got to be

"you know it's gonna be...
alright"

-the beatles


it's just got to be.
i'm exhausting my powers of positive thinking here in gilbertland.

life lessons

this week has been draining but amazing all at the same time. there has been so much time outside, so much time in the forest. my chest is full of so many emotions. thank you for all your kind words and prayers. i'm going to carve out some time tomorrow to get back to all of you. thank you. thank you.

our life is full of lessons, especially during this time.

here were the lessons this week:

get outside as much as you can. outside equals therapy.

let your friends take care of you and get you a cup of tea. even if you're crying. even if your eyes are swollen and you look like poop, they will still love you. you don't even have to talk.

go into the forest. letterbox. finding hidden things helps.

do something different. play with your friends. even if they are little people. little people are therapy. light a humongous fire in the forest. buy a couple of bags of marshmallows. and sunchips. sunchips are the key to happiness. burn wood from the forest. create something bright from something that's done living.

when all else fails, have a popsicle.

or two.


xx

time for bed

someone
most nearest and dearest
to my heart
has
breast cancer

and we are all
in the process
of finding out
and figuring out
what to do

there are doctor's appointments
in the city
and lots of scary stuff
to get through
while trying to hold
the family together

and then there are the
phone calls
where she says to me
"you are my strength
nina
and i love you"

how can i be her strength
when all i want
to do
is go to bed
and cry?

soul adventure

every day
for the past week
we have been
in the forest,
letterboxing,
squishing in quaking bogs,
in vernal pools poking around,
sitting around a campfire in the forest
toasting marshmallows
on dirty sticks.
it hasn't been perfect,
but it is just what it needs to be.

it's our own little soul adventure.

permission

sometimes you just need permission to take a break. to disappear.


here's your permission.

weekend hopes and dreams

i hope your weekend
is filled with
art projects
and jingly balls
and seedlings
and meowing
and blueberry scones
and bright open eyes
and quilts up to your chin
and little nibbles of cheese
and love.

M is for musk ox butt

why oh why do i love kimya dawson so much? because she believes in love and being a good person. and because she has a kids' cd coming out in september called "alphabutt". it's the kids' cd i wish i had written.

last night was a magical, fragrant getaway. i've been to a ton of concerts in my day, but i have to say that last night's may have taken the prize for "most fragrant" (i'm stealing this term from john- a couple of weekends ago we had a date that involved lots of homeless people at the library, skanky thrifting, and an hour at the salvation army. at the end of the date he proclaimed "this was the most fragrant day of my life!") seriously, last night's kimya dawson show (with four bands total- what what!?!) was so freakin' fragnant, and not in a good way. it started off kinda good smelling, kinda like college, and then it took a turn for the worse with the smell of popcorn and my beer burps and pulled pork and onions from dinner and then all i could smell was musk ox. i swear we were sitting next to some sort of musk-emitting creature but we could not locate them.

overall, a very fragrant and malodorous birthday celebration for boo-, but well worth staying up 6 hours past my bedtime for.

and the well is full

first off, HAPPY STINKIN' BIRTHDAY BOO! can't wait to celebrate in the city tonight and do our secret surprise activity that you probably already know about because you read my email. :)

in other news, life is fantastically packed with stuff. it seems every day lately is a lesson is savoring the moment and being fully immersed in whatever it is that we're doing. so much so that it's hard to visit back here and report on it all.

due to my attendance at the fantastic birth last week, this mama is back on coffee. and back in a big way. back in a way that reeks of "if i could have an IV of my delicious organic zen blend coffee then i would" kind of way. i forgot how much i love coffee, and how much i look forward to sipping (and gulping) down its goodness every day.

last week i took a solo soul journey up to portland, ME. it was something that i needed to do for myself- a way to disconnect from my phone and reconnect with the freezing cold rainy cityscape of portland. i went to the same coffee shop three times for three different beverages, i walked around in high heeled boots, bought new gloves, met my future tattoo artist and sat in his shop where incense burned and the walls were sage green, got a chance to meet soulemama and see her gorgeous works of art, and had a date with angela from lovegreendog. i topped the night off with a big steaming bowl of noodles and a heart-to-heart, and my well was full. thank you ang for listening!

right now i'm half watching a documentary called "the gates" that's making me long for a trip to NYC. and now i'm off to go finish knitting a big long scarf to wear on boo's birthday date tonight! hope your days are filled with all the good stuff, like raspberry pastries and endless cups of joe.

a interview, and how joey eats an apple

my day is filled with bits like this
conversations about nothing much
and so much
all at the same time
simple lessons disguised as prattle

this is how joey eats an apple
taking it all into his mouth
chewing and chewing
and then spitting it all back out onto the plate

i used to try to fight it
and try to get him to eat it properly
but then i thought to myself
hey, that's just how he is
that's how he rolls
taking the sweet juice out of life
and getting rid of the rest

we could all learn some lessons
from joey.

and the universe kicks my ass...again

and there it was...again, the universe packing a punch to my soul:

Is it so important that those in your life, Nina Beana, fully appreciate how much you mean to them?

