on tap for the day

stuck in the muck today, home with two sick kids. there's puking, and crying, and aching. the day started at 4am. i've already ingested 10 cups of coffee. healthy choice? not so much. but it's a mama's survival mechanism, and one's that foolproof for me.

today there are movies to be watched. there is this great book to be read. and alice in wonderland to be read to the kids, and maybe a little knitting nell. classes to be applied for, and card/postcard orders to be worked on. there's sewing to be done and chicken soup to be eaten. there's beautiful bouquets of flowers to be adored and admired, and snow outside to help us realize how warm and snuggly we are inside. there's a floor strewn with matchbox cars, and blankets and the smell of throw up all around. it's one of those days. the good and the bad, all balancing out in the end.

is it 6pm yet?

vagina power

some women choose to pursue, and have the ability to push real live human beings out of their vaginas. it sounds quite raw and raunchy and just not-right seeing it written that way, but seriously…right out of their vaginas. whole heads and arms and legs and chunks of blood and placentas and other bits and pieces come out, just like it was any other day, just like it was the most normal thing ever. human beings. people. they just come on out and meet and greet the world.

as a doula i’ve had the amazing opportunity to bear witness to some of these little humans beings making their debut. some choose to come out through avenues other than the vagina. and it’s just as amazing seeing a woman opened up, and her human love child coming through her abdomen. hello world, it’s me, and i’m here to stay.

what i’m trying to say, really, is that i’m pretty much in awe of women, women’s bodies, babies being born, the strength of the human spirit, pelvic bones, the light in a mom’s eyes when they first hold their baby that they’ve worked so hard for. today i’m honoring all these moms, and all the moms-to-be, and all of us who are a product of some seriously hard and amazing birth work from our own moms.

humans are so cool.

blurs from the universe

(found this picture on my camera- don't know where i was, when i took it, what i was aiming for, but somehow it's perfect for these past couple of weeks- shiny, bright, a blur.)

the universe had a rockin' message for me today:

Yes, Nina Beana, it's time for "good news and bad news"...

You, Nina Beana Gilbert, have just been named the luckiest person alive! The absolute luckiest! No one luckier for trillions of miles!

Can you imagine? Having an advantage in all of your adventures? Good fortune smiling upon you? Joy, passion, and dreams coming true? Folks secretly admiring you from lowered sunglasses? New friends seeking you out? Massive abundance effortlessly drawn into your life? Opportunity and adventure only ever a breath away?

Wow! I'd say things are really, really going to start changing for you!!!

The "bad" news?

You only ever had to visualize.

To the bazaar -
The Universe

i have felt like the luckiest person lately. 2008 has rocked so far. i feel more deeply connected in my friendships, many that have taken a backseat during these last couple of crazy years. when i listen to people i feel like it's becoming easier to really listen instead of just hearing. i feel like things are starting to align. i feel all these things despite the severe sleep deprivation. imagine.

i was going to write a post about mamas and the power of birth and women's bodies, but right now i'm just going to say...

hi, i'm here. i'm going to celebrate tonight with a drink or two, and some leftovers. i'm putting the kids to bed, and then i'm taking the night off. a night to watch TMZ guiltlessly, sipping on a cocktail, eating ice cream soup.

i'll be back in the morn, freshly rested.

what's your one thing?

i have a new philosophy that i've been testing out these past couple of weeks, and so far, it's really been working for me. it's pretty much the simplest thing ever, and not original, but follow along if you please.

basically, every day, at the start of the day, you pick one thing.

one thing that you really would like to accomplish. throw out the long 'to do' list and set your expectations low and i promise you will succeed! sounds backwards, but at least you accomplish one rockin' thing, right?

the great thing about your one thing, it can be little, something that you tend to procrastinate. or it can be this huge random overwhelming project that you've been putting off for months. i've been trying to alternate my one things lately. one day i'll pick something so small and ridonkulous that i find myself getting up off my arse and just accomplishing it. example- cut fingernails. duh! i can do that! and all of a sudden, when i do, i feel all accomplished. fingernails cut, check.

and then other days i'll pick something more time consuming and daunting. like "make three stuffed animals for friends." or "do sunprints with the kids". or "buy a shredder and home office organizing kit and get my life in order". you know, something big. and then i just do it. because all those days that i picked something small to accomplish...they act as my little cheerleaders and then all of a sudden i feel like i can conquer the world.

fingernails today, presidency tomorrow. you get the point.

what's your one thing today?

therapy and the universe

every day, i get a little nugget of wisdom delivered to my email inbox thanks to this beautiful site. it's like a virtual fortune cookie that i open every morning. this morning's packed a punch:

Sure, Nina Beana, you can always find prettier, handsomer, skinnier, wiser, richer, younger, or zippier. But more often than not, one might learn the most, laugh the loudest, and smile the widest with those they've already found, especially when they stop looking elsewhere.

