::breathing into the pain::

So I tweaked my shoulder.  It might've been that sneezing fit the other night, when I sneezed approximately 50,000 times in a row.  Whatever the cause, physical pain is no joke. My body has been good to me and I'm usually injury and pain free, but it's tweaks like this that make me want to curl up in bed and shut down.  It's been making me think about my clients and how lots of them deal with chronic pain on a daily basis.  People come to me broken and begging for relief.  I do my best but sometimes the cause of the pain just doesn't want to budge.

But pain can be a teacher if we allow it.

Wait, what?  It's not easy.  My temptation is to try to fix it, and fast.  Slathering on oils, balms, stretching...anything that will make the pain disappear.  But what if there was something else that could facilitate the healing?  Healing from the inside out?

Which brings me to my point----breath.  I've been thinking so much about deep breathing lately and while laying in bed with the heating pad on my neck and shoulders, I read this quote::

"Put your hand on the affected area, take a few breaths while you let your hand warm up, and ask for focus:  What do you need from me now?  What step can I take to help?  Let the pain speak.  You might get an odd little flash:  Rest.  Stretch.  Stop sitting with your legs crossed.  When I first started doing this, my self-talk would get in the way-- I can't do this;  it's delusional talking to myself--but when I'd shut up and listen, I'd usually hear something.  Keep asking:  What do you need?  Get quiet and listen for a response.  It might take a minute or two, or five or six days, but if you start to ask, you can regain that natural, healthy internal communication. 

Get curious about what you can learn from your pain.  A plant has a taproot--one primary, big deep root--and lots of secondary roots.  You don't have to find all those smaller roots, but you do need to find the taproot of your pain.  Discover, go deep, and shift.  What does the area in pain need?  How can you give your pain a voice, and then offer it what it needs?" 

-- Ana T. Forrest, Fierce Medicine

So instead of fighting against the pain, I've been trying to ask my body what it needs.  I've been working hard to send the whole area deep, cleansing breaths.  Instead of pushing the pain away, I've been welcoming it in and seeing where it takes me.

Let's be clear...I still think pain is a giant pain in the ass, but until I'm 100% cool with the lessons it has to teach me, I'm just going to keep sending it breaths.

xo

::give love::

Give love::  so simple, and yet so important.  It should be effortless-- yet sometimes it's the most difficult thing to do.  It's my mantra every day---Want to feel good?  Give love.  Having a bad day?  Give love.  Feeling worn thin and overwhelmed?  Give love. 

I've had this song by MC Yogi on repeat.  Here are some of the lyrics-
-----
Love is the answer, love is the key, love is the glue between you and me
Open up your heart and you will see, love is the thing that'll set you free
'Cause love is the remedy love is the cure, love is the only thing that'll stop the war
It's what the whole world is looking for, so what in the world are you waiting for
Give love, give love away
Give love, give love away
Give love, give love away now
Give love, give love away
Give love to your brother, love to your father, love to your mother, your sons, and your daughters
Give love to your sisters and all your friends, shine your love in all directions
----

Today, and every day.
Give love.

::what a year brings::

In my Facebook memories from a year ago, one of my blog posts popped up.  A year ago today, we were settling into the unknowns after John's pulmonary emboli.  We had so many questions about what our future would look like, and we were trying so hard to have faith and enjoy the days.  We were looking forward to the November ahead---to Thanksgiving, to hockey games, family parties.  I was awaiting the results of the second embryo transfer.

These are some of the words I wrote a year ago today:

"Today, I light a candle, and sit in ceremony, reflecting.  I'll gather with friends for an Indian lunch.  I'll go thrifting.  I'll go to a parent-teacher conference.  But through it all, I'll hold this feeling close---this unknowing, this beautiful jumping-off-the-edge feeling that starts it all."

It's wild to think how little has changed in a year.  We're still in a holding pattern as far as the future in regards to John's job.  We are still looking forward to all the same things, and filling our days with all the same things that we love.  The only difference is that I grew and gave birth to a beautiful baby for an incredible couple!

There's been an insane amount of growth and learning that's happened during these 12 months.  We've learned the ultimate lesson in patience.  We've learned the hard way that things don't always go as planned.  That life throws curveballs when you least expect it.  But the bottom line remains the same--- we circle, we take care of each other, we check in.  We have low moments, we check out, we're human.  We rise up again, we wait, we rally.  It's cyclical, and maddening, and full of bright moments. 

deep sleep...

Evidently my blog has been experiencing a bit of "Deep Sleep" these past couple of sultry, summery months!  And now it's time to transition to my absolute most favorite time of the year--- a time filled with steaming cups of tea, hula hooping in the backyard while the leaves fall, trips to the orchard, homemade treats, cozy decorations---I could go on and on!  With the kids back at school, there will be more moments for self care as well as more time to sink myself back into work and volunteering. There will also be the hustle and bustle that hockey season brings, as well as the celebrations, afterschool activities, and all the other stuff that comes along with the craziness of having three kids in three different schools in town.  Deeeeeep breaths...