Or can you get along just fine knowing it for yourself?

Yeah....
The Universe

the secret life of mama

there are so many things that my children don't know or aren't able to understand yet. when they got up this morning and bounded into the room, covering my face (and earlobes) with kisses and kubers, they were unaware of the secret life of mama bubbling under the surface.

you see, i had only gone to bed about an hour before. i came home, stripped off my clothes that were spattered in someone else's blood, and fell blissfully asleep for one hour before the day started.

this is the life of a doula- a life that breathes and grows mostly in the dark hours of the night. a secret place where hands are held, backs are massaged, comfort is given. me, driving through the night rain listening to the beatles "come together" and feeling connected to the world. holding someone at both their strongest and weakest moment. that feeling to watch the head crown, and then to watch the baby spill out. the blood. the glory of a new mom. the wiping of a brow. the first suck. the sweet baby cries filling the night, making sleep unnecessary.

this is my secret life.

come, sit with me for a second

this week has been the ultimate lesson in letting go. it's been busy, and frenetic, and i haven't had much time to sit on my fanny and relax. and we know how much i love to sit down and relax. so reading has gone by the wayside, and emails have been starred and are waiting to be replied to, and the kitchen sink it filled with dishes. i'm waiting on attending the birth of a client who is almost two weeks past her due date. every night i go to sleep, clutching my phone, waiting for my grateful dead ringtone to scare the poop out of me. needless to say, sleep has not come easily these past couple of weeks.

there have been wakes and friends to comfort, drives to be taken and kids to be babysat. there have been playdates with 23 people swinging from the ceilings. there have been dinner dates with friends and plate after plate of salads. there have been trips to the store and massage after massage to be given. there have been treats to be bought and birthdays to be celebrated.

i'm looking forward to next week. i know it's bad to wish the time away, but seriously. next week shines brightly on the horizon, promising a time of not being on call for the first time in about three months. i don't have to figure out how to shove my cell phone into everyone outfit i have, even ones without pockets. if you wonder what that lump in my bra is, it's most likely my phone, waiting for a call. next week is quiet, with nothing much on the calendar except a full day of me, by myself, in maine. doing whatever i want to do. i'm treating myself with this because, hey, i made it through another week. a day of thrifting and sitting by myself reading and looking at art and meeting new friends. a day of quiet, away from my phone.

aaaaaah.

where's the fireplace?

damn it's cold out. and windy! my groceries almost blew right off the top of my shopping cart. and we've got a serious case of green boogies. and oh yeah, joey fell down the stairs and now has a black eye (is it possible that i love him more with a black eye? sick, but true).


but sometimes you just need to wear a tank-top and have a popsicle (or two) because it's spring. it's spring, right? it's about 20 degrees here, but hey, it's spring. i just follow grace's lead.


the sounds of my day? joey saying "mom, where's the fireplace? mom, where's the fireplace? mom, where's the firetruck?" and grace saying "happy birthday happy birthday happy birthday" maniacally as she designs yet another birthday card for her friend.

off to bathtime, where i will certainly get soaked from head to toe, and remain in my moist jeans for the remainder of the night.

beautious weekends to all!
nb.

the bathroom is my boardroom

every morning there is a hustle and bustle in our world that is family.

there are diapers to be changed and pee to wipe off my jeans and kix to be poured into bowls and cups of tea to be drank and snacks to be packed and showers and nails to be clipped and toys to trip over. there are dads to be woken up and sleepies to be washed out of eyes. and then it's off to school.

amidst the chaos, there's something calming and pure about our morning routine. don't get me wrong- there is whining and crying, and kids bursting into the shower. there are declarations of inappropriateness, but most importantly, there is our routine.

the bathroom is my boardroom in the morning. it's where i hold my daily meeting with my husband, carving out a couple of minutes for a family meeting every morning. we are surrounded by steam, and i'm usually tying up my hair, brushing my teeth. someone may be taking a dump. most certainly someone is asking for something in the background. we are interrupted. but we plod on with our meeting, making sure we are on the same page about the day, and the week ahead. we catch up in our own way, with the curtain between us.