Tallyho,
The Universe



kazam!, right?

yesterday i did some ten dollar therapy and bought a big ole box of my favorite incense and a new bumper sticker for the car. and i used a gift certificate and bought a butt load of valentines for the kids and some blank cards for myself. then i lit those candles and played all the songs and did all the right things. but you know what? yesterday still sucked. last night was pretty amazing, however, sitting around the table laughing with friends. so i'll count my blessings.

but today? today's not going to suck. today is going to rock.

today is one of my favorite days of the year- the local library booksale! it's the day that i save up my extra bills and extra shovey-elbows for! i have a date with boo at some point, where we'll spend hours searching for vampire books and vintage children's books and flower identification books.

therapy, i'm telling you.

naked

"the naked man never mislays his wallet" -japanese proverb

i'm thinking about this quote this morning. i'm not quite sure why. it's the quote from my senior year yearbook, tucked underneath my picture. which wasn't revolutionary but somewhat unconventional for my catholic all-girls high school, with me graduating with fifty something other girls. i've always loved this quote, not just because it has the word naked in it.

lately i feel the need to strip down, to clean up and organize, to make right many things that i've let slip by me for the past couple of months. like i always do at this time of year, i feel pent up, drowning in my own stuff, held back by my lists of to-do's and must sees. i need to refocus and spend more quality time actually doing the things i think about doing instead of sitting around feeling suffocated by them.

can i get a "what what!?!'

when i'm feeling like this everyone around me has the uncanny ability to make it look like they've got it all together. how is this possible? does anyone else feel like poop?

i loved kris carr's latest blog post about reprioritizing. three of her priorities that really resonate with me are:

"Replace online activities with real world actions. Call your pal rather than emailing him or her. Go out rather than getting sucked in."

if only i could eat these words, serve them up in some form that would really stick. i need a recharge. i've felt like shit since before my trip, with headaches every day, sinus crap, and stomach issues. every day i feel run down and don't feel like myself. so today's the day i'm turning it around. i'm going to start by drinking water. because for some crazy reason i've pretty much eliminated it from my diet (i usually have a glass around 4pm) so i'm going to work on that. and i may just go and get some pretty craft supplies and make a little something. and then light some candles and incense and do something fun with the kids. and maybe get some valentines. and then tonight i'm going to make a big fat meal and hang with my friends and catch up in real life. i'm going to stay up past 8pm and i'm not going to read about vampires for a change. i'm going to open up and try to feel like me again.

what what!?!

full size

this morning, at 5am, i was thinkin'. joey burst into the room in full salsa mode (and for anyone who doesn't know what this means, salsa is joey's cat alter-ego), screaming things like "PIRATE!" and "PINECONES!". then gray comes in and starts in with "joey, are you covered in pee? you're a pee head" and hops into bed too. here's what i was thinking- we have a FULL size bed. for four people...at the unsightly hour of 5am. it's mandatory cuddling. it's elbows and knees in the eyes. it's ridonkulous.

maybe someday if we live in a wee bigger house we can graduate to a queen. or maybe even a king (gasp!). but as we contemplate the possible addition of another babe to the family, how can five of us possibly fit in a full? how full is too full?

these are the things i think about at 5am.

behind the bathroom door

heard from behind the bathroom door, minutes ago, while gray was taking a poo on the loo:

"maaaaaaaaaaaaaama? why is there fairy dust on my panties?"

the things she comes up with. off to wipe some fanny. peace.

setting things straight

"The place to improve the world is first in one's own heart and head and hands." -Robert M. Pirsig

been lost in thought this week, emerging from our time away. it's been a week of contemplation, a week of digging out. a week of damage control and a week of challenges. a week of deep thoughts, of heavy boots, and of inspiration.

i'll be back soon, but for now, i'm off to nina beana land to set things straight.

also, this book has changed my life forever: what is the what by dave eggers. i can blame the majority of my absence this past week on this book. go out and get it and plan to be changed.

home again

we're home, and we're safe. thank you to everyone for your kind words of wisdom, and thanks to those who kept the kids occupied and loved while we were gone. we had an amazing time...perfect, really. but we're glad to be home, getting life back in order.

you can see our pictures here, if you'd like.


and welcome to the world dear sweet c.m.m. xx

i'm finally a woman

this morning, while discussing suitcases and packing, john was all "can't we just share a suitcase? we're only going to be gone for like two days" and i was all "no way, i'm not sharing. this is my one thing. i'm not splitting a suitcase! i'm not splitting anything! i'm filling up my whole suitcase with stuff that i'm not going to wear. a whole bunch of dresses and stuff".

a bit later, while he was in the shower, i hear john say "i'm just wondering when you became...like...a woman."


it was pretty much the quote of the year. i love it.

perspective

john butler trio- better than

All you want is
What you can't have
And if ya' just look around, man
You'll see you got magic

So just sit back and relax
Enjoy it while you still have it
Don't look back on life, man
And only see tragedy 'cause

chorus
You can be better than that
Let it get the better of you
What could be better than that?
Life's not about what's better than

You can be better than that
Let it get the better of you
What could be better than that?
Life's not about what's better

All the time while ya' lookin' away
There are things you can do, man
There's things you can say
Undo the, the ones you regret
When you're spending today
Get your gaze out tomorrow
And come what may, because

chorus

Oh, I know, sometimes
Things can get hard
But you should know, by now
They come and they go so fast
Oh, I do, why
Look to the other side 'cause I know
The grass is greener,
But just as hard to grow

So all you want is
What you can't have
And if ya' just look around, man
You'll see you got magic

So just sit back and relax
Enjoy it while you still have it
Don't look back on life, man
And only see tragedy 'cause

chorus


i'll be honest with you. i woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. i was not happy when the lights flipped on in my room at 5am. i was grouchy. my eyes were crusty. i wanted about three or four more hours of sleep. and ahead of me, all i saw was a day of being stuck in the house for the second day in a row without a car. and with two kids who will love each other one minute and then be at each other's throats another.

"i can't do this another day" i said to john.

