It takes a village, people.

These past couple of months, I've learned some incredible lessons.  Lessons about accepting help from others.  About asking for help.  About the kindness of friends, and of people in my community.  About letting go, about not feeling bad when people take care of me or my kids.  About the importance of paying it forward.  About releasing control.  About listening. And about the importance of car pooling (my biggest lifesaver lately).

I am blown away, and humbled, by how people in this community have rallied around me and lifted me up.  So many caring people have shown me what the expression "it takes a village" means.  It can be as simple as a handwritten card in the mail.  A meal made and dropped off on the doorstep.  Driving my children to and from school.  A call.  A text.  A surprise gift certificate.   A prayer. 

Between recovering from the c-section, and struggling with a very infected tailbone, and an impeding surgery scheduled for this Friday, I feel like I've been doing a lot of "accepting" of help.  It's been hard, and awesome.  My natural instinct is to say no, to forge on, to keep routine.  But I was talking to one of my friend's the other day, who is one of my greatest teachers, and she wisely explained that people want to help.  It makes them feel good, she said.  You would do the same thing for a friend in need, she said.  Pay it forward.

I've been struggling to sleep, thinking about my surgery.  My first time "going under".  My first intubation.  The control freak in me is scared to let go, and trust in the process.  Every night I wake up at around 2pm and worry.  I toss and turn.  I'm letting my fear control my thoughts.  But after my talk with my friend, I'm trying to refocus.  I'm trying to fully accept all the love, help, and concern being poured on me and my family.  I'm trying to thank God for the friendships that sustain me.  And instead of feeling bad, I am looking forward to the time when I can do for others in their time of need. 

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

feeling good, regardless

So this post is a hard one to write.

I was having one of those mornings when I was feeling really good.  Well, what I like to call "really good, regardless".  Truth is, I've been battling the flu for almost two weeks, and then Gray got it at the begining of the week, missed three days of school, and topped it off with an incredible case of pink eye.  Oh, and John was away for a large chunk of all of this (he also had the flu, too).  So despite feeling like a completely overtired, cranky, unappreciated piece of shit, I guess I was feeling pretty good, regardless.

While I've been fighting off all these germs, I've also been eating better.  I kind of had this epiphany that it was time to make some major changes with my relationship with food.  I broke up with processed flours, and in the process of letting them go, I let go of ten pounds.  Not easy, but not super hard either, when coupled with the flu that killed all my taste buds.

As much as I hate to get caught up in the numbers on the scale, I know what I weighed when I started IVF with the twins,  and I was pretty OK with it.  I was curious if I would ever be able to "get back to that number".  I wasn't sure if I'd be able to.  I wasn't even sure if I would ever be able to muster up the energy to ever WANT to get back to it.  Maybe last month, I made a goal that I wanted to get down to 158 lbs, and jokingly said that if I did, I would buy myself my big girl's camera (you know, jokingly but dead seriously).   A big fancy expensive camera carrot dangling on a string.  I never thought I'd get that carrot.  But finally, I reached the goal.  And then I reached my pretwin weight.  And now I'm officially one pound less then a year ago, when I was just embarking on the surrogacy journey.  154 lbs.

Just like all these women, who also weigh 154 lbs.

Why am I writing about weight, and sharing it with the internet?  Because I have a lot of girlfriends, and I find that absolutely none of them talk about weight and most of them are too afraid or sad or scared to talk about their relationship to their bodies.  There is so much shame and embarrassment about it.  Some women might be horrified to admit that they weight 150-something pounds.  I feel no shame about it anymore.  I feel perfectly fine in my skin, happy to be where I am.  And you know what, if I weighed 250 lbs, I would hope that I would find a way to either embrace it or change it, but that I had people in my life that I could talk to about it in an honest and open way.

...And then something like this happens...

As I was sitting in the car this morning with Lulu, waiting for school drop off, she looked over at me and said "Hey Mom, you know you still kind of look pregnant.  Look down at your stomach, see?"  She didn't say it to be mean.  She was just stating a fact.  And you know what?  I looked down, and my stomach really truly did look a little pregnant.  But the reality is that five babies have grown in my uterus, and my core strength is shit.  I can let my stomach muscles hang out and seriously look like 6 months pregnant.  Then I can suck it back in and look non-pregnant.  But I still feel pretty damn good, regardless.  For now.

Deep breaths.  So the challenge for me lies in feeling good where I'm at, even when innocent comments can challenge me and threaten to bring me down.