it is most certainly one of my most favorite times of the day.

today

today

i am quiet.

xx

i have a secret

oh gray.

dear sweet gray.

you are wise beyond your years. you were born smart, just bursting with emotions and smartypantishness. it's baffling at times, the things you understand at four. you can describe to someone how to insert a tampon, what a tampon is for, and why it has that handy little blue string. we have conversations that maybe we shouldn't be having, but how can i not? you ask, and i usually tell. that's just the way that's it's always been, right?

fine.

but now that you are in school, and somewhat precocious, i fear that some of these things may end up coming back to bite me in the butt.

especially now that you have a fondness for "telling secrets".

i don't like secrets, gray! secrets are not cool. especially your secrets about me.

it's been brought to my attention that lately you have been sharing your little secret with many-a-person in our family.

this secret, gray, is not appropriate.

i know you find my genitalia way cool and interesting and all, but can you please stop sharing your secret that

mama has a hairy beanerdog

with the world?


thanks a bunch.

lovingly,
mama.

are you there god? it's me, nina beana.

it's nearly spring.

spring has me thinking about new clothes. and by new, i mean "clothes that my friends give me instead of dropping off at the salvation army."

so hello god, are you there? it's me nina beana. can you please send a message to my dear friends who are on the cusp of spring cleaning their closets, bursting with excitement to get rid of their nasty and/or ill-fitting clothes? can you please inspire them to kindly offer these clothes to me?

if you know me in real life, you know that i:
1. don't buy clothes, or rarely do and only if i'm going on vacation (read: never)
and
2. only wear clothes given to me by people. mainly, i get a cheap thrill off of saying "this is steph's shirt and kim's pants and this necklace is jess's and these undies are from high school." because you know, i usually buy my own undies. although i wouldn't put it past myself to wear cast-offs from friends.
and
3. really get off on going to clothes swaps. because for some reason i make out like a bandit and most always walk away with bags of shizz that i love and cherish
and
4. i just really love digging through bags of clothes.

so here's what i'm asking: can i have your old clothes?

purdy please?

when comes the sun?

i'm dying for the sun. and by sun i mean the real sun, not the sun that's out when it's 20 degrees out. i'm freezing. i guess it's my own fault because even though i live in snowy new england, i refuse to own a jacket. every morning i trek to grace's school in a sweater or sweatshirt. and it's cold today. for as long as i can remember i've had this thing with jackets, always ripping mine off when i got to the bus stop. there's just something about jackets. vests? i can do vests. but not so much the jacket.

lately i've taken a liking to turning up the hot water in the shower so my skin is almost scalding off. which makes for lovely dry skin, thank you very much.

funny thing is that i really don't love the summer. i don't love being hot so much, either. fall's my time to shine. but after this long winter, and an even longer february, i can't wait to bask in the springy sun. i like to drink my morning cup on the deck. i like to sit under the umbrella and do art projects. i like feeling like my house is bigger than these four walls.

have a freakin' cookie and take a seat!

have a cookie, will you?

certain things feed my soul, and some of these things include:

homemade chocolate chip cookies, but only after they have completely cooled off

an order of falafel from my favorite restaurant, with a side order of fries, salt, and ketchup from one of those little squat glass bottles

emails between some fabulous women about important things

some books, about important people

conversations with boo that go like this: "hey, did you spring ahead?" "-yeah, did you?", "no, i was just checking to see if you did." regarding the time change

family gelato trips

joey's obsession with lip gloss and his way of rubbing his lips on mine to get some

our tie-dyed easter eggs

and my dyed green index fingernail.

happy end of the weekend. happy birthday, steph!

tea bags

i like
to keep
my tea bags
in an oversized mason jar
on the kitchen counter
because just looking at them
all snuggled up in there
makes me feel good.

there's just too much to say lately so i've been saying not so much. my goal is to do more real one-on-one talking and meeting up with my peeps, and i must say that it's way better this way. life has been really busy with playdates and mamadates and stacks upon stacks of books to be consumed and february blues and spring cleaning and reorganizing and purging and even a little exercise thrown in for good measure. and did i mention that i kicked the coffee habit? this coming from a mama who would have had an IV of the black stuff if i could have. so that was a big one for me....and i don't miss it one bit. the two times i've cheated in the past month ended terribly- one with the worst heartburn of my life, and the second with the worst stomach flu ever (just a coincidence but i still took it as a sign....and note to self- don't get the stomach flu after eating a huge dinner of chicken parm and angel hair pasta). there's an upcoming birth and some corned beef to be eaten and beautiful new photographs from angels to be framed:

thank you mama al! i fondle this photo daily- thankfully it still has the plastic on it, or it would be covered in greasy buttery fingerprints.

