what you crashin' for?

it's no secret that i kind of suck ass when it comes to driving.

which is why, when we go on road-trips or weekend drives, johnny is usually the one driving.

it's not that i am intentionally a bad driver...but sometimes i get a little lost or other people start driving poorly around me and i get distracted and coupled with the frenetic banging (and the people driving around me subsequently making fun of me banging), sometimes i just make some driving mistakes.

which leads me to joey's cuteness.

this morning, at a particularly tricky intersection, i awkwardly slammed (or pressed very suddenly and firmly) on my brakes, and joey, from the backseat says:

what you crashin' for mama?

i wish i could say this was the first time that i've heard him say this expression, but i hear it quite often. it's one of my favorite things in life and every time he says it i want to pull over and eat his face off.

where have i been?

these past couple of weeks have been filled with so much goodness that i can barely reflect eloquently on their magnificence. plus, i'm having a serious case of computer paralysis, so bear with me.

there has been no shortage of:

friends, family, eating delicious food on the grill, dirty feet, a garden full on little plantlings, sunburnt shoulders, drippy popsicles, hikes in the woods, reunions with friends, a trip to burlington, VT, a healthy dose of gyros, little diners, fountain sodas, snack packs, croghan bologna, wine, hotel pools, cookies&milk in the lobby at 8:30pm, fudge, fire jugglers, new headbands, new capris, insane evangelists, ben&jerry's ice cream cones, playing in big fields of dandelions, photos with blissed out light, getting a bit lost, lake champlain, mosquitoes, big lumps on foreheads, salads, fresh herbs, greenhouses, funfetti cupcakes, calzones, couch debriefing, homemade gifts, beautiful stepping stones, belly tickles, hot tubs, sleeping late, skipping school, hummingbird feeders, releasing butterflies and ladybugs, juice boxes, poop shoots, family parties, celebrations, birthdays, making up songs, piles of laundry, new bikes, tree hugging, skinned knees.

these are the things that keep me going, that fill me up, and make me grateful to be alive.

i punch houses

although we don't condone violence, i have to say that it's pretty stinkin' funny when joey gets all serious and says "i punch houses". evidently, he also punches my door and my screen. you should see him in the car when we drive through a thickly settled neighborhood- he's all "i punch houses i punch houses i punch houses".

hopefully it's just a stage.


here's to a beautiful long weekend! we're off to burlington, VT for a hippielicious vacation with our watertown friends. we can't wait to grow our armpit hair and eat hash brownies! just kidding- we'll be in the hotel pool with a bunch of toddlers- equally as trippy.

xx!

five

dear grace,

today, you turn five. five like seriously five years old, and i can barely stand it. you burst into the room this morning at 5am, just dying to hear happy birthday. and of course, we showered you with love and kisses, and sang to you, and we all got up and ate pancakes in your honor. you got a new pair of one dollar flip flops and you'd think i handed you the world, all wrapped up in a torn piece of recycled tissue paper. it's the little things that matter to you, and the ones that you'd least expect to mean something.

you are bright and full of emotions. every day i learn something from you, even if it's inappropriate. this morning, after snapping out of a bit of a mood, you looked at me with such purity and declared that i am the best mother in the whole universe. you used the word "universe" because that's just so you. you can hang with the big words, and your understanding of such complex situations and concepts amazes me.

yesterday we had a couple of hours by ourselves. we laid on the floor on our tummies and interviewed each other in your journal. you were so proud of writing your letters, and spelling out words. you spelled "joyful" as "jofol" and i almost broke down in tears. you said your favorite snack is pistachios, and that you love reggae.

you amaze me every step of the way.

when you look at me and say "best friends forever and ever" i am completely and utterly fulfilled as your mother. thank you for being born to me five short years ago. you took a little extra time to make your debut, but you were worth the wait.

i love you forever.

mama

friday video tearjerkers

why is it when i watched this video this morning i bawled hysterically? i mean like a face full of hot wet tears, just staring at the screen, bawling. grace looked over at me quizzically and was all "why are you crying at THIS?" but there's just something about all these people getting together and doing something beautiful.



