what a week

it's no surprise that i've had even less computer time this week. today is the last day of our week long visit with auntie emily, my bestest college roommate from clark. boo (also from college) took the week off and joined us for most of our adventures. for three people that traveled across the country together, lived in a car and a tent together for five weeks, we still have the love for each other and pick up perfectly every year when we convene for our week long vacation in gilbertville.

i picked emily up at the airport last friday and the week has been filled with all the best sorts of things that feed my soul. there's been lots of driving across the state(s) for adventuring. lots of time outside. lots of veggies and lots of snacking. lots of eating out and lots of decadent fried seaside food. two days in a row of fried clams. there's the swimming. and the blueberry picking with the dragonflies. and the homemade blueberry streusel muffins in the morning, made with grace's love and taste testing. then the walks in the garden in the woods, looking at the giant wooden nature sculptures. the italian rice balls with prosciutto, and the fancy sandwiches. the piling into the car and the endless iced coffees. the car shows and the peeking into the cabins of trucks and declaring them comfy. the coffee cookies and cream ice cream and the sticky faces and hands. the photobooth goofiness, the splitting of a newspaper, and the raspberry lime rickeys. the birthday party of a baby that i witnessed being born exactly a year ago. dinner and dips in the pool. storytellers at the library and picnics on the green grass at castle ruins. thrift shopping and finding treasures like someone else's cloth napkins. there was a beach day, with playing in the waves and the making of castles. there were fried clams and meltdowns and naps in the late afternoon. there were bowls of rice, and the cheering on of friends at a road race by the sea. there was an afternoon at a place so perfect and picturesque that it looked fake when we took pictures. there were sticks of incense and treats and treasures to be purchased. there were early nights with sandy feet in our beds.

it was a week of friends, and a week of family. it was a week of indulgence, of good food and good conversation. it was an overwhelming rollercoaster ride of a week (in that i'm-so-pregnant-and-still-puking-my-guts-up kinda way), but it was ours and it was perfect.

until next year!

6 word memoir

tagged by the beautiful, smart, and satchelicious mama wendy to write my 6 word memoir...i'm left with nothing but silliness on this morning that started so early. so here i go...

we laugh at the word anus.


and for the more serious amongst you, there's this:

i am the compass for them.


and because i have to, i tag the following dear peeps to write their 6 word memoir: jenica, mindertins, and kirsten. xx

today
even though
it was 90 plus degrees
and i was puking my brains out
i had four of the smallest, most precious hands
rubbing my back and asking me if i was ok while i hovered over the toilet bowl

and that just made it better.

thank you little ones for making life magic.

the emails we send

to get through the day
sometimes we send
flirty and unserious emails
that are sometimes
completely ridiculous

it makes
the long days
seem less long
and
it just makes me feel better.

exhibit A:

hey bub,
pretty much
nobody.

pretty much
nobody loves me
nobody cares
nobody treats me like a pregnant goddess
nobody puts my special cream on

nobody.

nobody!

how come nobody loves me?

could you please love me a little bit more, please?

xx

there have been

there have been
butterfly museums
with butterflies landing on every possible surface around us
simultaneously so bright and fabulous
but really quite freaky, too

there have been
days and days
of sitting in the pool
the cooler beside us
filled with homemade treats
and some cheeze-its for good measure

there have been
dirty feet
filled with slivers
that will never be taken out
to spare us
from the screams of agony

there have been
doctors appointments
for jogeybear
and his giant steak-tip-like tonsils
which will be coming out
during the beginning of august
those appointments
involve
bribery
and restraints
and they are not fun

but there are other things
that are way fun
and make up for
all that drama
and the morning sickness
that lasts throughout the day

there have been
nights where we eat ice cream for dinner
and nights that we slice up cucumbers
from my dad's garden
and dip them
into various things
and call that dinner
because it's too hot
to do anything else

there have been
farmers markets
and homemade tabouli
and homemade salsa
and homemade pesto
you should see my kitchen now
because it's quite the trainwreck
but that's ok
because we're well fed

there have been
nights and more nights
of me going to bed at 6pm
cranking the AC
laying in bed naked and pregnant
reading book after young adult book
like a good tween should be doing during the summer nights

there have been
moments of brightness
so illuminating
i think to myself
ok, this is it, my life is completely full
everything is perfect
and then there are those moments
so overwhelming
and bottomless
that i'm not quite sure
how i can get through the day

there
have
been
days
and
then
more days
of
summer.

