self portrait challenge: imperfection (me and my microwave)

this month's theme over at self portrait challenge is 'imperfection'. aah, imperfection.

my first picture features me and the inside of the door of my microwave.

mind you, we are not dirty people. but we are not clean freaks, either. we get much more enjoyment from being outside and frolicking in the woods. but sometimes, things like the inside of our microwave get overlooked and quite- um, utterly disgusting.

i didn't plan on taking this picture until i went to heat up a potato yesterday for lunch. i saw this and the light bulb in my self portrait challenge head went off- DING! imperfection at its best. i took some other pictures of me and the inside of the actual microwave, but they are way too scary and horrid to post here.

luckily, this picture inspired me to take the time to clean out the nastiness. so thank you, self portrait challenge, for keeping me in check.

spinnin' right round

DSC09976, originally uploaded by Nina Marie Gilbert.

today is one of those crazy days. my mind is spinning and my head is pounding. this weekend was full and satisfying, filled with work (yes, work!) and the kids and pizza and a date and family and orchards.

my car broke today but my dad saved the day by fixing the problem with a washer and a piece of masking tape. no, i'm not kidding you. just one of the benefits of living a mile away from mcguyver/dad magician man.

also, i've been pondering my career lately, mainly because i've been hearting work so much lately. i get high off of my massages lately (that sounds kind of dirty, but i mean it in the most purest way, i swear). i loved working six hours this week (gasp! six hours- doesn't sound like much, i know. but for me this is huge). waiting with baited breath for my new business cards, with a lotus flower and all.

shout out to c&j who just purchased their first home!

also thinking seriously about egg donation. seriously as in i'm considering shooting myself with hormones with a NEEDLE and probably will start the 26 (not kidding) page application if my kidlets ever go down for a nap. that is, of course, i get called into work at the last moment. i feel like the massage therapist superhero that has to swoop in at the blink of an eye to soothe aching muscles with this whole on-call thing. anywho, has anyone out there ever donated eggs, and if so, is it scary? i've never had surgery before and from what i'm reading, i'll have to actually go under and it's painful, etc. i'm really motivated to help another mama out though, and i want to be a surrogate but it's not the right time for me right.this.minute. because i want to finish having my own kids first. so this is a bit of a compromise to tide me over. any opinions welcome here...

finally, this picture. this picture kills me. look at pum's little fingers reaching out. grace's little leg stance. these kids give me the worst black circles under my eyes but the best damn life i could have ever hoped for.

obviously i'm all over the place today. still love me, please.

photobooth friday: the trollish edition

aaah, friday. happy photobooth friday. this was taken last weekend on our maine date adventure- at york beach, maine, at the fun-o-rama. 9/23/06. john and i have had some pretty bum photobooth luck lately. it seems that every time we step into one- something happens- our money gets eaten, we wait for what seems like three and a half hours and our pictures don't come out. john would be perfectly happy to just walk away and call it quits- but me, aaaah- i need to have my photobooth fix. there's nothing worse than having the photobooth rush, only to walk away if it doesn't go your way. then my social anxiety and awkwardness kicks in and i beg and plead for my shy husband to go and accost the fun-o-rama teenage staff to fix the machine, give us our money back, etc. john looks like he'd rather die but loves me so that he walks away with his head down, headed for the pack of mohawked teens just waiting to make fun of the close-to-thirty somethings who love photobooths. these beauties are from our second attempt that day- after teen intervention. after having to move to another machine in the back of the place. one that the teen explained "the pictures don't come out by themselves...so when you're done, come and get me and i'll get them out." this was one of these newer machines that's actually really a computer, but it only cost a dollar. a dollar, people! i could've dropped twenty if john wasn't with me. as you can see from the first pic, it's also one of those crazy machines that has two holes- one with the camera, one with the viewfinder, so you get all confused as to what you're supposed to be looking at, and when. i was totally caught off guard and look a little slow. john, however, was right on the money.

after our diner trip, while i was in the bathroom, john surprised me with this little bumper sticker treat. first off, let me say that there's no way in hell that i would be caught dead with this on my car. if you have one, kudos for you...but not only am i not a pet person, i'm certainly not a bumper sticker person. or a pet related bumper sticker person.

