the beautiful beginnings

Things are more mellow now that some weeks have passed.  There have been lots of appointments, for John and for myself.  Lots of games to get the kids to, parties to attend.  The usual hustle-and-bustle of life.  And while if given the choice of never having John deal with pulmonary emboli, I would take it in a heartbeat, the truth is that we are all really loving having him home.  Not only do we have real weekends together, but he's home at night to help with homework and bedtime and hockey practices! Now that he's home I honestly don't know how I ever did it all without him.

We're all in good spirits.  We're moving into our favorite season, the time when we make a whole bunch of kettle corn and sit in from on the TV and watch a movie together when the sun sets.  The time when we crowd around the fire.  As we move into November, we start to prepare to host Thanksgiving, our most special time.  And John will be with us, healthy and whole.  There are certainly so many things to give thanks for this year.

Tomorrow is the day we find out if the second embryo transfer took.  I've been taking it slow(er) these past two weeks, eating Halloween candy and reading some incredible books.  It's such an honor to be doing this beautiful thing---and even though the uncertainty and fear can creep up here and there, I'm trying to stay centered and focus on the gift that this experience is.  I'm learning so much about myself, even this second time around.  Tomorrow morning I will leave my house at 5am, and watch the sunrise as I drive in to the city.  A nurse will take the blood from my vein and call us later in the day and tell me if there is a child growing in me, a child belonging to people that want this more than anything.  I have such a good feeling.  Today, I light a candle, and sit in ceremony, reflecting.  I'll gather with friends for an Indian lunch.  I'll go thrifting.  I'll go to a parent-teacher conference.  But through it all, I'll hold this feeling close---this unknowing, this beautiful jumping-off-the-edge feeling that starts it all.