"you can do it. you can" he says.

and then we turn the day around by dropping off our car at our rockstar mechanic and then go out for donuts and coffee. because donuts with sprinkles make everything better.

and you know what? it worked. i thought about perspective, and how lucky i am to have a house and healthy kids and incense to burn and a laptop and all these things to keep me comfortable and safe. my life isn't hard, i just had a crappy morning. in two days i'll be sunning my soul-sister-of-jennifer-love-hewitt's-butt on the beach. perspective.

which reminds me...the other day, gray says to me before school "hey mom, do you think those high school students will be lined up in the hallway today?" and i said "you mean the kindergarteners?" and she was all "yeah, same difference- high school, kindergarten".

perspective.

care to join me?

2007 was pretty freakin' rad. lots of cool stuff went down...so much so, in fact, that i cannot possibly list it all here. it was another year of staying home with the kids, watching them grow and learn about the world around them. there was a lot of time spent outside, lots of time in the garden. lots of delicious meals consumed. i was blessed with the opportunity to be present for the birth of three children. i have grown in my friendships, and grown in my relationship with my husband. i spent time with boo in NYC. we hung with our friends at lake george. i took a trip to hang with some soul sisters in woodstock, NY. we had lots of birthday celebrations. we crafted a lot and made lots of homemade gifts. we got a year older. my bum got a little bigger. joey can now speak in broken sentences. gray got smart as a whip, can almost read, broke her collarbone and got her gray tooth. our life is unpredictable, messy, carefree, full of love and bustle.

2008 promises to rock out, too. we're off at the end of the week for our second honeymoon (i'm calling it this...but really it's a "free work trip"). we may add another member to our little rockin' family. we will travel, and we may get a doggie dog with three legs. the world is open to us, if only we let go. it seems that the blogisphere is buzzing with words and phrases that people are holding on to for the new year. and my own is let go.

it never fails. if i'm feeling stressed and getting caught up in the details, i take a breath and remind myself to let go. things will fall into place perfectly. perfectly imperfect. they will happen, and they will be just as they were meant to be. and in the process, i'm better able to enjoy the experience.

so hello, 2008. i'm letting go of my expectations for you so you are fully able to do a funky booty dance in our faces.

help, i need somebody

i'm trying to be all breathe-in-breathe-out about our trip next week, but i'm nurrrrvess. i'm wondering if anyone out there in my lovely cyberspaceland can offer me any advice about leaving the kids for four days- mainly i'd like to know if anyone has a link to any good medical release forms- like the kind that say "if grace or joey need medical care person XYZ can take them to get it". i feel like there's so many things that i'm overlooking that i need to do. please peeps...help me dot my I's and cross my T's! thanks. meow.

new year, new undies

(reason #503 why i should never be allowed to homeschool my kids)


anyway, it's a new year, which evidently in nina beana land means new undies! why new undies, you ask? well, for starters, i don't think i've bought new underwear since i lived in watertown, ny what....um, about five years ago? i'm not joking. but that's cool, because i kinda like the undies i have...however worn they are. they are comfy! they fit my fanny! they are mine!

i did try to buy some underwear earlier in the year. i went to a crappy superstore and bought this megapack of undies in a size that i thought was my size. i got them home only to find out that they looked like mini thong panties and they weren't supposed to be. they didn't even cover my crack. so i hauled my underwearless butt back to the store and bought another megapack in another brand (bad move) in the same size that i wear in jeans...and i brought them home and literally unrolled the damn things and could've used them as tablecloths. i've never seen john laugh so hard in my life. they were so big, that once unrolled, they could not fit back into the package to be returned, no way, no how.

so i forgot about the underwear.

except on new years eve, when i bent over (in front of my mother in law, mind you), and my boo says to me "when the hell did you start wearing thongs?" and i'm all "i would NEVER wear thongs, are you kidding me?" and he's all "well you ARE wearing a thong" and then i reached back and felt that the elastic waistband of my favorite victoria's secret granny panny specials from 2000 had completely detached in about 100 places from the actual underwear. creating the weird not-sexy illusion of a thong.

needless to say my mother in law was not impressed.

so tonight, joey and i had a date night. i bribed him with french fries and a ride on the carousel and he let me (read: screamed "panties!" and "i want horsies!" and then had the worst poop shoot riot ever, smearing poop all over his clothes and his carriage) buy some new undies at victoria's slutty closet. twenty bucks says that none of the five pairs i got will fit.

but i tried! and i AM going on vacation next week, right? and it's a new year.

new year, new undies. my one and only resolution.

chillin'

diggin' out from the christmas aftermath. staying home for a couple of days. reorganizing. cleaning. sorting out my crazed mind. fighting off fevers today, chillin' with my gnomies. made a huge surprise new year's pre-eve dinner for the kids, who should be home shortly. cake from a box rocks when you can't pull it together to make something from scratch. anything covered in sprinklydinks is delicious, and nutritious, in my book.

big thanks to boo for drinking chocolate martinis and eating thai with me last night. i would only watch the simpsons movie with you, amigo.

tomorrow we'll be knee-deep in prime rib, red-skinned mashed, and most probably asleep by 9p! anyone want to eat veggies and dip with us? :)

this just about sums it up, yo.

joey's 2nd birthday and christmas 2007-
a crazy whirlwind for the past two weeks.
thanks for being part of the magic, peeps.

heav'nly

we are sipping hot chocolate with extra milk and cream
we are buried under piles of new things to play with
we are fighting off germs left and right, green boogers dripping everywhere and croupy coughs
we are watching season one of pee wee's playhouse
we are reading story after story
we are learning to knit, slowly, unsuccessfully, but proudly
we are learning about sharing, and having younger brothers play with your toys
we are taking sick days
we are together and overwhelmed

we will report back soon.

challenge

today, my dear friends, i challenge you to find love everywhere. even in the messy places...places like the pan of the expensive marinated chicken breasts that you cooked a little too long. even there, there is love.

off to embrace my family and my friends for a couple more days, and see the love shine. peace.

