soul adventure

every day
for the past week
we have been
in the forest,
letterboxing,
squishing in quaking bogs,
in vernal pools poking around,
sitting around a campfire in the forest
toasting marshmallows
on dirty sticks.
it hasn't been perfect,
but it is just what it needs to be.

it's our own little soul adventure.

permission

sometimes you just need permission to take a break. to disappear.


here's your permission.

weekend hopes and dreams

i hope your weekend
is filled with
art projects
and jingly balls
and seedlings
and meowing
and blueberry scones
and bright open eyes
and quilts up to your chin
and little nibbles of cheese
and love.

M is for musk ox butt

why oh why do i love kimya dawson so much? because she believes in love and being a good person. and because she has a kids' cd coming out in september called "alphabutt". it's the kids' cd i wish i had written.

last night was a magical, fragrant getaway. i've been to a ton of concerts in my day, but i have to say that last night's may have taken the prize for "most fragrant" (i'm stealing this term from john- a couple of weekends ago we had a date that involved lots of homeless people at the library, skanky thrifting, and an hour at the salvation army. at the end of the date he proclaimed "this was the most fragrant day of my life!") seriously, last night's kimya dawson show (with four bands total- what what!?!) was so freakin' fragnant, and not in a good way. it started off kinda good smelling, kinda like college, and then it took a turn for the worse with the smell of popcorn and my beer burps and pulled pork and onions from dinner and then all i could smell was musk ox. i swear we were sitting next to some sort of musk-emitting creature but we could not locate them.

overall, a very fragrant and malodorous birthday celebration for boo-, but well worth staying up 6 hours past my bedtime for.

and the well is full

first off, HAPPY STINKIN' BIRTHDAY BOO! can't wait to celebrate in the city tonight and do our secret surprise activity that you probably already know about because you read my email. :)

in other news, life is fantastically packed with stuff. it seems every day lately is a lesson is savoring the moment and being fully immersed in whatever it is that we're doing. so much so that it's hard to visit back here and report on it all.

due to my attendance at the fantastic birth last week, this mama is back on coffee. and back in a big way. back in a way that reeks of "if i could have an IV of my delicious organic zen blend coffee then i would" kind of way. i forgot how much i love coffee, and how much i look forward to sipping (and gulping) down its goodness every day.

last week i took a solo soul journey up to portland, ME. it was something that i needed to do for myself- a way to disconnect from my phone and reconnect with the freezing cold rainy cityscape of portland. i went to the same coffee shop three times for three different beverages, i walked around in high heeled boots, bought new gloves, met my future tattoo artist and sat in his shop where incense burned and the walls were sage green, got a chance to meet soulemama and see her gorgeous works of art, and had a date with angela from lovegreendog. i topped the night off with a big steaming bowl of noodles and a heart-to-heart, and my well was full. thank you ang for listening!

right now i'm half watching a documentary called "the gates" that's making me long for a trip to NYC. and now i'm off to go finish knitting a big long scarf to wear on boo's birthday date tonight! hope your days are filled with all the good stuff, like raspberry pastries and endless cups of joe.

a interview, and how joey eats an apple

my day is filled with bits like this
conversations about nothing much
and so much
all at the same time
simple lessons disguised as prattle

this is how joey eats an apple
taking it all into his mouth
chewing and chewing
and then spitting it all back out onto the plate

i used to try to fight it
and try to get him to eat it properly
but then i thought to myself
hey, that's just how he is
that's how he rolls
taking the sweet juice out of life
and getting rid of the rest

we could all learn some lessons
from joey.

and the universe kicks my ass...again

and there it was...again, the universe packing a punch to my soul:

Is it so important that those in your life, Nina Beana, fully appreciate how much you mean to them?

Or can you get along just fine knowing it for yourself?

Yeah....
The Universe

the secret life of mama

there are so many things that my children don't know or aren't able to understand yet. when they got up this morning and bounded into the room, covering my face (and earlobes) with kisses and kubers, they were unaware of the secret life of mama bubbling under the surface.

you see, i had only gone to bed about an hour before. i came home, stripped off my clothes that were spattered in someone else's blood, and fell blissfully asleep for one hour before the day started.

this is the life of a doula- a life that breathes and grows mostly in the dark hours of the night. a secret place where hands are held, backs are massaged, comfort is given. me, driving through the night rain listening to the beatles "come together" and feeling connected to the world. holding someone at both their strongest and weakest moment. that feeling to watch the head crown, and then to watch the baby spill out. the blood. the glory of a new mom. the wiping of a brow. the first suck. the sweet baby cries filling the night, making sleep unnecessary.

this is my secret life.