with that being said, this was my gift. us cats here speak in meow language to each other (trollish moment, i know). john and gray speak cat to each other- most of what they say to each other only involves the word 'meow'. meow means to many love-filled things to us- it's a short word that says a lot. meow. so even though i won't put this on my car, it will go on my inspiration board and make me smile and chuckle when i'm sad.

on our drive home, i was doing my usual car activities (read: banging), when i spotted a car next to us that had a "WOOF" sticker (trollish moment #2). for some reason, i was overcome with excitement, looked at john...grabbed our "meow" sticker and said "hey! she has a woof sticker! i have to show her ours!" and proceeded to hold up (read: wave frantically) our meow sticker at her. she didn't even look over at us (meow).

needless to say, john hasn't laughed harder in his life. he could.not.stop.laughing. at 1. my trollishness and 2. childlike excitement over taking animal talk with a complete stranger in the next car.

all i have to say is

meow.

things i'm absolutely crazy insane (in a good way) over thursday

1. joey. my joe. i realized that i haven't been writing about the kiddies much lately- i haven't been detailing their day-to-day progress, their antics, their gemlike qualities that keep me alive. but believe me...my days are filled with moments that make my heart want to explode. my boy is nine little months old, and taking his first steps. three in a row so far. three tiny steps. he flaps his arms frantically, like he's trying to fly. we tell him "walk walk walk, flap your wings and fly" and then he falls. to see such a tiny being trying to walk is one of the most delicious and magical things i've ever witnessed. if you haven't witnessed it firsthand for yourself, i suggest you make your way over to my house, grab a plate of food, sit on my couch, and behold the wonders of learning to walk.

2. kooky crazy carrot pirate eye patches.

3. fall feet. one of my favorite things in the world is getting cold dew all over my flip-flopped feet, getting in the car, and blasting the heat on them. probably not the best thing for my skin, but i'm a fall junkie and i just can't help it.

4. at gray's school, they call her my 'mini me'. every time they say it i want to cry with happiness. my mini me.

when we got out of the car today at school, gray's teacher was in the parking lot talking to her friend, and she took one look at grace and said "i love that kid. she really is special." aah.

5. music. lately i can't get enough. when we're not listening to records and dancing like dirty hippies, the kids and playing our little beat up ukelele. grace usually asks for help from her ponies. joey plays the thing like his life depends on it. and lately i've gotten the chance to listen to the coffeehouse radio show almost every morning- lori mckenna, rose polenzani, deb talan, josh ritter, regina spektor. all flooding me with goodness.

6. the zoo. i have mixed feelings about the zoo, but no mixed feelings about my awesome zoo companions yesterdays, mindertins and her o. our kiddies rode in the wagon while m. developed her arm muscles by pulling the two three year olds around, along with a stocked cooler. our visit was filled with requests "can we have a snack? where's the play area?" gotta love that kids can be right in front of a pack of wolves, and jaguars...but still just want to play. and eat.

7. my girls. seeing my twin baby boys. hosting a clothing swap on monday night and making out like a freakin' bandit.

8. wine. bad tv. wednesday nights. anchovy pizza. stripping. sports bras.

9. this poem.

my dreams, my works, must wait till after hell
by gwendolyn brooks (1945)

i hold my honey and i store my bread
in little jars and cabinets of my will.
i label clearly, and each latch and lid
i bid be firm till i return from hell.
i am very hungry. i am incomplete.
and none can tell when i may dine again.
no man can give me any word but Wait,
the puny light. i keep eyes pointed in;
hoping that, when the devil days of my hurt
drag out to their last dregs and i resume
on such legs are left me, in such heart
as i can manage, remember to go home,
my taste will not have turned insensitive
to honey and bread old purity could love.



happy thursday. happy almost weekend. hugs to you and yours.
p.s.- hey chad! :)

trust

"when i'm trusting and being myself as fully as possible, everything in my life reflects this by falling into place easily, often miraculously." -shakti gawain

self portrait challenge: me and my weekend loverman

me and my weekend loverman, originally uploaded by Nina Marie Gilbert.

