i ask you

how can one tiny person drive me so completely insane, bring me to my knees, make me sob...

but yet i could not live a moment without her?

how is it that she drives me bananas but i wouldn't change a thing about her?

(i found the note below on the fridge: "i love mom...she poops (poop's!) in my face. i love dad. hey does tommy dad (a family joke- joey is tommy the sloth and johnny is tommy dad the sloth). love grace). for the record, i don't really poop in her face. although now i'm tempted.

i ask you this, universe...

how did i get so lucky?

307 priceless moments, and bookwormishness

well hello there, 2010 peeps. for 2010, i'm vowing to be creative every day, and to spice up this corner a bit. so we'll see where that takes us! looking back on 2009 was a really rewarding process for me. i sat at my computer and looked through all my picture files (i usually upload my pics about once, max two times a month and label the folders and put them on an external hard drive to be forgotten about). this year, i sat and made a folder entitled "best moments of 2009" and then printed them all out. and there were 307 priceless 2009 moments that i absolutely had to print out. and i just sat there with johnny, looking through the huge stack of photos and felt so blessed for all the tiny beautiful moments of our life.

when hanging out with a dear friend for the first time in many weeks, she asked "what have you been up to lately?" and i found myself saying "not much" like i always do. but when i look back through the months worth of pictures, i realize that saying "not much" is just a cop out. it's easier. there's just too much to put into words. lots of little moments that add up to "too much to say".

one big part of my 2009 was all the great books i had the opportunity to read. some friends ask how i have the time to read with three little ones underfoot, and my answer to that is...3am. i go to bed super early every night (like 7pm) and then wake up around midnight and read for a good 3 or 4 hours. i love looking back on my lists of books for the year. i feel like all the characters are good friends that i collected over the year. i don't know what i would do without books. it would be a sad life, i think.

so here's my 2009 list! (clearly i went through a little francesca lia block craze!)

Books 2009:

Interview with the Vampire by Anne Rice

All The Fishes Come Home to Roost: An American Misfit in India by Rachel Manija Brown

Searching For The Sound: My Life With The Grateful Dead by Phil Lesh

Revenge of the Paste Eaters: Memoirs of a Misfit by Cheryl Peck

The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova

You Can’t Get There From Here: A Year On The Fringes Of A Shrinking World by Gayle Forman

A Cook’s Tour: Global Adventures in Extreme Cuisines by Anthony Bourdain

No Woman No Cry: My Life With Bob Marley by Rita Marley

The Glass Castle: A Memoir by Jeannette Walls

High Voltage Tattoo by Kat Von D

Jewel by Bret Lott

The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein

Labor of Love: A Midwife’s Memoir by Cara Muhlhahn

The Brief Wonderous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Diaz

Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea by Chelsea Handler

It Sucked and then I Cried: How I Had a Baby, A Breakdown, and a Much Needed Margarita by Heather B. Armstrong

Dumbfounded: Big Money. Big Hair. Big Problems. Or Why Having It All Isn’t For Sissies by Matt Rotschild

True Mom Confessions: Real Moms Get Real by Romi Lassally

Wetlands by Charlotte Roche

Coraline by Neil Gaiman

This Is All by Aidan Chambers

The Bonesetter’s Daughter by Amy Tan

The White Tiger by Aravind Adiga

Without a Map: A Memoir by Meredith Hall

My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands by Chelsea Handler

Salem Falls by Jodi Picoult

The Tenth Circle by Jodi Picoult

The Strain by Guillermo Del Toro

Untamed by P.C. Cast and Kristin Cast

Blood Roses by Francesca Lia Block

How To (Un)cage A Girl by Francesca Lia Block

Psyche In A Dress by Francesca Lia Block

Ecstasia by Francesca Lia Block

Primavera by Francesca Lia Block

Wasteland by Francesca Lia Block

The Waters and the Wild by Francesca Lia Block

A Homemade Life: Stories and Recipes From My Kitchen Table by Molly Wizenberg

Nighlight, A Parody by The Harvard Lampoon

Push/Precious by Sapphire

Olive Kitteridge by Elizabeth Strout

Night World (Secret Vampire, Daughters of Darkness, Spellbinder) by L.J. Smith

Marcelo in the Real World by Francesco X. Stork

Going Bovine by Libba Bray

The Lacuna by Barbara Kingsolver

dear december

dear december,
you were so full. and you are actually still happening, so this post should be called "dear december, part 1". really...there was just so much of you- i couldn't blog properly about you.