This summer was incredible in so many ways, but it was also difficult---healing from the c-section took much longer than I anticipated, and as soon as I started feeling more human, it was time to slap on a bathing suit and prance my postnatal body around the beach while we were on vacation.  There's nothing more humbling that putting on a bathing suit after having a baby, especially when that cute baby isn't around to hide behind!  I got my fair share of "So when are you due?"s (you know, AFTER the baby was born) and as cool as I'd like to say that I am with my ever-changing body, each one was tough to swallow.  But I'm finally feeling closer to back to normal, and looking forward to getting back on track now that the season of frosty summery drinks and kielbasa has passed ;)

For lots of us, back to school means back to routine, and the most favorite part of our bedtime routine is Deep Sleep.  Our bedtimes shift back to a more decent hour, and we use this blend called "Deep Sleep" that I created to assist us not only in falling asleep, but staying asleep once we're there!  It's made with lavender, cedarwood and vanilla essential oils.  It's necessary in these parts.  I just made up a batch for our bedside tables---if you're like one too, message me. Take care of yourselves during this transition---it can be a little funky for some of us. Carve out some time for self care...it's important! xo

*Belly Breaths* and connecting

Some of the most incredible things that have been happening in my life lately are the opportunities that keep arising for me to hold space for people.  It's one of my favorite things, and not something I take lightly.  Each day, I wake up to emails and messages from people that I love, and some who I've yet to even meet yet, sharing stories and reaching out.  Asking for help, and advocating for themselves and their loved ones.  Searching for comfort.  It's a beautiful thing.  Through developing my own line of essential oil mists and roll-ons, I've been able to strengthen these connections.  I love helping people connect to blends (or pure oils) that will support them through whatever they may be dealing with in their lives. 

Because it's no secret, party people...life is freaking hard sometimes.  And plant medicine is here to help!

The best part of it is is that most of the time, I'm developing these blends for myself, or my family, first.  I love having these plant tools at my fingertips to help ease and soothe.  Lately my favorite, most comforting oils have been sandalwood (on my arms and in a diffuser necklace), frankincense every morning on my third eye and throat chakras (and the back on my neck), InTune on my temples and neck, and Forgive in the diffuser. As much as I always have a hard time nailing down which oils are my favorites, I'd have to say these four are on the heaviest rotation right now.  Lulu loves wild orange and goes to it first every time.  Johnny is a vetiver guy.  The other two kids have a love/hate relationship with oils but are always willing to give anything a try if they are desperate enough ;)

Creating my own blends and custom blends for people gives me the freedom to explore and play, which is my favorite part.  For example, I created Belly Breaths because lots of friends were reaching out to me about overwhelming feelings of anxiety. My son deals with crippling anxiety almost on a daily basis, so I knew that I needed to formulate something that would help him, too.  Belly Breaths is created with a blend of frankincense, marjoram, geranium, clary sage, and wild orange essential oils in a base of fractionated coconut oil, with floating pieces of citrine for added anxiety support.  The blend also helps with hormonal headaches and monthly cramps, added bonus!  (*If you or someone you love would like to try the blend, please reach out to me.  It's $10 local delivery and $12.50 shipped US).  I love hearing feedback and stories so please share if you feel inclined!

If there's something else you'd like to try, or if you'd like to explore essential oils in general with me, please reach out.  If you're struggling and feeling down, I encourage you to reach out to a friend or someone safe instead of shutting down and closing off.  Sometimes human connection is the best gift we can give ourselves in times of struggle.  xo

::springtime pest mist recipe::

With tick and mosquito season quickly approaching in New England, I thought it might be helpful to share how to create your own anti-pest mist with all natural essential oils!  Essential oils are something we're very passionate about in our family, because they are effective, safe, and toxin-free.  This mist can be sprayed directly on the body and clothing, used on children, and also sprayed directly on pets.

Springtime Pest Mist

In a 4 oz. amber spray bottle, combine the following:

*15 drops of lemongrass essential oil
*15 drops of eucalyptus essential oil
*5 drops of melaluca (tea tree) essential oil
*Top off bottle with distilled water

Make sure to shake well before every application.  Before venturing out into the woods, spray your shoes, pants, socks, and any area where the skin is exposed.  Don't forget about those pets, too! (Avoid spraying near eyes for both humans and pets).   If you have peppermint or lavender essential oils on hand, they would also make a great addition to this mist as well.  Feel free to add or subtract ingredients based on your preferences.  I make up a couple of bottles and keep one in my bag, one in the car, and one with the kids' sports equipment.  Essential oils are an incredible, plant-based way to help fight off unwanted pests this spring season!


