naked

"the naked man never mislays his wallet" -japanese proverb

i'm thinking about this quote this morning. i'm not quite sure why. it's the quote from my senior year yearbook, tucked underneath my picture. which wasn't revolutionary but somewhat unconventional for my catholic all-girls high school, with me graduating with fifty something other girls. i've always loved this quote, not just because it has the word naked in it.

lately i feel the need to strip down, to clean up and organize, to make right many things that i've let slip by me for the past couple of months. like i always do at this time of year, i feel pent up, drowning in my own stuff, held back by my lists of to-do's and must sees. i need to refocus and spend more quality time actually doing the things i think about doing instead of sitting around feeling suffocated by them.

can i get a "what what!?!'

when i'm feeling like this everyone around me has the uncanny ability to make it look like they've got it all together. how is this possible? does anyone else feel like poop?

i loved kris carr's latest blog post about reprioritizing. three of her priorities that really resonate with me are:

"Replace online activities with real world actions. Call your pal rather than emailing him or her. Go out rather than getting sucked in."

if only i could eat these words, serve them up in some form that would really stick. i need a recharge. i've felt like shit since before my trip, with headaches every day, sinus crap, and stomach issues. every day i feel run down and don't feel like myself. so today's the day i'm turning it around. i'm going to start by drinking water. because for some crazy reason i've pretty much eliminated it from my diet (i usually have a glass around 4pm) so i'm going to work on that. and i may just go and get some pretty craft supplies and make a little something. and then light some candles and incense and do something fun with the kids. and maybe get some valentines. and then tonight i'm going to make a big fat meal and hang with my friends and catch up in real life. i'm going to stay up past 8pm and i'm not going to read about vampires for a change. i'm going to open up and try to feel like me again.

what what!?!

full size

this morning, at 5am, i was thinkin'. joey burst into the room in full salsa mode (and for anyone who doesn't know what this means, salsa is joey's cat alter-ego), screaming things like "PIRATE!" and "PINECONES!". then gray comes in and starts in with "joey, are you covered in pee? you're a pee head" and hops into bed too. here's what i was thinking- we have a FULL size bed. for four people...at the unsightly hour of 5am. it's mandatory cuddling. it's elbows and knees in the eyes. it's ridonkulous.

maybe someday if we live in a wee bigger house we can graduate to a queen. or maybe even a king (gasp!). but as we contemplate the possible addition of another babe to the family, how can five of us possibly fit in a full? how full is too full?

these are the things i think about at 5am.

behind the bathroom door

heard from behind the bathroom door, minutes ago, while gray was taking a poo on the loo:

"maaaaaaaaaaaaaama? why is there fairy dust on my panties?"

the things she comes up with. off to wipe some fanny. peace.

setting things straight

"The place to improve the world is first in one's own heart and head and hands." -Robert M. Pirsig

been lost in thought this week, emerging from our time away. it's been a week of contemplation, a week of digging out. a week of damage control and a week of challenges. a week of deep thoughts, of heavy boots, and of inspiration.

i'll be back soon, but for now, i'm off to nina beana land to set things straight.

also, this book has changed my life forever: what is the what by dave eggers. i can blame the majority of my absence this past week on this book. go out and get it and plan to be changed.

home again

we're home, and we're safe. thank you to everyone for your kind words of wisdom, and thanks to those who kept the kids occupied and loved while we were gone. we had an amazing time...perfect, really. but we're glad to be home, getting life back in order.

you can see our pictures here, if you'd like.


and welcome to the world dear sweet c.m.m. xx

i'm finally a woman

this morning, while discussing suitcases and packing, john was all "can't we just share a suitcase? we're only going to be gone for like two days" and i was all "no way, i'm not sharing. this is my one thing. i'm not splitting a suitcase! i'm not splitting anything! i'm filling up my whole suitcase with stuff that i'm not going to wear. a whole bunch of dresses and stuff".

a bit later, while he was in the shower, i hear john say "i'm just wondering when you became...like...a woman."


