nesting, creating, and hibernating

so here's where i've been these past couple of weeks dear people:

in the office drowning in art supplies, marinating.

staring at the sparkly lights and the jars of goodies all around.

working on some paintings. which is big for me. like huge.

this is my painting. hello, painting. i love looking at it. i love the bits of ephemera and the layers of paint peeking through. i think it would make the greatest addition to a baby's room. i need to take some better pictures in real light (it's been raining here forever so i snazzed up the colors a bit). eventually, it will go up in my etsy shop which i also worked on getting setting up this week (thanks to the support and lubbins of dear pix). if you are pre-interested before it goes up and want more deets, please feel free to email me and we'll talk. xx

so this is me. here, sitting right here. with incense burning all around. and some fall candles. i'm either here or in my basement, sorting through about 30 moldy bags of mixed baby and toddler clothes. spending about $100 on those huge 30 gallon bins, sorting and sorting. stacking and stacking. nesting and preparing for the arrival of this baby who's gender remains unknown. sweeping and sorting and creating. thinking of christmas already. presents to make and design. getting ready for a weekend away in the mountains, sans kiddies. as much as i hate to be away from them again, especially with grace being gone all week until 4pm at kindergarten (kindergarten!)- but i really am looking forward to celebrating the love of our friends, eating in diners, and tucking away in a big hotel bed at the end of the night- just pregnant me and my husband.

so that's the scoop.

what the heck have you been up to? do tell.

when all else fails

when all else fails
i have a burrito for breakfast
and an ice cream cone for lunch.

it's a good thing i don't homeschool

their version:




(i'm sad that the "you're a little flat" part got cut off of this version because it's our favorite part, but i can't find it anywhere right now- you get the point, though...)

our version:



my most favorite part of this video is how happy grace is because she's rubbing the crap out of her brother's earlobies.

hope you have a pooperific day! xx

deep breath in

the things that sustain me:

the beach
eating on the beach
blankets on the beach
laying on the beach and having sand get all over me
swimming in undies at the beach
even though it's freezing out

can you figure out where we were this weekend?

sit with me and wax poetic about my insanity

sit down with me a moment.

and feel free to reassure me that i am not going crazy.

"what's happening?" you ask. "how are you feeling?"

and here's the part where i look at you and tell you that i really have no freakin' idea.


things are wonderful.
still.
but i'm also dealing with all these strange post-squam feelings.
feelings that vacillate between thinking my head might blow off from all the creativity,
where i go to the store and stock-pile supplies and come home and spend the day
creating things with myself and with the kids.
the house is a beautiful mess
of painted papers
and scraps
and baskets of supplies.
there are twinkling lights hanging up in my studio space
and i feel like the floodgates have opened wide
and everything is flowing and right.

but i also feel
overwhelmed
and shut off
like i need to hibernate
like maybe i dind't make enough connections
that maybe people didn't like me enough

all those nasty
g.r.e.m.l.i.n.s.
that andrea scher talked about
are rearing their ugly heads.

why now?

why after all that beauty and perfection?

maybe it's the shock of being back in my daily life,
where rountine is a big ugly beast.
i'm fighting it.
i'm trying to live more genuinely in the moment.

i keep thinking back
to penelope's class
where i gathered sticks
alone
and formed them into a simple circle
and the light was dappled
and shining through the branches up above
into the center of the circle
and i stood inside
and took a deep breath

and just was.

fully full full full

(photo by susan tuttle)

how can i adequately express in words where i'm at right now?
i'm so filled with a new kind of peace that i never knew was inside of me.
i am full.
with new friends and old ones, strengthened.
my tribe, scattered across north america.
a renewed love and appreciation for all that i have in my own life, right in front of me.
my family, who missed me and tell me so.

i really think i should get away more often.


xx

i'm home

i'm home
safe
full
happy

and lucky.

did i mention lucky?

need time to process and drown in the love of my family. back soon. xx

and i'm off

off tomorrow to go rub elbows with some of the most creative and inspiring people in my blogging world. i couldn't be happier and more excited. coupled with the excitement of grace's first day of full day kindergarten tomorrow- this mama may not be getting much sleep tonight. thank god for an endless supply of vampire books to get me through the early morning hours. :)

thank you to all my beautiful people that are helping me make these five days possible. i could spank your fannies with gratitude forever and it wouldn't be enough.

see you next week!

