laundry, dishes, pumping, repeat

lately, it seems like i'm hunkering down...resistant to head out of the house unless it's for a quick errand or two, or some quiet time at the coffee shop.  friends have been stopping in here and there, mostly every day, but i haven't ventured out to them much.  it's cold.  actually, it's freezing.  the pull of my home is so strong right now, so strong i sometimes wonder if i'm getting smothered by it.  sometimes i can't get out of my own way, and feel crushed by all the "stuff" there is to get done....loads and loads of laundry ("mom!  i have NO PANTS!"), a sink full of dishes and a whole bunch of crusty pans covering the stove top from last night's dinner, and then there is the pull of the pump.  every two and a half or three hours, i sit down at my spot on the couch and pull up my shirt and make lots and lots of milk for two precious babies. babies that aren't mine.  kind of a crazy trippy idea, but also a constant reminder of how we are all connected on this web of life.

shit never completely gets done.  even after folding three huge loads of laundry this morning, i was loading up the washer with more dirty clothes.  they will probably sit wet in there for too long and have to be washed again.  and as soon as i emptied the clean dishes out of the dishwasher, i loaded it up with all the nasty ones from the sink and the stove.  this is my practice.  finding peace in the chaos that is my life.  there is no "finished".  the kids will always need lunch tomorrow morning.  i will need to make them dinner when they get off the bus.  they will always need to eat.  i will always have to go to the grocery store.  pretty soon it will be time to pump the milk again.  repeat.

the challenge is finding the beauty in the repetition.  the challenge is breathing out peace even when i want to crawl into bed or run away to somewhere tropical and take a little vacation from life.  there is an amazing amount of beauty to be found in the boring, the predictable, the endless piles of laundry.  it is there...i just need to see it.  today i'm struggling with finding that beauty, so these words are for me.

feeling slow and easy

 

As you can probably see from the above pictures, January has been slow and easy.  I'm taking some time to heal my body, and taking the gentle approach to plunging into the new year.  Most days I spend some time on my new chaise lounge, reading through Marie Lu's 'Legend' series.  I've been getting very good use out of my new electric tea kettle.  There has been lots of Rusty snuggling time.  The kids are loving their new tablets, and are happiest just piled on top of me.  On the weekends, I keep asking them if they want to go out, but they all just want to stay home and read and snuggle.  Totally fine by me.

 

Today the beef stew is simmering on the stove, and I've spent the morning listening to Lulu and her friend play happily together in the other room.  I peek in occasionally, offering popcorn or a drink, and suggest how much Halloween candy would be a good idea to eat.  The day seems easy...almost too easy.  And I'm trying not to feel guilty about it, and just let the slowness take over and become the norm.  The biggest thing on my agenda for this afternoon is getting the brownies into the oven, and taking them out in time so the middles are gooey, just like I like them. 

 

Totally, totally, fine by me. 

fresh...2014

So 2014 has arrived, and with it, many wonderful changes!  For starters, I gave birth to the double rainbows unexpectedly on Christmas Day.  Santa still came here at the Gilbert household, but mama had to miss the day and go under the knife!  When it was all said and done, two beautiful and perfect babies entered the world and were delivered Christmas morning, straight into the arms of their excited parents!  Lots of things didn't play out as we had imagined, but it was truly a lesson in letting go, and trusting that the universe would provide.  And provide it did!  I wasn't able to see my doctor for the c-section, but I absolutely loved the doctor that provided my care.  I felt supported and cared for.  My anesthesiologist was a little buzzing bee of caring in my ear when I needed it.  The nurses and staff throughout my hospital stay were totally amazing...like sitting on my bed chatting with me for hours amazing.  Not to mention the double rainbows' parents----I felt like I was part of a team.  I couldn't have asked for more amazing people to work alongside with.  It was an incredible experience.

Now I can touch my toes!  And I can walk up the stairs without feeling like I've just run a marathon.  And I'm already over 20 pounds lighter!  I feel better and better every day.  There were a couple of hurdles to overcome post-delivery (a couple of infections, etc) but every day that passes brings with it renewed energy.  The c-section was way easier to recover from than I had originally thought.  I'm looking forward to healing even more, juicing, green eating, and getting back into shape when the spring rolls around.  For now, I'm OK with lounging around, doing the best I can, pumping, and eating brownies.