Nina Gilbert is a Licensed Massage Therapist and Reiki Practitioner working at Body and Mind Physical Therapy and Wellness at 25 Indian Rock Road, Suite 26, in Windham NH. She's passionate about essential oils and educating people about their effectiveness.  Any questions, please contact her at bodyandmindpt2@gmail.com or check out the website at www.bodyandmindpt.com. 

spring vibes

Still here, still growing, and looking forward to really blossoming this spring!  Been feeling fantastic and constantly in awe that I'm living the life that I truly want to live----massaging at my own business in town, creating essential oil blends for my loved ones and friends, facilitating gatherings of women, cooking this baby, and educating people about therapeutic grade essential oils!  The best part is being able to connect with countless people in real life every week, sharing stories about healing and helping people on that path.  My favorite things to do are my local hippie fairy deliveries when I leave people their blends in their mailbox, or even better, get to give them a big hug during drop-off!  I had six drop-offs yesterday and felt so much gratitude with every one.

These past couple of weeks, I've been doing an intensive crash course to become a hospice volunteer.  Once I finish on Monday, I'll be trained and able to provide massage and reiki for people on hospice.  One eye-opening part of training happened last week when I had to write my own obituary!  Not something a pregnant mom of three young children felt like doing, let me tell you.  But the one thing that shone through that experience was the love that I have for my family and my community.  Not the accomplishments, not the certifications or studies.  Just love.  The last line reads "Nina was always happiest when surrounded by 'her people,' and she could often be found in the kitchen making tea and stirring a giant pot of chili".  If you know me, you know that I have a limited repertoire, and chili (and roasted potatoes) are at the top of that list ;)

It's not all roses here---these times of transition can be tough, and challenging!  I could make a list a mile long of all the things in our life that are up in the air and uncertain.  I love hearing and sharing stories about the real nitty-gritty stuff too---just yesterday over tea I was able to spill the hard stuff with a friend while simultaneously feeling grateful for her listening ear.  It's important to take the good with the bad.  Use your oils (if you have them) as tools to help you through! I know I do.  If you don't have any, or know where to start, reach out and I'll help you figure out where to begin.  I love demystifying them! 

(*I'm looking for two motivated individuals to join my oil team---I'll be there every step of the way to provide guidance and support.  And the best part is, I'm already part of an incredibly awesome and successful team---if you're interested, please message me at ninamariegilbert AT gmail DOT com so we can talk more xo*)



 

an update, a recipe, and some gratitude

Looks like I took an unintentional blogging break again, and it was absolutely not because of the aforementioned internet trolls!  I got swept away by the tide of three growing children with demanding schedules, growing this surrogate baby (I'm 18 plus weeks!), opening my own business in town, and really jumping in and learning and educating people about essential oils.  Sandwiched in there has been a healthy dose of awesome women gatherings, dates with friends, adventures with family, some birthday celebrations---all the stuff that keeps me going. 

So on to the recipe!

I've been playing with essential oils, coming up with my own mists and rollerballs for friends and family to enjoy.  Another way to play with oils and really get a sense of what I like, and what my family likes, too, is to come up with funky diffuser blends.  This one has been my most recent favorite---it's perfect for setting the mood for a good night's sleep, or just when you feel like cozying up when it's snowing outside.

::2 drops lavender
::2 drops cedarwood
::2 drops vetiver

Vetiver is a new addition to our oil collection.  We use it daily now on our skin just because it smells so great.  It has a complex aroma that we're addicted to, especially when mixed with patchouli. Vetiver is distilled from the roots of a grass, and it has a calming, grounding effect on the emotions.  (Learn more about vetiver here.)

I'm diffusing the recipe above right on top of my pellet stove right now, which is basically where I'm sitting if I'm at home.  Winter in New England makes me want to hibernate.  As much as I love these long days of snuggling, reading, and warming myself by the fire, I'm looking forward to this summer---birthing this beautiful baby and then spending the rest of the summer with my family sipping white wine on the beach with a stack of quick reads. 

If you've got a favorite diffuser recipe that you can't get enough of lately, please share!  I'd love to hear about it. 

handling hateful internet trolls with loving grace

(I am writing this blog post because I needed to read it today.  I searched around, reached out to some incredibly wise friends, but ultimately felt like I needed to write this down in order to work through it.)

First let me start off by stressing how supported and lifted up I feel by 99% of the people in my life.  There is just so much goodness, and it's overflowing daily, and that's what life is all about. I don't expect it, but when it comes, as it always does, I hope I receive it with grace.  THANK YOU to each and every one of you who took time to wish me well, light a candle, or send a loving message or text.

