happy stinkin' valentine's day!

this will be me at the end of the day today. we've got two valentine's parties (not to mention the one that we went to yesterday) and then we're going to the indoor playground, one of my most stress-inducing places ever. i'm trying to channel my inner "peace love togetherness vibe" (thanks, c. for the talk last night, and for calling me a happy hippie even when i don't feel like one), even when the kids will inevitably hurt themselves or hurt others, break some bones, and crash after some major sugar highs!


did i mention that i quit coffee almost a week ago? i'm asking myself why right about now.


happy stinkin' valentine's day!

dear heartburn

hello, heartburn. it's nice to see you again. psyche! it's been a while since you've plauged me- let me see...the last time you stuck around john was in kosovo for 10 months, and i moved away from my home in NY and moved back to my childhood home. i holed up in my bedroom, waiting for news, waiting for anything. it was post 9-11, and everything seemed scary and horrible. i was taking paxil, and sometimes xanax, just to get through the day. because the days were long, and terrifying. i had a shit job that was good work but wrecking my life. working with troubled adolescents that tell you on a daily basis that your hair sucks, your face sucks, you suck- not the best job choice for someone so sad.

so back then, heartburn moved in and didn't leave for a while. but everything got much much better when my new husband came back, we moved back to NY, and we had our life back. life was still uncertain and scary at times, but i didn't have the heartburn anymore.

but now it's back.

but here's the tricky part- life is kind of amazing. so what gives, heartburn? why are you back to eff with me and my digestion? could it be the two bottles of balsamic vinegar that i've consumed in the past couple of weeks? could it be the coffee, the tylenol? could it be hormonal, could it be the banging and dancing in the car? why oh why are you back?

i promise i won't drink balsamic vinegar anymore (even though it's so delicious). i've stopped drinking coffee for you, heartburn, and that says a lot. i couldn't even completely quit when i was pregnant. but i've said a sad goodbye to coffee, and now i've quit it completely for you. what else do you want, heartburn? i'm eating lots of fruits and veggies. what am i doing wrong? even a sip of water sends you into a tailspin, making me gasp for air.

what gives?

please let me know if there's anything else i can sulkily give up for you. because heartburn, you know how much this girls loves herself some food. so don't keep wrecking it for me, ok?

thanks a freakin' bunch,

nina beana

for the record

the kids are playing quietly right now! what what?!? can it be true? until the polly pocket wars begin, here i am.

also, joey woke up at 6:30am this morning, which hasn't happened in weeks. which means that i am less zombielike than usual. which hopefully means that today is a good day.

this weekend was busy and involved actually leaving the house a multitude of times, which was much different from the rest of the week, where we played inside almost exclusively. we had two trips into the "big city" (what gray calls boston). i had a pad thai and we went to our favorite diner. we took some drives. watched boo jump into the atlantic ocean in drag. you know, the usual.

i'd just like to state for the record that fake eyelashes scare the crap out of me. especially when someone wearing the fake eyelashes is getting them trimmed while they are wearing them. (there were no injuries, although there was the chance of a nostril being sliced through).

i love the fallen lashes on the lipsticked lips.

happy birthday to you jen!

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happiest of days to our dear friend jen out in NY! i roused the kids this morning and they did this video for you- you can see gray's attitude because i shut "her show" off to film- joey is happy as a clam as usual. featured in the clip is the "puke bucket", which can also explain gray's crankiness. she's been throwing up for the past two days! so excuse the grouchiness...but HAPPY BIRTHDAY! we love you!

someone's problems are bigger than yours

wiener poopie. i love it. my day feels better already.

on tap for the day

stuck in the muck today, home with two sick kids. there's puking, and crying, and aching. the day started at 4am. i've already ingested 10 cups of coffee. healthy choice? not so much. but it's a mama's survival mechanism, and one's that foolproof for me.

today there are movies to be watched. there is this great book to be read. and alice in wonderland to be read to the kids, and maybe a little knitting nell. classes to be applied for, and card/postcard orders to be worked on. there's sewing to be done and chicken soup to be eaten. there's beautiful bouquets of flowers to be adored and admired, and snow outside to help us realize how warm and snuggly we are inside. there's a floor strewn with matchbox cars, and blankets and the smell of throw up all around. it's one of those days. the good and the bad, all balancing out in the end.

is it 6pm yet?

vagina power

some women choose to pursue, and have the ability to push real live human beings out of their vaginas. it sounds quite raw and raunchy and just not-right seeing it written that way, but seriously…right out of their vaginas. whole heads and arms and legs and chunks of blood and placentas and other bits and pieces come out, just like it was any other day, just like it was the most normal thing ever. human beings. people. they just come on out and meet and greet the world.