The recent snowstorm has gifted me with some extra days with the kids, and some extra time to recover and stay close to home.  I feel like it was divine intervention.  I'm looking forward to Monday, when we can all get back into a routine.  There are only so many puzzles, cups of tea, and rolls of cookie dough you can bake up before everyone needs a break from each other ;)  I'm enjoying the rhythm of pumping for the babies...every three hours, nature is nudging me to sit down and take a load off, and create some liquid gold.  It's forcing me to really be conscious of my self care----nutrition, hydration, and supplements!  It's all about making sure I have enough for myself, for two additional babies, and enough left over to take care of my own three children!  That's a huge self-care lesson right there.  I'm sure it will be a work-in-progress with many bumps in the road, but I'm working on it.  I've got lots of awesome team members holding me up and making sure I stay on track.

Thank you to everyone who supported me through my surrogacy journey.  Who listened when I needed to debrief.  Who dropped off food, who watched my kids, who drove them to school, who texted, who called, who checked in, who sent gifts, who showered me with love and affection.  Who believed in me.  I couldn't have journeyed through this last year and a half without the support of all the wonderful people in my life.  And while my journey in some ways is ending, I have learned so much about myself that I feel like in a lot of ways, it is just begining.  How fitting that it is a new year.  There is so much possibility.  Thank you...thank you...thank you.  xo

Angels, angels, everywhere...

The hustle and bustle of the holiday season has made the last month or so fly by. I've been desperately trying to slow down and enjoy it all...those moments when we are all snowed in and Lulu just wants to watch another episode of Jessie. The wet hats and gloves all over the porch.  The fact that Rusty ate my favorite vintage Santa ornament off the tree.   Times like when I'm exhausted but the kids want to have tea...I've been consciously trying to say YES more. I am not perfect...far from it. But I find that when I am intentional about it, I can be more open to saying yes and letting go.  'Tis the season for me to stop being such a freak about homework and schedules.  You want to stay home from school and go get broccoli and cheddar soup at Panera with me?...Yes.  You want to sleep in and forget about some plans that we didn't really want to do anyway? For sure.

I've been spending lots of time at the doctors making sure the twins are doing well, which they are. Tomorrow will be 34 weeks, which is considered 'safe' enough to deliver locally.  Overall, I've been feeling really well and haven't needed to slow down much, although I have.  I am learning to accept help when it's offered.  There have been so many people helping out along the way, and I am eternally grateful for that.   Just this morning, one neighbor plowed me out from last night's storm, and another neighbor came to get Lulu to bring her to and from school so I could stay in my jammies.   Angels, angels, everywhere.   This week another neighbor dropped off homemade Paleo chocolate chip cookies, gypsy cold care tea, kombucha, and homemade cough syrup.  The combo of all those things kicked the last of my cough out of my body.  Last week a friend dropped off delicious meatballs, chocolates, and champagne.   Don't even get me started about how grateful i am for the housekeeping gift certificate I received from the rainbows' parents.  Blessed, I tell you.   Blessed.

The kids get out for school vacation Friday afternoon. Then it's time to really kick back, forget about schedules, rent a lot of videos, and make sure the fridge is stocked.  Even though this year we won't have John home with us celebrating Christmas (and there's that small chance that I will be in the hospital if the rainbows decide to make their debut early), we are all looking forward to snuggling in together, making new traditions, and appreciating the time we have with one another.

Wabi sabi

These past couple of weeks have been filled with so many exceptionally brilliant and love-filled moments.  The sun has shone so brightly on our lives that I can barely believe that we are so lucky.   A table full of all the people we love, sharing gratitudes. Barriers being broken down and hearts broken open. Deep talks late at night in bed with cold feet warming each other.  But these weeks have also been filled with difficult, confusing things.  The loss of John's father.  Watching his mother suffer and struggle for breath in ICU.  Explaining to the kids why people get sick and die. Watching the fear in their eyes when they ask when their other loved ones might die, too.  It's hard being a grown-up and a parent sometimes, and this time is one of them. Big decisions and extremely difficult conversations lie on the horizon. So many beautiful things are in store, too...holiday get-togethers, tree cutting and decorating, celebrating our boy turning eight and our girl turning five. Our goal is to find the balance...stay open and engaged with one another, and not lose sight of the beauty amidst the chaos.  Xo

choosing gratitude

today i chose to be grateful.  even though this week was rough, even though i never changed out of my clothes from yesterday, i never put on a bra, i wore a hat instead of doing my hair.  i chose to open my eyes and look at the beauty of the world around me.

i am grateful for::

*being able to go on long(ish) walks with friends in the freezing cold, collecting sticks and climbing rocks.  just getting outside in the cold quiet is such a gift.