(and here's a mini shout out to karen june from simply june for her beautious package that i can't stop drooling over (need your email/snail mail)! and auntie emily! and jen! and sara and shaun! and a basket full of beautiful holiday cards! we are spoiled here in nina beanaland. thank you )

pee wee hermit

conversation with joey this morning at approximately 5am in front of the tv, watching mr. rogers-

"so joey, you seem to be diggin' this guy. do you know who he is? his name is mr. rogers."

"no mama. no. pee wee hermit. pee wee hermit."

"not even close baby. but nice try."



conversations like this make waking up at the butt crack of dawn just a bit sweeter.

words of wisdom on this snowy, snowy day

"you better believe i'm living for the moment, but the moment is the whole damn thing."
-ryan montbleau, 75 & sunny

favorite things

zap mama
flickr
insanely and inappropriately decorated sugar cookies
piles of felt
gray learning how to read
gifts sorted and ready to go
wers.org
stacks of mail in the mailbox
random acts of kindness
watching joey play with his new birthday loot
pizza at the beach with piles of frozen snow
gray calling used toilet paper rolls "eye eye captains"

these are a few of my favorite things

joseph anthony

dear joey,

you are TWO. like two as in two whole years old. i can't believe that it was two years ago that i was in the process of having you, and pushing your enormous head out of my body. and since you know how much i love you, you know that i mean this with the most love in my heart (for both you and your giant melon).

luckily you have uncle boo, who thought it was important to chronicle the happenings of the night you were born. i love to look back and remember that there was a time that you actually took up residence inside of me:

it's honestly a bit freaky.

now you are two whole years old, a bright and gentle soul who loves to snuggle and do "smoochables" with your mami. every morning you wake up and beg for snuggles. you love books, getting mail, taking care of babies, trucks, trains, and cars. you also have a soft spot for my little ponies and wearing girls' underwear. we made sure we got you some of your own for your big boy birthday, just so you have some options.

i'm so glad we had you. imagine we never had you? that would really have stunk really bad. because our lives are better because of you, and i'm not lying that every single time i look at you, i am happy that you are you. even when you are biting or snotty. i love every part of you.

happy birthday my little two-ie. xx

the bangles and a side order of poop

when i was young, the song hazy shade of winter by the bangles unfortunately got stuck in my little head on repeat, and it pretty much scarred me for life. i hardly knew any of the words, and the scary guitar opening just played over and over. i lost hours and hours of sleep every night from that damn guitar. and along with the song playing maniacally in my brain, there was a video (of my own making) playing on repeat. it involved lots of flames, and burning in hell.



the real video (which i didn't have the pleasure of seeing) is also sort of creepy.

my point? well, there's a new song in town that's ruining my life.

it's the poop song.

damn you, youtube and sarah silverman! and damn me for not thinking of this catchy little jingle first.



the part i love the most? the "you're a little flat". and the part i hate the most? that i've lost hours and hours of my precious life to this song looping over and over in my head.

letting go

yesterday was a lesson in letting go. letting go of expectations and letting go of perfection. good enough had to be ok enough for us yesterday. we made it through.

the crazy snowstorm put a wrench in joey's birthday plans, but it our little party was enough. joey was smiling, he felt special. the flakes swirled around outside and i kindly told people they should leave before it became too dangerous. we do, in fact, get together two times every week, so we will party again. joey's BFF was in the hospital, so our partners in crime weren't able to come. we worried about our baby girl, we worried about our daddy who had a five hour commute to drive 35 miles home to us .

dinner was burnt and dry. gray got kicked in the eye. i put on a grateful dead cd and pretended that i didn't stand at the sliding glass door from 2pm until 5:30pm when john came home. i kept thinking, just get him home safe. being stuck in a snowstorm is better than being in iraq so count your blessings nina beana.

sleep time was disjointed and interrupted last night. joey was scared and crying. the kids woke up at 4:30am this morning. gray lost her tv/movie privileges for today, which in effect is exactly like punishing myself. joey managed to eat a quarter of a tube of bubblegum toothpaste while i was outside cleaning off the cars. he projectile vomited bright blue bubblegum scented puke all over my van, with a side order of banana chunks.

life is not perfect or predictable. i have to let go of the expectations in order to embrace the sweetness of a bowl of m&m's waiting for me at the end of the day. i need to look past the puke to see the brightness of everything else. my family is safe. no amount of snow or shit or puke can get me down today.

birthday beat downs and a butt load of goldfish crackers

these kids have been keeping me b.u.s.y., hence the absence. little things like emails and phone calls to return seem overwhelming. i am knee-deep in pajamas, clean laundry waiting to be folded, homemade sugar cookie dough waiting to be rolled and cookie-cuttered, and approximately $234 worth of goldfish, puffs, and pirates booty for our little pre-snow joey celebration today.

you see, gray makes OUT when it comes to birthdays. may 21st is pretty much the best day ever to have a birthday at our house, because it's finally spring, and we can get outside, turn on the grill and have 80 of our closest peeps over to paaaaahty. but joey, not so much making out in the birthday department. december 15th is not the best time for a birthday- everyone is tired and holiday-ed out and overwhelmed and crunched for time. so last year was a crap shoot for joey, but he was too young to know or care.

but this year i'm determined to throw lots of money into diego snacks and juice box crack to make my two year old guy feel special. today we'll celebrate with some buddies, which will most likely result in blood, sweat, tears, and lots of cupcake and frosting being smashed into my newly washed bedsheets upstairs. and this weekend we'll gather to sing happy birthday, only to have joey scream "NO! BIRTHDAY! NO!".