knee-deep

i've been knee-deep in life, with barely a second to come up for debriefing.

kind of exactly how the summer should be, don't you think? xx

interview

one of my favorite things that gray and i do together is play a game called "interview". we have this little journal and we take turns interviewing each other. the questions are simple, like "what is your favorite snack? what is your favorite color?" and then we switch off. i'm tricky, because she doesn't even realizing that it's helping her reading and her writing while we're just having fun.

i love asking her the same questions week after week, to see how her answers change and evolve. one week her color is pink, and the next it's "every color in the rainbow". some of her answers just kill me, like

what's your favorite cereal?
-regular cheerios with sugar

what's your favorite flower?
-lily pad and a crocus

favorite snack?
-pistachios

favorite thing to do when you're bored?
-watch tv but my mom doesn't let me

favorite snack?
-corn

favorite sound?
-joey crying

favorite dream?
-"the dream i dreamed about ponies and princesses. i wish i had braces. would i look good in braces?"

favorite smell?
-joey's dumps

and the best one yet:

favorite food?
-"hamburgers! they kill the cows and make them into patios."

morbid, bizarre, true, and terrible, but one of the cutest things she's ever said.

complete

the last days
of laying on my stomach
are here
the days are long
and hot
and filled with
freeze pops
and dips in the pool
slices of pizza in the shade
and freshly made pesto for dinner

we all roll into bed early
exhausted
and complete

wants and needs

there are things that i want to do
that i need to do
but i've been too busy
finding out about my little fetus
hanging out in the city with friends
eating italian food
going to comedy shows
going to parties on the beach
going to fancy tea parties in real life castles

needless to say
when i have a minute
i'm either
in the bathroom
or sleeping

so hello
dear friends
i miss you.

when i disappear, this is where i go

searching for gold coins in the forest

frog hunting
volunteering and teaching the kids about charity

throwing back shots of ketchup

rock skipping in pools in the forest

running through green field at the top of hills in the middle of nowhere with my favorite little people



and you can't forget about the shows- there are many shows which include clapping, running in circles, and costumes.


off to eat hot-from-the-oven strawberry muffins made with fresh picked strawberries! gotta fill this growing madness, you know? :)

(love the dribbly water stains? sexy!)

we're stuck at home today without a car- want to come over?

my hope for you

my hope for you
today
is that you get a chance
to dance around
in your undies
to the fantastic sounds
of this man

just because it's friday.

funky

here's hoping that you get a little funky with yourself in the mirror today.

xx

what's happening?

100 degree heat
heat stroke
toes so swollen they threaten to burst open
and a humongous stomach, popping out all ready

it's pregnant summertime!

plus one

hello cybervillage,

now is as good of a time as any to let you know that we just found out that we're expecting baby number three. we are all thrilled and somewhat in shock, even though we were trying. i've never seen grace this excited. although it's very premature to be sharing this (i'm only a couple of weeks), we tend to announce early and hope for the best. historically, we've been very lucky with no pregnancy problems so we're forging ahead, letting people know, and hoping for the best.

pretty soon, where you see that empty space in the lower left hand side of the picture, there will be the final gilbert with their chubby little toes, making the circle complete.

any words of wisdom or advice? and how on earth am i supposed to nap when i've got two others tearing up the house? :) and is it possible to gain six pounds in the first two weeks of pregnancy? my questions for you are endless.

went ahead and did it

so for a while now johnny and i have been the tattoo junkies without any tattoos between us. it's not out of the ordinary to find us thumbing through skin art magazine at the public library, or looking through a stack of tattoo books. it's something we love but have been scared to take the leap in to- the big wide world of body art.

we've also been a bit leery of the sketchball tattoo artists in our area. you know...the ones that smoke at the counter when you go in to talk to them about your spiritual midwifery tattoo ideas. the ones that look at you like you're insane and then quote you $440 for a teeny tiny tattoo with no color.

so yeah. as of sunday morning, we didn't have any tattoos.