*family dinners out.  we went out last night and it's something we all enjoy.  yes, it might be expensive but it's one of the few things we splurge on.  it's nice to take a break during the week from the usual routine and sit across from each other.  we get to hear about gray's endless stream of boyfriends and stories about their friends at school.  i treasure these moments because i know that some day i will miss them terribly when they go off on their own.

*lulu's school.  i love that we are able to send her to a co-op, and that i get to volunteer in the classroom.  although yesterday i was co-op mom and it was also a full moon...and i must say, i came home a VERY tired mama.  i give major props to pre-K teachers...any and all teachers.  that is serious WORK.

*the promise of a creative brunch on the horizon tomorrow on the ocean.  this week has been challenging in many ways for our family and the thought of a mini escape (and my little one is playing hookie and coming with me) makes me happy.

*new bright red tea cups

*fresh cornbread almost every day

*cooking meals for my family almost every day, being healthy enough to get up and do so, and having enough money to afford to provide nourishing food for everyone.

*the new incense i was gifted....burning it and taking a minute to slow down

*sleeping with rusty.  even though i said i would NEVER have a dog sleep in my bed.  even though i've been known to say that i don't even really like dogs that much.  i am totally whipped by my little puppy and he's the best snuggler in bed.  we don't do it very often because we don't want him to get used to it...but when we do....it's good...

*having the kids and johnny take my boots and my socks off at the end of a long day.  joey's foot rubs.  anyone's foot rubs.  calf rubs.  anything.  i'll take anything i can get.

what's making you slow down and say thanks today?

bracelet love

throughout this pregnancy, lots of crazy things have happened that keep showing the parents and i that this experience was truly meant to be.  this story is an example of that...

two weekends ago, when i attended the double rainbows' shower, i was going around being introduced to everyone.  all the people that i met were really incredible, open, and loving.  the DR(double rainbows)'s mom introduced me to one of her best friends, and the best friend said to me "i hope this is OK but i have a little something for you."  (this was unbeknownst to the DR's mom, btw).  she handed me a box and a card.  and as i was opening the box, she said "i took my seven year old to the store with me and she picked this out for you."  when i opened it, inside i found a beautiful "path of life" alex and ani bracelet. 

it was the SAME EXACT BRACELET i had given the DR's mom for her birthday at the beginning of the summer (also when we found out i was carrying the twins).  the best friend had no clue that i had already given this same bracelet to her friend (mind you, there are like millions of alex and ani bracelets with tons of meanings)...but the DR's mom and i just stood there, with the hairs standing up on our arms, all freaked out in the best of ways possible.

so now we have matching bracelets to commemorate this journey.  i love looking down at it knowing that these days of incubation are truly part of my "path of life."  i wouldn't change it for the world. 

gratitude list

i am a big fan of gratitude lists, not just during this time of year, but the whole year long.  i love taking the time to think about all the ways that we are blessed.  i love focusing on the good.  i also love everything about the holidays and the time leading up to thanksgiving, when we will gather with our family and really focus on what matters. 

so with that, i present to you----my gratitudes!

*  so grateful for joey's healing capabilities....this wednesday will be his last eye appointment.  despite his traumatic eye injury, he's walking away with all his vision and no major lifelong complications!  and after this, no more $35 copayments every day!

*  grateful for sitting around a roaring fire with the women in my faith group----just listening to them speak as we go around and share in the circle.  i always preface whatever i say with "i don't have much to say this month" and then typically launch into something...they all inspire me to be a better mom and have a closer connection to my spirituality.  plus, i adore sipping on tea that i don't have to make for myself.  i could listen to them talk and process for hours. 

*  attending the double rainbows' baby shower last weekend!  i can't even put it into words...won't even try.  it was moving, emotional, overwhelming.  i walked away from the day feeling so filled with light and so happy that the babies are going to be surrounded by so much love in their lives.