you were silly faces and chapped lips:

you were santa hats and gatherings with family:

you were thrifting:

you were full of celebrations, including a birthday for a special four year old boy:

you were crafty:

you were nutcrackery (thank you mom!):

you were homemade marshmallows:

and cooking with family:

you were full of friends and love:

you were handmade lotion:

and ornaments:

and lots of sewing on the machine:

you were kitschy:
and resourceful:

and full of simple creations:

and also filled with lots of naps by the christmas tree (and red cheeks):

you were fires outside in the snow, just because:

you were sledding:

but when you get down to the bare bones of it, december, you were pure love.



xx

i think

i think
that life
is pretty awesome
and also
pretty hard

but the key
to living
is making the
awesome parts
totally outweigh
the hard ones.

xx

rainbow life

inspired by this post of mccabe's, and the blinding whiteness of the snow outside, i offer you a little rainbow view of my life:







my rainbow posted backwards, but you get the point, right? xx

no more worrying!

evidently, my blog and facebook updates have been quite worrisome to a few of you out there, which is totally flattering and super cute. but here i am! happy and chipper again! this TMJ will not get the best of me (even though it's bringing me to my knees with the intense pain...and no- i have.not.seeked.medical.attention...that's for you people who love to tease me about my lack of medical interventions).

so i bring to you...

my gratitude list!

* humongous salads filled with green apples, baby spinach, nuts, feta, craisins, black beans, croutons, and a whole bunch of other delicious stuff. healthy? not so much. but delicious!

* lulu walking! and now she's trying to run, which is totally hysterical and will certainly end up in a broken bone at some point. seeing a 10 month old walk is really funny- looks like it shouldn't be happening. and if you ask me, IT SHOULDN'T. how is this possible?

* gray's two ginormous front teeth

* joey sleeping on the couch under the christmas tree

* beef stew on the stove

* the best kinds of visitors this week, bringing gifts of calzones, gelato, a bouquet of flowers, fall flavored breads, painting supplies, a new bar of soap, babies, listening ears, and love

* the end of crazy PMS

* l.j. smith's new vampire series

* the forecast of a bit of snow tomorrow night

* checking my mailbox for christmas cards every day (you might say i'm sort of a junkie)

* real emails from friends that make me feel not alone

* real friends showing up with open arms making me feel not crazy

* using hot cups of tea as hotpacks for my face

* waking up at 2am every morning, going downstairs, turning on the christmas tree, and laying down and looking at all the ornaments like a complete dork

* family-time that we call "church"

* being on-call for a birth that promises to be magical. as stressful (sitter-wise) that being on-call can be, there's something really exciting about waiting for the phone to ring, letting me know that mama and baby are ready to rock

* have i mentioned that i think twinkle lights on my headboard equals therapy?

* leaving in a minute or two for the bus stop and taking the kids on an afterschool adventure to meet santa in haverhill, which is just sort of funny if you know haverhill.

* seeing lulu on the floor right now pretending to read jack kerouac.

* vintage pillowcases

* homemade fudge. and brownies. and fudge brownies.

* sweet sweet 6pm bedtime. xx

the good stuff.

i am in desperate need of a grateful list. this week has been...well...a real piece of work week (as we like to call it here in gilbertland). i'm left feeling depleted and in need of a life vacation. so instead, i'll focus on the positive:

**the little sock monkey that decided to join joey&i on our fireside coffeeshop date the other day. he had his own seat in front of the fire.

**a wonderful stack of vintage chenille blankets gifted to me by a yard sale fairy

**an upcoming craft table with two inspiring women in boston- i'm looking forward to drinking coffee in the city, wearing a christmas apron, and basking in their creativity!

**this video clip from SNL- i can't stop laughing about it. thanks boo! MY DAD'S NOT A PHONE!

**pixie's new painting in her shop

**upcoming bonding time with this mama

**this blog has been rocking my world lately

**upcoming date to make these with some lovely ladies

**this tattoo design

**has anyone read this book?- the blog makes me think more about what i eat

**planning thanksgiving (we're hosting)

**our "gilbert family 2009 gratitude journal" that we've been making everyone write in when they come over

**nice clients at work that make me want to still be a massage therapist

**mexican casserole

**upcoming santa parade this weekend- the kids are on a float with my mom! always fun to stand on the sidelines and wave at them.

