naked joy

today
i am channeling
the pure
joy
that is
swinging on a tire swing
naked
for a couple of hours
on one of the
hottest summer days.

xx

the joy that surrounds me

every day

i choose to focus
on the joy
that is all
around me.

love-punched

been busy getting punched in the face by love.

and don't get me wrong...

that's a very, very good thing.



just enjoying life, thinking about the big things.
loving how we're all connected,
and we are all a freaking mess.


i hope love punches you today. hard.

xx

real talk 2010

we have this friend pat, and he introduced us to the phrase "real talk". and by real talk he means saying it like it is, putting it all out there, hearing the hard stuff. you get the point, right?

well these past two weeks have been filled with "real talk".

so much so, we keep throwing around the phrase "real talk 2010" every time we say something heavy.

frankly, there have been some very difficult moments this past week. things that i can't write about here due to privacy issues. life is chaotic and crazy, but also predictable and beautiful. it's a conundrum, one that i am humbled by and honored to witness.

i'm learning how to deal with this unfamiliar tightness in my chest. i'm usually a very low stress person that let's everything roll off me, but the heartburn and tightness have returned lately. i still feel put-together and chill on the outside but my insides are screaming at me! i haven't felt like this since johnny was deployed to kosovo. i'm trying to treat myself to the things that matter- family time, whole foods trips, healthy food, a good bar of soap, a few good movies.

but i'm learning that life goes on. and that a little bit of real talk helps keep things real. the kids still need me to make them a million meals and snacks and drinks a day. lulu will inevitably take a dump on the deck. i will wash tie dyed clothes with the whites and ruin everything. i will have a pedicure party for the kids in the neighborhood, and pick strawberries, and do the dishes. i will fall into bed at the end of a long day and be thankful for all that i have.

nothing really stops when life gets crazy. it's the little real talk things that ground me.

happy father's day

inspired by mindy's call for father's day posts, i forwarded an email to johnny wondering if he'd like to participate. and this is what he came up with, without me even asking. i couldn't ask for a better father for my kids- one who never complains, and works hard every day for us. one who loves with his whole heart. thank you for your words, johnny. you inspire me to be better, always. xx



The one thing that makes me happiest in this world is seeing my kids blossom into wonderfully creative, talented, quirky and self-confident beings. The reality is, I have very little to do with this daily progression, which to be frank, sometimes makes me feel a bit disconnected but more so makes me that much more proud of them and my wife – who is by all accounts THE one that IS responsible for it. Every day when I stop to admire and listen to my children talk about their thoughts on love, family, acceptance of others and their seemingly grown-up ideas on art, creative projects and life itself, I’m reminded why I fell in love with my wife and continue to fall in love with her more and more every day.

Although I know it’s not enough for me to sit on the sidelines and stand-by in wonder as it all unfolds around me, it does give me great pleasure to be witness to the creativity and individuality taking hold in each of my children’s lives. I wish that I could be around more and I sometimes wish that my internal conflicts between my uncompromising drive for perfection in all things endeavored and the reality that nothing is ever really perfect and my focus on practicality and the inability to sometimes live in the moment didn’t affect my ability to demonstrate more love and acceptance to my own children. Because of this, I know, deep down inside that although it’s frustrating to sometimes watch from afar, it’s extremely comforting to know that the person most present and most constant in my kids’ lives is someone who’s ability to love and to teach and to show how life is truly meant to be lived is unmatched by anyone else I have ever met. For that, I am grateful beyond words.

Simply, I’m really glad that my kids have Nina(Bina) as their primary teacher in life. Although it sometimes frustrates me that none of my kids have much regard for facts, logic, planning, practicality etc., it makes me superbly happy that they all know who they are and are all very comfortable with themselves at such a young age. It makes me proud that Grace’s teacher is not only impressed with Grace’s intelligence, wit and scholastic ability but even more so with the kindness she shows to others, her genuine gift for teaching and communicating with those who may be challenged and her refusal to be embarrassed by her own choices in funky outfits, vegetarian lunches, and “against the grain” haircuts (and let’s not forget her deep love for 1950’s vintage cat-eye, eyeglass frames).

Through seven years of watching my kids grow, flourish and bloom I’ve realized just how blessed I am. It’s through the focused lens of fatherhood that I’ve come to appreciate not only the differences and wonders in my kids, but the differences between us all and the reasons why those differences make each of us so wonderful. Fatherhood for me has elevated “acceptance” from a nebulous word in my vocabulary to a way of life and an overarching philosophy by which I live. I haven’t completely given up on reading Ayn Rand but I much more enjoy Todd Parr!