*  my friends and my mom who took me out to shower ME with love and to celebrate my surrogacy journey.  we had an awesome dinner out----and it even included us having to leave the restaurant while the fire department came!  they showered me with gifts to pamper myself, a wrist full of meaningful bracelets with powerful symbolism, wine, scarves, a pedicure and a beautiful necklace.  i felt so lucky to have all these incredible women in my life.

*  last weekend i also went to an awesome "sprinkle" brunch for my friend who's expecting her third baby.  who invented brunch?  i want to make out with them.  brunch is amazing.  friends eating and drinking together in the morning is amazing.  especially when you are celebrating a baby!

*  john and i finally got a chance to redeem my massage gift certificate that i got for my birthday.  it was life changing!  we got our first couples massage at this awesome place in town.  i enjoyed every second (which truthfully can be hard sometimes for me) and i loved all the aroma-therapeutic stuff my therapist used.  and the hot towels on my feet!  and she massaged the rainbows.  it was a good, good day.

* getting asked to be a bridesmaid in my brother and ashley's wedding!  we went dress shopping this weekend, and not only was i happy to be included in on the day, but i was happy that my very-pregnant body is still cooperating and letting me trek around everywhere and keep up with everyone!  i don't even know what i would do if i had to slow down for some reason.  knock on wood....

*  hanging out with our dear friends and watching polar express like we've been doing before the holidays every year since gray was a baby.  just catching up and sharing food together, picking up where we left off.  watching our children have fun together.  creating new memories and traditions. 

*  the promise of lots of good things on tap----the small things, like breakfast dates and shared cups of tea, and the bigger things, like hosting thanksgiving, all our christmas activities, and then, you know, delivering these beautiful babies. :)


what are you grateful for lately?  xo

Just today

the hostess with the mostess, mindy, at her awesome retreat that i was lucky enough to attend for part of the day

me and my little mini-me...you can see from this picture how drained and exhausting some days in late october/early november have been...she's got enough light for both of us, though

frida kahlo halloween costume...(basically i got home from work, didn't change, threw on my DIY flower crown and a unibrow and i was good to go)

It's so cliche, but time is flying by.  I'm pretty sure I start off every blog post writing the same thing. I'm trying to find the balance between a very busy schedule and making time to just sit down and do a whole lot of nothing.  It's a delicate balance...one that I'm not good at mastering.  Just when I was looking forward to November, thinking that it would be a time for me to slow down and turn inward, Joey experienced a pretty traumatic eye injury (Hyphema...who knew!) which is requiring us to take him to the eye doctor every day for monitoring.  He was on bedrest for a whole week, missing school and trick-or-treating.  He's doing much better now and has regained full sight in his eye, thank goodness.  I think he might even be going to gym class today for the first time.  But seriously, the whole thing had me eating my words about November.  I had a moment where I broke down and cried in John's arms, not knowing if I could manage all Joey's appointments, my appointments for the pregnancy, the girls' commitments, and John's travel schedule.  I felt the overwhelm take over and just broke down.  But John looked at me and gave me the simplest, most epic advice, which was "Just take it one day at a time, Nin."  I was looking at the calendar and getting overwhelmed with it all.   But when I actually chilled the funk out and took a deep breath, I realized that I could (with a little help from my friends) get through each day...and it actually wasn't all that.bad.

I'm feeling better about it all now.  Joey's back to school.  I'm able to have a little breathing room to try to get myself into optimal shape for the last trimester of cooking these babies.  There are lots of vitamins and supplements involved.  And a new addiction to smoothies every day.  Gearing up for a weekend of celebrations, three days of partying!  And also gearing up for hosting Thanksgiving here in a couple of weeks, which we absolutely love to do.  Thanksgiving is definitely our thing...our best holiday.  And since John will be away for Christmas this year, it's even more reason to throw ourselves 100% into it.  November is already flying by.