as a doula i’ve had the amazing opportunity to bear witness to some of these little humans beings making their debut. some choose to come out through avenues other than the vagina. and it’s just as amazing seeing a woman opened up, and her human love child coming through her abdomen. hello world, it’s me, and i’m here to stay.

what i’m trying to say, really, is that i’m pretty much in awe of women, women’s bodies, babies being born, the strength of the human spirit, pelvic bones, the light in a mom’s eyes when they first hold their baby that they’ve worked so hard for. today i’m honoring all these moms, and all the moms-to-be, and all of us who are a product of some seriously hard and amazing birth work from our own moms.

humans are so cool.

blurs from the universe

(found this picture on my camera- don't know where i was, when i took it, what i was aiming for, but somehow it's perfect for these past couple of weeks- shiny, bright, a blur.)

the universe had a rockin' message for me today:

Yes, Nina Beana, it's time for "good news and bad news"...

You, Nina Beana Gilbert, have just been named the luckiest person alive! The absolute luckiest! No one luckier for trillions of miles!

Can you imagine? Having an advantage in all of your adventures? Good fortune smiling upon you? Joy, passion, and dreams coming true? Folks secretly admiring you from lowered sunglasses? New friends seeking you out? Massive abundance effortlessly drawn into your life? Opportunity and adventure only ever a breath away?

Wow! I'd say things are really, really going to start changing for you!!!

The "bad" news?

You only ever had to visualize.

To the bazaar -
The Universe

i have felt like the luckiest person lately. 2008 has rocked so far. i feel more deeply connected in my friendships, many that have taken a backseat during these last couple of crazy years. when i listen to people i feel like it's becoming easier to really listen instead of just hearing. i feel like things are starting to align. i feel all these things despite the severe sleep deprivation. imagine.

i was going to write a post about mamas and the power of birth and women's bodies, but right now i'm just going to say...

hi, i'm here. i'm going to celebrate tonight with a drink or two, and some leftovers. i'm putting the kids to bed, and then i'm taking the night off. a night to watch TMZ guiltlessly, sipping on a cocktail, eating ice cream soup.

i'll be back in the morn, freshly rested.

what's your one thing?

i have a new philosophy that i've been testing out these past couple of weeks, and so far, it's really been working for me. it's pretty much the simplest thing ever, and not original, but follow along if you please.

basically, every day, at the start of the day, you pick one thing.

one thing that you really would like to accomplish. throw out the long 'to do' list and set your expectations low and i promise you will succeed! sounds backwards, but at least you accomplish one rockin' thing, right?

the great thing about your one thing, it can be little, something that you tend to procrastinate. or it can be this huge random overwhelming project that you've been putting off for months. i've been trying to alternate my one things lately. one day i'll pick something so small and ridonkulous that i find myself getting up off my arse and just accomplishing it. example- cut fingernails. duh! i can do that! and all of a sudden, when i do, i feel all accomplished. fingernails cut, check.

and then other days i'll pick something more time consuming and daunting. like "make three stuffed animals for friends." or "do sunprints with the kids". or "buy a shredder and home office organizing kit and get my life in order". you know, something big. and then i just do it. because all those days that i picked something small to accomplish...they act as my little cheerleaders and then all of a sudden i feel like i can conquer the world.

fingernails today, presidency tomorrow. you get the point.

what's your one thing today?

therapy and the universe

every day, i get a little nugget of wisdom delivered to my email inbox thanks to this beautiful site. it's like a virtual fortune cookie that i open every morning. this morning's packed a punch:

Sure, Nina Beana, you can always find prettier, handsomer, skinnier, wiser, richer, younger, or zippier. But more often than not, one might learn the most, laugh the loudest, and smile the widest with those they've already found, especially when they stop looking elsewhere.

Tallyho,
The Universe



kazam!, right?

yesterday i did some ten dollar therapy and bought a big ole box of my favorite incense and a new bumper sticker for the car. and i used a gift certificate and bought a butt load of valentines for the kids and some blank cards for myself. then i lit those candles and played all the songs and did all the right things. but you know what? yesterday still sucked. last night was pretty amazing, however, sitting around the table laughing with friends. so i'll count my blessings.

but today? today's not going to suck. today is going to rock.

today is one of my favorite days of the year- the local library booksale! it's the day that i save up my extra bills and extra shovey-elbows for! i have a date with boo at some point, where we'll spend hours searching for vampire books and vintage children's books and flower identification books.

therapy, i'm telling you.

naked

"the naked man never mislays his wallet" -japanese proverb

i'm thinking about this quote this morning. i'm not quite sure why. it's the quote from my senior year yearbook, tucked underneath my picture. which wasn't revolutionary but somewhat unconventional for my catholic all-girls high school, with me graduating with fifty something other girls. i've always loved this quote, not just because it has the word naked in it.