(and yes johnny, i fully understand that i have humongous earlobies and that this picture scares you!!- LOBIES!)

today

today
i picked a bunch of pumpkins
in my dad's yard
with the kids

and today
we are dancing to
old school records on
the record player
waiting for our dear friends from california
to arrive

everything is slowly coming together
as i prepare to leave for five days
there will certainly be damage control upon return
but in the meantime
my mantra is
"today"

and

"the world will go on without me"


sounds simple,
but i do have to keep reminding myself.

so this is what i've been up to

howdy folks
lots going down around here, but mainly cooking this gilbert-child #3
as you can see, the oven is getting f.u.l.l., round, and plumpalicious.
baby is starting to move around, little tiny flutterings here and there reminding me of the oven-times for babes #1 and #2.
trying to keep things in perspective.
trying to savor the time that #3 can't talk back to me, and can't partake in the sibling rivalry.
waiting for squam, waiting to find out the gender of said baby (the day after i get home from squam) so i can stop calling the baby #3 and start calling it by it's name.
our names rock, btw, if i do say so myself, so i'm quite excited.
i love the idea of naming little baby boys these really crotchety old man names. our boy name is "ted" but he will be called teddy. and of course, teddy bear. but can you just picture the freakin' cutestness of a little tiny baby boy named teddy? teddy stonewall gilbert. i could just eat him already.
and the girl name...i'll just wait to share that one with you.

so that's it

food

sewing machine

kids loving and kids fighting

garden

walking in the woods

parties and cookouts

planning

that's my life.
off to an open house for kindergarten.
what the hell would i do if i didn't stay home?

xx

believe

(chickens and tummy)

life is on the brink of change. i can feel it in the air, can feel it all around. it's getting cooler (thank god!) and it's closer to my most favorite of seasons. finally i feel like i can spread my wings and get out a bit and enjoy the outside. we've been traveling, cooking, farming it up, frolicking with the chickens, painting on the porch every day, going to bed early at night. there have been preparations for squam and exciting conversations with inspiring people. there is magic in the air.

not to mention that it's almost time for back-to-school! i hate to admit to being excited about this, but the sibling rivalry (and subsequent scream-fests) have been at an all-time high here in gilbertland (as any of our recent visitors can attest to) so i think that a bit of separate-time for the kids will do everyone a bit of good.

there's just this weird message that keeps permeating through everything that whispers "everything will get easier in a couple of weeks, nina. i promise." and right now i'm choosing to believe.

it will be nice to get away

my mantra for the week.

xx happy almost weekend.

anyone want to rub the buddha?

this is me at 15 weeks. looks like it may be time to move on into the maternity clothes. because most of my peeps are at belly-level, they are always pointing out to me that my tummy is hanging out. i love this buddha of mine, but there's something about somebody pointing out to you that it's hanging out that just makes me want to, um, hide it.

so maybe it's because this is my third pregnancy in five years, but my belly just popped. popped like my midwife said something to the effect of "wow, that's interesting. you are quite popped out, aren't you?" (in a very loving way, of course). and complete strangers (clueless ones, albeit) say things like "due any day now, huh?" and i just laugh to myself thinking- oh, if you could only see me in another 20 weeks. with each of my other pregnancies, i gained 65 pounds of buddha belly (with expansion across the board thrown in for good measure). so i've got a ways to go. so much so that with pregnancy #3, my scale lays dormant and unused under the cabinet in the bathroom (where it lays usually when i'm not pregnant, too). when i go for checkups (like the one i have later on today...and i get to go ALONE! it's the little things...) i get on the scale backwards and tell them that i don't really care to know how much i weigh. call it denial, call it bliss, but i like expanding in a natural way without too much analyzing of what's right and wrong (luckily i've had care providers that have either been supportive of my weight gain or haven't given a crap about it so i don't get too much flak).


one of the best things about having an expanding buddha, coupled with the little people that are eye-level, are the constant lubbins that the bellybaby gets. we still don't know the gender yet, so the kids whisper both names we have chosen for the baby, and then always make sure to say "i love you". it's completely trippy to think that some day early next year this little one will be a full fledged member of team gilbert, complete with their own quirky gilbert traits and team spirit.

go buddha!

don't put your peanut on the table!

it's only 6amish, and i'm already saying things like "don't put your peanut on the table!"

and i don't mean peanut like peanut butter.

also, joey has lost a bit (understatement) of weight following his surgery. he barely had a bum to begin with, but looking at his nakedness this morning, i said "where did your bum go? you have no bum!" and he replied "yes i do, mama. i love to toot in your face!".