it's no secret that my man works a ton. his work ethic and stick-to-it-tiveness allows me to stay home and raise our babies...for us to live in this fairytale of a house...for us to eat splendiferic meals every night with all our friends. if our relationship consisted of just the work week, it would be a sad, sad thing.

luckily, my man is my secret weekend loverman. each weekend is something to look forward to, even if we don't have plans. no working on the weekend for him- just us, and just us plus kiddies.

this is our only wedding photo. john got it made for me years after our actual wedding, from one of the proofs we were lucky enough to snag from our deadbeat photographer. we paid in full, she shot our wedding, and then skipped town. claimed bankruptcy and we never got one stinkin' picture (or our money back). but even though at the time it kind of stunk, it's almost more special just to have one picture, hanging in an out-of-the-way special corner of the house. it hangs at the bottom of our stairs, where not many of our guests can see it. but every time i walk down from our bedroom, i take a quick glance at it, and know that even though my man is away, he's always coming home...and there's always the weekend.

i wear earrings, yes it's true

i wear earrings, yes it's true, originally uploaded by Nina Marie Gilbert.

aaah, bedtime. the house is quiet, except for the hum of the air conditioner. my book club book is calling me...sleep. come to bed. read three of my pages and fall gently asleep.

this weekend rocked the casbah. i hope yours did too. it involved the following, not necessarily in order:

being scared by large groups of screaming teenagers

meeting up for a friday night date (tee hee) with my girl femiknit...sharing rice krispy treats bigger than our heads and chocolate and delicious drink treats. reading trollish books and getting stared at for being trolls together, as c. knit a vest. yes people, she was knitting a sweater vest, and actually stopped to wonder why people thought we were crazy (tee hee). i, however, proceeded to vent and fume and ponder my future as i usually do when i hang out with c. it was perfect c. therapy.

saturday was my date day with john. we've been planning this all week, calling and emailing each other like lovesick teenagers, discussing all the details. when sat. rolled around, we hucked the kids off to two separate familysitters, and left for our mini trip to maine- the maine diner. people, if you haven't had a taste of the maine diner, get yourself a map and drive yo asses to wells, ME for some good stinkin' eats.

i had about four pounds of lobster stuffed into a buttery roll, and my old man of a husband had a turkey dinner, with garnish and all. we laughed, went antique non-shopping, discovered new beaches (wells, york), found a new photobooth, found the strangest arcade game ever, where you "fish" for lobsters, and if you win, a real live lobster falls out (i took pictures, i swear i'm not lying). we also went to a drive-by liquor store on the highway, just because we could. gotta love new hampshire, i tell you.

(the lobster zone video game- only in new england)

today was cleaning and more eating and waking and driving to 'todd farm'- this big outdoor antique market/flea market/mud pit in the middle of nowhere. we took my fairy of a mother-in-law. i bought an electric blue apron that features enamelware pots and spoons-- and of course wore it around the whole time. luckily my family loves me and didn't abandon me, despite their embarrassment.

now it's off to bed. to rest my head. i'm posting the pictures of the earrings just to prove that i actually did 1. purchase them and 2. wear them.

happy photobooth friday, y'all

taken last week

september 17, 2006
mama and grace
salisbury beach, MA

gray: crying and needing a nap, but putting on a happy face for the pictures

mama: tired from auntie jojo and auntie libby's wedding, sportin' flowers (courtesy of gracie) in her hair


there's a pretty good chance that more photobooth goodness will be had today, as we're headed to the beach with puppa in a bit. of course, there will be pizza. and debriefing. can't have a car ride with puppa without lots and lots of debriefing.

a mama and girl kiss

a mama and girl kiss, originally uploaded by Nina Marie Gilbert.

good morning again to my bloggie peeps-
another sleepie morning, with the girl off to school, and the boy back in bed with the snifflies. i'm here trying desperately to clean up my inbox (that sounds dirty, huh?) and plan some crafting projects and clear my head and get organized.