The reality is that every once in a while, a hateful internet troll pops up and rears their ugly head.  The saddest reality of it all that sometimes these are people that we consider loved ones---people we trust, people we care about.  This is when it hurts the most, and feels like the lowest kind of blow.  When people question your integrity, your family ideals, and point judgey-troll fingers at you and the ones you love----the first instinct is to retaliate.  Actually, my first reaction is to jump off the internet forever, and hide my family, and live in a cave filled with Reese's peanut butter cups.  But then they win.

Every single one of us out there, if we're human, can think of one these types of people.  The type who suck us dry, who drain our joy. The type who falsely accuse, the type that drama always follows.  One of the hard parts of being human means that we have to deal with these people, whether we like it or not. 

Last night I sat in church, listening to the priest talk about the pain in our life (whether it be an illness, a difficult situation, or a hateful troll----my words, not his) that ultimately equals our crosses to bear. He explained that pain isn't something that we should hide from or try to dull with drugs or alcohol. Pain exists to teach us something--- and bring us closer to our essence, and the goodness in other people.  I'm choosing to believe this.  I'm choosing to continue to do me, without apology or explanation.  I will continue to look for the good in people, and not hide or keep secret what is not shameful.  I'm choosing to connect, and not disassociate. 

I hope these words help someone feel less alone.  Especially if they have their own troll trying to bring them down.  You aren't alone.  This world is a big place, filled with trolls and angels.  Be a magnet for what you need.  And try your best not to run away to a hole filled with Halloween candy.  We all need you to do you. 

(*If you have any words of wisdom to share on this topic, I'd love to hear them!  Please comment here or reach out to me privately.  And if you are my own private troll, please feel free to keep your comments to yourself and go eat some candy xo)

the beautiful beginnings

Things are more mellow now that some weeks have passed.  There have been lots of appointments, for John and for myself.  Lots of games to get the kids to, parties to attend.  The usual hustle-and-bustle of life.  And while if given the choice of never having John deal with pulmonary emboli, I would take it in a heartbeat, the truth is that we are all really loving having him home.  Not only do we have real weekends together, but he's home at night to help with homework and bedtime and hockey practices! Now that he's home I honestly don't know how I ever did it all without him.

We're all in good spirits.  We're moving into our favorite season, the time when we make a whole bunch of kettle corn and sit in from on the TV and watch a movie together when the sun sets.  The time when we crowd around the fire.  As we move into November, we start to prepare to host Thanksgiving, our most special time.  And John will be with us, healthy and whole.  There are certainly so many things to give thanks for this year.

Tomorrow is the day we find out if the second embryo transfer took.  I've been taking it slow(er) these past two weeks, eating Halloween candy and reading some incredible books.  It's such an honor to be doing this beautiful thing---and even though the uncertainty and fear can creep up here and there, I'm trying to stay centered and focus on the gift that this experience is.  I'm learning so much about myself, even this second time around.  Tomorrow morning I will leave my house at 5am, and watch the sunrise as I drive in to the city.  A nurse will take the blood from my vein and call us later in the day and tell me if there is a child growing in me, a child belonging to people that want this more than anything.  I have such a good feeling.  Today, I light a candle, and sit in ceremony, reflecting.  I'll gather with friends for an Indian lunch.  I'll go thrifting.  I'll go to a parent-teacher conference.  But through it all, I'll hold this feeling close---this unknowing, this beautiful jumping-off-the-edge feeling that starts it all. 

*the struggle got realer*

Just when I thought I was in the trenches of real struggle in my last blog post, the struggle got so much realer, with no notice or warning.  Life has a funny way like that...just when we think we're comfortable and settling in, poof, it's flipped, and we need to find a new way of being.

Without getting into too much detail, things got real real when my husband found out that he had multiple pulmonary emboli.  You know, those little blood clots usually travel up from the legs and kill people?  Yeah, those.  Multiple of those. The good news is that he caught them in time to be put on blood thinners, and oh yeah, he's alive!  But everything else is very uncertain and raw.  Right now we're loving the fact that we're together as a family, still able to make memories and live every day to the fullest.  Almost losing someone you love has a way of putting everything into perspective.  But it's still a test.  A challenge.  These past couple of months have been filled with them, which is new for us.  We've been so lucky in our lives, never dealing with much struggle. Lately we've been tested on both personal and family levels.  But at least we can experience it, and experience it together.

I've been pulling crystals for myself and putting them in my pocket for the day.  I pull whatever feels energetically right.  I don't worry too much about their meanings, it's just a feeling.  This week citrine and rose quartz have been on heavy rotation.  Citrine absorbs, dissipates, and grounds negative energy and is a very protective stone.  It helps cleanse the chakras and creates balance.  Rose quartz is the stone of unconditional love and deep inner healing and self-love.  Used together, I feel like they might just be the powerhouse of love.  We could all use a little bit of that, don't you think? 