so after a big of a blogging break, i feel ready to return. these past days have been filled with ups and downs, with lots and lots of caramel thrown in to remind me of all the beautiful things in my life. there were parties and cakes and songs and beach trips and and fresh veggies and herbs and gift cards to my favorite places and new clothes and delicious dinners and slices of pizza on the sand and dinners alone with my husband and some tears and some snuggles and lots of beautiful messages to remind me that i am loved. and it's a beautiful thing. a beautiful, beautiful, thing.

thank you for being on this crazy ride with me, and spreading your sweet caramel all over my world. xx

maybe

"maybe there is more truth in how you feel than in what actually happens." -ann brashares

"maybe happiness didn't have to be about big, sweeping circumstances, about having everything in your life in place. maybe it was about stringing together a bunch of small pleasures. wearing slippers and watching the miss universe contest. eating a brownie with vanilla ice cream. getting to level seven in dragon master and knowing there were twenty levels to go.

maybe happiness was just a matter of the little upticks- the traffic signal that said "walk" the second you got there- and downticks- the itchy tag at the back of your collar- that happened to every person in the course of a day. maybe everybody had the same alloted measure of happiness within each day.

maybe it didn't matter if you were a world-famous heartthrob or a painful geek. maybe it didn't matter if your friend was possibly dying.

maybe you just got through it. maybe that was all you could ask for."

-ann brashares, from the sisterhood of the traveling pants

life gets busy

this morning in the shower
i had this moment
where i was like
oh crap!
it's less than a month until squam
but there's so much
other stuff
going on
that i feel like i'm not going to be
adequately prepared
to get as much as i
fully can
out of the experience

for example
when am i going to go out
and buy supplies
and create gifties
and pack
and mentally prepare to bathe in the goodness of all my goddesses?
before squam
we've got fifty parties
dance camp
three thousand doctor appointments
and then there's grace's first day of kindergarten
on the actual day that i leave, the 10th.

does anyone out there
feel so overwhelmed
with regular life
that
you worry
that you won't be able
to fully immerse
in the extra special stuff?

or does that just happen naturally?

please help.
(and also, i'd love to hear who else out there will be going...maybe that will make me feel better!)

the dumps

these are the kinds of pictures
that i find
on my camera
when i upload
my pictures
to the computer

and even though
these pictures
may disgust the normal person
or the person who may not
really know team gilbert

i find them
absolutely precious

and i love thinking about
the moment
when grace decides
to rummage through
my bag
to find my camera
turns it on herself
and chooses to document
a big poop
that her brother has taken
in the potty

can i just say that my children freakin' rock?




in other news
joey had his tonsils and adenoids out
on friday
and we spent some time
in the hospital
with doctors and anesthesiologists and IV's and crying and comfort
and beeping monitors and drugs and no sleep
he's home now
and i pretty much
think he's the
most bravest little person
in the whole wide world.

thank you everyone for thinking of us
and calling and emailing and taking caramel.

xx.

can i just state for the record?

that this is me, right now, lying in bed...about to fall asleep even though it's only 6:30pm? (thanks for the shirts, erin...as you can see, i'm already making use of them!)

and that pretty much i am happiest when surrounded by the cutest and most loving children in the world?

and that hugs from friends are like balm to the soul?

and that faces like these make even the toughest of days possible?

and that pretty much i think i couldn't make it in this life if it weren't for supporting, open-hearted, and loving friends (who cook me food, make me sit down, and take care of all the details for me)? thank you mama al and my CT friends for filling my well and getting me ready to face the next couple of weeks.

what fills your well, dear one? xx

life is good

"we can never have enough of nature" -henry david thoreau

"we can never have enough of underbites" -grace eileen gilbert


today i spent the day
at the sewing machine
creating things
and then in a blueberry filed
picking blueberries
with my family
and then
at whole foods
sniffing things
and eating a delicious healthy lunch
and now
i'm having
a moment
of alone time
while the kids
take a walk
around the block
with daddy

so pretty much
life is good

how about you?

what a week

it's no surprise that i've had even less computer time this week. today is the last day of our week long visit with auntie emily, my bestest college roommate from clark. boo (also from college) took the week off and joined us for most of our adventures. for three people that traveled across the country together, lived in a car and a tent together for five weeks, we still have the love for each other and pick up perfectly every year when we convene for our week long vacation in gilbertville.