one last thing that's really been keeping my head above water- joey's obsession with saying "merry christmas!". except it doesn't come out as merry christmas at all. it sounds exactly like "merry cat-piss". so i wake to the sounds of merry catpiss, and i fall asleep to "merry catpiss, mama. merry catpiss".


it's the little things that make me happy, evidently.

things to distract you: photobooth friday revisited

despite the lack of photobooth posts (and posts in general), there have been photobooths. like this little gem from last weekend: i'm holding a sign that grace made that says "mom". not quite sure if you can see it when it's scanned. i love gray's face in the third square down. i could just eat her.
then there was this strip that john and joey got me for christmas. i love joey's face in the bottom square. in a lot of ways his face pretty much sums joey up- whiny, needy, complainathon-2000. i can just hear him crying to get out of the booth- something between a whine and a cough. we call him whine-bag. we only say it because we love him.
then this solo booth of joey from right before christmas. whenever i feel sad i go over to this strip that is hanging in my kitchen and i focus in on the face that he's making in the third square down. when i look at it nothing else matters. i get these feelings like "i made this kid", and "he's his own little person" and "i could die happy right now".

this is the magic of photobooth strips.

a new earth

"although body-identification is one of the most basic forms of ego, the good news is that it is also the one that you can most easily go beyond. this is done not by trying to convince yourself that you are not your body, but by shifting your attention from the external form of your body and from thoughts about your body- beautiful, ugly, strong, weak, too fat, too thin- to the feeling of aliveness inside it." - eckhart tolle, from a new earth: awakening to your life purpose

um, word.

punches to the soul

the universe has been packing some major punches lately. and coupled with the book "a new earth" by eckhart tolle, i've been doing some much needed soul searching lately. here's my newest message from the universe:

Ever notice, Nina Beana, that in the long run, those who don't eventually go "within," often go "without."

You got the power,
The Universe

damn! that's a serious message. one that's true but not easy.


so i'm off to do some dirty work!

venturing out

this week is school vacation. my goal is to get out every day and do something. i can't believe it's already thursday. this getting out and doing stuff thing really makes the week fly by.

so thursday. hello thursday.

thank god for friends (thank you mama for the dreamiest of days yesterday!). thank god for family. thank god for brothers who bring over drinkies after the kids go to sleep.


off for more adventures.

a sitar kind of day

i wish i could say that it's been a quiet day here. a quiet, peaceful day of baking homemade fresh bread and burning incense and peace love togetherness. instead, i can report that it's been a very loud and boisterous day, filled with baking homemade fresh bread thanks to soulemama's recipe, lots of new music (beastie boys and ravi shankar, with a good dose of bob marley and the beatles thrown in), musings about a fake person that we invented named "lebanon rappaport", thinking about breaking into the local hummus factory for an impromptu tour. the kids have been alternating between eating off my earlobes, trying to crawl up my fanny, and playing "ronkey donks" (which is basically a kid version of sexytime with clothes on).

if i could describe the sounds in my brain they would definitely sound like the manic crazy sitar sounds that ravi shankar busts out with.


today is a sitar kind of sunday.

happy stinkin' valentine's day!

this will be me at the end of the day today. we've got two valentine's parties (not to mention the one that we went to yesterday) and then we're going to the indoor playground, one of my most stress-inducing places ever. i'm trying to channel my inner "peace love togetherness vibe" (thanks, c. for the talk last night, and for calling me a happy hippie even when i don't feel like one), even when the kids will inevitably hurt themselves or hurt others, break some bones, and crash after some major sugar highs!


did i mention that i quit coffee almost a week ago? i'm asking myself why right about now.


happy stinkin' valentine's day!

dear heartburn

hello, heartburn. it's nice to see you again. psyche! it's been a while since you've plauged me- let me see...the last time you stuck around john was in kosovo for 10 months, and i moved away from my home in NY and moved back to my childhood home. i holed up in my bedroom, waiting for news, waiting for anything. it was post 9-11, and everything seemed scary and horrible. i was taking paxil, and sometimes xanax, just to get through the day. because the days were long, and terrifying. i had a shit job that was good work but wrecking my life. working with troubled adolescents that tell you on a daily basis that your hair sucks, your face sucks, you suck- not the best job choice for someone so sad.

