i like

i like
listening to what kids have to say
standing in weird moss without shoes on
burning incense in my front porch while i work on my sewing machine
playing with vintage papers
smooching the tops of heads
wiping away tears
sitting on my couch eating salads and beans with friends
talking about strawberries and tough stuff all in one conversation
taking trips and exploring new restaurants
growing things in paper cups and seeing what happens
going to the dollar store and loading up on craft supplies
getting together with people i love and doing nothing
having a stack of books near my bed so i can look at them when i wake up
going to bed really early and waking up to the kids talking about boobies
reading book after book about things that inspire me
crossing on things on my to do list
planning projects to inspire the kids
letting go of all my preconceived notions about what a good mother is
sniffing my new sandalwood soap in the shower every morning
sprouting my own sprouts in the kitchen
clipping my herbs on the deck
letting my peppermint spread over my yard and take over the world
massaging beautiful people and talking about their lives
learning about faraway places
forgetting about trying to make it all come out perfect.

what do you like today, dear friends?

inappropriate dump song

"josephine
he really likes trucks
he loves his ears
he loves his ears!
earlobies!
josephine
he really likes taking a dump
and farting
and peeing on mama's head
really fast!
and he takes a dump when he goes pee
he takes a dump when he goes pee
earlobies take minature dumps in the toilet
and joey takes a dump in the potty
like earlobebeezees
so kuberist
and peuwist
and earlobies
are so kuberist!..."

we like making up songs about poop.

to all my mamas

Happy Mother's Day! May your day be filled with love and light (and a little bit of magic thrown in for good measure).

when all else fails

pack yourself into the car
with the kids
and about four or five dollars
and go to
your local
salvation army
and spend a couple of hours
laughing
at the winnie the pooh
extra large sweatshirts
and the puffy-paint christmas shirts
and the cutoff jeans
try some stuff on
and be silly
and let the kids
make funny faces
and be loud
in the dressing room
and maybe
just maybe
you will find a treasure
or two
like the too-small bright blue
sweatshirt
with a big monkey on it
that you just have to have
for a dollar
or that big bright red
american tourister
mini-suitcase
that belonged to someone
named peggy
when she was still alive.


i promise you
all of the above things
will make you feel

better.

letterboxing and mindspiration

dearest local peeps,

we finally did it! we created and placed our first family letterbox. it's located in andover, MA, in the most beautiful of spots. you should definitely take an hour, explore, and try to find the box. here are the directions to it:

team gilbert "wild calla" letterbox link

the stamp-carving was done by johnny and it came out absolutely amazing. i think he missed his calling as a stamp carver and somehow ended up as a corporate recruiter. the kids enjoyed the research on the wild calla. go check out the bog now, because the wild callas are popping up everywhere (and snakes! but that's another story for another day).



and in other news, go check out mindy's new spot! it's chock-full of inspiration (should i say mindspiration?). i have a little wishmama's piece up now about doing keri smith's wreck this journal with kids.

i believe in hippies

this morning, while driving around town, i randomly asked gray

"gray, are you religious?"

and she replied

"yeah".

and i said

"well, what do you believe in?"

and all whispery and creepalicious, she replied


"hippies..."

okay

"all of the moments in my life, everyone i have met, every trip i have taken, every success i have enjoyed, every blunder i have made, every loss i have endured has been just right. i'm not saving they were all good or that they happened for a reason--i don't buy that brand of pap fatalism--but they have been right. they have been...okay. as far as revelations go, it's pretty lame, i know. okay is not bliss, or even happiness. okay is not the basis for a new religion or self-help movement. okay won't get me on oprah. but okay is a start, and for that i am grateful."