I still haven't bought that camera yet...I better get on that.  I want to get out there and start documenting the beauty that this spring promises!

tripping the light fantastic...except the exact opposite of that

 

John and I had a fantastic date night this past Friday, sneaking into the city to snuggle the double rainbows, and then off to see Mike Gordon from Phish at the House of Blues.  It was nice to get away, and run around the city trying to get to all the places we had to be, but it made us realize how old we feel!  Watching all these young kids tripping out to the music was making me so nervous and motherly...I kept wondering how these poor souls were going to get home safely.  The people watching at the Mike Gordon show was incredible though...people in their own drugged up little worlds dancing like nobody was watching.  We were SO sober.  But it was still awesome.  And the music?...I die.

(note to self...next time you go to a concert and need to have a full body search to get in, make sure you empty your purse of all the rocks, tinctures, salves, various herbs, oils, and remedies...I just get saying to the girl that was searching me "I know this stuff looks totally suspicious, but it's really just harmless hippie stuff, I swear!). 

(another note to self...when you want to go out for sushi after a concert, and your ears are already ringing...don't let the waitress sit you next to the rowdy table of people drinking five scorpion bowls.  It literally took me three days to get my hearing back from all the screaming!)

 

I've always wanted to go to the House of Blues, so I was happy to finally experience it!  So glad that I have a partner in crime that indulges all my bucket list requests, even if includes watching people on acid spinning around in their own universes.

In other news, we celebrated John's Nana Cupcakes' 91st birthday this weekend.  And let me tell you...she is a total inspiration.  She is joyful and so young at heart.  I hope I'm going to concerts and living it up when I am her age!  Cheers to seizing every moment.

*seeing the light*

Lately I've been thinking a lot about light.  About the lack of it lately, and the return of it soon.  This morning the light was streaming through my kitchen window, and I just sank to the floor and let it shine all over my face. The kids looked at me like I was a little crazy.  But that's how thirsty I am for the sun.

The past weeks have been taken up with some doctor's appoitments concerning my bum, and then lots of self care.  I need to have surgery in May.  It's not a huge deal, really.  I keep telling myself it's not cancer, so I shouldn't complain.  But I do have to be put under general anesthesia, a first for me.  And I have to be intubated, which is a huge fear of mine.  Really, it is the essence of letting go.  Being under the complete control of someone else.  There will be lots of stitches, and pain, and a long road of healing, due to the nature of the surgery and the area of the incision.  It won't be fun.  But it's one of those things that has to be done.

Maybe with this surgery will come room for more light.  Out with the old, with what doesn't serve me anymore, and in with the new.  It's interesting that during my whole life on this planet, all 35 years, I have never had surgery, never even really had to take any medication, never really got sick.  And now all of a sudden, in the course of a few short months, I will have had two surgeries, one of the front of my body and one on the back.  A bisection of sorts.  There's got to be some meaning here.

I'm currently studying Reiki and I'm loving every minute of it.  I love learning about the chakras and how to balance them.  Maybe my message lies in my sacral and root chakras.  I love learning about light and how to use energy to heal the ones I love.  We are also learning about self Reiki (there are lots of awesome videos on youtube).  I try to put aside some time every day to practice Reiki on myself, and send loving energy to all my parts that are broken, misaligned, and in need of some extra care.

As May approaches, I will picture myself bathed in light.  Safe.  Held.  I think at this point, we could all use a little warmth and light that the promise of Spring holds.

pain in the a$$

So I've been dealing with this thing...this thing of a very private nature.  And it involves my ass.  More specifically, it involves a cyst on my tailbone.  And this cyst on my tailbone is my teacher right now.  And it's a royal pain in my ass.

Not only is it forcing me to slow down, but it's forcing me to be acutely aware of my body and it's needs.  For those of you out there who know me...I'm not a big fan of going to the doctor's.  I'm one of those people that will ignore something for as long as possible until it (hopefully) resolves itself rather than go to the doctor and nip it in the bud.  I don't even really know who my PCP is.  I just don't go.  And I'm usually pretty successful treating things homeopathically.  Or with essential oils.  Which is what I've been doing with this cyst (this cyst that I've had since I was a little kiddo)----using helichrysum oil and sometimes Thieves.  Let me tell you...if you haven't experienced the magical qualities of a good helichrysum oil (I've yet to figure out how to appropriately pronounce this), then go explore!  It's insanely powerful.  One drop goes a long way.

Let me tell you something though...essential oils helped.  For a long time.  But ever since I started IVF, this cyst has been acting up.  And getting bigger.  Bigger than essential oils and some good mojo could fix.  And then once I gave birth and was laying in the hospital bed recuperating from the c-section, it reached epic proportions of painfulness.  I just remember laying there, and the nurses would come in to check on me, asking "How do you feel?" and  I would say "Great, except..." and then proceed to tell them all about my tailbone.  They look confused.  Didn't you just have your abdomen cut open?  And you're complaining about your tailbone?  I found that I was saying yes to the pain medication, not for the incision pain, but for the pain in my ass.