**christmas shopping done and christmas cards made. kids are getting about four things each this year (lulu gets two) and that's it. not doing gifts this year with lots of peeps and it feels so freeing to make a "no gift" pact with someone. not about the money so much as 'really, do we need more stuff?' i personally don't. seriously, you should try it.

aaaah. breathing in and out. today i'm keeping my voice low, wrapping myself in a big shawl, and having an extra cup of coffee. and trying to stay focused on the good stuff. xx

i am gray

(for mccabe, and wend.- xx)

at sweet mama wendy's suggestion, i sat down the other day and helped gray out with an "i am" poem.

she kept it pretty deep and appropriate until the third to last line.
but that's gray. she's just like that.


i am gray

i am talented and artistic
i wonder about when my recorder will come in
i hear my family's voice
i see all the paintings
i want to touch the moon
i am talented and artistic

i pretend to be an explorer
i feel that everything is magical
i touch the sun
i worry when somebody toots in my face and it's really splashy
i cry when i go to weddings
i am talented and artistic.


enjoy this sunday! xx

through her eyes

i love fall so much. but i love it even more when i upload my pictures and realize that gray has stolen my camera and documented her own love of fall. it makes it all that much sweeter.

sending out love to my dear friend pix today.

and a vintage book love update in the shop. xx

favorite things

scarves and boots and earrings and knee socks
hayrides and piles of leaves and mugs of steaming green tea
babies with rosy cheeks and stacks of quilts
chapter books and soup on the stove
pumpkins and laughter and walking hand-in-hand

these are a few of my favorite things... xx

love in unlikely places

lately, love has been showing up in the most unlikely of places::

in the muddy ground- a heart-shaped print of a deer

a new tooth
a cozy for my coffee
a rain-flattened leaf on my sunroof in the van

a heart-shaped carrot in my stew


it's really all around us. really. xx

bubbies

my sweet baby and my boobies have parted ways this week. it has been painful (excruciating, really, but surprisingly not as bad as baby #1 and baby #2 weaning) but also very rewarding. it pains me to admit this, but our lives have taken a turn for the better since the milkies have stopped flowing. lulu now sleeps every night from 6pm-6am. this is huge coming from a baby who LAST WEEK was up FOUR OR FIVE FREAKING TIMES TO NURSE. i'm trying not to beat myself up to badly about stopping nursing when she's only shy of nine months. i nursed gray and joey for 14 months (random, i know) and eight months seems so young. plus, i like burning all those extra calories! but why continue on the path if it's making everyone miserable, right? lulu (who is usually the happiest baby in the world) is now even happier, if that's possible. i'm getting a full night sleep, which is weirdly awesome. we've switched bedrooms (which was a transition) and i'm pretty sure our lives will be much easier from here on in. and the boob situation is getting better (after a full week of not nursing), and now i can actually go out into public without looking completely obscene (don't ask me about having to work on monday- day two of weaning. massage and engorgement do NOT mix, let me tell you).

so this is why i've been quiet this week. and crazy. really crazy actually- my hormones must be out of whack. but i'm looking forward to the weekend...and looking forward to my thoughts being able to focus on something else BESIDES BOOBS AND MILK. even this mushroom picture reminds me of "bubbies", but that doesn't surprise you, does it?

sale!

a wee sale in the shop today, just because. jump for joy! xx

who's your person?

when you are feeling
lost
overwhelmed
alone
totally bummed out-
there is someone out there
waiting.

maybe you feel
like nobody listens
when you talk
that you are alone
on your journey
that people around you
may take and take and take
and never take a minute
to check in with you
give back
take care of you

but i promise you

i really really promise you

that there is someone out there
that feels
exactly the same way
that you're feeling
and all you need to do
is find that person
sit down with them
take a deep breath
stay in each others' company
maybe have a sip or two of coffee
listen to the words you each
have to offer
commiserate
crack open for a while
it may feel icky at first
but before you know it
you will feel all those craptastic feelings
you were feeling minutes before
melt away
(they'll feel better too)

you will be left feeling lighter
more secure
lifted up
tender
but confident
that you can
do it all again
for another day.
suddenly
you will find yourself
focusing on everything good
around you
when moments before
all you could see
was bad.
this will feel freeing
and you will
conquer the world
thanks to this new freedom.

go ahead.
go now.
go find your person.

xx

these faces

waking up at 4am and seeing this little face makes it a little bit more manageable

and these faces following shortly after just sweeten the deal.

xx

fall

the fall in new england is my medicine. throw what you will at me, universe, and i'm still gonna come out on top...thanks to sweet, sweet fall.

xx

(picture by johnny- notice the jeans. four people in one day said to me "i think it's time for new jeans". best part is that two of these people were my favorite three year old boys, which just made it so freakin' awesome.)

sustaining

(joey's portrait of mama)

there are lots of simple things
that make me happy::
a good cup of coffee
even a bad cup of coffee
eating with friends
being snuggled by babes
laughing on the couch
putting ponytails
in my daughter's hair
the tops of cupcakes
the silence when the kids go to bed
reading in bed
the sound of my neighbor's fountain
pumpkin-scented candles
a walk in the woods
an apple cider donut
with a pumpkin whoopie pie on the side
watching my friends' bellies grow
watching my friends' babies grow
carving out time to create things
the sound of the wind while i sleep
sleep
sleep
sleep.

what is sustaining you today?