there's just something about that song, all that attention, that he can't deal with. it's too much. the happy birthday song causes him to lash out in a two year old frenzy, hitting everything within hitting distance. as horrible as it is, i find it amusing, precious, and perfect. i'll be catching it on video later for your viewing pleasure. stay tuned.

xx

t'is the season for chopping locks

want to see the madness that is me staying up after my bedtime? i fly across the city in my minivan, blasting the music because i don't have any kids in the backseat. i have a delicious cocktail and then take a very sharp pair of scissors to a dear friend's head and start chopping. i pretend that i am a hairstylist, and hope that i sort of am by default because i do work in a salon, right? that's got to count for something? we laugh at hair, we laugh at hairy backs, we laugh at cat toys that look like sex toys. we act like silly girls, which is what we both need. we take pictures and laugh because the toilet is clogged. i get carried away and chop into my finger with a very sharp pair of scissors. i get carried away because the sound of the chopping is addictive and mesmerizing. we cut off all my friend's hair by channeling the spirit of the l word, and use pictures for reference. and at the end of the night, i get accosted in the street and get saved by my dear friend blowing her equivalent of a rape whistle- her plaid-pants-butt screaming and whistling for the man to leave me alone.

overall, a perfect night.

and if i do say so myself, it's a pretty hott haircut.

see all the fun goodness here.

new souls and old souls

with the rush and bustle of the impending holiday season, we've been ruminating on how many people get caught up in the to-do's, the what-to-buy's, and the do-this-do-that's. this weekend was the perfect lesson in letting go, of embracing time without any major plans, of taking it s.l.o.w. of thinking about the real reason for the season, which in our family is family, caring, and taking caramel. so we did just that- a little bit of homemade cheesecake with blueberry sauce made by johnny, a serious breakfast of biscuits and gravy, some crafting and wine drinking on the couch, snuggling under quilts, the occasional bash in the face by a sibling's fist, and driving around listening to christmas music, ruminating.

because that's what we do around here. we ruminate.

so as part of our plan to get to the real roots of the holiday season, a dear friend and i packed up our six little ones into our vans this morning and went to the local nursing home armed with bags of homemade (sort of) christmas cards and sun-catchers for each of the elderly peeps chillin' in their chairs. (i wish i could take credit for this amazing idea but it was all shannon...i would never have the balls to take six kids four and under into a quiet nursing home if it weren't for her!) the kids were great (except for that little incident with the nursing home christmas tree...the broken glass...oh, and the poop covered teddy bear- but that's another story for another day!) and the peeps seemed to genuinely love their cards and catchers. i pretty much felt like the biggest hippies ever busting into the activity room, babes on hips with our brood doling out the homemade goods. there were some serious smiles that made it all worth it- the eyes lighting up at the babies doing good. the good old souls admiring the good new souls. but it also made me realize that for some, growing old is not graceful, it is not peaceful, and it is not fun. the poor woman screaming at our kids "stop picking your nose! stop picking your nose...that is GROSS!". it would be easy to write her off as a grumpy old soul but she needed her sun-catcher too, even if it was covered in snots and baby drool and dried bran flakes. today made me remember my grandfathers (both gone now) and all my other loved ones who have spent time in rehabs and homes. the workers do the best that they can, and most of the time they do a good job. but a day is long in a nursing home, and hard.

so we sang silent night and rudolph.

what else can you do, really? we stood there with our little children and we said hello and we gave our treats and we sang. it was nothing, and it was everything.

momma zen- a review

have you read the book momma zen: walking the crooked path of motherhood by karen maezen miller yet? you should, i mean you really, really should. this book is like a little electric blanket that i take with me to bed every night. i plug it into my brain, into my soul, and the world seems a little lighter. karen maezen miller has that perfect talent with words- she writes simply, beautifully, but manages to pack a (peaceful) punch that leaves you breathless. and you find yourself thinking "huh? how does she do it? how does she crawl into my tired mama-brain and write about what i'm feeling so eloquently? this cannot be possible that someone is so in-tuned to what i'm feeling, except here i am, clutching this book under the covers at the end of a long day...and aaaaaah. i feel better already."

truth be told, i haven't finished reading this book yet. because i.don't.want.it.to.end. i treat myself to bits and pieces here and there as needed. it's like a little valerian root, this momma zen. a chance for me to recenter. a chance for me to remember that i am a piece of something much bigger than myself. that i am not alone in this.

as if this book didn't rock enough, there is a handy list in the back "for the hard days-where to look for help". if your day has sucked so bad that you need a direct-line to the section that will help you through your worst mama moments, you can go to the back, look under the topic of your choice, and be directed to the chapter you need. having some confidence issues? see chapters 4, 20, or 25. i love this book.

i have highlighted this book, because that is how crazy i am about it. i could get tattoos of some of karen's wisest words. like this quote, which i need to frame or something for my fridge:

"as babies grow into toddlers, the conflicts with mom erupt and spread. children have arms and legs and, later, words to fling at you, which they will: getting dressed, getting undressed, eating a meal, going to bed, getting in the car, getting out of the car, taking a bath, brushing teeth, and so on all day long until you both retreat, defeated, back into the night. the trick is to see the battles coming, avert them whenever possible, do what is necessary, and make peace. you can do it, you know, you're the mother, and you have infinite capacities."

the last sentence rings on and on in my ears and in my heart.