but during a recent trip to portland, ME, i fell in love with the work of phuc tran at tsunami tattoo (www.tsunamitattoo.com). granted, if you were in the market for some serious full-back tattoo or something, this would be your guy. his work would blow you away. and even though i was just getting a tiny piece in comparison, i made my appointment months ago, and waited patiently for it to arrive. i even made an exception for him because he wasn't a woman. and did i mention the three hour round trip it took for me to get to ME?

it was worth all the wait, let me tell you.

not only did he take the original design from ina may gaskin's spiritual midwifery (pretty much the best book ever) and then completely redesign it to make it more nina-beanaish and hippielicious, but he was 1. clean, 2. awesome, 3. burns my incense, 4. didn't mind my calloused and nasty piglets, and 5. talked incessantly with us about people who eat their own placentas. i heart my tattoo because it's got a little sunflower action and a little umbilical cord action and a little placenta action going on, and because each of my children are convinced that it is the likeness of them.

needless to say, i can't wait to go back for tattoo number two.

hello sweet world of body art!


(and if i wasn't already completely obsessed with taking pictures of feet before...now i have a new reason to look down and shoot)

what you crashin' for?

it's no secret that i kind of suck ass when it comes to driving.

which is why, when we go on road-trips or weekend drives, johnny is usually the one driving.

it's not that i am intentionally a bad driver...but sometimes i get a little lost or other people start driving poorly around me and i get distracted and coupled with the frenetic banging (and the people driving around me subsequently making fun of me banging), sometimes i just make some driving mistakes.

which leads me to joey's cuteness.

this morning, at a particularly tricky intersection, i awkwardly slammed (or pressed very suddenly and firmly) on my brakes, and joey, from the backseat says:

what you crashin' for mama?

i wish i could say this was the first time that i've heard him say this expression, but i hear it quite often. it's one of my favorite things in life and every time he says it i want to pull over and eat his face off.

where have i been?

these past couple of weeks have been filled with so much goodness that i can barely reflect eloquently on their magnificence. plus, i'm having a serious case of computer paralysis, so bear with me.

there has been no shortage of:

friends, family, eating delicious food on the grill, dirty feet, a garden full on little plantlings, sunburnt shoulders, drippy popsicles, hikes in the woods, reunions with friends, a trip to burlington, VT, a healthy dose of gyros, little diners, fountain sodas, snack packs, croghan bologna, wine, hotel pools, cookies&milk in the lobby at 8:30pm, fudge, fire jugglers, new headbands, new capris, insane evangelists, ben&jerry's ice cream cones, playing in big fields of dandelions, photos with blissed out light, getting a bit lost, lake champlain, mosquitoes, big lumps on foreheads, salads, fresh herbs, greenhouses, funfetti cupcakes, calzones, couch debriefing, homemade gifts, beautiful stepping stones, belly tickles, hot tubs, sleeping late, skipping school, hummingbird feeders, releasing butterflies and ladybugs, juice boxes, poop shoots, family parties, celebrations, birthdays, making up songs, piles of laundry, new bikes, tree hugging, skinned knees.

these are the things that keep me going, that fill me up, and make me grateful to be alive.

i punch houses

although we don't condone violence, i have to say that it's pretty stinkin' funny when joey gets all serious and says "i punch houses". evidently, he also punches my door and my screen. you should see him in the car when we drive through a thickly settled neighborhood- he's all "i punch houses i punch houses i punch houses".

hopefully it's just a stage.


here's to a beautiful long weekend! we're off to burlington, VT for a hippielicious vacation with our watertown friends. we can't wait to grow our armpit hair and eat hash brownies! just kidding- we'll be in the hotel pool with a bunch of toddlers- equally as trippy.

xx!

five

dear grace,

today, you turn five. five like seriously five years old, and i can barely stand it. you burst into the room this morning at 5am, just dying to hear happy birthday. and of course, we showered you with love and kisses, and sang to you, and we all got up and ate pancakes in your honor. you got a new pair of one dollar flip flops and you'd think i handed you the world, all wrapped up in a torn piece of recycled tissue paper. it's the little things that matter to you, and the ones that you'd least expect to mean something.

you are bright and full of emotions. every day i learn something from you, even if it's inappropriate. this morning, after snapping out of a bit of a mood, you looked at me with such purity and declared that i am the best mother in the whole universe. you used the word "universe" because that's just so you. you can hang with the big words, and your understanding of such complex situations and concepts amazes me.