and then there's this video (found thanks to bohogirl), which just sends me over the edge. i wish there was some way possible that we could each bottle up the pure joy and innocence from our youths and draw from it when our well is feeling a bit empty.

may you all dance with reckless abandon on this beautiful friday.

i like

i like
listening to what kids have to say
standing in weird moss without shoes on
burning incense in my front porch while i work on my sewing machine
playing with vintage papers
smooching the tops of heads
wiping away tears
sitting on my couch eating salads and beans with friends
talking about strawberries and tough stuff all in one conversation
taking trips and exploring new restaurants
growing things in paper cups and seeing what happens
going to the dollar store and loading up on craft supplies
getting together with people i love and doing nothing
having a stack of books near my bed so i can look at them when i wake up
going to bed really early and waking up to the kids talking about boobies
reading book after book about things that inspire me
crossing on things on my to do list
planning projects to inspire the kids
letting go of all my preconceived notions about what a good mother is
sniffing my new sandalwood soap in the shower every morning
sprouting my own sprouts in the kitchen
clipping my herbs on the deck
letting my peppermint spread over my yard and take over the world
massaging beautiful people and talking about their lives
learning about faraway places
forgetting about trying to make it all come out perfect.

what do you like today, dear friends?

inappropriate dump song

"josephine
he really likes trucks
he loves his ears
he loves his ears!
earlobies!
josephine
he really likes taking a dump
and farting
and peeing on mama's head
really fast!
and he takes a dump when he goes pee
he takes a dump when he goes pee
earlobies take minature dumps in the toilet
and joey takes a dump in the potty
like earlobebeezees
so kuberist
and peuwist
and earlobies
are so kuberist!..."

we like making up songs about poop.

to all my mamas

Happy Mother's Day! May your day be filled with love and light (and a little bit of magic thrown in for good measure).

when all else fails

pack yourself into the car
with the kids
and about four or five dollars
and go to
your local
salvation army
and spend a couple of hours
laughing
at the winnie the pooh
extra large sweatshirts
and the puffy-paint christmas shirts
and the cutoff jeans
try some stuff on
and be silly
and let the kids
make funny faces
and be loud
in the dressing room
and maybe
just maybe
you will find a treasure
or two
like the too-small bright blue
sweatshirt
with a big monkey on it
that you just have to have
for a dollar
or that big bright red
american tourister
mini-suitcase
that belonged to someone
named peggy
when she was still alive.


i promise you
all of the above things
will make you feel

better.

letterboxing and mindspiration

dearest local peeps,

we finally did it! we created and placed our first family letterbox. it's located in andover, MA, in the most beautiful of spots. you should definitely take an hour, explore, and try to find the box. here are the directions to it:

team gilbert "wild calla" letterbox link

the stamp-carving was done by johnny and it came out absolutely amazing. i think he missed his calling as a stamp carver and somehow ended up as a corporate recruiter. the kids enjoyed the research on the wild calla. go check out the bog now, because the wild callas are popping up everywhere (and snakes! but that's another story for another day).



and in other news, go check out mindy's new spot! it's chock-full of inspiration (should i say mindspiration?). i have a little wishmama's piece up now about doing keri smith's wreck this journal with kids.

i believe in hippies

this morning, while driving around town, i randomly asked gray

"gray, are you religious?"

and she replied

"yeah".

and i said

"well, what do you believe in?"

and all whispery and creepalicious, she replied


"hippies..."

okay

"all of the moments in my life, everyone i have met, every trip i have taken, every success i have enjoyed, every blunder i have made, every loss i have endured has been just right. i'm not saving they were all good or that they happened for a reason--i don't buy that brand of pap fatalism--but they have been right. they have been...okay. as far as revelations go, it's pretty lame, i know. okay is not bliss, or even happiness. okay is not the basis for a new religion or self-help movement. okay won't get me on oprah. but okay is a start, and for that i am grateful."