come, sit with me for a second

this week has been the ultimate lesson in letting go. it's been busy, and frenetic, and i haven't had much time to sit on my fanny and relax. and we know how much i love to sit down and relax. so reading has gone by the wayside, and emails have been starred and are waiting to be replied to, and the kitchen sink it filled with dishes. i'm waiting on attending the birth of a client who is almost two weeks past her due date. every night i go to sleep, clutching my phone, waiting for my grateful dead ringtone to scare the poop out of me. needless to say, sleep has not come easily these past couple of weeks.

there have been wakes and friends to comfort, drives to be taken and kids to be babysat. there have been playdates with 23 people swinging from the ceilings. there have been dinner dates with friends and plate after plate of salads. there have been trips to the store and massage after massage to be given. there have been treats to be bought and birthdays to be celebrated.

i'm looking forward to next week. i know it's bad to wish the time away, but seriously. next week shines brightly on the horizon, promising a time of not being on call for the first time in about three months. i don't have to figure out how to shove my cell phone into everyone outfit i have, even ones without pockets. if you wonder what that lump in my bra is, it's most likely my phone, waiting for a call. next week is quiet, with nothing much on the calendar except a full day of me, by myself, in maine. doing whatever i want to do. i'm treating myself with this because, hey, i made it through another week. a day of thrifting and sitting by myself reading and looking at art and meeting new friends. a day of quiet, away from my phone.

aaaaaah.

where's the fireplace?

damn it's cold out. and windy! my groceries almost blew right off the top of my shopping cart. and we've got a serious case of green boogies. and oh yeah, joey fell down the stairs and now has a black eye (is it possible that i love him more with a black eye? sick, but true).


but sometimes you just need to wear a tank-top and have a popsicle (or two) because it's spring. it's spring, right? it's about 20 degrees here, but hey, it's spring. i just follow grace's lead.


the sounds of my day? joey saying "mom, where's the fireplace? mom, where's the fireplace? mom, where's the firetruck?" and grace saying "happy birthday happy birthday happy birthday" maniacally as she designs yet another birthday card for her friend.

off to bathtime, where i will certainly get soaked from head to toe, and remain in my moist jeans for the remainder of the night.

beautious weekends to all!
nb.

the bathroom is my boardroom

every morning there is a hustle and bustle in our world that is family.

there are diapers to be changed and pee to wipe off my jeans and kix to be poured into bowls and cups of tea to be drank and snacks to be packed and showers and nails to be clipped and toys to trip over. there are dads to be woken up and sleepies to be washed out of eyes. and then it's off to school.

amidst the chaos, there's something calming and pure about our morning routine. don't get me wrong- there is whining and crying, and kids bursting into the shower. there are declarations of inappropriateness, but most importantly, there is our routine.

the bathroom is my boardroom in the morning. it's where i hold my daily meeting with my husband, carving out a couple of minutes for a family meeting every morning. we are surrounded by steam, and i'm usually tying up my hair, brushing my teeth. someone may be taking a dump. most certainly someone is asking for something in the background. we are interrupted. but we plod on with our meeting, making sure we are on the same page about the day, and the week ahead. we catch up in our own way, with the curtain between us.

it is most certainly one of my most favorite times of the day.

today

today

i am quiet.

xx

i have a secret

oh gray.

dear sweet gray.

you are wise beyond your years. you were born smart, just bursting with emotions and smartypantishness. it's baffling at times, the things you understand at four. you can describe to someone how to insert a tampon, what a tampon is for, and why it has that handy little blue string. we have conversations that maybe we shouldn't be having, but how can i not? you ask, and i usually tell. that's just the way that's it's always been, right?

fine.

but now that you are in school, and somewhat precocious, i fear that some of these things may end up coming back to bite me in the butt.

especially now that you have a fondness for "telling secrets".

i don't like secrets, gray! secrets are not cool. especially your secrets about me.

it's been brought to my attention that lately you have been sharing your little secret with many-a-person in our family.

this secret, gray, is not appropriate.

i know you find my genitalia way cool and interesting and all, but can you please stop sharing your secret that

mama has a hairy beanerdog

with the world?


thanks a bunch.

lovingly,
mama.

are you there god? it's me, nina beana.

it's nearly spring.

spring has me thinking about new clothes. and by new, i mean "clothes that my friends give me instead of dropping off at the salvation army."

so hello god, are you there? it's me nina beana. can you please send a message to my dear friends who are on the cusp of spring cleaning their closets, bursting with excitement to get rid of their nasty and/or ill-fitting clothes? can you please inspire them to kindly offer these clothes to me?