yesterday we had a couple of hours by ourselves. we laid on the floor on our tummies and interviewed each other in your journal. you were so proud of writing your letters, and spelling out words. you spelled "joyful" as "jofol" and i almost broke down in tears. you said your favorite snack is pistachios, and that you love reggae.

you amaze me every step of the way.

when you look at me and say "best friends forever and ever" i am completely and utterly fulfilled as your mother. thank you for being born to me five short years ago. you took a little extra time to make your debut, but you were worth the wait.

i love you forever.

mama

friday video tearjerkers

why is it when i watched this video this morning i bawled hysterically? i mean like a face full of hot wet tears, just staring at the screen, bawling. grace looked over at me quizzically and was all "why are you crying at THIS?" but there's just something about all these people getting together and doing something beautiful.



and then there's this video (found thanks to bohogirl), which just sends me over the edge. i wish there was some way possible that we could each bottle up the pure joy and innocence from our youths and draw from it when our well is feeling a bit empty.

may you all dance with reckless abandon on this beautiful friday.

i like

i like
listening to what kids have to say
standing in weird moss without shoes on
burning incense in my front porch while i work on my sewing machine
playing with vintage papers
smooching the tops of heads
wiping away tears
sitting on my couch eating salads and beans with friends
talking about strawberries and tough stuff all in one conversation
taking trips and exploring new restaurants
growing things in paper cups and seeing what happens
going to the dollar store and loading up on craft supplies
getting together with people i love and doing nothing
having a stack of books near my bed so i can look at them when i wake up
going to bed really early and waking up to the kids talking about boobies
reading book after book about things that inspire me
crossing on things on my to do list
planning projects to inspire the kids
letting go of all my preconceived notions about what a good mother is
sniffing my new sandalwood soap in the shower every morning
sprouting my own sprouts in the kitchen
clipping my herbs on the deck
letting my peppermint spread over my yard and take over the world
massaging beautiful people and talking about their lives
learning about faraway places
forgetting about trying to make it all come out perfect.

what do you like today, dear friends?

inappropriate dump song

"josephine
he really likes trucks
he loves his ears
he loves his ears!
earlobies!
josephine
he really likes taking a dump
and farting
and peeing on mama's head
really fast!
and he takes a dump when he goes pee
he takes a dump when he goes pee
earlobies take minature dumps in the toilet
and joey takes a dump in the potty
like earlobebeezees
so kuberist
and peuwist
and earlobies
are so kuberist!..."

we like making up songs about poop.

to all my mamas

Happy Mother's Day! May your day be filled with love and light (and a little bit of magic thrown in for good measure).

when all else fails

pack yourself into the car
with the kids
and about four or five dollars
and go to
your local
salvation army
and spend a couple of hours
laughing
at the winnie the pooh
extra large sweatshirts
and the puffy-paint christmas shirts
and the cutoff jeans
try some stuff on
and be silly
and let the kids
make funny faces
and be loud
in the dressing room
and maybe
just maybe
you will find a treasure
or two
like the too-small bright blue
sweatshirt
with a big monkey on it
that you just have to have
for a dollar
or that big bright red
american tourister
mini-suitcase
that belonged to someone
named peggy
when she was still alive.


i promise you
all of the above things
will make you feel

better.

letterboxing and mindspiration

dearest local peeps,

we finally did it! we created and placed our first family letterbox. it's located in andover, MA, in the most beautiful of spots. you should definitely take an hour, explore, and try to find the box. here are the directions to it:

team gilbert "wild calla" letterbox link

the stamp-carving was done by johnny and it came out absolutely amazing. i think he missed his calling as a stamp carver and somehow ended up as a corporate recruiter. the kids enjoyed the research on the wild calla. go check out the bog now, because the wild callas are popping up everywhere (and snakes! but that's another story for another day).



and in other news, go check out mindy's new spot! it's chock-full of inspiration (should i say mindspiration?). i have a little wishmama's piece up now about doing keri smith's wreck this journal with kids.

i believe in hippies

this morning, while driving around town, i randomly asked gray

"gray, are you religious?"

and she replied

"yeah".

and i said

"well, what do you believe in?"

and all whispery and creepalicious, she replied


"hippies..."

okay

"all of the moments in my life, everyone i have met, every trip i have taken, every success i have enjoyed, every blunder i have made, every loss i have endured has been just right. i'm not saving they were all good or that they happened for a reason--i don't buy that brand of pap fatalism--but they have been right. they have been...okay. as far as revelations go, it's pretty lame, i know. okay is not bliss, or even happiness. okay is not the basis for a new religion or self-help movement. okay won't get me on oprah. but okay is a start, and for that i am grateful."