Having grown up without a father, fatherhood is a bit of a foreign idea to me. A pair of pants that sometime feel as though they were handmade for someone else nearly the same dimensions but with much thinner legs. They fit well in some places, but in others they chaffe a bit too much. I battle constantly with how to do it better and surely there are many areas in which I can and should improve. I am most thankful for my family because they challenge me daily to be a better person and to be a better father and aren’t afraid to tell me how to do it differently. I’ve come to understand that it’s healthy to hear from my four year old that I disappointed him in ways that I could have never imagined and it helps me to know that my seven year old feels acutely under whelmed with my current level of communication. If these are the issues my kids are discussing at the ages of four and seven and this is the level of understanding they are demonstrating about their universe and these are the values they hold dear as toddlers and young kids, what will these magical people be like when they are 16 or 25 or (gasp!) 32? I am so proud to be a father of three amazing kids and I’m supremely blessed to be married to the person who has single handedly made them that way.

Happy Fathers Day.

hula hooping!

johnny is very patient with and supportive of all my "projects" that i come up with. they usually involve me handing him directions and supplies and making him do everything (kind of like the tie dye episode). recently i've been interested in hula hooping, mainly thanks to this mama's blog. after reading these directions, i decided that we would make our own! and johnny was happy to comply.

after many crazy looks at lowe's, i bought the supplies, and let me tell you, it was the best $33 i have ever spent. all the kids in the neighborhood participated in the making of the hoops, and then everyone had a chance to try them out. it was the best night ever (and by 'best' i mean that johnny and i would occasionally look at each other like "when are all these kids going to leave so we can have a drink?")! and we still have lots of supplies left over to make more when our friends from NY come to visit us in a couple of weeks.

we've been carting our hoops around to various get-togethers and family parties, encouraging people to give it a try. i love watching people that say that they haven't tried it in years...they couldn't possibly...and then they try it and love it! we made our homemade hoops really big and it makes it super easy to be a hula hooping rockstar.

someday i'd like to learn some tricks, but for now i'm content sending the hoops around my waist, over and over, over and over. repeat.

xx


here's a little video of me being a complete dork:

what i call therapy

the best therapy
in my humble opinion
is getting out into nature
maybe finding a sheep
with little balls of poop stuck on his bum
and having a good laugh

i also think
that dancing to this song
(preferably on the coffee table)
is really, really therapeutic.

and it didn't even hurt

i just told joey to go into the bathroom and brush his teeth. you know, because 1:09pm seems like as good of a time as ever to brush your teeth, right? so he seemed to be taking quite a long time in there...which is fairly typical for joey. he tends to get sidetracked...a LOT. but he finally just emerged from the bathroom and declared proudly-

"HEY MOM, I JUST CUT MY HAIR WITH THESE SCISSORS....

AND IT DIDN'T EVEN HURT!"

he doesn't seem too bothered by the fact that there's a huge chunk of hair missing from the middle of his head.

just another day being joey's mama. no sweat.

xx

find beauty everywhere

because it's there for the taking.

xx

anything can happen today

the mind is the final frontier, evidently.


today is going to be incredible for you.
i feel it in my bones.

it's laying out before us,
ready for the taking.

i'm not kidding you
when i say
that anything can happen.

xx

tie dye

we've tried tie dye-ing before in the past but honestly it was a complete trainwreck. it involved making crappy end products (which i still wear mind you- and actually, lulu is wearing one today, too) but the colors faded over time. and it involved using lots of scalding pots on our grill, and destroying all our kitchen utensils and pans.

i've had my eye on this good tie dye kit for a while, and jumped on the chance when it was on sale--

we used this exact kit, which i would highly recommend. especially if you buy if for 50% off, or use a 40% off coupon.

the kits uses the good dyes, and soda ash to fix the colors. i also learned that using 100% cotton is key and makes a huge difference. i don't even know what kind of junk we used in the past but it made this kit look completely rock star. johnny, being johnny, researched and WATCHED THE DVD THAT CAME WITH THE KIT MULTIPLE TIMES before we could start the adventure as a family. but let me tell you, the research paid off and they all came out amazing! and nobody burnt any of their skin off! and the kids can tell you the names and differences between all the different patterns! and now we can all go out in public completely matching in tie dye and make complete strangers uncomfortable! it's perfect.

(of course, being in your underwear while doing tie dye, like joey is demonstrating, is completely key to the process as well)

you should totally try it.

weekend recap

the opening was totally freaking incredible, one of the best days. i felt supported, lifted up, and seen in so many ways. my favorite thing that was said all day was when my dad said "when the hell do you do all this stuff?!?" my reply was "it's my secret life!". and in a sense, it was...my secret life, on display for all to see.

the turnout was pretty amazing, considering i was expecting to sit there by my lonesome (or at least with the friend i made promise to come and sit with me!) almost 40 people came to the little coffee shop and inundated the staff with orders. and I ACTUALLY SOLD PIECES. what what? at the last minute, my friend encouraged me (read: lovingly forced) to put up prices. i did it for the learning experience but never expected to sell any of my paintings or photographs. and i sold 10 things (one of which was a series of 7 paintings)- which was almost half of what i had hung! and complete strangers bought my work! which was trippy and sweet. so that was the icing on the cake.