Yesterday I almost cried I was in so much pain.  I can't sit.  I can't walk.  I certainly can't exercise.  And as saintly as Johnny is, he is certainly tired of hearing me talk about my butt.

So my lesson?  I need help.  Doctor's aren't bad.  I need to be open...to someone looking inside my bum.  It won't be pleasant.  I've heard some pretty terrible stories about the recovery from the surgery.   Which is part of the reason why I've put this off for so long.  Luckily I have some good friends who gave me the smackdown yesterday and pretty much forced me to call the doctor and make a consult.  One even offered to pack my wound for me (now that's friendship!).   Lulu is going to be my bum-doula this afternoon when we go in for my first appointment.

I've got this.  Deep breaths.

love more...judge less

Love more...judge less.

A beautiful idea, huh?  So simple, yet so profound.  And SO easier said than done.

My friend Jenn Ford alerted me about how today, 3/4, is a day dedicated to promoting judgment free motherhood.  Read more about it here on this awesome blog, Connecticut Working Moms.  I think it's an amazing idea.  And it transcends motherhood.  We could all use more love, and less judgment in our lives. 

In the early days of blogging, I read somewhere that "We are all doing the best we can do".  It was so powerful to me at the time.  I was like "Shit!  Yes!".  It gave me permission to be gentle with myself.  It took some of the pressure off when it came to getting it all done, being the best at everything, knowing the answers to all the questions.  It gave me permission to just be myself, and do it as well as I could, and that would be enough. 

I loved scrolling through the pictures today on this facebook set.  It was like a balm to my mothering soul...to my human soul...whispering to me:: 

enough

enough

enough.

To infuse life with more love.  To be less quick to judge.  To be open to the way that others do things.  To step back and be less harsh when judging myself.  To be kind.  To be honest.  To be real.  To think before I speak.

I am so grateful for all these universal lessons that bring us all together.

#moms4moms

.deep breaths.

This was me yesterday, face hovering over the diffuser, soaking in the goodness of every drop of Valor essential oil blend.  I needed it.  The kids are off for the week for school vacation, and I needed a little dose of bravery to get through the rough spots of our day.  We have been so busy, running back and forth to softball camp and going in and out of the city a couple of times.  There have been playdates and sleepovers and other commitments all jammed in to a few days.  Our schedules are off...we've been staying up late.  Lateness makes for very irritable children...children who wish out loud that they had another mom.  Truth be told, everyone's been a little grumpy.  Real talk...sometimes I need to lock myself in the bathroom and turn to the powers of essential oils to get me through.

Lately, I find that even the kids have been getting into the oils.  Ever since I hung them in an printer's box on our bathroom wall, the kids turn to them for injuries and ailments.  I overheard Gray explaining the benefits of oils to her eleven year old friend the other day.  She let her pick some out to put in the diffuser, and then they disappeared with it into Gray's room.  It was a proud mama moment.   Lulu goes off to school every day with various combos of oils on...I let her pick and choose her own (probably much to her teachers' dismay). Even Johnny is subjected to a random spritz of oils now and then.  It's our go-to for destressing...the little kids get a spray of oils before bed every night, and we call it "sleepy spray".  Even Rusty the dog trots around smelling like patchouli.

Pinterest is a great place for info/recipes using essential oils.  I could kill a couple of hours surfing around and pinning different ideas.  There are also a whole bunch of incredible blogs focused on the healing powers of essential oils.  I'm part of a few incredible Facebook groups that inspire me and show me how powerful oils can be.

Do you use them in your daily life?  What are you favorite ways to incorporate them into your day?

(If you don't have a diffuser, I highly suggest you invest in one!  It's one of the best things I bought for our family this year.  If you have questions about where to get one, message me directly and I will steer you in the right direction!)

alone mom

The flip-side of being "fun mom" is "alone mom".  Both are important to me, and one necessitates the other.  I've always been one that needs lots of alone time (or away-from-the-kids, but with other adults time).  Lots of me time, away from the kids and doing my own thing.  I kind of have an obsession with filling my own well, in order to be a better mom.  This week has been one of those weeks where, thanks to Johnny's schedule, I've gotten to sneak out quite a bit.

A couple of nights ago, I picked up my Boo and we went out for the best Indian food my face has ever tasted.  Like for real, we demolished the food and I was kind of licking the plate.  No lie.  No shame.  And then we went to a UU church for a gathering called "Earth Vespers" and we sat around in the near dark listening to poems, practically begging the spirits to send us Spring, fast please.  It was very earthy crunchy and I ate that shit up, too.  As we were calling on spirit animals, I sat there thinking to myself, "Aaaah, this is the life.  Now I can go home and take care of my little animals."  I felt myself filling up.  Like a battery recharge.