yesterday was a pure deeeelight- you can check out some photos that i put up on my flickr account (www.flickr.com/photos/ninamariegilbert) or just click the handy link on the sidebar. mama al was a glowing and fabulous and stupendously preggo hostess with the mostess, as expected. the kids played deliciously and even let us have real adult conversations! we ate and picked apples drenched in chemicals, mused about growing third heads, walked through the orchards watched the babes play with sticks and get dirty. i feel so lucky to have reconnected with yet another of my soul sisters- the day was perfect, leaving me wishing that i lived closer to we could catch up a couple of times a week, grounding each other in our journeys of mamahood.

today is breezy and fallish and the leaves are changing. i've got three cups of joe coursing through my body. i've cut all my hair off yet again. i got to listen to my favorite radio show 'coffeehouse' on 88.9 two days in a row, which to me is the equivalent of doing drugs. last night i got to feed lots of people i love with fresh herby lasagna, topped off with pineapple upside down cake ice cream. people relax on my couches and to quote vincent from project runway ..."it gets me off". today life feels grand and open and wide with possibilities.

also, i wanted to post the links to some of your amazing life lists. if i missed yours, please comment and i'll add you. i just think it's so powerful to see what everyone's up to in their noggins- the power of dreams. thanks for participating! xo

knitting momma
femiknit
pancakemama
rachel
erina

and if you haven't done one yet (even if you don't care to share)- try it! it's so freeing to get it all out. today is as good of a day as any.

hopeful adventures

(feet hanging off the edge of a recent hayride)

it's early. really early. i've been up since 5am, wanting to get up and turn on the coffee pot. i finally pulled myself out of bed, nursed joey, and then brewed some life-saving java. now i'm sitting here taking a moment to say...good morning.

i'm excited about the day today. we're headed to connecticut to visit my not-so-near and dear mama al. our three year olds are like to dirty-hippie-peas-in-a-pod. i'm looking forward to sitting back and watching them play and explore in her sprawling backyard, nursing some more, eating, and catching up on our girl-yet-mama talk. watching her pregnant glow. you know me and pregnant mamas! we've also got some plans for apple picking, so there will be more dew soaked feeties and crisp apple hunting. it will certainly be worth the drive, that's for sure.

and then back to MA tonight for lots of eating and talking and bad tv. having jess around to inspire my girlishness and creativity and organizing of my past (for some reason she inspires to to put my old journals in order, and put my photos into albums, and organize my old letters by person- ) has been such a blessing. seeing everyone eat food i've created for them is one of the most satisfying things on the planet.

grace just walked into my room, fresh from sleep- hair all frizzed up around her tiny face- and she greets me with "i just wanted to spend some love time with you. wanna snuggle in your bed?" grace says the most perfect (and sometimes random) things when she gets up and walks into our room (our rooms are all connected upstairs). it's one of the things i live for- to see what she has to offer me on these early and hopeful mornings.

*she also just said "happy myles day, mummi. wanna call myles?" don't worry mama al, we won't call you at 6:30am, i promise!

self portrait challenge: me and my excitables

i'm convinced i've been blessed with some of the best wee ones around. but damn, are they busy! always on the go. go go go. for me, this picture sybolizes it all. i set up my camera on the floor with the timing setting on, trying to capture a real second of my day- something less staged and less beautiful. my floors are flithy. i'm trying desperately to keep joey out of the bathroom while his sister "takes a dump" (as she's taken to calling it). he's obsessed with getting into the bathroom. he cannot be tamed until he's explored the rim of the toilet bowl, gotten some hairs wrapped up in his drooly fingers. grace screams "he's coming in the bathroom again! gate him! GATE HIM!" gray likes to "gate" joey with her body, meaning she slams herself up against him, trying to block him from anything- the bathroom, her little ponies, her bracelets, her food. everything in our house is always in motion. no sitting or relaxing during the day. beautiful, creative, fun energy. draining, baggy-eyed, whirlwind energy. it never stops. except, of course, sweet sweet bedtime.

happy self portrait challenge my dear peeps. thanks for peeking into my world.