so back then, heartburn moved in and didn't leave for a while. but everything got much much better when my new husband came back, we moved back to NY, and we had our life back. life was still uncertain and scary at times, but i didn't have the heartburn anymore.

but now it's back.

but here's the tricky part- life is kind of amazing. so what gives, heartburn? why are you back to eff with me and my digestion? could it be the two bottles of balsamic vinegar that i've consumed in the past couple of weeks? could it be the coffee, the tylenol? could it be hormonal, could it be the banging and dancing in the car? why oh why are you back?

i promise i won't drink balsamic vinegar anymore (even though it's so delicious). i've stopped drinking coffee for you, heartburn, and that says a lot. i couldn't even completely quit when i was pregnant. but i've said a sad goodbye to coffee, and now i've quit it completely for you. what else do you want, heartburn? i'm eating lots of fruits and veggies. what am i doing wrong? even a sip of water sends you into a tailspin, making me gasp for air.

what gives?

please let me know if there's anything else i can sulkily give up for you. because heartburn, you know how much this girls loves herself some food. so don't keep wrecking it for me, ok?

thanks a freakin' bunch,

nina beana

for the record

the kids are playing quietly right now! what what?!? can it be true? until the polly pocket wars begin, here i am.

also, joey woke up at 6:30am this morning, which hasn't happened in weeks. which means that i am less zombielike than usual. which hopefully means that today is a good day.

this weekend was busy and involved actually leaving the house a multitude of times, which was much different from the rest of the week, where we played inside almost exclusively. we had two trips into the "big city" (what gray calls boston). i had a pad thai and we went to our favorite diner. we took some drives. watched boo jump into the atlantic ocean in drag. you know, the usual.

i'd just like to state for the record that fake eyelashes scare the crap out of me. especially when someone wearing the fake eyelashes is getting them trimmed while they are wearing them. (there were no injuries, although there was the chance of a nostril being sliced through).

i love the fallen lashes on the lipsticked lips.

happy birthday to you jen!

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happiest of days to our dear friend jen out in NY! i roused the kids this morning and they did this video for you- you can see gray's attitude because i shut "her show" off to film- joey is happy as a clam as usual. featured in the clip is the "puke bucket", which can also explain gray's crankiness. she's been throwing up for the past two days! so excuse the grouchiness...but HAPPY BIRTHDAY! we love you!

someone's problems are bigger than yours

wiener poopie. i love it. my day feels better already.

on tap for the day

stuck in the muck today, home with two sick kids. there's puking, and crying, and aching. the day started at 4am. i've already ingested 10 cups of coffee. healthy choice? not so much. but it's a mama's survival mechanism, and one's that foolproof for me.

today there are movies to be watched. there is this great book to be read. and alice in wonderland to be read to the kids, and maybe a little knitting nell. classes to be applied for, and card/postcard orders to be worked on. there's sewing to be done and chicken soup to be eaten. there's beautiful bouquets of flowers to be adored and admired, and snow outside to help us realize how warm and snuggly we are inside. there's a floor strewn with matchbox cars, and blankets and the smell of throw up all around. it's one of those days. the good and the bad, all balancing out in the end.

is it 6pm yet?

vagina power

some women choose to pursue, and have the ability to push real live human beings out of their vaginas. it sounds quite raw and raunchy and just not-right seeing it written that way, but seriously…right out of their vaginas. whole heads and arms and legs and chunks of blood and placentas and other bits and pieces come out, just like it was any other day, just like it was the most normal thing ever. human beings. people. they just come on out and meet and greet the world.

as a doula i’ve had the amazing opportunity to bear witness to some of these little humans beings making their debut. some choose to come out through avenues other than the vagina. and it’s just as amazing seeing a woman opened up, and her human love child coming through her abdomen. hello world, it’s me, and i’m here to stay.

what i’m trying to say, really, is that i’m pretty much in awe of women, women’s bodies, babies being born, the strength of the human spirit, pelvic bones, the light in a mom’s eyes when they first hold their baby that they’ve worked so hard for. today i’m honoring all these moms, and all the moms-to-be, and all of us who are a product of some seriously hard and amazing birth work from our own moms.

humans are so cool.

blurs from the universe

(found this picture on my camera- don't know where i was, when i took it, what i was aiming for, but somehow it's perfect for these past couple of weeks- shiny, bright, a blur.)

the universe had a rockin' message for me today:

Yes, Nina Beana, it's time for "good news and bad news"...