there are also some amazing quotes about fatigue which i will use for some of my doula clients and new moms. i would quote them here but this book is SO worth going out and searching for yourself. it is a treat, and a gift. and now it's in paperback! so you have no excuse, dear mama. no excuse.


you can check out more about karen here. it's pretty much like a daily-dose-of-exactly-what-you-need-to-hear (that's my scientific opinion).

and you can order a signed copy of her book momma zen for yourself, for your momma, or for any momma on your holiday shopping list here.

happy weekend and happy reading!

gray is whacked

i was going to write a big long deep post today about how we all have our hangups and problems, but i just can't muster up the energy to do so. so instead i leave you with this video of my dear sweet child, who loves to wear a bikini in the snow, and who wears cat-eye glasses all on her own (without me asking her to) and does the slow and dirty hula in front of the wiggles christmas special.

gray is quite special herself, if you ask me.

hold up wait a minute

breathe in
breathe out
hold on to the little things
the moments in between the kids
biting each other and taking each other's toys away
the moment when you first
lay your head down on your pillow
and snuggle under the blankets
and open your book
only to read a page or two
before you fall blissfully asleep
at 8:15pm
the moment when the kids
and their friends
are playing on their own
making up their own games
modeling healthy behaviors
the moment when you have your third cup
of coffee in the morning
and hit your stride
hold on to the peaceful moments
spent at the dining room table
in the sun
gluing all your vintage buttons
onto a raggedy piece of cardboard
to make the most beautiful
christmas wreath you have ever seen
the moment when
you open your eyes
in the morning
and there hasn't been any fighting yet
and it's too soon to feel your cramps
and everything is perfect.

snow day

ho ho howdy!

i feel like i've been away for a long winter's nap. it's been a busy couple of days and i'm loving it. i'm loving every part of having christmas plans and obligations. every part, that is, except being away from johnny and the kids for a large part of the weekend.

i've eaten more bad (bad meaning really good) food since thursday. i went out to eat thursday night, friday afternoon, saturday night, and then sunday night. since i don't go out to eat very often this was a decadent and delicious weekend, where i could pound back a couple of drinks and drown all my worries in cream sauce. it was exactly what i needed, but after a breakfast of pizza and some of steph's cookies this morning, my jeans hate my guts. is it bad when you have to tuck your tummy into your waistband?

i don't care too much though because the cream sauce was worth it! and i have leftovers in the fridge calling "lunch is near! don't forget about us for lunch!".

today is a snow day, but we headed out early this morning to hang with our peeps. i was motivated because john had already gone out and shoveled and schlepped the snow off my car. now gray is quietly drinking hot chocolate and dipping christmas cookies, so i'll take a moment when i can get one.

there have been concerts and dinners and presents and parties. lunch dates and art projects and butt prints. yes...butt prints. because really, what can you give when flowers and candy just don't convey what you have to say to someone? clearly, the answer is...you paint your kid's bum with that new glittery paint laying around, and then you make fanny prints! nothing says "you rock" better than a little fanny action.



hope your day is filled with tim allen and macaulay culkin's finest moments. xx

absolutely abominable

(hot packs, blankets, and little cold feet)

today i'm scowly. grumpy. pootish.

all before the glorious hour of 5:30am- i was told that i have the exact same "boobs and nipples" as The Bumble (a.k.a. the Abominable Snow Monster of the North) from the rudolph christmas tv special (we have the ornament, for boob reference) and gray stated "joey, don't you wish we never had her as our mother?" because i said we couldn't do glue and glitter at 5am, but we would have to wait until after school.

i really don't have abominable boobies, right?

at least i'm wearing a hipalicious new outfit (new to me- thank you neighbors who give me your old clothes- literally, all the neighbors come knocking on my door with their castoffs) to help me conquer this beast of a day.

may your boobs be perky and your day be bright. and please pray that yukon and hermie don't come, knock me unconscious, laugh at my rack, and then pull out all my teeth.

busy keepin' the couch warm

it's been a lot, and it's been a little.

we've been battling germs, germs of all kinds, invading each of our bodies in different ways.

we've been ingesting herbs and vitamins, and joey has been on steroids and antibiotics.

we've been shopping and dating and eating and entertaining.

i've been knitting some presents and sewing. john and i went on a date to the fabric store (for him) and to hallmark. that's our idea of a date. we heart ornaments. especially ornaments that come in a series. there's just something incredibly dorky yet amazing about a good hallmark ornament. we dropped a serious wad of cash in the hallmark store, and didn't feel bad about it. despite trying to make the majority of our christmas gifts, there's just no denying that little bit of hallmarkieness that the holiday holds for our family.

with the sickness has come the snuggles. my butt and the couch have made love many a times over the past couple of weeks. i've been peed on and snotted on and teared on. i've held joey while he's screamed bloody murder while having his temperature taken by a stranger, right up his poop shoot. the only great thing about the experience is that now that he's older, i can debrief with his afterwards, and when i say "that was kinda funny when that lady went right up your poop shoot", he laughs hysterically.

there's been movies with friends, endless christmas movies. there's been breakfasts and endless cups of coffee. there's been the welcoming of new friends, and the gatherings to eat. there's been sleepless nights with the croup, and cuddling up to the book momma zen by karen maezen miller (more to come on this) and twilight by stephanie meyer.

life has been about cross stitching with the best of friends, about eating dry pork chops that were lovingly made. it's about seeing the growing belly of a dear friend, and visiting with old friends that were in town for the holiday. life has also been about being a referee, constantly aiding the kids, helping them try not to kill each other. lessons about sharing. lessons about taking space when you need it. learning that it's ok to close the door (more like metaphorical doors because our house wasn't designed with real doors unfortunately) when you need it.