I also got to hang with lots of friends this week, and made a quilt, and some prayer flags, and then hosted my book group.  A whole plate full of stuff that fills me up.  And as I sit here now, I am sitting in a coffee shop a couple of towns over that I just found...and I couldn't be happier.  Give me my ginormous headphones, an iced decaf Americano, and my little corner of the coffee shop, and I am a happy mama.

The kids will be off for school vacation this coming week.  Which is awesome, really.  I am seriously looking forward to it.  Right now, they are with my mom for an overnight, and I am going to soak up every minute of alone time, looking at it as a big mama-battery recharge before the long week ahead.  I am going on a real date with my husband tonight!  I'm wearing a skirt and everything.  When I go pick them up tomorrow, I will be ready for the week ahead, ready to spearhead all our adventures!  (fingers crossed)  And if that fails, you can find me in my bed, under the covers, with my headphones on!

y

fun mom

Somewhere along the line, between the move from MA to NH a couple of years back, and the twin pregnancy, I lost a little bit of my fun.  I didn't know it was happening...I just kind of slowed down and started taking a spectator role when the kids were playing.  They were older, and they needed me less.  And frankly, I was tired. I was tired from being a grownup.  I found myself reserving my energy for the adultish stuff I had to do----like cook dinner, do the laundry, and pick up after five people and a dog.  Oh yeah, and growing some human beings.  I pretty much stopped having fun and switched gears to serious business mode.

Like I said, I didn't even realize this was happening.  Until last week.  Maybe it's because I have more energy, or maybe something subconsciously just clicked, but I realized that I have the need and desire to be silly.  To have fun.  To play with my kids.  To tickle the crap out of them in my bed until we are all drenched in tears.  Maybe I realized they are all growing up, and these moments are so fleeting.  And I want to make the most of them all.

It started small.  We went to the museum.  I played with them.  We went out and bought sleds and then we came home and I went sledding with them instead of watching from the window.  They were all shocked.  Gray called out "Mom, you are so FUN!  What's happening?".  Later that week, on Valentine's Day, while we were waiting for John to come home from work, we all drew big huge red hearts on each other's butts and then mooned him when we walked in.  We've been playing games at night instead of watching TV.  I sit myself on the floor and play Lego's and blocks and Barbies.  We are reading out loud more.  We built a fort under the dining room table.  Little things, but big things to them.

For the first time in a while, I'm actually looking forward to school vacation on Friday.  I'm looking forward to just being with the kids, and being myself.  I feel like the old me is emerging, and I love it.

sanctuary?...

I find that as the kids get older, my need to find sanctuary gets greater and greater.  Their energies rub off on me, and if they are fighting or feeling especially cranky, I want to crawl out of my skin.  And as much as I love our house, we joke that it's the smallest house in our town filled with mansions.  When we first moved in after moving from our 900 square foot first house, it really did feel like a mansion to us, but now, with three growing kids (one who can be a very moody tween), it can feel really, really small.  We are lucky to have every square inch...but we do fill them all up, especially when we are cooped up because of these freezing temps outside.

John's been travelling on the weekends lately, and sometimes it feels like a physical challenge just getting through the two days without him.  This past weekend was particularly difficult because the kids were just...kids.  I felt like nothing was enough...no amount of playdates, or special treats, or trips to the museum and lunch dates was enough.  At the tail end of it all, I retreated into my sanctuary...my bedroom...and shut the door.  I closed the curtains and covered myself with my blankets and shut the door.  I let them fight downstairs.  I didn't yell down to tell them to stop.  I didn't tell the dog to stop barking.  I just let my body rest.  I took deep breaths.  I rubbed my temples. I shut out the frenetic energy.  I took two (really, almost three) hours to myself.  I let them discipline and manage themselves (I have the luxury of doing this because they are older...I trust they won't hurt themselves).  The best part of it all was that when I reemerged, it was like I hit the reset button.  The kids treated me better.  They had stopped fighting.  We had an awesome night.  It was kind of magic.

It was perfect permission to do that more often.

For Christmas, right before I gave birth, John brough home a big comfy chaise lounge for my sanctuary.  We call it the "kitty kat lounge".  The day after he brought it home, I decided to relax on it for a little bit before the Christmas Eve festivities began.  I sprawled out on it for the first time, read a couple of pages on my kindle, and immediately began hemmoraging.  So how's that for sanctuary?  I had to rush off the kitty kat lounge right to the hospital.  Best laid plans... :)   Sometimes sanctuary peace just doesn't play out exactly as planned.  And now the kids have claimed the kitty kat lounge for themselves...or pile on top of me whilie I'm reading on it.