lately i feel the need to strip down, to clean up and organize, to make right many things that i've let slip by me for the past couple of months. like i always do at this time of year, i feel pent up, drowning in my own stuff, held back by my lists of to-do's and must sees. i need to refocus and spend more quality time actually doing the things i think about doing instead of sitting around feeling suffocated by them.

can i get a "what what!?!'

when i'm feeling like this everyone around me has the uncanny ability to make it look like they've got it all together. how is this possible? does anyone else feel like poop?

i loved kris carr's latest blog post about reprioritizing. three of her priorities that really resonate with me are:

"Replace online activities with real world actions. Call your pal rather than emailing him or her. Go out rather than getting sucked in."

if only i could eat these words, serve them up in some form that would really stick. i need a recharge. i've felt like shit since before my trip, with headaches every day, sinus crap, and stomach issues. every day i feel run down and don't feel like myself. so today's the day i'm turning it around. i'm going to start by drinking water. because for some crazy reason i've pretty much eliminated it from my diet (i usually have a glass around 4pm) so i'm going to work on that. and i may just go and get some pretty craft supplies and make a little something. and then light some candles and incense and do something fun with the kids. and maybe get some valentines. and then tonight i'm going to make a big fat meal and hang with my friends and catch up in real life. i'm going to stay up past 8pm and i'm not going to read about vampires for a change. i'm going to open up and try to feel like me again.

what what!?!

full size

this morning, at 5am, i was thinkin'. joey burst into the room in full salsa mode (and for anyone who doesn't know what this means, salsa is joey's cat alter-ego), screaming things like "PIRATE!" and "PINECONES!". then gray comes in and starts in with "joey, are you covered in pee? you're a pee head" and hops into bed too. here's what i was thinking- we have a FULL size bed. for four people...at the unsightly hour of 5am. it's mandatory cuddling. it's elbows and knees in the eyes. it's ridonkulous.

maybe someday if we live in a wee bigger house we can graduate to a queen. or maybe even a king (gasp!). but as we contemplate the possible addition of another babe to the family, how can five of us possibly fit in a full? how full is too full?

these are the things i think about at 5am.

behind the bathroom door

heard from behind the bathroom door, minutes ago, while gray was taking a poo on the loo:

"maaaaaaaaaaaaaama? why is there fairy dust on my panties?"

the things she comes up with. off to wipe some fanny. peace.

setting things straight

"The place to improve the world is first in one's own heart and head and hands." -Robert M. Pirsig

been lost in thought this week, emerging from our time away. it's been a week of contemplation, a week of digging out. a week of damage control and a week of challenges. a week of deep thoughts, of heavy boots, and of inspiration.

i'll be back soon, but for now, i'm off to nina beana land to set things straight.

also, this book has changed my life forever: what is the what by dave eggers. i can blame the majority of my absence this past week on this book. go out and get it and plan to be changed.

home again

we're home, and we're safe. thank you to everyone for your kind words of wisdom, and thanks to those who kept the kids occupied and loved while we were gone. we had an amazing time...perfect, really. but we're glad to be home, getting life back in order.

you can see our pictures here, if you'd like.


and welcome to the world dear sweet c.m.m. xx

i'm finally a woman

this morning, while discussing suitcases and packing, john was all "can't we just share a suitcase? we're only going to be gone for like two days" and i was all "no way, i'm not sharing. this is my one thing. i'm not splitting a suitcase! i'm not splitting anything! i'm filling up my whole suitcase with stuff that i'm not going to wear. a whole bunch of dresses and stuff".

a bit later, while he was in the shower, i hear john say "i'm just wondering when you became...like...a woman."


it was pretty much the quote of the year. i love it.

perspective

john butler trio- better than

All you want is
What you can't have
And if ya' just look around, man
You'll see you got magic

So just sit back and relax
Enjoy it while you still have it
Don't look back on life, man
And only see tragedy 'cause

chorus
You can be better than that
Let it get the better of you
What could be better than that?
Life's not about what's better than

You can be better than that
Let it get the better of you
What could be better than that?
Life's not about what's better

All the time while ya' lookin' away
There are things you can do, man
There's things you can say
Undo the, the ones you regret
When you're spending today
Get your gaze out tomorrow
And come what may, because

chorus

Oh, I know, sometimes
Things can get hard
But you should know, by now
They come and they go so fast
Oh, I do, why
Look to the other side 'cause I know
The grass is greener,
But just as hard to grow

So all you want is
What you can't have
And if ya' just look around, man
You'll see you got magic

So just sit back and relax
Enjoy it while you still have it
Don't look back on life, man
And only see tragedy 'cause

chorus


i'll be honest with you. i woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. i was not happy when the lights flipped on in my room at 5am. i was grouchy. my eyes were crusty. i wanted about three or four more hours of sleep. and ahead of me, all i saw was a day of being stuck in the house for the second day in a row without a car. and with two kids who will love each other one minute and then be at each other's throats another.