i've been reading through a couple of blogs here and there, trying to catch up and get inspired for the holidays. some people's thanksgiving accounts sound completely magical- the homemade food, everything made from scratch all the way down to the cranberry sauce. we hosted thanksgiving here, and it was special in its own way. but let me tell you- mostly everything came from a bag or a box or from the freezer. or a can. can't forget about the cans. the gravy was jarred, the cranberries jellied. we cut corners where we can, and we do what we're used to. it's a coping mechanism. it allows us to crash on the couch at the end of the day and still be ok. we can sit and eat chocolates from the box and debrief together, with everything cleaned up, the dishwasher whirling in the background. we were fed, it was good enough. it was what we could do.

i am thankful

i am thankful
for lots of things
so today we will fill a basket with
scraps of paper
that list
all the things
that keep us full and healthy

i am thankful
for my kids
the good days and the bad ones
even the days that make me feel like pulling out my hair
and the days that i consider using crack to get through it

i am thankful
for the oven
that is baking homemade brownies
(thanks to inspiration here)

i am thankful
for hot packs
and friends on the couch
and mug after mug of tea
when it's snowing outside

i'm thankful
for incense
for going to bed early
and for defrosting turkeys

mostly
i am thankful
for my little family unit
we keep each other warm when it's cold
and when it's hot we sweat together
and during this time of year
you will find us
huddled in the car together
singing to christmas music
on the radio,
driving around
looking at lights.

i am thankful, dear friend, for you.

let's have a little talk- graceisms at their best

i like to shake my booty in your face, originally uploaded by Nina Marie Gilbert.

(i heart this booty shakin' picture that gray snapped of me- a couple of weeks ago we worked on "favorite things" journals, and i gave her my camera for an hour or so to let her snap pictures of some of her favorite things. so it would only be natural that she would take a picture of my shakin' my booty in her face. duh.)

thank god that i'm lucky enough to be a stay at home mama, because if i wasn't i'd certainly be fired with a capital F thanks to these past couple of weeks. grace is home from school today, again. she said to me this morning "mum, remember how i had a bubble in the back of my throat yesterday? well this morning...it's bricks!" and along with the stink eye, and joey's major congestion, we're home again today. i was able to do $212 worth of damage at the grocery store last night after the kids were in bed, so i've got thanksgiving covered.

nothing's gonna keep me down, yo!

when we were stuck in the house yesterday, there was a lull in the conversation. and gray says to me "so mumma, let's talk about something. i'd like to talk about PERIODS. what exactly are periods? are they when people take off their nipples and then grow new nipples? i'd just really like to have a talk about periods."

now's as good of a time as ever, i guess.

slice of life

things have been a bit more balanced here lately, although grace woke up this morning with another raging case of pink eye. which means two things- 1. i cannot get to the grocery store today for my thanksgiving shopping (we're hosting) and 2. it's yet another day with all of us stuck in the house (and we miss our most favorite play date this morning, again). which means, i guess, that we get to do lots of sewing and knitting and christmas crafting, possibly making a huge batch of cookies and definitely eating our way through yet another loaf of pumpkin bread. balance. the good and the bad.

i hearted my weekend for lots of reasons. i got to get out on friday night sans kiddies to go to the opening of the festival of the trees for the peeps (and their peeps) that put the trees together. our tree looked sweet, and special. the framed pictures of the kids were the added touch, and mostly i was just glad that i worked with two women who picked up all of the slack when we were battling the flu and pink eye a couple of weeks ago. (didn't want to write about it at the time because it was so bad). i loved hanging under all the sparkly lights, and having a chance to actually look at the trees instead of wrangle the kids away from them. it was a chance to hang with my mama friends without the kids, which was also a treat. we actually got to have conversations! imagine.

and saturday was spent dating boo- going shopping and trying on clothes and laughing at my funny-in-girl-clothes body. i guess i'm just not cut out for little dresses cut above the knee! and i'm certainly not cut out for wearing anything in the juniors department! size 12 curvaceous mama bodies unite! these little clothes are completely ridonkulous. so to counter the kill-myselfish feelings from the shopping experience, we went antiquing and i immersed myself in all things old. although antiquing with a almost-two-year-old in the stroller is quite an interesting experience....his mission in life was to kick his feet out as far to the side as possible to try to knock sh*t off the shelves. anywho, i found the sweetest little bright red rocking chair- for $22, half off. which means $11. which means with my $10 gift certificate (thanks sal!) i got a rocking chair for $1 plus tax. joey's new mission in life- pick up and drag around said rocking chair around the house with him, everywhere he goes. then snuggle time, with a dash of craft time and wine time and movie time and chinese food time- mama was happy.

then yesterday rocked. baking and relaxing at home, followed by diner breakfast with the fam, followed by a trip into the big city (aka boston) for movie day with aunties jo&lib at MIT. we watched polar express and gorged ourselves of the best kind of worst kind of snackies. we took our boy to a movie! and yes it was insane. but he was mostly good in a kinda bad kinda way. and then we went for tea and pillow jumping at uncle boo's house- because a couple of weeks ago i was playing "open-ended questions" with grace and asked "if you could go anywhere in the whole wide world where would it be?" and she said "uncle boo boo's house in cambridge." so there you go.

and now we're here, at home, watching the grinch at 7am. i have 10 cups of coffee waiting for me, and a butt-load of craft supplies. wish me luck!

xx


in other news, i'd like to wish a belated happy birthday to my girl femiknit. and a happy happy india rockin' trip to my girl leonie.