i picked emily up at the airport last friday and the week has been filled with all the best sorts of things that feed my soul. there's been lots of driving across the state(s) for adventuring. lots of time outside. lots of veggies and lots of snacking. lots of eating out and lots of decadent fried seaside food. two days in a row of fried clams. there's the swimming. and the blueberry picking with the dragonflies. and the homemade blueberry streusel muffins in the morning, made with grace's love and taste testing. then the walks in the garden in the woods, looking at the giant wooden nature sculptures. the italian rice balls with prosciutto, and the fancy sandwiches. the piling into the car and the endless iced coffees. the car shows and the peeking into the cabins of trucks and declaring them comfy. the coffee cookies and cream ice cream and the sticky faces and hands. the photobooth goofiness, the splitting of a newspaper, and the raspberry lime rickeys. the birthday party of a baby that i witnessed being born exactly a year ago. dinner and dips in the pool. storytellers at the library and picnics on the green grass at castle ruins. thrift shopping and finding treasures like someone else's cloth napkins. there was a beach day, with playing in the waves and the making of castles. there were fried clams and meltdowns and naps in the late afternoon. there were bowls of rice, and the cheering on of friends at a road race by the sea. there was an afternoon at a place so perfect and picturesque that it looked fake when we took pictures. there were sticks of incense and treats and treasures to be purchased. there were early nights with sandy feet in our beds.

it was a week of friends, and a week of family. it was a week of indulgence, of good food and good conversation. it was an overwhelming rollercoaster ride of a week (in that i'm-so-pregnant-and-still-puking-my-guts-up kinda way), but it was ours and it was perfect.

until next year!

6 word memoir

tagged by the beautiful, smart, and satchelicious mama wendy to write my 6 word memoir...i'm left with nothing but silliness on this morning that started so early. so here i go...

we laugh at the word anus.


and for the more serious amongst you, there's this:

i am the compass for them.


and because i have to, i tag the following dear peeps to write their 6 word memoir: jenica, mindertins, and kirsten. xx

today
even though
it was 90 plus degrees
and i was puking my brains out
i had four of the smallest, most precious hands
rubbing my back and asking me if i was ok while i hovered over the toilet bowl

and that just made it better.

thank you little ones for making life magic.

the emails we send

to get through the day
sometimes we send
flirty and unserious emails
that are sometimes
completely ridiculous

it makes
the long days
seem less long
and
it just makes me feel better.

exhibit A:

hey bub,
pretty much
nobody.

pretty much
nobody loves me
nobody cares
nobody treats me like a pregnant goddess
nobody puts my special cream on

nobody.

nobody!

how come nobody loves me?

could you please love me a little bit more, please?

xx

there have been

there have been
butterfly museums
with butterflies landing on every possible surface around us
simultaneously so bright and fabulous
but really quite freaky, too

there have been
days and days
of sitting in the pool
the cooler beside us
filled with homemade treats
and some cheeze-its for good measure

there have been
dirty feet
filled with slivers
that will never be taken out
to spare us
from the screams of agony

there have been
doctors appointments
for jogeybear
and his giant steak-tip-like tonsils
which will be coming out
during the beginning of august
those appointments
involve
bribery
and restraints
and they are not fun

but there are other things
that are way fun
and make up for
all that drama
and the morning sickness
that lasts throughout the day

there have been
nights where we eat ice cream for dinner
and nights that we slice up cucumbers
from my dad's garden
and dip them
into various things
and call that dinner
because it's too hot
to do anything else

there have been
farmers markets
and homemade tabouli
and homemade salsa
and homemade pesto
you should see my kitchen now
because it's quite the trainwreck
but that's ok
because we're well fed

there have been
nights and more nights
of me going to bed at 6pm
cranking the AC
laying in bed naked and pregnant
reading book after young adult book
like a good tween should be doing during the summer nights

there have been
moments of brightness
so illuminating
i think to myself
ok, this is it, my life is completely full
everything is perfect
and then there are those moments
so overwhelming
and bottomless
that i'm not quite sure
how i can get through the day

there
have
been
days
and
then
more days
of
summer.

knee-deep

i've been knee-deep in life, with barely a second to come up for debriefing.

kind of exactly how the summer should be, don't you think? xx

interview

one of my favorite things that gray and i do together is play a game called "interview". we have this little journal and we take turns interviewing each other. the questions are simple, like "what is your favorite snack? what is your favorite color?" and then we switch off. i'm tricky, because she doesn't even realizing that it's helping her reading and her writing while we're just having fun.