You, Nina Beana Gilbert, have just been named the luckiest person alive! The absolute luckiest! No one luckier for trillions of miles!

Can you imagine? Having an advantage in all of your adventures? Good fortune smiling upon you? Joy, passion, and dreams coming true? Folks secretly admiring you from lowered sunglasses? New friends seeking you out? Massive abundance effortlessly drawn into your life? Opportunity and adventure only ever a breath away?

Wow! I'd say things are really, really going to start changing for you!!!

The "bad" news?

You only ever had to visualize.

To the bazaar -
The Universe

i have felt like the luckiest person lately. 2008 has rocked so far. i feel more deeply connected in my friendships, many that have taken a backseat during these last couple of crazy years. when i listen to people i feel like it's becoming easier to really listen instead of just hearing. i feel like things are starting to align. i feel all these things despite the severe sleep deprivation. imagine.

i was going to write a post about mamas and the power of birth and women's bodies, but right now i'm just going to say...

hi, i'm here. i'm going to celebrate tonight with a drink or two, and some leftovers. i'm putting the kids to bed, and then i'm taking the night off. a night to watch TMZ guiltlessly, sipping on a cocktail, eating ice cream soup.

i'll be back in the morn, freshly rested.

what's your one thing?

i have a new philosophy that i've been testing out these past couple of weeks, and so far, it's really been working for me. it's pretty much the simplest thing ever, and not original, but follow along if you please.

basically, every day, at the start of the day, you pick one thing.

one thing that you really would like to accomplish. throw out the long 'to do' list and set your expectations low and i promise you will succeed! sounds backwards, but at least you accomplish one rockin' thing, right?

the great thing about your one thing, it can be little, something that you tend to procrastinate. or it can be this huge random overwhelming project that you've been putting off for months. i've been trying to alternate my one things lately. one day i'll pick something so small and ridonkulous that i find myself getting up off my arse and just accomplishing it. example- cut fingernails. duh! i can do that! and all of a sudden, when i do, i feel all accomplished. fingernails cut, check.

and then other days i'll pick something more time consuming and daunting. like "make three stuffed animals for friends." or "do sunprints with the kids". or "buy a shredder and home office organizing kit and get my life in order". you know, something big. and then i just do it. because all those days that i picked something small to accomplish...they act as my little cheerleaders and then all of a sudden i feel like i can conquer the world.

fingernails today, presidency tomorrow. you get the point.

what's your one thing today?

therapy and the universe

every day, i get a little nugget of wisdom delivered to my email inbox thanks to this beautiful site. it's like a virtual fortune cookie that i open every morning. this morning's packed a punch:

Sure, Nina Beana, you can always find prettier, handsomer, skinnier, wiser, richer, younger, or zippier. But more often than not, one might learn the most, laugh the loudest, and smile the widest with those they've already found, especially when they stop looking elsewhere.

Tallyho,
The Universe



kazam!, right?

yesterday i did some ten dollar therapy and bought a big ole box of my favorite incense and a new bumper sticker for the car. and i used a gift certificate and bought a butt load of valentines for the kids and some blank cards for myself. then i lit those candles and played all the songs and did all the right things. but you know what? yesterday still sucked. last night was pretty amazing, however, sitting around the table laughing with friends. so i'll count my blessings.

but today? today's not going to suck. today is going to rock.

today is one of my favorite days of the year- the local library booksale! it's the day that i save up my extra bills and extra shovey-elbows for! i have a date with boo at some point, where we'll spend hours searching for vampire books and vintage children's books and flower identification books.

therapy, i'm telling you.

naked

"the naked man never mislays his wallet" -japanese proverb

i'm thinking about this quote this morning. i'm not quite sure why. it's the quote from my senior year yearbook, tucked underneath my picture. which wasn't revolutionary but somewhat unconventional for my catholic all-girls high school, with me graduating with fifty something other girls. i've always loved this quote, not just because it has the word naked in it.

lately i feel the need to strip down, to clean up and organize, to make right many things that i've let slip by me for the past couple of months. like i always do at this time of year, i feel pent up, drowning in my own stuff, held back by my lists of to-do's and must sees. i need to refocus and spend more quality time actually doing the things i think about doing instead of sitting around feeling suffocated by them.

can i get a "what what!?!'

when i'm feeling like this everyone around me has the uncanny ability to make it look like they've got it all together. how is this possible? does anyone else feel like poop?

i loved kris carr's latest blog post about reprioritizing. three of her priorities that really resonate with me are:

"Replace online activities with real world actions. Call your pal rather than emailing him or her. Go out rather than getting sucked in."

if only i could eat these words, serve them up in some form that would really stick. i need a recharge. i've felt like shit since before my trip, with headaches every day, sinus crap, and stomach issues. every day i feel run down and don't feel like myself. so today's the day i'm turning it around. i'm going to start by drinking water. because for some crazy reason i've pretty much eliminated it from my diet (i usually have a glass around 4pm) so i'm going to work on that. and i may just go and get some pretty craft supplies and make a little something. and then light some candles and incense and do something fun with the kids. and maybe get some valentines. and then tonight i'm going to make a big fat meal and hang with my friends and catch up in real life. i'm going to stay up past 8pm and i'm not going to read about vampires for a change. i'm going to open up and try to feel like me again.

what what!?!

full size

this morning, at 5am, i was thinkin'. joey burst into the room in full salsa mode (and for anyone who doesn't know what this means, salsa is joey's cat alter-ego), screaming things like "PIRATE!" and "PINECONES!". then gray comes in and starts in with "joey, are you covered in pee? you're a pee head" and hops into bed too. here's what i was thinking- we have a FULL size bed. for four people...at the unsightly hour of 5am. it's mandatory cuddling. it's elbows and knees in the eyes. it's ridonkulous.

maybe someday if we live in a wee bigger house we can graduate to a queen. or maybe even a king (gasp!). but as we contemplate the possible addition of another babe to the family, how can five of us possibly fit in a full? how full is too full?

these are the things i think about at 5am.

behind the bathroom door

heard from behind the bathroom door, minutes ago, while gray was taking a poo on the loo:

"maaaaaaaaaaaaaama? why is there fairy dust on my panties?"

the things she comes up with. off to wipe some fanny. peace.

setting things straight

"The place to improve the world is first in one's own heart and head and hands." -Robert M. Pirsig

been lost in thought this week, emerging from our time away. it's been a week of contemplation, a week of digging out. a week of damage control and a week of challenges. a week of deep thoughts, of heavy boots, and of inspiration.

i'll be back soon, but for now, i'm off to nina beana land to set things straight.

also, this book has changed my life forever: what is the what by dave eggers. i can blame the majority of my absence this past week on this book. go out and get it and plan to be changed.

home again

we're home, and we're safe. thank you to everyone for your kind words of wisdom, and thanks to those who kept the kids occupied and loved while we were gone. we had an amazing time...perfect, really. but we're glad to be home, getting life back in order.

you can see our pictures here, if you'd like.


and welcome to the world dear sweet c.m.m. xx

i'm finally a woman

this morning, while discussing suitcases and packing, john was all "can't we just share a suitcase? we're only going to be gone for like two days" and i was all "no way, i'm not sharing. this is my one thing. i'm not splitting a suitcase! i'm not splitting anything! i'm filling up my whole suitcase with stuff that i'm not going to wear. a whole bunch of dresses and stuff".

a bit later, while he was in the shower, i hear john say "i'm just wondering when you became...like...a woman."


it was pretty much the quote of the year. i love it.

perspective

john butler trio- better than

All you want is
What you can't have
And if ya' just look around, man
You'll see you got magic

So just sit back and relax
Enjoy it while you still have it
Don't look back on life, man
And only see tragedy 'cause

chorus
You can be better than that
Let it get the better of you
What could be better than that?
Life's not about what's better than

You can be better than that
Let it get the better of you
What could be better than that?
Life's not about what's better

All the time while ya' lookin' away
There are things you can do, man
There's things you can say
Undo the, the ones you regret
When you're spending today
Get your gaze out tomorrow
And come what may, because

chorus

Oh, I know, sometimes
Things can get hard
But you should know, by now
They come and they go so fast
Oh, I do, why
Look to the other side 'cause I know
The grass is greener,
But just as hard to grow

So all you want is
What you can't have
And if ya' just look around, man
You'll see you got magic

So just sit back and relax
Enjoy it while you still have it
Don't look back on life, man
And only see tragedy 'cause

chorus


i'll be honest with you. i woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. i was not happy when the lights flipped on in my room at 5am. i was grouchy. my eyes were crusty. i wanted about three or four more hours of sleep. and ahead of me, all i saw was a day of being stuck in the house for the second day in a row without a car. and with two kids who will love each other one minute and then be at each other's throats another.

"i can't do this another day" i said to john.