John and I joke about our bedroom being our "sanctuary"----we've been calling it this for years and for the most part, it is.  But sometimes, when we are all piled in our bed, screaming, tickling, crying, with the dog barking and jumping on us too, it's quite the opposite of a sanctuary.  It is chaos personified.  It is craziness bubbling up.  And when we reach our limit, we say "Get out of our sanctuary!  This is supposed to be peaceful!"...and the kids laugh in our faces and stay exactly where they are.  Right in the middle of our peace.

Most of the time, we wouldn't have it any other way.

body love

I would be lying to you if I said that I wasn't nervous about what would happen after I gave birth to the twins.  There was a couple of little demons that would poke their ugly heads up sometimes in my brain, making me wonder if I could handle the postpartum feeling of being fat and frumpy with no cute babies to hide behind.  Lots of people wouldn't know I had just given birth...and would they wonder if I was still pregnant?  Because let's be honest...after a woman gives birth...she looks...well, pregnant.

Surprisingly, when people ask me how I feel, I reply "amazing" and I'm not lying.  I feel freaking amazing.  I don't care about any of that crazy shit anymore.  I read a quote the other day on instagram (via Full Moon Mothering) that really spoke to me::

"There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetically herself; comfortable in her perfect imperfection.  To me, that is the true essence of beauty."  -Steve Maraboli

When I read this, it hit me like a ton of bricks::  I'm done with it.  Done with worrying about how I look, how big my stomach appears, the scars, what other people are thinking.  I'm done.  I'm going to embrace me exactly where I'm at right now.  I love where I'm at.  I feel strong.  I feel alive and grateful that my body is a body that has given birth to five children.  We eat good food and love each other and are active and that is enough.  I am happy, right now.  

And let me tell you this...it's so freeing.  It's so freeing to be done with it....the comparisons, the worries.  Something about this quote broke me, and I'm so thankful for it.

laundry, dishes, pumping, repeat

lately, it seems like i'm hunkering down...resistant to head out of the house unless it's for a quick errand or two, or some quiet time at the coffee shop.  friends have been stopping in here and there, mostly every day, but i haven't ventured out to them much.  it's cold.  actually, it's freezing.  the pull of my home is so strong right now, so strong i sometimes wonder if i'm getting smothered by it.  sometimes i can't get out of my own way, and feel crushed by all the "stuff" there is to get done....loads and loads of laundry ("mom!  i have NO PANTS!"), a sink full of dishes and a whole bunch of crusty pans covering the stove top from last night's dinner, and then there is the pull of the pump.  every two and a half or three hours, i sit down at my spot on the couch and pull up my shirt and make lots and lots of milk for two precious babies. babies that aren't mine.  kind of a crazy trippy idea, but also a constant reminder of how we are all connected on this web of life.

shit never completely gets done.  even after folding three huge loads of laundry this morning, i was loading up the washer with more dirty clothes.  they will probably sit wet in there for too long and have to be washed again.  and as soon as i emptied the clean dishes out of the dishwasher, i loaded it up with all the nasty ones from the sink and the stove.  this is my practice.  finding peace in the chaos that is my life.  there is no "finished".  the kids will always need lunch tomorrow morning.  i will need to make them dinner when they get off the bus.  they will always need to eat.  i will always have to go to the grocery store.  pretty soon it will be time to pump the milk again.  repeat.

the challenge is finding the beauty in the repetition.  the challenge is breathing out peace even when i want to crawl into bed or run away to somewhere tropical and take a little vacation from life.  there is an amazing amount of beauty to be found in the boring, the predictable, the endless piles of laundry.  it is there...i just need to see it.  today i'm struggling with finding that beauty, so these words are for me.

feeling slow and easy

 

As you can probably see from the above pictures, January has been slow and easy.  I'm taking some time to heal my body, and taking the gentle approach to plunging into the new year.  Most days I spend some time on my new chaise lounge, reading through Marie Lu's 'Legend' series.  I've been getting very good use out of my new electric tea kettle.  There has been lots of Rusty snuggling time.  The kids are loving their new tablets, and are happiest just piled on top of me.  On the weekends, I keep asking them if they want to go out, but they all just want to stay home and read and snuggle.  Totally fine by me.

 

Today the beef stew is simmering on the stove, and I've spent the morning listening to Lulu and her friend play happily together in the other room.  I peek in occasionally, offering popcorn or a drink, and suggest how much Halloween candy would be a good idea to eat.  The day seems easy...almost too easy.  And I'm trying not to feel guilty about it, and just let the slowness take over and become the norm.  The biggest thing on my agenda for this afternoon is getting the brownies into the oven, and taking them out in time so the middles are gooey, just like I like them. 