relax your horses

"you just need to relax your horses, mumma." this sage advice came from gray this morning...early, early this morning. it made me smile, and was one of those little quips that puts the whole picture in perspective. relax your horses. i tried explaining the saying, and telling her about "hold your horses" but she just looked at me and said "i like my way better". fair enough.

since my return, i've had a huge lesson in relaxing my horses. i still haven't unpacked, and haven't had a second to process anything yet. with a house full of visitors in and out, and trying desperately to build up my immune system (which included getting my voice back, with the help of lots of herbal remedies...thanks pix for the advice!), and joey's transition into a big boy bed, we've got our plate full. not to mention us hosting thanksgiving in a week from today! one of my favorite holidays by far (hey mama al! i'm with you on this one).

leaving for the weekend was a much-needed gift. driving away, through the beautiful foliage and snow covered (!) mountains, i felt all the frustrations and anxiety over the past couple of weeks melt away. i wasn't nervous about meeting my new peeps. i felt like i could just be myself and that would be ok enough. even though i was rockin' the black circles, and my voice was a mere croak for most of the weekend, i still was able to just sit and be in the company of some amazing women. amazing...cliche, yes...but amazing. pixie's brain is filled with sage-a-licious knowledge...about everything from herbs to massage to psychoanalysis. and keri was so real and un-intimidating, and i just immediately felt at ease. and she listened. and cared. and wendertins is my soul mama sister living too far away. if we were neighbors we'd be having some serious conversations over tea and coffee and coke on a daily basis, let me assure you. my favorite moments were the sleepy ones in the morning, with our collective hair all askew, and the quiet conversations. and the knitting and the babes running all around. and satch's bright chatter and miles' snuggling that soothed my mama-away-from-her-babes soul. it was a quiet weekend- filled with falling red leaves and deer in the morning. it was a noisy weekend- filled with laughter and boys and a little bit of booty shakin'. it was a gift. my new friends are a gift:


you can read pix's account here.

and keri's account here.

and wendertin's accounts here and especially here.

you can see my pictures from the blessingway weekend here.

so please excuse me while i catch up with my kids. while i do a little quiet knitting. while i practice relaxing my horses. xx

where did she come from?

grace's new thing is busting out with spontaneous prayers. which is funny because we don't really pray. but it's her thing, and i'm so cool with that. here's what she came up with this morning:

"dear god,

thank you for all the great food you give us, and for mumma's boobies.

thanks also for all the stores, and for earlobies."


girl's got her priorities, i guess.

joey speaks part II

since i'm still speechless from my weekend, i figured now is as good of a time as any to post more of joey's words. as much as i don't like the idea of posting my voice here, i like the quiet way that joey repeated after me while playing with his toys. his sweetness is overwhelming. and you get a chance to see what kinds of words we value...you know- poop, toot, and bob barker (don't know what's up with that- he kinda skeeves me out).

i'm home

i'm back from woodstock
filled to the brim with goodness
approaching life with a fresh perspective

i have a serious case of laryngitis (hey c! wanna not talk?)
but have been taken care of
and croaked along with
the best bunch of women
all weekend long

i am going to kick this week's ass.

xx

where i'm at

"i believe that these circles of women around us weave invisible nets of love that carry us when we're weak and sing with us when we're strong." - sark, succulent wild woman

finally, the boy speaks

(if for some reason you can't view the video here, click here to see it)

joey. joey joey joey. he was a little slow to talk (although he's not even two yet so i should really back off, huh?) but now that he's figured it out, he can pretty much repeat any word that you want him to say. and he strings together little sweet sentences like "night night mama, i love you" which sounds something like that but a bit garbled. i love every second of it, and appreciate it even more because we waited a little longer for it (gray was born talking. freak!).

anywho, joey's got a bit of a crush on our cousin/author/amazing mama friend tabatha. he talks about her nonstop, and often can be found chatting on his play telephone with his "tabby". he loves to say "TABATHA...READ IT!" because tabatha is a children's author and often does readings for the kiddos. it's pretty much the sweetest thing ever. but you get a little whiff of some joey attitude when gray tries to coach him...

it's fun to mention that tabatha has her own sweet son named joey... i remember years back being at a christmas family reunion at my nanu's house and playing with tab's joey (or jo-jo) in the backyard and pretty much making the decision then and there that if i had a son his name would be joey and we'd call him jo-jo. that's how sweet tab's jo-jo is. and now i've got my own sweet guy who's obsessed with jo-jo's mama! what goes around comes around :)

life kinda sucks, so i'll buy myself a treat

this week has been so challenging on so many levels. like one of those weeks where it's really hard to get out of bed in the morning. where i find myself squeezing my eyes shut and thinking "i really can't do this for another minute". it's been a lesson in asking for help when i need it, a lesson in life presenting you with challenges because it trusts that deep down inside you can handle them. it's been a lesson in putting everything into perspective. a lesson that some days you just won't be able to make it to the grocery store. and that some days your family is just going to have to suck it up and eat cereal for dinner.

with the rain outside today, and my upcoming trip on the horizon, i feel stronger and better able to get through today. today i am laundry-mama- i am the ointment-applier- i am the shoulder to cry on and the crier-on-shoulders. today i just may ask you to come over and watch the kids so i can get out to the grocery store, and maybe buy myself a little treat.

xx

words of advice from the universe

take the time to find and see the beauty in nature

climb some trees even if it means a possible trip to the ER

play the music in your heart

have a good cry if you're in need of one

leaf-blowers and halloween costumes plus kids cracked up on candy equals fun

let's pray that this week rocks the casbah!