it was pretty much the quote of the year. i love it.

perspective

john butler trio- better than

All you want is
What you can't have
And if ya' just look around, man
You'll see you got magic

So just sit back and relax
Enjoy it while you still have it
Don't look back on life, man
And only see tragedy 'cause

chorus
You can be better than that
Let it get the better of you
What could be better than that?
Life's not about what's better than

You can be better than that
Let it get the better of you
What could be better than that?
Life's not about what's better

All the time while ya' lookin' away
There are things you can do, man
There's things you can say
Undo the, the ones you regret
When you're spending today
Get your gaze out tomorrow
And come what may, because

chorus

Oh, I know, sometimes
Things can get hard
But you should know, by now
They come and they go so fast
Oh, I do, why
Look to the other side 'cause I know
The grass is greener,
But just as hard to grow

So all you want is
What you can't have
And if ya' just look around, man
You'll see you got magic

So just sit back and relax
Enjoy it while you still have it
Don't look back on life, man
And only see tragedy 'cause

chorus


i'll be honest with you. i woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. i was not happy when the lights flipped on in my room at 5am. i was grouchy. my eyes were crusty. i wanted about three or four more hours of sleep. and ahead of me, all i saw was a day of being stuck in the house for the second day in a row without a car. and with two kids who will love each other one minute and then be at each other's throats another.

"i can't do this another day" i said to john.

"you can do it. you can" he says.

and then we turn the day around by dropping off our car at our rockstar mechanic and then go out for donuts and coffee. because donuts with sprinkles make everything better.

and you know what? it worked. i thought about perspective, and how lucky i am to have a house and healthy kids and incense to burn and a laptop and all these things to keep me comfortable and safe. my life isn't hard, i just had a crappy morning. in two days i'll be sunning my soul-sister-of-jennifer-love-hewitt's-butt on the beach. perspective.

which reminds me...the other day, gray says to me before school "hey mom, do you think those high school students will be lined up in the hallway today?" and i said "you mean the kindergarteners?" and she was all "yeah, same difference- high school, kindergarten".

perspective.

care to join me?

2007 was pretty freakin' rad. lots of cool stuff went down...so much so, in fact, that i cannot possibly list it all here. it was another year of staying home with the kids, watching them grow and learn about the world around them. there was a lot of time spent outside, lots of time in the garden. lots of delicious meals consumed. i was blessed with the opportunity to be present for the birth of three children. i have grown in my friendships, and grown in my relationship with my husband. i spent time with boo in NYC. we hung with our friends at lake george. i took a trip to hang with some soul sisters in woodstock, NY. we had lots of birthday celebrations. we crafted a lot and made lots of homemade gifts. we got a year older. my bum got a little bigger. joey can now speak in broken sentences. gray got smart as a whip, can almost read, broke her collarbone and got her gray tooth. our life is unpredictable, messy, carefree, full of love and bustle.

2008 promises to rock out, too. we're off at the end of the week for our second honeymoon (i'm calling it this...but really it's a "free work trip"). we may add another member to our little rockin' family. we will travel, and we may get a doggie dog with three legs. the world is open to us, if only we let go. it seems that the blogisphere is buzzing with words and phrases that people are holding on to for the new year. and my own is let go.

it never fails. if i'm feeling stressed and getting caught up in the details, i take a breath and remind myself to let go. things will fall into place perfectly. perfectly imperfect. they will happen, and they will be just as they were meant to be. and in the process, i'm better able to enjoy the experience.

so hello, 2008. i'm letting go of my expectations for you so you are fully able to do a funky booty dance in our faces.

help, i need somebody

i'm trying to be all breathe-in-breathe-out about our trip next week, but i'm nurrrrvess. i'm wondering if anyone out there in my lovely cyberspaceland can offer me any advice about leaving the kids for four days- mainly i'd like to know if anyone has a link to any good medical release forms- like the kind that say "if grace or joey need medical care person XYZ can take them to get it". i feel like there's so many things that i'm overlooking that i need to do. please peeps...help me dot my I's and cross my T's! thanks. meow.