 

Totally, totally, fine by me. 

fresh...2014

So 2014 has arrived, and with it, many wonderful changes!  For starters, I gave birth to the double rainbows unexpectedly on Christmas Day.  Santa still came here at the Gilbert household, but mama had to miss the day and go under the knife!  When it was all said and done, two beautiful and perfect babies entered the world and were delivered Christmas morning, straight into the arms of their excited parents!  Lots of things didn't play out as we had imagined, but it was truly a lesson in letting go, and trusting that the universe would provide.  And provide it did!  I wasn't able to see my doctor for the c-section, but I absolutely loved the doctor that provided my care.  I felt supported and cared for.  My anesthesiologist was a little buzzing bee of caring in my ear when I needed it.  The nurses and staff throughout my hospital stay were totally amazing...like sitting on my bed chatting with me for hours amazing.  Not to mention the double rainbows' parents----I felt like I was part of a team.  I couldn't have asked for more amazing people to work alongside with.  It was an incredible experience.

Now I can touch my toes!  And I can walk up the stairs without feeling like I've just run a marathon.  And I'm already over 20 pounds lighter!  I feel better and better every day.  There were a couple of hurdles to overcome post-delivery (a couple of infections, etc) but every day that passes brings with it renewed energy.  The c-section was way easier to recover from than I had originally thought.  I'm looking forward to healing even more, juicing, green eating, and getting back into shape when the spring rolls around.  For now, I'm OK with lounging around, doing the best I can, pumping, and eating brownies.

The recent snowstorm has gifted me with some extra days with the kids, and some extra time to recover and stay close to home.  I feel like it was divine intervention.  I'm looking forward to Monday, when we can all get back into a routine.  There are only so many puzzles, cups of tea, and rolls of cookie dough you can bake up before everyone needs a break from each other ;)  I'm enjoying the rhythm of pumping for the babies...every three hours, nature is nudging me to sit down and take a load off, and create some liquid gold.  It's forcing me to really be conscious of my self care----nutrition, hydration, and supplements!  It's all about making sure I have enough for myself, for two additional babies, and enough left over to take care of my own three children!  That's a huge self-care lesson right there.  I'm sure it will be a work-in-progress with many bumps in the road, but I'm working on it.  I've got lots of awesome team members holding me up and making sure I stay on track.

Thank you to everyone who supported me through my surrogacy journey.  Who listened when I needed to debrief.  Who dropped off food, who watched my kids, who drove them to school, who texted, who called, who checked in, who sent gifts, who showered me with love and affection.  Who believed in me.  I couldn't have journeyed through this last year and a half without the support of all the wonderful people in my life.  And while my journey in some ways is ending, I have learned so much about myself that I feel like in a lot of ways, it is just begining.  How fitting that it is a new year.  There is so much possibility.  Thank you...thank you...thank you.  xo

Angels, angels, everywhere...

The hustle and bustle of the holiday season has made the last month or so fly by. I've been desperately trying to slow down and enjoy it all...those moments when we are all snowed in and Lulu just wants to watch another episode of Jessie. The wet hats and gloves all over the porch.  The fact that Rusty ate my favorite vintage Santa ornament off the tree.   Times like when I'm exhausted but the kids want to have tea...I've been consciously trying to say YES more. I am not perfect...far from it. But I find that when I am intentional about it, I can be more open to saying yes and letting go.  'Tis the season for me to stop being such a freak about homework and schedules.  You want to stay home from school and go get broccoli and cheddar soup at Panera with me?...Yes.  You want to sleep in and forget about some plans that we didn't really want to do anyway? For sure.

I've been spending lots of time at the doctors making sure the twins are doing well, which they are. Tomorrow will be 34 weeks, which is considered 'safe' enough to deliver locally.  Overall, I've been feeling really well and haven't needed to slow down much, although I have.  I am learning to accept help when it's offered.  There have been so many people helping out along the way, and I am eternally grateful for that.   Just this morning, one neighbor plowed me out from last night's storm, and another neighbor came to get Lulu to bring her to and from school so I could stay in my jammies.   Angels, angels, everywhere.   This week another neighbor dropped off homemade Paleo chocolate chip cookies, gypsy cold care tea, kombucha, and homemade cough syrup.  The combo of all those things kicked the last of my cough out of my body.  Last week a friend dropped off delicious meatballs, chocolates, and champagne.   Don't even get me started about how grateful i am for the housekeeping gift certificate I received from the rainbows' parents.  Blessed, I tell you.   Blessed.

The kids get out for school vacation Friday afternoon. Then it's time to really kick back, forget about schedules, rent a lot of videos, and make sure the fridge is stocked.  Even though this year we won't have John home with us celebrating Christmas (and there's that small chance that I will be in the hospital if the rainbows decide to make their debut early), we are all looking forward to snuggling in together, making new traditions, and appreciating the time we have with one another.