-eric weiner, the geography of bliss: one grump's search for the happiest places in the world

anti-mom

today is gray's class picture day at school.

i tried my best to find something not-stained or not-ripped for her to wear to school.

thinking i've picked a somewhat ok outfit, she dresses and i give her the quick once over. she looks...ok.

maybe a bit wrinkly?

ok, a ton wrinkly.

i look at john and say "she has her pictures today. she looks wicked wrinkly!" then i ask gray to come over so i can attempt to "smooth out the wrinkles".

john looks up at me, laughs, and says "you are like the anti-mom."

and i say "what? that's hurtful! i'm not the anti-mom just because i don't iron!"

and he proceeds to explain how i'm the anti-soccer mom, etc. etc. because i don't iron and all that stuff. (we're laughing through this exchange, mind you- plus, it's his birthday so i have to play nice).

fine! maybe i am the anti-mom.

maybe being the anti-mom is the only thing that gets me through the day, being able to overlook the drips, the stains, and the bumps and allowing me to best smooth out the wrinkles of our lives.



let's hear it for anti-moms!

sacrifice the part to save the whole

humans amaze me

really, i am in constant awe

these past two weeks have been a whirlwind. in and out of hospitals with my mother-in-law. from bad mammogram to bad biopsy to complete mastectomy, only two weeks have gone by. two weeks? only two weeks? how can this be possible?

the things that we endure. it's really quite incredible. and while these weeks have been filled with tears and moments of silence and lots of fear, the bigger moments have been the ones of pride, of all-encompassing love, of support from friends and family and nurses with hearts of gold, and amazement.

my mother-in-law is the prime example of someone who suffers in silence. of someone who will sacrifice a part to save the whole without once looking back. someone who comes out of a major surgery, just having one of her body parts cut off, and when i go visit her in recovery, she looks at me all drugged from medication and immediately says

"nina, have you eaten? i feel terrible, you must be exhausted."

again, i'm in awe. and i'm honored that i was able to be present alongside her in her journey to wellness and i'm in shock, and eternally grateful, that her lymph nodes came back negative.

she's dodged another bullet and we all just stare with mouths wide open.


thank you all for your love. xx

got to be

"you know it's gonna be...
alright"

-the beatles


it's just got to be.
i'm exhausting my powers of positive thinking here in gilbertland.

life lessons

this week has been draining but amazing all at the same time. there has been so much time outside, so much time in the forest. my chest is full of so many emotions. thank you for all your kind words and prayers. i'm going to carve out some time tomorrow to get back to all of you. thank you. thank you.

our life is full of lessons, especially during this time.

here were the lessons this week:

get outside as much as you can. outside equals therapy.

let your friends take care of you and get you a cup of tea. even if you're crying. even if your eyes are swollen and you look like poop, they will still love you. you don't even have to talk.

go into the forest. letterbox. finding hidden things helps.

do something different. play with your friends. even if they are little people. little people are therapy. light a humongous fire in the forest. buy a couple of bags of marshmallows. and sunchips. sunchips are the key to happiness. burn wood from the forest. create something bright from something that's done living.

when all else fails, have a popsicle.

or two.


xx

time for bed

someone
most nearest and dearest
to my heart
has
breast cancer

and we are all
in the process
of finding out
and figuring out
what to do

there are doctor's appointments
in the city
and lots of scary stuff
to get through
while trying to hold
the family together

and then there are the
phone calls
where she says to me
"you are my strength
nina
and i love you"

how can i be her strength
when all i want
to do
is go to bed
and cry?

soul adventure

every day
for the past week
we have been
in the forest,
letterboxing,
squishing in quaking bogs,
in vernal pools poking around,
sitting around a campfire in the forest
toasting marshmallows
on dirty sticks.
it hasn't been perfect,
but it is just what it needs to be.

it's our own little soul adventure.

permission

sometimes you just need permission to take a break. to disappear.


here's your permission.

weekend hopes and dreams

i hope your weekend
is filled with
art projects
and jingly balls
and seedlings
and meowing
and blueberry scones
and bright open eyes
and quilts up to your chin
and little nibbles of cheese
and love.