if you know me in real life, you know that i:
1. don't buy clothes, or rarely do and only if i'm going on vacation (read: never)
and
2. only wear clothes given to me by people. mainly, i get a cheap thrill off of saying "this is steph's shirt and kim's pants and this necklace is jess's and these undies are from high school." because you know, i usually buy my own undies. although i wouldn't put it past myself to wear cast-offs from friends.
and
3. really get off on going to clothes swaps. because for some reason i make out like a bandit and most always walk away with bags of shizz that i love and cherish
and
4. i just really love digging through bags of clothes.

so here's what i'm asking: can i have your old clothes?

purdy please?

when comes the sun?

i'm dying for the sun. and by sun i mean the real sun, not the sun that's out when it's 20 degrees out. i'm freezing. i guess it's my own fault because even though i live in snowy new england, i refuse to own a jacket. every morning i trek to grace's school in a sweater or sweatshirt. and it's cold today. for as long as i can remember i've had this thing with jackets, always ripping mine off when i got to the bus stop. there's just something about jackets. vests? i can do vests. but not so much the jacket.

lately i've taken a liking to turning up the hot water in the shower so my skin is almost scalding off. which makes for lovely dry skin, thank you very much.

funny thing is that i really don't love the summer. i don't love being hot so much, either. fall's my time to shine. but after this long winter, and an even longer february, i can't wait to bask in the springy sun. i like to drink my morning cup on the deck. i like to sit under the umbrella and do art projects. i like feeling like my house is bigger than these four walls.

have a freakin' cookie and take a seat!

have a cookie, will you?

certain things feed my soul, and some of these things include:

homemade chocolate chip cookies, but only after they have completely cooled off

an order of falafel from my favorite restaurant, with a side order of fries, salt, and ketchup from one of those little squat glass bottles

emails between some fabulous women about important things

some books, about important people

conversations with boo that go like this: "hey, did you spring ahead?" "-yeah, did you?", "no, i was just checking to see if you did." regarding the time change

family gelato trips

joey's obsession with lip gloss and his way of rubbing his lips on mine to get some

our tie-dyed easter eggs

and my dyed green index fingernail.

happy end of the weekend. happy birthday, steph!

tea bags

i like
to keep
my tea bags
in an oversized mason jar
on the kitchen counter
because just looking at them
all snuggled up in there
makes me feel good.

there's just too much to say lately so i've been saying not so much. my goal is to do more real one-on-one talking and meeting up with my peeps, and i must say that it's way better this way. life has been really busy with playdates and mamadates and stacks upon stacks of books to be consumed and february blues and spring cleaning and reorganizing and purging and even a little exercise thrown in for good measure. and did i mention that i kicked the coffee habit? this coming from a mama who would have had an IV of the black stuff if i could have. so that was a big one for me....and i don't miss it one bit. the two times i've cheated in the past month ended terribly- one with the worst heartburn of my life, and the second with the worst stomach flu ever (just a coincidence but i still took it as a sign....and note to self- don't get the stomach flu after eating a huge dinner of chicken parm and angel hair pasta). there's an upcoming birth and some corned beef to be eaten and beautiful new photographs from angels to be framed:

thank you mama al! i fondle this photo daily- thankfully it still has the plastic on it, or it would be covered in greasy buttery fingerprints.

one last thing that's really been keeping my head above water- joey's obsession with saying "merry christmas!". except it doesn't come out as merry christmas at all. it sounds exactly like "merry cat-piss". so i wake to the sounds of merry catpiss, and i fall asleep to "merry catpiss, mama. merry catpiss".


it's the little things that make me happy, evidently.

things to distract you: photobooth friday revisited

despite the lack of photobooth posts (and posts in general), there have been photobooths. like this little gem from last weekend: i'm holding a sign that grace made that says "mom". not quite sure if you can see it when it's scanned. i love gray's face in the third square down. i could just eat her.
then there was this strip that john and joey got me for christmas. i love joey's face in the bottom square. in a lot of ways his face pretty much sums joey up- whiny, needy, complainathon-2000. i can just hear him crying to get out of the booth- something between a whine and a cough. we call him whine-bag. we only say it because we love him.
then this solo booth of joey from right before christmas. whenever i feel sad i go over to this strip that is hanging in my kitchen and i focus in on the face that he's making in the third square down. when i look at it nothing else matters. i get these feelings like "i made this kid", and "he's his own little person" and "i could die happy right now".

this is the magic of photobooth strips.

a new earth

"although body-identification is one of the most basic forms of ego, the good news is that it is also the one that you can most easily go beyond. this is done not by trying to convince yourself that you are not your body, but by shifting your attention from the external form of your body and from thoughts about your body- beautiful, ugly, strong, weak, too fat, too thin- to the feeling of aliveness inside it." - eckhart tolle, from a new earth: awakening to your life purpose

um, word.