Wabi sabi

These past couple of weeks have been filled with so many exceptionally brilliant and love-filled moments.  The sun has shone so brightly on our lives that I can barely believe that we are so lucky.   A table full of all the people we love, sharing gratitudes. Barriers being broken down and hearts broken open. Deep talks late at night in bed with cold feet warming each other.  But these weeks have also been filled with difficult, confusing things.  The loss of John's father.  Watching his mother suffer and struggle for breath in ICU.  Explaining to the kids why people get sick and die. Watching the fear in their eyes when they ask when their other loved ones might die, too.  It's hard being a grown-up and a parent sometimes, and this time is one of them. Big decisions and extremely difficult conversations lie on the horizon. So many beautiful things are in store, too...holiday get-togethers, tree cutting and decorating, celebrating our boy turning eight and our girl turning five. Our goal is to find the balance...stay open and engaged with one another, and not lose sight of the beauty amidst the chaos.  Xo

choosing gratitude

today i chose to be grateful.  even though this week was rough, even though i never changed out of my clothes from yesterday, i never put on a bra, i wore a hat instead of doing my hair.  i chose to open my eyes and look at the beauty of the world around me.

i am grateful for::

*being able to go on long(ish) walks with friends in the freezing cold, collecting sticks and climbing rocks.  just getting outside in the cold quiet is such a gift.

*family dinners out.  we went out last night and it's something we all enjoy.  yes, it might be expensive but it's one of the few things we splurge on.  it's nice to take a break during the week from the usual routine and sit across from each other.  we get to hear about gray's endless stream of boyfriends and stories about their friends at school.  i treasure these moments because i know that some day i will miss them terribly when they go off on their own.

*lulu's school.  i love that we are able to send her to a co-op, and that i get to volunteer in the classroom.  although yesterday i was co-op mom and it was also a full moon...and i must say, i came home a VERY tired mama.  i give major props to pre-K teachers...any and all teachers.  that is serious WORK.

*the promise of a creative brunch on the horizon tomorrow on the ocean.  this week has been challenging in many ways for our family and the thought of a mini escape (and my little one is playing hookie and coming with me) makes me happy.

*new bright red tea cups

*fresh cornbread almost every day

*cooking meals for my family almost every day, being healthy enough to get up and do so, and having enough money to afford to provide nourishing food for everyone.

*the new incense i was gifted....burning it and taking a minute to slow down

*sleeping with rusty.  even though i said i would NEVER have a dog sleep in my bed.  even though i've been known to say that i don't even really like dogs that much.  i am totally whipped by my little puppy and he's the best snuggler in bed.  we don't do it very often because we don't want him to get used to it...but when we do....it's good...

*having the kids and johnny take my boots and my socks off at the end of a long day.  joey's foot rubs.  anyone's foot rubs.  calf rubs.  anything.  i'll take anything i can get.

what's making you slow down and say thanks today?

bracelet love

throughout this pregnancy, lots of crazy things have happened that keep showing the parents and i that this experience was truly meant to be.  this story is an example of that...

two weekends ago, when i attended the double rainbows' shower, i was going around being introduced to everyone.  all the people that i met were really incredible, open, and loving.  the DR(double rainbows)'s mom introduced me to one of her best friends, and the best friend said to me "i hope this is OK but i have a little something for you."  (this was unbeknownst to the DR's mom, btw).  she handed me a box and a card.  and as i was opening the box, she said "i took my seven year old to the store with me and she picked this out for you."  when i opened it, inside i found a beautiful "path of life" alex and ani bracelet. 

it was the SAME EXACT BRACELET i had given the DR's mom for her birthday at the beginning of the summer (also when we found out i was carrying the twins).  the best friend had no clue that i had already given this same bracelet to her friend (mind you, there are like millions of alex and ani bracelets with tons of meanings)...but the DR's mom and i just stood there, with the hairs standing up on our arms, all freaked out in the best of ways possible.

so now we have matching bracelets to commemorate this journey.  i love looking down at it knowing that these days of incubation are truly part of my "path of life."  i wouldn't change it for the world. 

gratitude list

i am a big fan of gratitude lists, not just during this time of year, but the whole year long.  i love taking the time to think about all the ways that we are blessed.  i love focusing on the good.  i also love everything about the holidays and the time leading up to thanksgiving, when we will gather with our family and really focus on what matters. 

so with that, i present to you----my gratitudes!

*  so grateful for joey's healing capabilities....this wednesday will be his last eye appointment.  despite his traumatic eye injury, he's walking away with all his vision and no major lifelong complications!  and after this, no more $35 copayments every day!