*trust in the stuggle*

 

 

I'm deep in the trenches of some beautiful and difficult life lessons. Mostly about the giving up of control, the surrendering.  Trusting in the struggle.  Every time I pull a tarot card for myself, there is it, this message staring right back at me----hold the course and all will be made clear with time. It's the time part that's hard--sometimes I want the answers, and I want it all to be revealed now.  Like now now. 

It's the waiting that's the struggle for me.

Is it hard for you, too?

I'm also learning things about the different ways that people show up for us in our lives.  Sometimes I'm blown away from the kindness of people----a surprise delivery of homemade blueberry muffins when I'm having a particularly weepy day.  The offer to take one of my kids who's driving me insane.  I could go on and on.  But the flipside of this beauty are the feelings of loneliness and abandonment by others in my life.  There are some roads that we must travel alone.  Sometimes the only true person that can show up for us is ourselves.  There is a deep kind of beauty in this lesson, too.  I'm trying to be patient with myself as I learn more about how I show up for others, and how others show up for me.

In the meantime, we've been finishing up the summer with lots of beach time.  Watching my children learn news skills, and keep trying.  Watching them struggle and fail and sometimes succeed.  (Surfing and skim boarding are so incredible to watch!)   My children are little parts of me walking around, teaching me.  Now that they are back to school, I'm missing them, but also trying to cherish the rare moments that we are all together.  I look forward to the lessons they have to teach me as we move forward into the Fall.

summer love

(this gorgeous heart-shaped crystal was gifted to me by Grace's bestie for my anniversary---it's so special and I'll treasure it forever!)

Summer is hands-down my most favorite season.  For us, it is a time to have long, slow days at home, doing nothing much except sharing meals together, reading, and playing video games.  The occasional dip in the pool.  Popsicles for dessert.  Sand all over the floors and wet towels strewn about the house.  It's time on the hockey ice, and time on the softball field.  It's time in the garden and time sipping iced coffees on the deck.  It's cocktails at 2pm and laying down in the AC for early bedtimes.  It's sticky, it's sweaty, it's bickering all day long.  It's dog-eared pages in books and day trips with friends.  It's you take my kids today, and then I'll take yours.  It's please stop over and eat Cheeze-Its with us on the back deck while we get eaten alive by mosquitoes.  It's piles of treasures from the beach and chocolate melting in the sun.  Grocery bills that are through the roof because we keep gathering with friends.  It's feeling like every day together is a good enough reason to celebrate.  It's about feeling good in our skins while we lounge around half-dressed.  It's feet that need pedicures, it's dirty heels and rough edges.  It's pick-up-pizza nights and eat-on-the-fly nights.  It's long days on the beach and never wanting it all to end.  It's dusty, grubby, and beautiful. 

Some people count the days until the kids go back to school but I try to savor each moment (and trust me, lots of them are really annoying moments that make me want to lock myself in my room with a good book) while I have my kids home with me.  August marks the beginning of our true vacation and I can't wait to embrace the true beach bum that I am!

Here's to summer!  xoxo 

14 years and counting

This past week Johnny and I celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary.  If you asked me when our actual wedding date is, I would say something like "Ummm, I think it's June 28th.  Or it's the 30th.  Wait...how many days are there in June?  Because maybe it's the 31st."  Even as I sit here writing this, I honestly cannot remember the date.  But the date matters less and less as time goes by.  The older we get, the prouder I am of our good solid foundation.  I try not to take it for granted.  Relationships between our friends are crumbling around us.  It's no secret that marriage, or long-term partnerships, are hard.  Like living in the trenches, tear-your-heart-out hard.  So the fact that we are still going strong after all these years...I'll celebrate.  You know, on the 28th.  Or the 30th.  Or somewhere in between.

John and I got married when we were young.  Now, with a preteen at home, it's kind of insane to me when I think that we got engaged in college and then married when we were 22.  We dated way back when----when we were Gray's age...middle school!  And yes, we have the notes to prove it.  (And yes, we've probably shown them to you while we drank cocktails together on our back deck. Sorry for that.)  The picture you see above is our only wedding photo.  Which is why it is so special to me...I would literally grab it off the wall if I had to run out of my house if it was on fire.  John made this photo for me illegally and surprised me with it on one of our anniversaries. (If we were on my deck having more cocktails, I would tell you the story about why we only have one wedding photo, which involves a sad tale about paying a photographer in full, the photographer coming and shooting the wedding, and then that photographer claiming bankruptcy and then running off with everyone's wedding photos.  But I'll spare you!)  The picture captures the essence of us perfectly---and yes, I had cornrows in my hair for my wedding, thank you very much.