new year, new undies

(reason #503 why i should never be allowed to homeschool my kids)


anyway, it's a new year, which evidently in nina beana land means new undies! why new undies, you ask? well, for starters, i don't think i've bought new underwear since i lived in watertown, ny what....um, about five years ago? i'm not joking. but that's cool, because i kinda like the undies i have...however worn they are. they are comfy! they fit my fanny! they are mine!

i did try to buy some underwear earlier in the year. i went to a crappy superstore and bought this megapack of undies in a size that i thought was my size. i got them home only to find out that they looked like mini thong panties and they weren't supposed to be. they didn't even cover my crack. so i hauled my underwearless butt back to the store and bought another megapack in another brand (bad move) in the same size that i wear in jeans...and i brought them home and literally unrolled the damn things and could've used them as tablecloths. i've never seen john laugh so hard in my life. they were so big, that once unrolled, they could not fit back into the package to be returned, no way, no how.

so i forgot about the underwear.

except on new years eve, when i bent over (in front of my mother in law, mind you), and my boo says to me "when the hell did you start wearing thongs?" and i'm all "i would NEVER wear thongs, are you kidding me?" and he's all "well you ARE wearing a thong" and then i reached back and felt that the elastic waistband of my favorite victoria's secret granny panny specials from 2000 had completely detached in about 100 places from the actual underwear. creating the weird not-sexy illusion of a thong.

needless to say my mother in law was not impressed.

so tonight, joey and i had a date night. i bribed him with french fries and a ride on the carousel and he let me (read: screamed "panties!" and "i want horsies!" and then had the worst poop shoot riot ever, smearing poop all over his clothes and his carriage) buy some new undies at victoria's slutty closet. twenty bucks says that none of the five pairs i got will fit.

but i tried! and i AM going on vacation next week, right? and it's a new year.

new year, new undies. my one and only resolution.

chillin'

diggin' out from the christmas aftermath. staying home for a couple of days. reorganizing. cleaning. sorting out my crazed mind. fighting off fevers today, chillin' with my gnomies. made a huge surprise new year's pre-eve dinner for the kids, who should be home shortly. cake from a box rocks when you can't pull it together to make something from scratch. anything covered in sprinklydinks is delicious, and nutritious, in my book.

big thanks to boo for drinking chocolate martinis and eating thai with me last night. i would only watch the simpsons movie with you, amigo.

tomorrow we'll be knee-deep in prime rib, red-skinned mashed, and most probably asleep by 9p! anyone want to eat veggies and dip with us? :)

this just about sums it up, yo.

joey's 2nd birthday and christmas 2007-
a crazy whirlwind for the past two weeks.
thanks for being part of the magic, peeps.

heav'nly

we are sipping hot chocolate with extra milk and cream
we are buried under piles of new things to play with
we are fighting off germs left and right, green boogers dripping everywhere and croupy coughs
we are watching season one of pee wee's playhouse
we are reading story after story
we are learning to knit, slowly, unsuccessfully, but proudly
we are learning about sharing, and having younger brothers play with your toys
we are taking sick days
we are together and overwhelmed

we will report back soon.

challenge

today, my dear friends, i challenge you to find love everywhere. even in the messy places...places like the pan of the expensive marinated chicken breasts that you cooked a little too long. even there, there is love.

off to embrace my family and my friends for a couple more days, and see the love shine. peace.

(and here's a mini shout out to karen june from simply june for her beautious package that i can't stop drooling over (need your email/snail mail)! and auntie emily! and jen! and sara and shaun! and a basket full of beautiful holiday cards! we are spoiled here in nina beanaland. thank you )

pee wee hermit

conversation with joey this morning at approximately 5am in front of the tv, watching mr. rogers-

"so joey, you seem to be diggin' this guy. do you know who he is? his name is mr. rogers."