M is for musk ox butt

why oh why do i love kimya dawson so much? because she believes in love and being a good person. and because she has a kids' cd coming out in september called "alphabutt". it's the kids' cd i wish i had written.

last night was a magical, fragrant getaway. i've been to a ton of concerts in my day, but i have to say that last night's may have taken the prize for "most fragrant" (i'm stealing this term from john- a couple of weekends ago we had a date that involved lots of homeless people at the library, skanky thrifting, and an hour at the salvation army. at the end of the date he proclaimed "this was the most fragrant day of my life!") seriously, last night's kimya dawson show (with four bands total- what what!?!) was so freakin' fragnant, and not in a good way. it started off kinda good smelling, kinda like college, and then it took a turn for the worse with the smell of popcorn and my beer burps and pulled pork and onions from dinner and then all i could smell was musk ox. i swear we were sitting next to some sort of musk-emitting creature but we could not locate them.

overall, a very fragrant and malodorous birthday celebration for boo-, but well worth staying up 6 hours past my bedtime for.

and the well is full

first off, HAPPY STINKIN' BIRTHDAY BOO! can't wait to celebrate in the city tonight and do our secret surprise activity that you probably already know about because you read my email. :)

in other news, life is fantastically packed with stuff. it seems every day lately is a lesson is savoring the moment and being fully immersed in whatever it is that we're doing. so much so that it's hard to visit back here and report on it all.

due to my attendance at the fantastic birth last week, this mama is back on coffee. and back in a big way. back in a way that reeks of "if i could have an IV of my delicious organic zen blend coffee then i would" kind of way. i forgot how much i love coffee, and how much i look forward to sipping (and gulping) down its goodness every day.

last week i took a solo soul journey up to portland, ME. it was something that i needed to do for myself- a way to disconnect from my phone and reconnect with the freezing cold rainy cityscape of portland. i went to the same coffee shop three times for three different beverages, i walked around in high heeled boots, bought new gloves, met my future tattoo artist and sat in his shop where incense burned and the walls were sage green, got a chance to meet soulemama and see her gorgeous works of art, and had a date with angela from lovegreendog. i topped the night off with a big steaming bowl of noodles and a heart-to-heart, and my well was full. thank you ang for listening!

right now i'm half watching a documentary called "the gates" that's making me long for a trip to NYC. and now i'm off to go finish knitting a big long scarf to wear on boo's birthday date tonight! hope your days are filled with all the good stuff, like raspberry pastries and endless cups of joe.

a interview, and how joey eats an apple

my day is filled with bits like this
conversations about nothing much
and so much
all at the same time
simple lessons disguised as prattle

this is how joey eats an apple
taking it all into his mouth
chewing and chewing
and then spitting it all back out onto the plate

i used to try to fight it
and try to get him to eat it properly
but then i thought to myself
hey, that's just how he is
that's how he rolls
taking the sweet juice out of life
and getting rid of the rest

we could all learn some lessons
from joey.

and the universe kicks my ass...again

and there it was...again, the universe packing a punch to my soul:

Is it so important that those in your life, Nina Beana, fully appreciate how much you mean to them?

Or can you get along just fine knowing it for yourself?

Yeah....
The Universe

the secret life of mama

there are so many things that my children don't know or aren't able to understand yet. when they got up this morning and bounded into the room, covering my face (and earlobes) with kisses and kubers, they were unaware of the secret life of mama bubbling under the surface.

you see, i had only gone to bed about an hour before. i came home, stripped off my clothes that were spattered in someone else's blood, and fell blissfully asleep for one hour before the day started.

this is the life of a doula- a life that breathes and grows mostly in the dark hours of the night. a secret place where hands are held, backs are massaged, comfort is given. me, driving through the night rain listening to the beatles "come together" and feeling connected to the world. holding someone at both their strongest and weakest moment. that feeling to watch the head crown, and then to watch the baby spill out. the blood. the glory of a new mom. the wiping of a brow. the first suck. the sweet baby cries filling the night, making sleep unnecessary.

this is my secret life.