"everybody is original, if they tell the truth, if they speak from their true self. but it must be from their true self and not from the self they think they should be. so remember these two things: you are talented and you are original." -brenda ueland, via keri smith, via mindertins

mindy can put together one kick-ass package. thank you dear sweet one for this fabulous book
and other wonderful treats.

i'm still reeling from emotions about the weekend, about the power of love and life, about the connectedness of us all. what a complex and amazing journey it is.

wedding bliss

happy wedding day to my ladies!

last night i went into boston solo and got the chance to ride the T and wonder about people's lives- questioning their tattoo choices, thinking about their days in vietnam, wondering how a person can be so drunk that she can spit and belch and sing horribly offensive songs without a care. looking at people's new babies and old people with swollen ankles and people with worn shoes. i love slash detest riding the T- detest mainly because at the end of my night, when all i wanted to do was to get home to my crying babes- i got stuck on a smelly, crapshoot of a train for what felt like hours but was probably more like an hour. people started smoking and bitching and i was only three.stops.away. from where my car was parked. but gotta love boston- it was not a walk i was about to chance taking- about 45 minutes in the dark, with no real direct route. gave me more time to think and analyze life, though- lately i've been so overwhelmed (in a good way) about the juxtaposition of such beauty and such pain in life...i keep wanting to weep from all the sadness and happiness around me.

the rehearsal itself was absolutely divine, filled with many happy tears. they have the.best.priest(ess). presiding over the ceremony, and an all-around fabulous j.p., too. jo and lib were presented with their big wedding quilt, made by friends and family, and i had to get up in front of everyone and give a little thingie about our square.

i.don't.do.well.talking.in.front.of.people. i actually got choked up, again! i've been a cryin' fool lately. i'm just a sucker for weddings, and even more so when the couple rocks and are so much in stinkin' love it hurts.

(rody love courtesy of femiknit and little man- i couldn't resist snapping a pic of his heart-head...rody, the most perverse children's toy ever!)

happy wedding, happy day! we're off this afternoon, with both kids in tow- back to the big city (joey's first real time!) for a kick-ass celebration.

hope you all have wonderous weekends.

photobooth friday: new love, old love

young love. photos taken on the brief break while john was home between trips to kosovo. newly married. scary world times. deliriously happy yet bittersweet, as he was about to board a plane and be shipped off to stay in kosovo for a good portion of a year. 11/03/01. at least we found the time to jump in a photobooth at the mall before he left. eeks.

just found these photos the other day tucked in among a stack of old "war" letters between john and i. distance. sadness. happiness. i was so glad to find these. so glad we kept these letters. although i'm not sure most are fit for reading by our kids or anyone else. it's something we'll always have for each other. kind of like the reagans. except not.

old love. laugh lines, saggy baggies, puff rice (what we endearingly call our puffy bags under our eyes- then proceed to pretend to pour milk on each other's, and then eat each other's puffed rice with pretend spoons). marriage. kids. busy-ness. missing each other even when we're together. crazy young parents. building a beautiful life. love you piashire.

as i was just writing this, gray is sitting on my bed, asking me "mami, which designer do you like? which designer, mami?" she's obviously been sneaking more project runway behind my back.

happy friday everyone, and happy birthday to acumama and boho and pixie!

things i stinkin' love thursday

wed. nights and wine

sitting around crying and laughing and snuggling with pillows with jess

making voice overs for bad tv when we have it on mute

fresh basil and tomatoes and mozzarella and olive oil on crusty bread, baked

indian food, and more crying

watching gray pee on the mini toilet at school- both horrifying (germ-wise- she sits on the porceilan bowl part) and heartbreakingly the-cutest-thing-ever at the same time. all the wee ones pull down their pants, pee, and flush while chatting about their panties and who should get the turn to flush, etc.

new earrings for the rehearsal dinner tomorrow night. i.am.not.an.earring.girl.! femiknit, don't laugh! you and john traumatized me from the last time i tried to wear earrings! this time i'm going to try to slip out of the house unnoticed. tee hee.

target trip and a new shirt

surprise meetings with my first-kiss boyfriend's mother at the gas station this morning- severe hug attacks and kisses ensued, and then she proceeded to swear that joey must be his baby because of the red hair. hum.