"you can do it. you can" he says.

and then we turn the day around by dropping off our car at our rockstar mechanic and then go out for donuts and coffee. because donuts with sprinkles make everything better.

and you know what? it worked. i thought about perspective, and how lucky i am to have a house and healthy kids and incense to burn and a laptop and all these things to keep me comfortable and safe. my life isn't hard, i just had a crappy morning. in two days i'll be sunning my soul-sister-of-jennifer-love-hewitt's-butt on the beach. perspective.

which reminds me...the other day, gray says to me before school "hey mom, do you think those high school students will be lined up in the hallway today?" and i said "you mean the kindergarteners?" and she was all "yeah, same difference- high school, kindergarten".

perspective.

care to join me?

2007 was pretty freakin' rad. lots of cool stuff went down...so much so, in fact, that i cannot possibly list it all here. it was another year of staying home with the kids, watching them grow and learn about the world around them. there was a lot of time spent outside, lots of time in the garden. lots of delicious meals consumed. i was blessed with the opportunity to be present for the birth of three children. i have grown in my friendships, and grown in my relationship with my husband. i spent time with boo in NYC. we hung with our friends at lake george. i took a trip to hang with some soul sisters in woodstock, NY. we had lots of birthday celebrations. we crafted a lot and made lots of homemade gifts. we got a year older. my bum got a little bigger. joey can now speak in broken sentences. gray got smart as a whip, can almost read, broke her collarbone and got her gray tooth. our life is unpredictable, messy, carefree, full of love and bustle.

2008 promises to rock out, too. we're off at the end of the week for our second honeymoon (i'm calling it this...but really it's a "free work trip"). we may add another member to our little rockin' family. we will travel, and we may get a doggie dog with three legs. the world is open to us, if only we let go. it seems that the blogisphere is buzzing with words and phrases that people are holding on to for the new year. and my own is let go.

it never fails. if i'm feeling stressed and getting caught up in the details, i take a breath and remind myself to let go. things will fall into place perfectly. perfectly imperfect. they will happen, and they will be just as they were meant to be. and in the process, i'm better able to enjoy the experience.

so hello, 2008. i'm letting go of my expectations for you so you are fully able to do a funky booty dance in our faces.

help, i need somebody

i'm trying to be all breathe-in-breathe-out about our trip next week, but i'm nurrrrvess. i'm wondering if anyone out there in my lovely cyberspaceland can offer me any advice about leaving the kids for four days- mainly i'd like to know if anyone has a link to any good medical release forms- like the kind that say "if grace or joey need medical care person XYZ can take them to get it". i feel like there's so many things that i'm overlooking that i need to do. please peeps...help me dot my I's and cross my T's! thanks. meow.

new year, new undies

(reason #503 why i should never be allowed to homeschool my kids)


anyway, it's a new year, which evidently in nina beana land means new undies! why new undies, you ask? well, for starters, i don't think i've bought new underwear since i lived in watertown, ny what....um, about five years ago? i'm not joking. but that's cool, because i kinda like the undies i have...however worn they are. they are comfy! they fit my fanny! they are mine!

i did try to buy some underwear earlier in the year. i went to a crappy superstore and bought this megapack of undies in a size that i thought was my size. i got them home only to find out that they looked like mini thong panties and they weren't supposed to be. they didn't even cover my crack. so i hauled my underwearless butt back to the store and bought another megapack in another brand (bad move) in the same size that i wear in jeans...and i brought them home and literally unrolled the damn things and could've used them as tablecloths. i've never seen john laugh so hard in my life. they were so big, that once unrolled, they could not fit back into the package to be returned, no way, no how.

so i forgot about the underwear.

except on new years eve, when i bent over (in front of my mother in law, mind you), and my boo says to me "when the hell did you start wearing thongs?" and i'm all "i would NEVER wear thongs, are you kidding me?" and he's all "well you ARE wearing a thong" and then i reached back and felt that the elastic waistband of my favorite victoria's secret granny panny specials from 2000 had completely detached in about 100 places from the actual underwear. creating the weird not-sexy illusion of a thong.

needless to say my mother in law was not impressed.

so tonight, joey and i had a date night. i bribed him with french fries and a ride on the carousel and he let me (read: screamed "panties!" and "i want horsies!" and then had the worst poop shoot riot ever, smearing poop all over his clothes and his carriage) buy some new undies at victoria's slutty closet. twenty bucks says that none of the five pairs i got will fit.

but i tried! and i AM going on vacation next week, right? and it's a new year.

new year, new undies. my one and only resolution.