*  grateful for sitting around a roaring fire with the women in my faith group----just listening to them speak as we go around and share in the circle.  i always preface whatever i say with "i don't have much to say this month" and then typically launch into something...they all inspire me to be a better mom and have a closer connection to my spirituality.  plus, i adore sipping on tea that i don't have to make for myself.  i could listen to them talk and process for hours. 

*  attending the double rainbows' baby shower last weekend!  i can't even put it into words...won't even try.  it was moving, emotional, overwhelming.  i walked away from the day feeling so filled with light and so happy that the babies are going to be surrounded by so much love in their lives.

*  my friends and my mom who took me out to shower ME with love and to celebrate my surrogacy journey.  we had an awesome dinner out----and it even included us having to leave the restaurant while the fire department came!  they showered me with gifts to pamper myself, a wrist full of meaningful bracelets with powerful symbolism, wine, scarves, a pedicure and a beautiful necklace.  i felt so lucky to have all these incredible women in my life.

*  last weekend i also went to an awesome "sprinkle" brunch for my friend who's expecting her third baby.  who invented brunch?  i want to make out with them.  brunch is amazing.  friends eating and drinking together in the morning is amazing.  especially when you are celebrating a baby!

*  john and i finally got a chance to redeem my massage gift certificate that i got for my birthday.  it was life changing!  we got our first couples massage at this awesome place in town.  i enjoyed every second (which truthfully can be hard sometimes for me) and i loved all the aroma-therapeutic stuff my therapist used.  and the hot towels on my feet!  and she massaged the rainbows.  it was a good, good day.

* getting asked to be a bridesmaid in my brother and ashley's wedding!  we went dress shopping this weekend, and not only was i happy to be included in on the day, but i was happy that my very-pregnant body is still cooperating and letting me trek around everywhere and keep up with everyone!  i don't even know what i would do if i had to slow down for some reason.  knock on wood....

*  hanging out with our dear friends and watching polar express like we've been doing before the holidays every year since gray was a baby.  just catching up and sharing food together, picking up where we left off.  watching our children have fun together.  creating new memories and traditions. 

*  the promise of lots of good things on tap----the small things, like breakfast dates and shared cups of tea, and the bigger things, like hosting thanksgiving, all our christmas activities, and then, you know, delivering these beautiful babies. :)


what are you grateful for lately?  xo

Just today

the hostess with the mostess, mindy, at her awesome retreat that i was lucky enough to attend for part of the day

me and my little mini-me...you can see from this picture how drained and exhausting some days in late october/early november have been...she's got enough light for both of us, though

frida kahlo halloween costume...(basically i got home from work, didn't change, threw on my DIY flower crown and a unibrow and i was good to go)

It's so cliche, but time is flying by.  I'm pretty sure I start off every blog post writing the same thing. I'm trying to find the balance between a very busy schedule and making time to just sit down and do a whole lot of nothing.  It's a delicate balance...one that I'm not good at mastering.  Just when I was looking forward to November, thinking that it would be a time for me to slow down and turn inward, Joey experienced a pretty traumatic eye injury (Hyphema...who knew!) which is requiring us to take him to the eye doctor every day for monitoring.  He was on bedrest for a whole week, missing school and trick-or-treating.  He's doing much better now and has regained full sight in his eye, thank goodness.  I think he might even be going to gym class today for the first time.  But seriously, the whole thing had me eating my words about November.  I had a moment where I broke down and cried in John's arms, not knowing if I could manage all Joey's appointments, my appointments for the pregnancy, the girls' commitments, and John's travel schedule.  I felt the overwhelm take over and just broke down.  But John looked at me and gave me the simplest, most epic advice, which was "Just take it one day at a time, Nin."  I was looking at the calendar and getting overwhelmed with it all.   But when I actually chilled the funk out and took a deep breath, I realized that I could (with a little help from my friends) get through each day...and it actually wasn't all that.bad.

I'm feeling better about it all now.  Joey's back to school.  I'm able to have a little breathing room to try to get myself into optimal shape for the last trimester of cooking these babies.  There are lots of vitamins and supplements involved.  And a new addiction to smoothies every day.  Gearing up for a weekend of celebrations, three days of partying!  And also gearing up for hosting Thanksgiving here in a couple of weeks, which we absolutely love to do.  Thanksgiving is definitely our thing...our best holiday.  And since John will be away for Christmas this year, it's even more reason to throw ourselves 100% into it.  November is already flying by.

Every day when I look at the calendar, I try to focus just on today.  What can I do to take care of myself?  What can I do to nourish my family?  What really needs to be done and what can be forgotten about for another day?  Just today.  Just today.