idea, but also a constant reminder of how we are all connected on this web of life.

shit never completely gets done.  even after folding three huge loads of laundry this morning, i was loading up the washer with more dirty clothes.  they will probably sit wet in there for too long and have to be washed again.  and as soon as i emptied the clean dishes out of the dishwasher, i loaded it up with all the nasty ones from the sink and the stove.  this is my practice.  finding peace in the chaos that is my life.  there is no "finished".  the kids will always need lunch tomorrow morning.  i will need to make them dinner when they get off the bus.  they will always need to eat.  i will always have to go to the grocery store.  pretty soon it will be time to pump the milk again.  repeat.

the challenge is finding the beauty in the repetition.  the challenge is breathing out peace even when i want to crawl into bed or run away to somewhere tropical and take a little vacation from life.  there is an amazing amount of beauty to be found in the boring, the predictable, the endless piles of laundry.  it is there...i just need to see it.  today i'm struggling with finding that beauty, so these words are for me.

feeling slow and easy

 

As you can probably see from the above pictures, January has been slow and easy.  I'm taking some time to heal my body, and taking the gentle approach to plunging into the new year.  Most days I spend some time on my new chaise lounge, reading through Marie Lu's 'Legend' series.  I've been getting very good use out of my new electric tea kettle.  There has been lots of Rusty snuggling time.  The kids are loving their new tablets, and are happiest just piled on top of me.  On the weekends, I keep asking them if they want to go out, but they all just want to stay home and read and snuggle.  Totally fine by me.

 

Today the beef stew is simmering on the stove, and I've spent the morning listening to Lulu and her friend play happily together in the other room.  I peek in occasionally, offering popcorn or a drink, and suggest how much Halloween candy would be a good idea to eat.  The day seems easy...almost too easy.  And I'm trying not to feel guilty about it, and just let the slowness take over and become the norm.  The biggest thing on my agenda for this afternoon is getting the brownies into the oven, and taking them out in time so the middles are gooey, just like I like them. 

 

Totally, totally, fine by me.