I am truly grateful that I enjoy spending time with my husband.  We like each other!  I joke with my friends that we have such a good marriage because we don't get to spend a lot of time together.  (And lots of people in town joke with me that John doesn't even actually exist---he's like Sasquatch!)  When we first got married, he was in the Army and left for Kosovo for ten months.  Then it was various trainings and camps and moves here and there.  And of course I was traveling and doing my own things as well.  Now he's travelling multiple days a week and again, I've always got my own adventures that pull me away from home.  With the kids getting older, we often find ourselves splitting our time between various sporting events and other commitments.  Our time together is precious, so when we get it, we try not to squander it.  Which doesn't mean that sometimes we just crash into bed at 9pm and both look at our phones until we pass out.  There are plenty of times when we just don't have anything left to give each other.  But the key to our success is that we still just love to be around each other.  And we try not to bitch about one another, to ourselves or anyone else. We aren't perfect...far from it.  But we love.  Because love is where it's at.  xo

bear spirit and squam magic

This was the first year I attended Squam as an official part of the event management team, and let me tell you, it did not disappoint.  Being away from my day to day work and home life for eight consecutive days with little to almost no phone coverage was a challenge in and of itself, but the week flew by and was filled with lots of work, but also lots of time for soul connections and fun.  I actually partied so hard and binged on an unlimited amount of cookies and various other delicacies that I came home over three pounds heavier, happy as a clam, and in need of some major cave-time.

What I loved most about my role in behind-the-scenes Squam was being able to witness the magic from another angle.  Instead of being immersed in the magic when we arrived, we got to create it.  It felt like an incredibly special gift to be able to create "that Squam experience" for people on a blank (albeit beautiful) canvas.  While we were setting up for the first couple of days, there were many times when we paused and thought "Oh, this would be an awesome spot to set up something special so people can take pictures" or "These chairs should be closer to the fire because it's going to be cold tonight", etc.  That part was my bread and butter.  I loved watching it all unfold when people arrived.  Friendships were made, hearts cracked open, and women became vulnerable.  It just never gets old.

After work there was definitely some wine to be had, and stories to be told around the fire.  I spent some time with two decks of cards, tarot and animal medicine.  My friend and new partner-in-crime brought an animal medicine deck of cards and I felt the pull so strongly to choose a card.  A message needed to come through.  I pulled bear on the docks under the bright sun, and it was perfect.  Bear. 

Bear symbolizes strength and confidence, and leadership.  Bear spirit also signifies healing---both the healing of oneself, and using healing powers to help others.  Bear represents hunkering down, but also emergence after cave time.  Bear is there when strength is needed during times of challenge and difficulty.  Bear symbolizes the immense power of inner strength.

Bear is calling to me, and I'm answering it's call.  This Squam was a huge turning point for me, a real stepping into my power.  I love how Bear encompasses a lot of dualities----being an empath and an extroverted introvert, I get it.  I get the social time, needing to commune, and then I get the cave time, the needing to listen to my own voice.  Bear spirit speaks to me.  Squam speaks to me because it honors both sides of me.

I can't wait to see what type of magic Fall Squam brings.  xo

on tuning in, and tuning out

These past few months have been so filled with all the good stuff----parties, people, connecting, art, messes, sleepovers, dinners, dates, drinks.  The closer I get to the big 4-0, the more I crave spending time doing things that I love to do, with the people that I love to do them the most with.  John and I have officially found our favorite local hangout spot, and we try to sneak out as much as possible for real life adult dates!  It's addicting.  You know...because we can actually talk, without someone farting on us or filming their own makeup tutorial or fighting over homework or...

So pretty much the best thing ever.

The older I get, the more I literally c.r.a.v.e. listening to people's stories.  I'm that annoying person leaning on the counter at the tire shop, listening to the guy pour his guts out to me about his life story.  I try to order a coffee and the next thing I know I'm hugging people and taking numbers.  I could sit for hours and hear about why people are the way they are and why they've ended up where they are (as long as it's not past my bedtime.  And in that case, shhhhhhhhhhhh....).  I mean it though, if you've got a story to tell, come to me.  Sit down and tell it, because I'm all ears. 

In other news, gone are the days that I give a rats-ass about what people are thinking of me.  I've stopped reaching out for people's approval of my choices.  I'm all about hearing people talk, unless they're waxing poetic about why I should rethink something I've chosen to do.  It's absolutely liberating, because now there are no limits.  2015 has some big surprises on the horizon, some incredible things that I certainly wouldn't be doing if I were seeking outside approval.  There are tiny little tough moments of wondering what others will think, but I try my best to take a deep breath and let it wash over me.  Stay tuned for more on this!

I'm simultaneously tuning in, and tuning out!