surprise hanging out time with dennertins today

trip to go visit steph and the babes and kissing baby toes and smelling and cradling the wees

getting free tickets to the stone zoo for a soon-to-be meetup with mindertins (fyi min- sept 27th)

meeting with the girls and the crazy kidlet crew in newburyport yesterday for parktime and oceanside time

also:

the colors of fall. nothing beats the greens and the oranges side by side. nature and its magical creations never cease to amaze me. look at this tie-dyed gourd! nature kicks ass.

knitting gray a teeny little scarf to wear to school, as if her teachers already didn't think we're a freaky bunch already. scarf power! fall power!

and to top off the list, a little butthole tree- just to make you smile.

self portrait challenge: me with my number two

me. my baby boy. pickin' apples in the orchard. the first bite. the first pucker. falling in love with fall.

it's no secret that grace was a challenging wee one. she was demanding, cranky, high maintenance in that i-can't-get-enough of her kind of way. she's always had a strong personality from the start. but at some point, i thought for sure that i was meant to be the mama of just one wee one. i couldn't certainly parent two of these strong-willed, challenging babes, now could i? people started asking when i was going to have number two, and my answer slowly became, "no number two for us." as grace got older, and cooler, and more independent (almost too independent!)- i had a change of heart. i wanted another bean! and then came joey. my number two. my baby boy. every single time i look at him, i think "thank god we had him! what if we never had him?!?" i'm not kidding you, i think this every time. he's so different than anything i could have ever expected. bright red hair. rosy cheeks (well, today after being in the cold at least), the fairest complextion, the fattest legs. sweet, kind, complacent pummie. and there's room for him to change and grow, to be needy and high maintenance, too. i've changed as a mama...much more relaxed now i think. not much phases me anymore. not quite sure about number three...i may leave that up to my more prolific mama friends. but i sure am glad that joe is my number two.


love how he's grabbing my superhero necklace- superhero powers by osmosis? although i'm not loving the fact that he's broken two of my necklaces in the past two weeks, one of which i made myself. will i ever learn?

5 years and a life list

five years have passed since september 11th, and the pain is still as real as the day it happened for me. still remember being separated from my husband, with no contact, and receiving a phone call from my mother. still remember crying listening to the radio driving to my st. ann's interview, getting the job because i was crying during the interview, explaining my husband was in the army and i was separated from him and had no contact. getting phone calls from military wives telling me everything and nothing. watching the news. nightmares. nightmares while being awake.

my dear, dear friend's father died that day. on a plane leaving boston. headed to ny. today i think about mr. waldi. and everyone. i light a candle for everyone touched.

in this spirit, today i also think about life. boo and i, sometime last week, sat down by the ocean and wrote our life lists. things that we'd like to accomplish on our short stay on this planet.

here is mine-

life list:

1. go to ayers rock
2. eat gelato in italy
3. hike the applachian trail
4. attend 50 births
5. become a reiki master
6. eat 100% organic
7. be a surrogate mother
8. become a nurse midwife
9. learn to identify trees and herbs
10. smoke marijuana for healing purposes (tee hee)
11. repierce my nose
12. join a CSA
13. become a JP
14. join a drumming circle
15. use natural toothpaste
16. be a nude model for an art class
17. practice yoga
18. find a spiritual mentor
19. have accupuncture treatments
20. live in ithaca
21. live in a created commune
22. have a cat
23. own a cabin/cottage/hut getaway


show me yours and i'll show you mine. what's your life list, my bloggie friend?

weekend snippets

this is how i spent eight straight hours of my day yesterday- with two of my favorite engaged ladies- on the brink (like in-exactly-one-week brink) of getting married. aah yes, massachusetts is a glorious state, where my dear ones can actually get married like they should be able to! so we glittered and embossed and placecard-created at my table, on top of junk political ads, for eight hours. luckily, i was in good company, and there were plenty of grapes and cheese and spinach pie pieces to go 'round, keeping us in relatively good spirits. at the end of it all, we were covered in glitter and all crafted out.

sparkly politicslove the coffee in the backpack- it was empty, and not mine- but it's still funny. also sporting newly cut bangs for upcoming jo*lib wedding, where i'm part of the ceremony, and don't want people to gasp in horror when they see my growing-out fringies.