-eric weiner, the geography of bliss: one grump's search for the happiest places in the world

anti-mom

today is gray's class picture day at school.

i tried my best to find something not-stained or not-ripped for her to wear to school.

thinking i've picked a somewhat ok outfit, she dresses and i give her the quick once over. she looks...ok.

maybe a bit wrinkly?

ok, a ton wrinkly.

i look at john and say "she has her pictures today. she looks wicked wrinkly!" then i ask gray to come over so i can attempt to "smooth out the wrinkles".

john looks up at me, laughs, and says "you are like the anti-mom."

and i say "what? that's hurtful! i'm not the anti-mom just because i don't iron!"

and he proceeds to explain how i'm the anti-soccer mom, etc. etc. because i don't iron and all that stuff. (we're laughing through this exchange, mind you- plus, it's his birthday so i have to play nice).

fine! maybe i am the anti-mom.

maybe being the anti-mom is the only thing that gets me through the day, being able to overlook the drips, the stains, and the bumps and allowing me to best smooth out the wrinkles of our lives.



let's hear it for anti-moms!

sacrifice the part to save the whole

humans amaze me

really, i am in constant awe

these past two weeks have been a whirlwind. in and out of hospitals with my mother-in-law. from bad mammogram to bad biopsy to complete mastectomy, only two weeks have gone by. two weeks? only two weeks? how can this be possible?

the things that we endure. it's really quite incredible. and while these weeks have been filled with tears and moments of silence and lots of fear, the bigger moments have been the ones of pride, of all-encompassing love, of support from friends and family and nurses with hearts of gold, and amazement.

my mother-in-law is the prime example of someone who suffers in silence. of someone who will sacrifice a part to save the whole without once looking back. someone who comes out of a major surgery, just having one of her body parts cut off, and when i go visit her in recovery, she looks at me all drugged from medication and immediately says

"nina, have you eaten? i feel terrible, you must be exhausted."

again, i'm in awe. and i'm honored that i was able to be present alongside her in her journey to wellness and i'm in shock, and eternally grateful, that her lymph nodes came back negative.

she's dodged another bullet and we all just stare with mouths wide open.


thank you all for your love. xx

got to be

"you know it's gonna be...
alright"

-the beatles


it's just got to be.
i'm exhausting my powers of positive thinking here in gilbertland.

life lessons

this week has been draining but amazing all at the same time. there has been so much time outside, so much time in the forest. my chest is full of so many emotions. thank you for all your kind words and prayers. i'm going to carve out some time tomorrow to get back to all of you. thank you. thank you.

our life is full of lessons, especially during this time.

here were the lessons this week:

get outside as much as you can. outside equals therapy.

let your friends take care of you and get you a cup of tea. even if you're crying. even if your eyes are swollen and you look like poop, they will still love you. you don't even have to talk.

go into the forest. letterbox. finding hidden things helps.

do something different. play with your friends. even if they are little people. little people are therapy. light a humongous fire in the forest. buy a couple of bags of marshmallows. and sunchips. sunchips are the key to happiness. burn wood from the forest. create something bright from something that's done living.

when all else fails, have a popsicle.

or two.


xx

time for bed

someone
most nearest and dearest
to my heart
has
breast cancer

and we are all
in the process
of finding out
and figuring out
what to do

there are doctor's appointments
in the city
and lots of scary stuff
to get through
while trying to hold
the family together

and then there are the
phone calls
where she says to me
"you are my strength
nina
and i love you"

how can i be her strength
when all i want
to do
is go to bed
and cry?

soul adventure

every day
for the past week
we have been
in the forest,
letterboxing,
squishing in quaking bogs,
in vernal pools poking around,
sitting around a campfire in the forest
toasting marshmallows
on dirty sticks.
it hasn't been perfect,
but it is just what it needs to be.

it's our own little soul adventure.

permission

sometimes you just need permission to take a break. to disappear.


here's your permission.

weekend hopes and dreams

i hope your weekend
is filled with
art projects
and jingly balls
and seedlings
and meowing
and blueberry scones
and bright open eyes
and quilts up to your chin
and little nibbles of cheese
and love.