++++

Now we're moving into heavy softball season.  All three kids are playing sports now---Lu's in teeball, Joey's playing spring and summer hockey, and Gray is on two softball teams.  Being a working mom who's mostly a stay-at-home mom while my husband
travels, and getting everyone where they need to be is a challenge.  Luckily I've got the best support team in town and there is always someone willing to help me split myself into three places at once.  Shout out to all my friends who save my butt on the daily!

As we finally are able to enjoy the spring weather, I'm getting ready to leave for Squam for eight days.  This will be the longest time I'll be away from the kids, as well as the longest time I've ever been at Squam.  I'm blessed to be able to be on the team this year because I believe so deeply in the beauty that is Squam Art Workshops.  I get to work (with a bit of play), doing something I love!  I long for the hustle and bustle of getting everyone settled, setting up the parties, pumping the kegs, and making the magic happen.  John and my parents will be holding down the fort while I'm gone.  All will be as it should.  All will be well.  (I keep repeating this in my head to make myself feel better). 

Off to go make a big pile of tulle into something lovely and magical!  Then headed away for the night to paint and make jewelry with friends.  It's a charmed life, I tell you.  Tell me what you've got cooking up... xoxo

vitiligo and reclaiming my leg

I've learned one thing lately----and it's DON'T ask people about their opinions about tattoos before you get them.  Don't ask them IF you should get one, don't ask them about placement, don't ask them if they like the design, if they think you'll regret it.  Just make the damn appointment and get the damn tattoo, already (that is of course, if you're into it)!  *With that being said, Auntie Nicole, I appreciate your opinions about the skull tattoos very much :) 

So, with that being said, I'm in the process of reclaiming my leg.  Ever since I was born I've had vitiligo, a skin condition that results in the absence of pigment, from my hip to my ankle on my right leg.  It's not severe, but it looks mottled and uneven, and when I jump in the ocean or get cold, the whiteness becomes super-white and the rest turns dark purple.  It shows up in pictures, and it's always been a part of me.  Coupled with some insane bow-leggedness, I've got some funky ass legs.  I can't say that I have a lot of baggage about it, but recently I started thinking about working on a "half-sleeve" on one of my thighs.  And in my head, I immediately thought, "Well, guess I only have one leg to work with...gotta go with my left".  But the more I thought about it, the more it bothered me.  Why discount a whole part of my body just because it wasn't "perfect"?  So almost on a whim (I did so some research first, I'm not that cray cray), I made a tattoo appointment, and sat my butt down and got my vitiligoed-right-leg tattooed.  I decided to reclaim it.  It's mine, it's beautiful, it's the way that I am.  And it's going to look even more awesome covered in really beautiful things that I like.  The end.

The coolest part of my first leg tattoo experience was when I told my tattoo artist about it.  And he shared a story about vitiligo and how he thinks that the white spots are beautiful.  It's his story to tell so I won't share it here, but it solidified my decision that I was on the right path.  The white spots are beautiful.  So are the dark ones.  And the spaces in between are ours to fill up the way we want.  We talked about not waiting and not worrying, not asking for permission or wondering what other people think.   I felt simultaneously really really old, and like I was just beginning something amazing.

Tattoos or no-tattoos, the lesson here is simple-----you want to do something, do it.  Nobody is going to make it happen for you.  You don't like something about yourself?  Reframe it, flip it, look at it a different way.  Color it beautiful and make it yours.  xoxo

farting in yoga

2015 is here, a new year and a fresh start.  I love the possibilities that a new year presents---12 months to pack with adventures, new experiences, mistakes, learning opportunities, and growth.  I won't set a word or intention for this year---I'm just going to try to be flexible to whatever comes my way, both the good and the bad.  We'll see how that goes.

In the meantime, here's what I'd like to discuss-----yoga.  And more specifically, farting in yoga.  Why is nobody talking about farting in yoga class?  I love yoga and I've been enjoying taking all different types of classes in the area.  But I have to be honest here----I spend seriously like 95% of class thinking about farting, obsessing about it actually.  How come nobody is farting or talking about it or obsessing about it like me?  I am fully aware that this is counterintuitive to the whole yoga thing!      It's hard to get in the zone and be present with rumbles in the jungle.

I say farting, but I think my friend describes it better when she refers to it as "air leaving the body".  It's more all-encompassing that way.

And even though nobody is obsessing about it, I like to continually bring it up to my friends and pretty much force them to talk about it.  Basically I just want them to admit that it's a real and true issue for them, too.  After birthing five babies, it's an issue that's real and present for me.  I want it to be real for other people, too.

Google it, people!  I did.  It's a real problem.