but what really got me all fuzzy was the warmth and energy that flew around all day- friends from near and far, a beautiful necklace made for me from a dear friend, friends with babies, friends showing their love, husbands of friends and friends of friends. life is beautiful, and i'm lucky to be living this one.

so i thank you- for the emails, for the cyber-support, for the messages and texts. for helping me actualize something scary, and for making it fun, and quite not-scary.

pooping sequins

i don't even know what made me think of this random goal- but one of my goals for 2010 was "have my paintings hang in a coffee shop". little did i know, all it would take was me carrying my tiny paintings in a peace sign covered basket to a local coffee shop, walking up to the counter and talking to the sweet owner. i said "so, want to look at my work and see if you like it enough?" and he took a peek and said "i like your stuff! want to be our featured artist for may?" (which ended up being pushed back to june due to some crazy weather issues...). so there it was- a goal realized. and it felt kind of good. and kind of scary.

without the help and constant (and i mean constant) encouragement of my dear friend C, i would not have pulled this off. she encouraged me to paint more, she watched my kids for me and walked screaming lulu out of the coffee shop after she threw a glass of water on the floor while i was setting up the show. she checked in on me and told me she was proud. and she's my fabulous PR girl and gives me credit when i discredit myself. so i give major props to her!

and props to johnny, for driving the kids around the block 50 times while i wired the backs of every painting that he carted into the space for me, all during the crazy lunch rush. try hanging paintings during a lunch rush! it's insanity.

this was a total learning process for me- and let me tell you, i had no idea what i was (or am) doing. all i know is that i made some things (i have about 20 paintings and photographs up) and hung them. they look nice. to me. and that's all that matters, right? it's kind of cool to see my paintings in a public space. my little painting hanging over the head of the person with the mayonnaise smeared on their mouth! it's a little trippy. i have learned that sometimes you have to work with what you have- i originally brought WAY too many pieces, and had to edit which ones to use when i found out that i had to use the nails that were already in the wall (it's a very old brick wall...with not so many nails). and so i couldn't hang them the way that i wanted to. and every time someone came into the coffee shop when i was hanging the pieces and opened or closed the door, they would fall off the wall. and for some reason i thought it would be a cool idea to bring ALL THREE OF MY WILD CHILDREN TO HANG MY FIRST SHOW. that wasn't the best idea. so i'll store that in my file for the future. like i said, it's a learning process.

i'm not fooling myself- this is small beans. but it's a start, and it's a symbol of something bigger for me. setting a goal that seems silly, or unachievable, and then just doing it. even though it feels uncomfortable. or like i'm faking it. but really, we're all faking it until we make it, right?

so tomorrow is my modest little opening. and i'm pooping sequins over it.

(back story- lulu took a poop on the deck this weekend while playing in the kiddie pool. we noticed that it seemed sparkly- and upon closer inspection we realized that IT HAD SEQUINS IN IT! (clearly she had about 39 carrots, too). and even though this picture will certainly offend and disgust some of you- i had to include it so you could see that I DON'T MAKE THIS STUFF UP. she poops sequins. and now i have a new catch phrase. which is amazing.)

taking a moment to smell the flowers

i was waiting in line to check in at the doctor's office the other day, which is quite a factory. the line spiraled around and i was at the end of it, almost late for my appointment. i was standing by the window, taking a deep breath in and trying to put it into perspective. i was desperately trying to think about how lucky i was to only have to go to the doctor every once in a while and not all the time like people with chronic illnesses. but i was still frustrated, not wanting to miss my appointment, not wanting to be there for this "precautionary thyroid ultrasound" anyway- not wanting to find out the results.

but when i looked out the window, i saw a very elderly woman. she was slowly, slowly, slowly making her way up the handicapped ramp. her eyes were almost completely swollen shut, and her face and eyelids were covered in large growths. as she made her way up toward the door, she noticed the gorgeous flower box under the window. she stopped. she hobbled over to the flowers, admired them, bent over and took a deep breath in.

and with that, i was ok with standing in line. i was ok with waiting. and i was struck by the amazing power of the universe to send me such powerful messages of love.

living the days that lay ahead

lately i've been sitting and having some major, life changing thoughts. i've also been having some crazy dreams, every night. am i on the cusp of something big? this year feels huge for me on so many different levels- growing as a mother, as an artist, and as a friend. deepening my spiritual practices just seems like a piece of a puzzle on this journey.

i'd like to say it's been easy. all this growing and changing. but with change and growth comes accountability. and some days are not easy at all. the days when i feel like a less-than-stellar mom, when i question the validity of my work. when i worry what people think about the path i'm walking. when i question the give and take.

and then there are those other days. those days that completely shine. the days when a friend calls just to tell me that she's proud of me. the days that i feel cradled and cared for. the days when i look around me and see the most incredible individuals, sharing my life with me. the days that i feel better than i've felt in forever. the sweetest part is in the knowing that there's a lifetime of these days spread out before me, just waiting to be lived.

i can't wait to live them.

xx

period- the end.

today i'm choosing to focus on the things that fill me up and make my life whole.