"no mama. no. pee wee hermit. pee wee hermit."

"not even close baby. but nice try."



conversations like this make waking up at the butt crack of dawn just a bit sweeter.

words of wisdom on this snowy, snowy day

"you better believe i'm living for the moment, but the moment is the whole damn thing."
-ryan montbleau, 75 & sunny

favorite things

zap mama
flickr
insanely and inappropriately decorated sugar cookies
piles of felt
gray learning how to read
gifts sorted and ready to go
wers.org
stacks of mail in the mailbox
random acts of kindness
watching joey play with his new birthday loot
pizza at the beach with piles of frozen snow
gray calling used toilet paper rolls "eye eye captains"

these are a few of my favorite things

joseph anthony

dear joey,

you are TWO. like two as in two whole years old. i can't believe that it was two years ago that i was in the process of having you, and pushing your enormous head out of my body. and since you know how much i love you, you know that i mean this with the most love in my heart (for both you and your giant melon).

luckily you have uncle boo, who thought it was important to chronicle the happenings of the night you were born. i love to look back and remember that there was a time that you actually took up residence inside of me:

it's honestly a bit freaky.

now you are two whole years old, a bright and gentle soul who loves to snuggle and do "smoochables" with your mami. every morning you wake up and beg for snuggles. you love books, getting mail, taking care of babies, trucks, trains, and cars. you also have a soft spot for my little ponies and wearing girls' underwear. we made sure we got you some of your own for your big boy birthday, just so you have some options.

i'm so glad we had you. imagine we never had you? that would really have stunk really bad. because our lives are better because of you, and i'm not lying that every single time i look at you, i am happy that you are you. even when you are biting or snotty. i love every part of you.

happy birthday my little two-ie. xx

the bangles and a side order of poop

when i was young, the song hazy shade of winter by the bangles unfortunately got stuck in my little head on repeat, and it pretty much scarred me for life. i hardly knew any of the words, and the scary guitar opening just played over and over. i lost hours and hours of sleep every night from that damn guitar. and along with the song playing maniacally in my brain, there was a video (of my own making) playing on repeat. it involved lots of flames, and burning in hell.



the real video (which i didn't have the pleasure of seeing) is also sort of creepy.

my point? well, there's a new song in town that's ruining my life.

it's the poop song.

damn you, youtube and sarah silverman! and damn me for not thinking of this catchy little jingle first.



the part i love the most? the "you're a little flat". and the part i hate the most? that i've lost hours and hours of my precious life to this song looping over and over in my head.

letting go

yesterday was a lesson in letting go. letting go of expectations and letting go of perfection. good enough had to be ok enough for us yesterday. we made it through.

the crazy snowstorm put a wrench in joey's birthday plans, but it our little party was enough. joey was smiling, he felt special. the flakes swirled around outside and i kindly told people they should leave before it became too dangerous. we do, in fact, get together two times every week, so we will party again. joey's BFF was in the hospital, so our partners in crime weren't able to come. we worried about our baby girl, we worried about our daddy who had a five hour commute to drive 35 miles home to us .

dinner was burnt and dry. gray got kicked in the eye. i put on a grateful dead cd and pretended that i didn't stand at the sliding glass door from 2pm until 5:30pm when john came home. i kept thinking, just get him home safe. being stuck in a snowstorm is better than being in iraq so count your blessings nina beana.

sleep time was disjointed and interrupted last night. joey was scared and crying. the kids woke up at 4:30am this morning. gray lost her tv/movie privileges for today, which in effect is exactly like punishing myself. joey managed to eat a quarter of a tube of bubblegum toothpaste while i was outside cleaning off the cars. he projectile vomited bright blue bubblegum scented puke all over my van, with a side order of banana chunks.

life is not perfect or predictable. i have to let go of the expectations in order to embrace the sweetness of a bowl of m&m's waiting for me at the end of the day. i need to look past the puke to see the brightness of everything else. my family is safe. no amount of snow or shit or puke can get me down today.