M is for musk ox butt

why oh why do i love kimya dawson so much? because she believes in love and being a good person. and because she has a kids' cd coming out in september called "alphabutt". it's the kids' cd i wish i had written.

last night was a magical, fragrant getaway. i've been to a ton of concerts in my day, but i have to say that last night's may have taken the prize for "most fragrant" (i'm stealing this term from john- a couple of weekends ago we had a date that involved lots of homeless people at the library, skanky thrifting, and an hour at the salvation army. at the end of the date he proclaimed "this was the most fragrant day of my life!") seriously, last night's kimya dawson show (with four bands total- what what!?!) was so freakin' fragnant, and not in a good way. it started off kinda good smelling, kinda like college, and then it took a turn for the worse with the smell of popcorn and my beer burps and pulled pork and onions from dinner and then all i could smell was musk ox. i swear we were sitting next to some sort of musk-emitting creature but we could not locate them.

overall, a very fragrant and malodorous birthday celebration for boo-, but well worth staying up 6 hours past my bedtime for.

and the well is full

first off, HAPPY STINKIN' BIRTHDAY BOO! can't wait to celebrate in the city tonight and do our secret surprise activity that you probably already know about because you read my email. :)

in other news, life is fantastically packed with stuff. it seems every day lately is a lesson is savoring the moment and being fully immersed in whatever it is that we're doing. so much so that it's hard to visit back here and report on it all.

due to my attendance at the fantastic birth last week, this mama is back on coffee. and back in a big way. back in a way that reeks of "if i could have an IV of my delicious organic zen blend coffee then i would" kind of way. i forgot how much i love coffee, and how much i look forward to sipping (and gulping) down its goodness every day.

last week i took a solo soul journey up to portland, ME. it was something that i needed to do for myself- a way to disconnect from my phone and reconnect with the freezing cold rainy cityscape of portland. i went to the same coffee shop three times for three different beverages, i walked around in high heeled boots, bought new gloves, met my future tattoo artist and sat in his shop where incense burned and the walls were sage green, got a chance to meet soulemama and see her gorgeous works of art, and had a date with angela from lovegreendog. i topped the night off with a big steaming bowl of noodles and a heart-to-heart, and my well was full. thank you ang for listening!

right now i'm half watching a documentary called "the gates" that's making me long for a trip to NYC. and now i'm off to go finish knitting a big long scarf to wear on boo's birthday date tonight! hope your days are filled with all the good stuff, like raspberry pastries and endless cups of joe.

a interview, and how joey eats an apple

my day is filled with bits like this
conversations about nothing much
and so much
all at the same time
simple lessons disguised as prattle

this is how joey eats an apple
taking it all into his mouth
chewing and chewing
and then spitting it all back out onto the plate

i used to try to fight it
and try to get him to eat it properly
but then i thought to myself
hey, that's just how he is
that's how he rolls
taking the sweet juice out of life
and getting rid of the rest

we could all learn some lessons
from joey.

and the universe kicks my ass...again

and there it was...again, the universe packing a punch to my soul:

Is it so important that those in your life, Nina Beana, fully appreciate how much you mean to them?

Or can you get along just fine knowing it for yourself?

Yeah....
The Universe

the secret life of mama

there are so many things that my children don't know or aren't able to understand yet. when they got up this morning and bounded into the room, covering my face (and earlobes) with kisses and kubers, they were unaware of the secret life of mama bubbling under the surface.

you see, i had only gone to bed about an hour before. i came home, stripped off my clothes that were spattered in someone else's blood, and fell blissfully asleep for one hour before the day started.

this is the life of a doula- a life that breathes and grows mostly in the dark hours of the night. a secret place where hands are held, backs are massaged, comfort is given. me, driving through the night rain listening to the beatles "come together" and feeling connected to the world. holding someone at both their strongest and weakest moment. that feeling to watch the head crown, and then to watch the baby spill out. the blood. the glory of a new mom. the wiping of a brow. the first suck. the sweet baby cries filling the night, making sleep unnecessary.

this is my secret life.