So you know what?  I will have a resolution this year.  It's not to worry about farting in yoga.  I will do my three-legged dog and see what comes my way.  I will do inversions and plow and not give one care.  And I will continually force everyone and anyone to talk about bodily functions with me, making me feel better. ;)

And if you're offended by this blog post, I'm sorry, but I'm too busy farting in yoga to care.

xo

Growing old and the great invisibility cloak

2014 was pretty much the best year ever for me.  I learned to take things in stride, to stress less, to welcome scary things (like the good kind of scary things) into my life.  I learned to stretch and grow and do all that awesome stuff that you promise yourself you'll do at the beginning of a new year.  I made a lot of milk, I had surgery on my ass, I gained a ton of weight, and recently lost a ton of weight.  I went on dates with my friends and rented a beach cottage and went on retreats and started taking yoga and spent time with my kids and read a lot of books.  And I learned the biggest lesson of all...

the older I get, the braver I get...and I am able to do so because I am becoming more and more invisible. 

Maybe 'invisible' isn't the best word for what I'm talking about.  I just find that lately I can pretty much do whatever I want, wear whatever crazy-ass gypsy outfit I dream up, and nobody cares.  I can try new things or fail or succeed or stay in bed all day long and it doesn't matter. Maybe the secret is nobody ever cared and my fear just tricked me into thinking they did.  Maybe people still care and I just don't give a shit.

Maybe the teenagers at the grocery store call me "Ma'am" and offer to load my truck up with groceries, and we all know damn well that that means I am officially getting old.

Whatever it is, it's awesome!  Like really life-changing awesome.  People don't notice me, and if they do, I don't notice or give one crap if they do!  I am free from the fear of other people judging me. 

For 2015, if I want to try it, I will!  If I want to take a siesta and do face masks and watch Girlfriend's Guide to Divorce all day I will.  If I want to wear stretch pants out in public and pretend they are real pants and, oh yeah, I'm wearing my slippers, too, then BONUS.  I'm feeling it.  I'm getting old and I'm wrapping myself up in this rad invisibility cloak and I'm going to do

WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT.

*The End*

a belly full of gratitude

The week leading up to Thanksgiving was a complete trainwreck.  The stomach bug came knocking, and took each one of us down in turn.  Most of us made it to the toilet, and some of us did not.  I had three full sleepless nights, tending to each kid as they suffered through the night.  I was sick too for eight days total but couldn't really take care of myself while spraying bleach around in a sleepless daze. 

One of the benefits is that I didn't really have a lot of time to stress about hosting Thanksgiving.  It was just something at the end of the week that I knew was coming.  I didn't take up all my china and set the table days prior like I used to.  I didn't stress that the grout wasn't clean enough in the bathroom.   I didn't obsess over the menu.  I honestly just didn't have time.

Now let me preface this little tale by saying that John was going to be away for Thanksgiving.  He left Wednesday and wasn't coming home until late Thursday night.  I wanted to host Thanksgiving anyway---since I was away in the hospital for Christmas last year, it was important to me that we be home for Thanksgiving even with John's absence.  So I asked for help.  My family is amazing and offered to pick up so much of the Thanksgiving slack so I could make the magic happen at my place----like bringing ALL the pies and the stuffing and the squash and carrots and I could go on and on.  So the load was light, which was a blessing.

Wednesday brought with it an snow storm, with really heavy snows that brought a tree down perilously close to our house.  It also caused the power to go out overnight.  I woke in the morning to a phone that had about three seconds of power left in it, and a handful of messages from neighbors offering help with the generator.  I said yes.  I needed help.  I put aside my feelings of guilt for taking away neighbors from their own families and I asked for help.  My gratitude was overflowing out of my eyeballs...I don't remember ever crying so much. 

Now don't get me wrong---I had quite the pity party Thursday morning.  No power, a big ass turkey, and no way to get the thing in the oven at 6am as planned (our generator doesn't run our oven).  A big huge mound of frozen wet snow at the end of my driveway that I was too weak to shovel (I tried...and cried).  No way for the kids to eat their Thanksgiving morning cinnamon buns or watch the parade.  My pity party was quite a sight, and in retrospect, really unnecessary.  We were still together (sort of).  We were healthy (well, sort of).  There were people crawling out of the woodwork to help us have a successful day.  While one neighbor fired up the generator (not an easy task), another plowed my driveway, and another took my kids to their house to watch the parade.  I cried in the shower, and pulled myself together.  And right as I was packing up the car with my turkey and all the fixings to move the party to another location...

the power came back on.

And we had the most perfectly imperfect day I could have ever dreamed of.  My gratitude was amplified and everything seemed a bit more rosy as usual.  My family rallied around me (I think I scared them all with my hysterical crying in the morning---they aren't used to seeing that side of me).  The tumultuous week ended in the most perfect of Thanksgivings, and for that I am eternally grateful.


*my apologies for passing on the stomach flu to a couple of beloveds!*