-eric weiner, the geography of bliss: one grump's search for the happiest places in the world

anti-mom

today is gray's class picture day at school.

i tried my best to find something not-stained or not-ripped for her to wear to school.

thinking i've picked a somewhat ok outfit, she dresses and i give her the quick once over. she looks...ok.

maybe a bit wrinkly?

ok, a ton wrinkly.

i look at john and say "she has her pictures today. she looks wicked wrinkly!" then i ask gray to come over so i can attempt to "smooth out the wrinkles".

john looks up at me, laughs, and says "you are like the anti-mom."

and i say "what? that's hurtful! i'm not the anti-mom just because i don't iron!"

and he proceeds to explain how i'm the anti-soccer mom, etc. etc. because i don't iron and all that stuff. (we're laughing through this exchange, mind you- plus, it's his birthday so i have to play nice).

fine! maybe i am the anti-mom.

maybe being the anti-mom is the only thing that gets me through the day, being able to overlook the drips, the stains, and the bumps and allowing me to best smooth out the wrinkles of our lives.



let's hear it for anti-moms!

sacrifice the part to save the whole

humans amaze me

really, i am in constant awe

these past two weeks have been a whirlwind. in and out of hospitals with my mother-in-law. from bad mammogram to bad biopsy to complete mastectomy, only two weeks have gone by. two weeks? only two weeks? how can this be possible?

the things that we endure. it's really quite incredible. and while these weeks have been filled with tears and moments of silence and lots of fear, the bigger moments have been the ones of pride, of all-encompassing love, of support from friends and family and nurses with hearts of gold, and amazement.

my mother-in-law is the prime example of someone who suffers in silence. of someone who will sacrifice a part to save the whole without once looking back. someone who comes out of a major surgery, just having one of her body parts cut off, and when i go visit her in recovery, she looks at me all drugged from medication and immediately says

"nina, have you eaten? i feel terrible, you must be exhausted."

again, i'm in awe. and i'm honored that i was able to be present alongside her in her journey to wellness and i'm in shock, and eternally grateful, that her lymph nodes came back negative.

she's dodged another bullet and we all just stare with mouths wide open.


thank you all for your love. xx

got to be

"you know it's gonna be...
alright"

-the beatles


it's just got to be.
i'm exhausting my powers of positive thinking here in gilbertland.

life lessons

this week has been draining but amazing all at the same time. there has been so much time outside, so much time in the forest. my chest is full of so many emotions. thank you for all your kind words and prayers. i'm going to carve out some time tomorrow to get back to all of you. thank you. thank you.

our life is full of lessons, especially during this time.

here were the lessons this week:

get outside as much as you can. outside equals therapy.

let your friends take care of you and get you a cup of tea. even if you're crying. even if your eyes are swollen and you look like poop, they will still love you. you don't even have to talk.

go into the forest. letterbox. finding hidden things helps.

do something different. play with your friends. even if they are little people. little people are therapy. light a humongous fire in the forest. buy a couple of bags of marshmallows. and sunchips. sunchips are the key to happiness. burn wood from the forest. create something bright from something that's done living.

when all else fails, have a popsicle.

or two.


xx

time for bed

someone
most nearest and dearest
to my heart
has
breast cancer

and we are all
in the process
of finding out
and figuring out
what to do

there are doctor's appointments
in the city
and lots of scary stuff
to get through
while trying to hold
the family together

and then there are the
phone calls
where she says to me
"you are my strength
nina
and i love you"

how can i be her strength
when all i want
to do
is go to bed
and cry?

soul adventure

every day
for the past week
we have been
in the forest,
letterboxing,
squishing in quaking bogs,
in vernal pools poking around,
sitting around a campfire in the forest
toasting marshmallows
on dirty sticks.
it hasn't been perfect,
but it is just what it needs to be.

it's our own little soul adventure.

permission

sometimes you just need permission to take a break. to disappear.


here's your permission.

weekend hopes and dreams

i hope your weekend
is filled with
art projects
and jingly balls
and seedlings
and meowing
and blueberry scones
and bright open eyes
and quilts up to your chin
and little nibbles of cheese
and love.