i love asking her the same questions week after week, to see how her answers change and evolve. one week her color is pink, and the next it's "every color in the rainbow". some of her answers just kill me, like

what's your favorite cereal?
-regular cheerios with sugar

what's your favorite flower?
-lily pad and a crocus

favorite snack?
-pistachios

favorite thing to do when you're bored?
-watch tv but my mom doesn't let me

favorite snack?
-corn

favorite sound?
-joey crying

favorite dream?
-"the dream i dreamed about ponies and princesses. i wish i had braces. would i look good in braces?"

favorite smell?
-joey's dumps

and the best one yet:

favorite food?
-"hamburgers! they kill the cows and make them into patios."

morbid, bizarre, true, and terrible, but one of the cutest things she's ever said.

complete

the last days
of laying on my stomach
are here
the days are long
and hot
and filled with
freeze pops
and dips in the pool
slices of pizza in the shade
and freshly made pesto for dinner

we all roll into bed early
exhausted
and complete

wants and needs

there are things that i want to do
that i need to do
but i've been too busy
finding out about my little fetus
hanging out in the city with friends
eating italian food
going to comedy shows
going to parties on the beach
going to fancy tea parties in real life castles

needless to say
when i have a minute
i'm either
in the bathroom
or sleeping

so hello
dear friends
i miss you.

when i disappear, this is where i go

searching for gold coins in the forest

frog hunting
volunteering and teaching the kids about charity

throwing back shots of ketchup

rock skipping in pools in the forest

running through green field at the top of hills in the middle of nowhere with my favorite little people



and you can't forget about the shows- there are many shows which include clapping, running in circles, and costumes.


off to eat hot-from-the-oven strawberry muffins made with fresh picked strawberries! gotta fill this growing madness, you know? :)

(love the dribbly water stains? sexy!)

we're stuck at home today without a car- want to come over?

my hope for you

my hope for you
today
is that you get a chance
to dance around
in your undies
to the fantastic sounds
of this man

just because it's friday.

funky

here's hoping that you get a little funky with yourself in the mirror today.

xx

what's happening?

100 degree heat
heat stroke
toes so swollen they threaten to burst open
and a humongous stomach, popping out all ready

it's pregnant summertime!

plus one

hello cybervillage,

now is as good of a time as any to let you know that we just found out that we're expecting baby number three. we are all thrilled and somewhat in shock, even though we were trying. i've never seen grace this excited. although it's very premature to be sharing this (i'm only a couple of weeks), we tend to announce early and hope for the best. historically, we've been very lucky with no pregnancy problems so we're forging ahead, letting people know, and hoping for the best.

pretty soon, where you see that empty space in the lower left hand side of the picture, there will be the final gilbert with their chubby little toes, making the circle complete.

any words of wisdom or advice? and how on earth am i supposed to nap when i've got two others tearing up the house? :) and is it possible to gain six pounds in the first two weeks of pregnancy? my questions for you are endless.

went ahead and did it

so for a while now johnny and i have been the tattoo junkies without any tattoos between us. it's not out of the ordinary to find us thumbing through skin art magazine at the public library, or looking through a stack of tattoo books. it's something we love but have been scared to take the leap in to- the big wide world of body art.

we've also been a bit leery of the sketchball tattoo artists in our area. you know...the ones that smoke at the counter when you go in to talk to them about your spiritual midwifery tattoo ideas. the ones that look at you like you're insane and then quote you $440 for a teeny tiny tattoo with no color.

so yeah. as of sunday morning, we didn't have any tattoos.

but during a recent trip to portland, ME, i fell in love with the work of phuc tran at tsunami tattoo (www.tsunamitattoo.com). granted, if you were in the market for some serious full-back tattoo or something, this would be your guy. his work would blow you away. and even though i was just getting a tiny piece in comparison, i made my appointment months ago, and waited patiently for it to arrive. i even made an exception for him because he wasn't a woman. and did i mention the three hour round trip it took for me to get to ME?

it was worth all the wait, let me tell you.

not only did he take the original design from ina may gaskin's spiritual midwifery (pretty much the best book ever) and then completely redesign it to make it more nina-beanaish and hippielicious, but he was 1. clean, 2. awesome, 3. burns my incense, 4. didn't mind my calloused and nasty piglets, and 5. talked incessantly with us about people who eat their own placentas. i heart my tattoo because it's got a little sunflower action and a little umbilical cord action and a little placenta action going on, and because each of my children are convinced that it is the likeness of them.

needless to say, i can't wait to go back for tattoo number two.

hello sweet world of body art!


(and if i wasn't already completely obsessed with taking pictures of feet before...now i have a new reason to look down and shoot)