today was spent riding around on tractors, eating apples, picking apples, eating apple cider donuts, walking around a park, playing baseball, going to the farm. usual fall gilbert fun activities. joey was enamoured with the hayride. the farmer had a crush on gray that was sort of pervish. it was sweater weather. i'm feeling more like myself.



john dressed like a hippie today just to make me even more happier than i was- he wore clogs and everything.

happy weekend, happy life.

ps- emily and boo, i want to be with you! i'm crying i miss you so bad.

photobooth friday: the 'no memories' edition

i've been known to state, on many occasions, that "i have no memories." i have a really bad memory. which is maybe why i tend to write things down, save 'to do' lists, grocery lists, little tidbits of my day, just to refer back to someday. well, when i was digging through my history this morning looking for a little bit of photobooth love, i stumbled upon this recent-ish journal and found this little strip, glued in among to do lists, to buy lists, supermarket lists, old reciepts. but here's the catch- i have no memories of this ever happening. strange. it features yours truly and my dad's girlfriend's son (lost yet?). i have no recollection of ever going to the beach with him (i'm assuming this is where it was taken). i have no memories of this. granted, i was living with my dad at the time- my husband deployed to kosovo, us living apart for 10 months. sept. 11th happened. i was a mess, on anti-anxiety meds just to get through my day working at a school for extremely troubled youth, the c-word and the b-word being thrown around like nothing at me all day long (mindertins, you know what this is all about!). anywho, that's my photobooth friday. here i am. stuck in a booth with someone, and not remembering why. my life is so much better than it was then. photobooths equal perspective.

the end.

thank you for being part of my wheel of love

i took a chance...put my raw emotions out there, a sort-of secret call for help. i took a spin on my own bloggie wheel of love, and what came back is awe-inspiring. thank you dear friends for holding me up, and each taking a piece of my stress/anxiety/ailment- and making it disappear. i'm still hyper emotional (new territory for me), raw, tired-to-the-bone. but learning how to breathe through it. live through it. not just live like "i have a pulse" live, but to take each bitter moment and live through it until i taste the sweet.

if i had a link or a copy of the alexi murdoch song "breathe"...or the lyrics...i'd post it. i keep hearing this song, and i keep crying. bittersweet tears of loving and longing. i want to play this song on repeat in my brain forever. "keep your head above water, but don't forget to breathe"- i could cry right now writing this.

thank you for all the emails and links and suggestions. each one of you is a purifying smudge (thanks name) stick of love.

trying to heal

so here it is....my brainstorm. yes, it's 6am- but when else is a mama of two rambunctious toddlerpeople supposed to get her thoughts straight? lately i've been feeling- how shall i say it- not quite right. a little off balance. (not mentally though. suprisingly i feel ok mentally. all squared away.) but physically, especially for these last couple of days, i felt like a big steaming piece of poo. first it was a head cold. then it was a throaty thingie. now it's a fatass headache and lower abdominal pains and urinary-ish pains (anyone who's ever had this knows exactly what i'm talking about). and i'm bloated. not period-style bloated, mind-you, but big, distended, crampy, sickly bloated. oh yeah, and i just want to go to bed every night at 7pm (about an hour earlier than i usually find myself wanting to go to bed- around 8pm.) hum.

so what gives, you ask? first i wrote it off as 'change of seasons'. i'm usually a pretty sensitive girl who doesn't do well with change, and my body has always responded during the change of seasons. but this isn't my usual sneezing-for-a-day change of season thing.

i'm lying in bed early this morning thinking about what's causing all these imbalances. and call me crazy- but here we go- i think i'm all messed up because i'm storing all these toxic emotions that i'm feeling for other people. right now my life is great, no problems, no stress. but two of my most dearest loved ones are going through some really bad relationship stuff- catacylsmic stuff. and as a confidant (if you are reading this dear loved ones- if you take this as 'i'm not talking to you anymore because i'm making you sick'- i'm seriously going to kill you) and an empath, i tend to internalize all this stuff and not know what to do with it. oh yeah, and on top of this, my other dearest of dear fetus friends is in the hospital- so i can't stop thinking about that, worrying about her, being away from her babies.and i think that my body is just screaming at me to find a way to purge all these feelings. please help! what the hell can i do?