Every day when I look at the calendar, I try to focus just on today.  What can I do to take care of myself?  What can I do to nourish my family?  What really needs to be done and what can be forgotten about for another day?  Just today.  Just today.

snaps

if i had more hands, i would've made another heart for the other double rainbow ;)

silly rock-jumping photos from our mini-vacation.  we got lots of funny looks from grouchy people in the parking lot as our photo shoot stretched on and on and we just died laughing...

farmer's market....watching the live music and snacking our way through

nubble lighthouse----i can't even begin to explain to you how much the kids were bitching and whining about how cold it was

practice thanksgiving at mimi's----joey was very pleased to eat this ginormous turkey leg....his fav

spending lots of time doing THIS....and picking ticks off of the dog

pure happiness.  leaves are my new favorite babysitter.

free fun.  rolling down the hill at the park for an hour.  i just took the pictures. ;)

we have been full throttle busy lately, between vacationing and hanging with friends...and oh yeah, FIFTH GRADE MATH HOMEWORK.  fit in flute and ccd and birthday parties and softball and then all the other fun stuff on the calendar...there are certainly plenty of reasons to fall into bed completely useless every night at around 7pm.  this weekend proves to be no different.  i'm headed out to mindy's retreat , we have a big family "church" dinner at boo's house, a double header, ccd classes, a hike to take...lots of family stuff.  and to top it all off, we have a dad who is home for the weekend AND is getting paid again.  certainly reason to celebrate last night with sushi and fancy wine (for john).  going to try to find some quiet moments to lay on my left side (totally necessary lately) and send some deep breaths to these double rainbows who have been so cooperative and laid back during all these adventures. 

'tis the season for getting out of dodge

'tis the season for going inward, quieting time, self care, whole foods, crock pot meals, and face-to-face connections.  there is something healing about sitting down with a friend over a steaming cup of tea.  there is something about sending the kids outside and watching them rake up the leaves, only to jump in them and toss them back all over the lawn.  and then start again. 

this weekend, despite the government shutdown and lack of pay, we are going to take some time as a family and go look at the changing leaves.  it will involve a couple of fantastic restaurants, some magazines by the pool while the kids splash around, stomping through streets of crunchy leaves, a few lighthouses, and lots of boogery tissues. 

i am craving this time away...a time to escape from making three meals a day for five (or seven, if you want to count the double rainbows!....or eight, if you want to count my puppy!) people.  i'm starting my mini-vacation off tonight with my monthly faith discussion meeting...one of the things that really fills me up and recharges me.  coupled with some chapters from mandy steward's new book "thrashing about with god: finding faith on the other side of everything", i should be good to go for a nice, relaxing weekend!  hopefully it involves a decaf pumpkin spice americano, too.  xoxo

(*a big thank you to my dad and nan for watching rusty for us!*)

Hiding

Figuring out how to be pregnant with twins, hold down a massage job, deal with the reality of a husband who is out of the country at least three days of the week, and manage three growing, wild children can be a challenge.

Lots of people ask me how I do it.  Especially now since my friends know that my daily glass (or two) of wine has been removed from the equation.

The answer is simple-----I hide. And I lock the door.  Hiding is even better after I indulged and bought myself the best king sized comfy blanket for my bed.   All it takes is a little bit of hiding to rejuvenate me and get me ready to conquer the rest of the day.


I'm all about hiding from reality.

The power of the circle

Yesterday I traveled back to the coast to meet up with a small but powerful group of women.  We sat around a table, ate snacks, and talked about the things that are important to us.  We talked about our goals, about our projects, and about the things we'd like to accomplish.  I left ignited by their passions, and curious about how I can kick-start my own.  I think every woman should have the luxury of circling with people that motivate them to reach for their goals----women who help them show up and lift them up when they need it.  I'm not sure what I did right in this life, but I am so lucky to have so many of these people in my life, always popping up when I need them most. 
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In other news, check out Mindy's upcoming offering----The Wishstudio Fall Creative Alchemy Retreat (the Alchemy of Small Stories and Indie Kindred screening!).  It will be an awesome opportunity for local folks who crave connections with kindred spirits, and who want to tap into the power of their own stories.  I will be attending Jen Lee's screening if anyone wants to make a night out of it! 

gratitude roundup

 fresh juice to nourish and energize

lots of deep breaths at the ocean lately, and time to circle with my beloved friends

renewed creative energy, and the promise of a blank canvas

a trip to squam----sitting by the fire, pumping four kegs, hugging the best people in the world

taking the time to create food that makes me feel good...

 field tripping with my littlest girl

 fall softball!

lots of family time, feeding my soul...


i love fall and all the peace that it brings.  looking forward to slowing down (when though?) and drinking more tea.  wearing slippers.  watching movies.  snuggling under quilts.  going to bed early.  xoxo