"i can't do this another day" i said to john.

"you can do it. you can" he says.

and then we turn the day around by dropping off our car at our rockstar mechanic and then go out for donuts and coffee. because donuts with sprinkles make everything better.

and you know what? it worked. i thought about perspective, and how lucky i am to have a house and healthy kids and incense to burn and a laptop and all these things to keep me comfortable and safe. my life isn't hard, i just had a crappy morning. in two days i'll be sunning my soul-sister-of-jennifer-love-hewitt's-butt on the beach. perspective.

which reminds me...the other day, gray says to me before school "hey mom, do you think those high school students will be lined up in the hallway today?" and i said "you mean the kindergarteners?" and she was all "yeah, same difference- high school, kindergarten".

perspective.

care to join me?

2007 was pretty freakin' rad. lots of cool stuff went down...so much so, in fact, that i cannot possibly list it all here. it was another year of staying home with the kids, watching them grow and learn about the world around them. there was a lot of time spent outside, lots of time in the garden. lots of delicious meals consumed. i was blessed with the opportunity to be present for the birth of three children. i have grown in my friendships, and grown in my relationship with my husband. i spent time with boo in NYC. we hung with our friends at lake george. i took a trip to hang with some soul sisters in woodstock, NY. we had lots of birthday celebrations. we crafted a lot and made lots of homemade gifts. we got a year older. my bum got a little bigger. joey can now speak in broken sentences. gray got smart as a whip, can almost read, broke her collarbone and got her gray tooth. our life is unpredictable, messy, carefree, full of love and bustle.

2008 promises to rock out, too. we're off at the end of the week for our second honeymoon (i'm calling it this...but really it's a "free work trip"). we may add another member to our little rockin' family. we will travel, and we may get a doggie dog with three legs. the world is open to us, if only we let go. it seems that the blogisphere is buzzing with words and phrases that people are holding on to for the new year. and my own is let go.

it never fails. if i'm feeling stressed and getting caught up in the details, i take a breath and remind myself to let go. things will fall into place perfectly. perfectly imperfect. they will happen, and they will be just as they were meant to be. and in the process, i'm better able to enjoy the experience.

so hello, 2008. i'm letting go of my expectations for you so you are fully able to do a funky booty dance in our faces.

help, i need somebody

i'm trying to be all breathe-in-breathe-out about our trip next week, but i'm nurrrrvess. i'm wondering if anyone out there in my lovely cyberspaceland can offer me any advice about leaving the kids for four days- mainly i'd like to know if anyone has a link to any good medical release forms- like the kind that say "if grace or joey need medical care person XYZ can take them to get it". i feel like there's so many things that i'm overlooking that i need to do. please peeps...help me dot my I's and cross my T's! thanks. meow.

new year, new undies

(reason #503 why i should never be allowed to homeschool my kids)


anyway, it's a new year, which evidently in nina beana land means new undies! why new undies, you ask? well, for starters, i don't think i've bought new underwear since i lived in watertown, ny what....um, about five years ago? i'm not joking. but that's cool, because i kinda like the undies i have...however worn they are. they are comfy! they fit my fanny! they are mine!

i did try to buy some underwear earlier in the year. i went to a crappy superstore and bought this megapack of undies in a size that i thought was my size. i got them home only to find out that they looked like mini thong panties and they weren't supposed to be. they didn't even cover my crack. so i hauled my underwearless butt back to the store and bought another megapack in another brand (bad move) in the same size that i wear in jeans...and i brought them home and literally unrolled the damn things and could've used them as tablecloths. i've never seen john laugh so hard in my life. they were so big, that once unrolled, they could not fit back into the package to be returned, no way, no how.

so i forgot about the underwear.

except on new years eve, when i bent over (in front of my mother in law, mind you), and my boo says to me "when the hell did you start wearing thongs?" and i'm all "i would NEVER wear thongs, are you kidding me?" and he's all "well you ARE wearing a thong" and then i reached back and felt that the elastic waistband of my favorite victoria's secret granny panny specials from 2000 had completely detached in about 100 places from the actual underwear. creating the weird not-sexy illusion of a thong.

needless to say my mother in law was not impressed.

so tonight, joey and i had a date night. i bribed him with french fries and a ride on the carousel and he let me (read: screamed "panties!" and "i want horsies!" and then had the worst poop shoot riot ever, smearing poop all over his clothes and his carriage) buy some new undies at victoria's slutty closet. twenty bucks says that none of the five pairs i got will fit.

but i tried! and i AM going on vacation next week, right? and it's a new year.

new year, new undies. my one and only resolution.