this weekend, on the other hand, with completely blissful. friday night we all put on big comfy sweatshirts and trucked to the beach- and the arcade. hot pizza and cannolis in the car. is there a better food combination, i ask you? and then saturday (cold chilly windy) we took a drive to ipswich, rockport, gloucester- and took the kids to the place where john and i had our first date- halibut point. we climbed the rocks out into the turbulent ocean (yes, potentially dangerous with wee ones- but SO worth it) and searched through tide pools and learned about our ocean friends. and then went to a seafood place and ate them (eeks!). but seriously- hot seafood, cold blustery day? home afterwards for a big pot of chicken soup simmering on the stove. sunday was dinner with name- chalkboard advertising our menu and all. lots of fresh herbs from the garden used in the fare. boo cooking away and making a deeeelicious meal. and monday was taking pummie to maudslay state park in newburyport for a walk and a picnic in our secret garden. yesterday was gray's first day of school. i may have said this before, but- i.do.not.cry.all.that.often. and i didn't think i was all that emotional about dropping her off at school. but when we got there, seeing her with her little lunchbox and leaving her- just leaving- i got into the car and bawled my eyes out. and when i went to pick her up after only three measely hours, i peeked into the classroom, and there's my small hippie daughter, halfway participating in the song, but mostly wandering around checking out the toys and being her usual unfocused self- i lost it again. just lost it. it's just that i'm so damn proud. she's a person. she's a person! separate. it's so bittersweet. one of the teachers came out into the hallway and said "grace is just the sweetest- she really earned an extra star today. some of the little boys were having a tough time, and grace tried her best to cheer them up- offering them toys, saying 'maybe this will help make you feel better'. she's just a sweet girl." ugh. more crying.

anyway, thanks for listening to this rant of a post. it's all over the place. i'm all over the place. any healing advice will be gladly welcomed!

self portrait challenge: with someone

me with julie and dick.

this record is saving my life. for some reason, gray has taken to mary poppins something fierce. i did not implant this love in her. she actually doesn't even watch the movie much, as it sort of drags for a three year old. but she loves the music. loves the excitement of the cartoonish parts. loves good ole julie and dick (mary and bert). at any time during the day, you can catch gray saying "i really love bert" or "i'm mary- only call me mary!".

so i put my intentions out into the universe and asked for an original mary poppins record (to play on my new record player, of course) to make it's way to me. the prices for shipping on ebay were just downright ridonkulous. and lo and behold, a couple of weeks- no, days, later, my dad picked up a huuuge box of records for me, all eagles and three dog night and joe cocker, and guess what's sandwiched in among the goodies- yup, mary poppins. so it's been nonstoppoppins around here in ninabeanaland. gray is happy. i'm happy. even joey likes to shake the maracas or strum on the mini ukelele. life is good. julie and dick- i love you.

and my final offering

today i offer you-
baby feet.

because who doesn't love baby feet?

another offering

today i offer you:

petals among the gravel
wisps of sweet smelling smoke
candles keeping your heart warm
cozy quilts and blankets
your favorite movie keeping you company
scented showers
bottomless cup of coffee
a walk among the rocks
tidepools filled with treasures
comforting conversations
deep peace

an offering

today i offer you:

a handful of wildflowers
a walk with a loved one
holding hands wearing sweatshirts
the ocean breeze
a lovingly cooked bowl of chicken soup
bakery fresh bread
a kiss
a hug
a blessing


happy weekend

those were the days: photobooth friday

nina and janessa

oooh, flipping the bird is something i usually don't do- but i guess i got photobooth anxiety and tried desperately to think of something cool to do, and unfortunately this was what i came up with. high school. beach cottage days. nose piercing. hippie shirts and necklaces. bad relationships. experimenting. bowls on boobies. polaroids in the shower. those were the days. love janessa's pose in the second one. j. just got married to her longtime love and lives in cali...i'm not currently in contact with her but i've heard it through the grapevine that she had 1. the best wedding ever and 2. is one happy happy woman. so i'm happy for her!

happy photobooth friday dear peeps.